My mother, 86, dementia and in a memory care facility for a month, cusses and screams at me when I leave after a visit. She tells me never to come back and that she has always hated me. She does this to my two sisters when they leave too. What can we do to ease the drama when we leave?
Donsully - no I am using the handle bc it's easy to remember! LOL
Today, for the first time in a while, we had a good visit. I got us both coffee from the cafeteria and we watched an old movie in her room. Before I left, I wheeled her to the cafeteria so she could eat dinner with her “homegirls”, only one of them still has verbal ability to greet her, but I think they all communicate with each other nonetheless. I said goodbye with a hug and kiss (yes, we have always been demonstrative in my family - we’re Latinos and we live in the South where everyone hugs and kisses anyway). When I left, she said “Take care”. I had to go back and ask her to repeat what she said because I thought I had heard wrong. It has been a long time since she has expressed concern for me. I know that these good visits are rare, and the next visit might be another in which I am sad and crying, but for today, it was good.
SO sorry that you had a mean (awful) mom. Mine wasn't mean just narcissistic and didn't really want to be bothered with a (whoops) kid. Your childhood must have been hell. You sound so calm and together for what you've suffered. How wonderful you and your sisters are for even having anything to do with her. You will be blessed.
What worked for my mom was the same as most posters--distraction and fibbing.
"I have to go to the bathroom,
I'm going to get a drink of water,
I left something in the car,
The nurse wants to talk to me"......
You get the idea. Since she gets "excited" when she KNOWS you are leaving, I would not bring up the fact that you are exiting.
Start with "I'm going to the ladies room". Discretely take your purse. (leave your coat near the door when you go in or in the car.) Hopefully she won't follow you.
Enlist the cooperation of the staff to assist you to leave. They're good at that.
Hopefully mom won't chew you out about sneaking out at your next visit.
To other posters;
Yes, my first reaction is-To heck with her-don't go back-don't visit. If she's always hated me then she can be by herself.
But, loving someone (as best as you can) IN SPITE of them hating you, is fulfilling what the Lord has asked us to do. Be the bigger person and show the hater how to love. We can be a model to them of how we are loved by God. Have compassion on their miserable souls, pity them for missing out on a life filled with joy and warmth and having a heart filled with hate.
God can't forgive us unless we forgive others. We need to be compassionate.
What about the Golden Rule?
Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.
Also, let's not forget-these parents have a brain disease that is distorting their views and destroying their actual brain matter. Even IF she meant what she said, she's suffering now.
"The King will reply, 'Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.'
Matthew 25:40
There, but for the grace of God, go I.
I said all this to say she thinks she is ready to come home. She gets angry every time i leave without taking her with me. Either she can't or doesn't want to understand that she's not ready. She outweighs me by about 50 lbs, plus I have been disabled for over 20 years because of 2 failed back surgeries. She keeps telling me that i don't love her instead of trying to understand that she needs more therapy. She has not been home in 60 days and every day but one I have been with her no less then 4 hours and up to 16 hours. We also have a 15 year-old learning disabled son that I am raising. I don't get the yelling, but the guilt trip is terrible.
Right now I find picking up a medium hot chocolate from Tim Horton's is what she likes - I bring 2 plastic Tupperware mugs so we can share - she was always asking if I wanted part of her treat so she feels better when we share - I get a large cookie there to & they will cut it in half for me to share too - I get this about 15 minutes before I get there in case of spillage so she doesn't get burned
Once she starts equating you with pleasure then start saying a low key good-bye with "what would you like me to get you?" so that she will think you are going to get her something BUT that's for next time - try it as it could make her feel when you leave it's for her benefit - good luck
I have sat next to her and tried to rub her arm or hug her and she screams DON'T TOUCH ME. I will try to put some lotion on her arms or legs and maybe she will allow me to do that.
SueC - yes, our childhood was a nightmare and I left for college after graduating from high school. She takes credit for getting me into the university which bothers me bc I worked hard to get good grades and she was not an encouraging type of parent but it's part of her narcissism. I am a teacher and she has told me many times she is ashamed of me bc I chose that profession when SHE hated school. This was before her dementia set in. I am used to it now but it did hurt my feelings as she brought it up every time I visited her. I liked school because I felt safe there and admired my teachers.
Moecam - I will bring her some hot chocolate and share it with her. I'm sure she will like that.
It's interesting to hear everyone else's stories. I know I am not alone.
not sure how you do it. My mother is now passed and I care for my narcissistic father
who is manipulative, deceptive and demanding, but does not verbally abuse. Thank god.
I'd second what everyone else is saying, just politely walk away when she acts like that. And don't worry about the facility caregivers, they are probably happy to have respite
with your visit and know how to deal with behavior like that. Unfortunately, many
Alzheimer's patients can become combative, they've likely seen it all.
You're doing above and beyond. Kudos to you for caring for such a parent and keeping
your equanimity.
Mom is getting the same way. If it is dessert, it must by good, well if it is sweet, that is....