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Mom is doing pretty well. She's 89 now, still walking twice a day and living on her own. We talk every day and I take her on an outing at least once a week. Her health and her mind seem pretty good to me. However, she has a habit now that is really bothering me. A couple of years ago, she started saying thank you thank you thank you a lot. Three times in a row. And I'd say you're welcome. But over the past few months, she has increased her thank you's when I am with her. Every few minutes as a matter of fact. I've tried to explain that one thank you means a lot but several are overwhelming. And I can see that she doesn't really understand why saying so many thank yous are a bad thing. I try to divert the conversations and move away from thank you as best I can.

Writing this of course I'm feeling really stupid. What on earth could be wrong with a mom who says thank you all the time? There are so many worse problems out there. But, it makes being with her difficult. I want to be compassionate. At this point, should I just let these thank yous go? Not respond? Say you're welcome? Attempt to explain again that one good thank you means a lot, but many overwhelm me - this doesn't seem to work. How can I be compassionate to mom and still hold onto my own patience and give her the best quality interaction we can have?

Thank you for help with what seems like a silly little issue.

Beth

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Most elders, not ALL, do this. The best response is to change the subject.
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my mother was the hilljack who outjacked all the other jacks . she was awesome , but im telling you , she was socially inept to say the least . in her last year of life , she was near blind and would eventually die from dementia -- with severe hallucinations for her last 90 days of life .
i was shocked at how many times she told me " thank you " in her last year of life . in hindsight , its because i respected her judgement so much that i let her final word trump all the other douches ( hospice losers ) in our life , and she appreciated having control over people who didnt know s@it from shinola ..
BUT , i understand .. we had a parrot and my demented ( bipolar , schitzo - affective , paranoid personality complex , mother in the home .
repetitiveness was so rampant that im sure i sounded like the parrot at times too ..
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Mother does that too. I hear the same stories about the same people over and over. I just say "well, fancy that" or "well, what do you know". She just wants a response, and there's no point in saying "I've heard this a hundred times before" (I'm only 59, but I have 5 kids and I NEVER remember what I've already told whom"..drives them nuts, but they TELL ME, so I know being reminded can be hurtful.) Gosh, at least she's saying something NICE :)
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take her out into the sunshine and fresh air so she can get her vitamin d, improve her mood, etc. and maybe she would reduce her repetitive conversations. there is a link between memory loss and vitamin d deficiency. so it is pertinent to get as much sunshine as you can on a regular basis in moderation we do about 15-20 minutes worth without sunblock as sunblock blocks out the essential nutrients we need from the sun's rays.
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Initially, when I had my first suspicions about my mom's dementia, I slipped the nurse a note I had written about the behaviors & changes I had observed in mom and wrote on the envelope, "Please show this to the doctor before he sees mom." It was revealing! The doctor gave my mom the quick memory test, had her walk down the hall and back again and checked her gait and balance, asked her current event questions as well as checking her long term memory, and talked to her about the possibly positive effects that Aricept might have on her. It might be worth a try! Also, whenever your mom repeats herself, it might be less frustrating to keep repeating, "That's interesting" without making any further comments and then change the subject so you can help her get "unstuck"!
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You're welcome Blackpines :~)
Next time it could well be you answering me :~) Such is the versatility of this great forum.
Keep hanging in and holding on, even if it's only by the nail of one pinky someone will be along directly to throw you a rope and give you a hug.
Great news my end :~) I've been trying since Mid Nov to get BIL to have a much needed fasting blood test. He's done it! A friend told him it might be a good idea so he did it!!!
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Do not feel 'stupid'. I agree with Sansnems it is irritating and tests your patience.
I agree,maybe ignore her.
Can't count how many times I put 'cotton in my ears'!! After a while, my husband stopped repeating because I stopped responding. Your mom probably does not know she is repeating. Patient forgets from one second to another. Nice to know that she is grateful. Irritating as it is, it is nice to know she is thankful.
We are all in this together. Keep calm and carry on.
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Blackpine- big or small issues still affect you and please don't hesitate to voice what's on your mind. I guarantee someone out there was thinking the same thing and someone else will have a suggestion. Yes. It's all about support and not feeling alone, and you're not. Hugs :)
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Lucy - great suggestion! I'll give this a try. And thanks for the encouragement to write my concerns. I know you're right because it's true for me that I learn so much from others' stories, concerns. It's often about not feeling alone, isn't it. Anyway, thanks for writing.
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Blackpine, your concerns are never petty and if you type them here you may help someone who couldn't find the words to ask.
As for Mum not listening to you, but to others, I had to smile. My BIL does this to me all the time, he ignores anything/everything I say and yet the same words from a friend he's known 6 months and you'd think it was written on tablets of stone! I'm lucky to have a great rapport with the manager of the care agency and we joke that my BIL's default setting for me is "No." I could say "hey, M I won a million pound in the lottery want to share it with me. His answer "No." 5 mins later "what did you say? Money? Yes." Sad but true :~)
If I really need him to do something I get someone else to suggest it :~)
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I really appreciate all of the thoughtful responses I've gotten. Some really good ideas here. Thank you.

Some ask if she's been evaluated for dementia/Alzheimer's. No, she hasn't. Her doctor hasn't ordered an evaluation and I don't know how to ask for one without offending/hurting my mom. I'm not crazy about my mom's GP and her care of my mom. But when I suggest to mom that she see another doctor, my mom just ignores me. Every time I go with mom to see this doctor I feel like I'm jumping up and down and saying to this doctor, "Are you really seeing this? Are you really seeing my mom?" Of course, this is just in my imaginations. Mom is very independent and does not complain no matter what - she just soldiers on. This translates into being "a good uncomplaining patient." So I'm just going along for the ride so to speak and trying not to freak out too often or at least do it when she's not watching.

I just found out that she's now going to the wound clinic every couple of days because she bumped her leg on a table. It looked awful and I tried to get her to go in to have it looked at when she first injured it, but she wouldn't until someone else, a friend, told her some tome later that she should go in. So, I'm the daughter and she's the mother and maybe that's the problem.

Yes, I believe worse is probably ahead. It always sounds so petty when I type out my problems, but I appreciate the compassion you show me as this is all new and scary and sometimes I still feel like the little girl I was so long ago.
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Today I repeated myself 8 times, and swore twice (I never swear) this dementia is just so disgusting! In my case I now realise I got overtired and was in unbearable pain. My body couldn't cope and my brain short circuited.
Sorry that's not an answer to how to respond but it might be a clue to someone elses behaviour.
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Leslie, Needed to hear the truth today. Thank you for your bold, hold the garbage answer.
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How about a hug? She'll remember that.
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Dear Beth, you need to have your mother evaluated because her "thank yous" so many times and not understanding why one would not say it so many times is a symptom of dementia. At 89 yrs. she is more likely to be suffering from some type of dementia and just to be sure, have a neurologist see her. My husband is also 89 yrs. in really good health, but has dementia. Just love her and say, "Thank you" back when she repeats herself.
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My husband did not tend to repeat himself during his 10 years of dementia. My mom repeats the same complaints on different days, but not in a repetitive loop. But I've read all the responses because one of my mother's friends in nh does something I haven't encountered before. She repeats each phrase 3 times before going to the next one. She will say to me, "I need to I need to I need to go to my room go to my room go to my room to get my shawl to get my shawl to get my shawl. Will you will you will you take me take me take me?" If I say "I'll just run and get it for you, OK?" Then she says, "You a good lady you a good lady you a good lady." She has a quiet voice and some kind of speech impediment -- seems to have an enlarged tongue, so it is hard to understand her sometimes, but obviously I try to avoid having her repeat the whole thing! It is so hard to have a conversation with her I'm afraid she must be somewhat isolated -- especially with so many she would like to talk to having hearing problems. I try to bring a little joy to her day by listening carefully to her and responding, but it sure isn't easy!

Has anyone else ever dealt with this kind of repetitiveness? Poor dear. I just let her keep repeating until she comes to the end of the sentence. Anything else I could do?
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OOOoooh I know this one well. Mums was what time is it what day is it. About 20 times an hour when she was 'on a roll'. My doctor prescribed Donepezil i think you know it as Aricept and while it is really not suitable for everyone Mum does brilliantly on it (I mean really really not suitable for everyone). Mum trialled it for two weeks and then went on to the full dose and the change was remarkable. Her memory is still in decline but the short term memory problem of repeating hasn't restarted yet - just over a year on....so I have to say how grateful I am we found it.

That said my mother has now taken to saying woe woe woe woe woe (Like you would to a puppy) to her damned cuddly toy. If I take it away she doesn't sleep if she has it she wakes me up. Oh well can't have everything I guess
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Think of it this way=you'll miss the repeating thing when they've deceased.
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Hmm, you say she seems pretty good besides saying "thank you" so much. I wonder if she is caught in a nervous tic. Does she spend a lot of time by herself? Does she say the thank you's back to back, or just she say thank you each time you do some little thing. It would drive me crazy, too, whichever it was.

If your mother's mind is still good, maybe you could make some kind of game out of it, like each of you making your own Thank you flash card. Then you could flash the card instead of saying thank you. It may make her more aware of how much she is saying it. Sounds like it might be kind of fun, especially if your mother is into crafty things.

If it were my mother, who is still rather sound when it comes to things like this, I would just ask her why she is saying it so much and tell her she is driving me nutso. Then she would probably do it more, but I would know it was okay to give her the stink eye when she does it.
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My relative did this and it just about drove me crazy. I would have a conversation with him and he would say "don't worry about it." He would say this over and over after nearly every conversation. Had to tell him to quit it and most of the time he does. But it is very frustrating.
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MOST elders repeat things all the time. How to respond? It seems harsh to say "you've already told me that." Try just changing the subject.
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Our Mom does this during the day (92) AND all night long. She will repeat my name 6-7 times, then mispronounce several ways and continue to repeat for about 25 minutes straight. Then ask for water. As soon as I leave the room, it begins again. A good six hours a night. Dr. said he could prescribe something to keep her in 'sleep' mode, but it will give her groggy side effects most of next day so we declined a script. Since it's my name, it's particularly stressing, since I don't know if she's in the loop mode, or calling me for something. She's always said words in three-five-or seven repetitions, so while it's trying to listen to, I just do change the subject. Don't worry if it doesn't work. Some things just can't be fixed. I repeat (in my head) the Serenity Prayer: (my version:) Do what you can, Don't do what you can't. Know there's a lot here you can't do.
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I agree with Lassie. It's the sad truth
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We (women) are trained from birth to respond to whatever is directed our way. To respond, to be NICE, to be attentive, to be nurturing wonderful caretakers - smile and answer, backbone of the family, deal with anything that comes up with a cheery outlook . Blah blah. Your mother is beginning the downward spiral that will not end well, her brain is going, she is repeating things on a loop. If you understand me, she is not thanking you, she is parroting things in her brain on a tape. You can say, "you're welcome" a thousand times a day. That doesn't have anything to do with it, you might was well be talking to an actual parent. You shouldn't be concerned with 'being nice' 'being polite' engaging in this silliness as if it meant anything. Say "you are welcome" and be done with it. All you can do from then on is distract them - "oh, look, a dog outside, let's go out and see him" - or put on The Jerry Springer Show, or put on earphones on yourself - listen to music, just nod and smile now and then.....This is only the beginning. You have far worse to look forward to. A compassionate or an absolutely furious response to the tiresome repetition makes no difference, she isn't hearing YOU, she is blabbing away because, deteriorating brain. Endcap: distraction. Go outside. Look at a magazine together. Watch a tv show. Dance, sing, do anything. You can't stop it, and you can't reason with them.
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It's not silly, it's frustrating! Whether she has dementia or not (you don't specify), she doesn't seem to be able to help it since you have addressed it with her and nothing changes. While terribly difficult to do, you probably have to expect and accept her responses. Just practice tuning them out so you don't go crazy and hopefully they won't be so bothersome in time. If you keep addressing the issue or responding to the thank yous it puts more of an active burden on you. As one suggested, I would think start to think about dinner, etc knowing what was coming...
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I can certainly understand how it gets frustrating hearing the same thing over and over again. Just know that at least at this point she's ichnology that things occur and being gracious about it is actually a positive thing. I would read much rather hear you saying that she saying thank you instead of swearing or mumbling. I think you should give yourself a break and no you don't always have to give a verbal response every time she says it. Maybe add knowledge with a nod or even a soft touch to her hand. You never want to become desensitized to the things that she's says. You have connections w her. I say distract yourself or keep yourself busy in the moment. You're doing a great job with being there and helping her along. There's no real perfect way to handle anybody with dementia or Alzheimer's disease each individual is different how their life has shaped them sometimes will appears as the disease advances. The saying that my grandmother constantly said to us was I love you. Somehow that saying never got old. Keep talking to us! Vent and refill your love tank. She's going to need you!
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Someone w/ early stage dementia can cover it fairly well on a once a week visit but things do come to light ie: the repetitive thank you. It is a sign of other issues that should be looked into. As for how to deal. Explaining to your mom that you have already heard her, one thank you is enough, etc. is probably not going to be effective because she is not able to stop the "habit" nor does she see the problem. As difficult as it is, for now trying to ignore it as best you can may be your answer until you get more professional advice. Unless she is looking for a response none is necessary. Try to put it into perspective and not let it become a struggle. Let her say her thank yous , maybe a simple uh huh from you, and let the moment pass. As hard as it may be, try and put a little levity into the situation for yourself. Most importantly she should see a neurologist and her PCP to determine what the root cause is. They may recommend a Psych Exam which may also shed some light on the situation and lead you to answers as to how to deal.
Do keep a close eye on things in her home. Are things still in their place? Is she bathing, eating and taking care of her personal belongings? Is trash out on trash day? Is mail, newspapers, etc. piling up? You get the idea. These types of things can be significant clues as to how mom is doing. Be prepard that she may need someone to come in 1-2 x's a week to "tidy up" and keep an eye out for future behaviors. Best of luck. I work w/ the elderly daily as an Activity DIrector and I know how difficult it can be to see mom starting to show signs of decline. How you handle this is key to both her and your success as this process continues - and it will. We all age differently but none of us can avoid the inevitible.
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I've tried something that helps me cope when my mother asks me the same questions several times an evening: I just pretend she's a child, a parrot or a recording instead of a functional adult. That way I can give "pat answers" without getting frustrated with her. When we have a "real" conversation (i.e., one that doesn't rely on her short-term memory), then I think of her as a functional adult again. It may sound cruel, but at least I can avoid becoming irritated at her.
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You didn't say, does she actually have dementia/Alzheimer's or some other mental issue?

I know it feels stupid typing it out, same thing happened to me...once I had written out my "issues" I felt like I had about 1/100th of a percent of the problems of lots of other folks. :-) But, it's not stupid if it's an issue for you, and I can relate. If she doesn't understand how irritating the "thank yous" are, then getting her to stop is going to be difficult. I don't have any sage advice other than just to either ignore it or say "you're welcome" over and over. Lol. Does she notice if you don't respond? If not, maybe just ignoring it is the solution.
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I care for my BIL who tells me the same story at least 10 times a day ~ grrrr, I know what's coming so I make automatic pilot responses at appropriate points. In the meantime I think about other things, have I done x job, what do I need to get for dinner, so on so program is on at...
Tune out and try to remember that they don't know they are doing it so can't stop/change.
I've recently got my own dementia diagnosis (with Lewy Bodies) yesterday I heard myself telling someone something and had a deja vu moment. I stopped and said "have I told you this before?" "Yes 3 times" was the response :~(
Patience and tune out are my best suggestions
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