Mother screams insults when we leave. What can we do to ease the drama?

My folks were never mean to us or stopped telling us they loved us. Both had dementia! We were Blessed. The Sugar though, that seems to be the last taste bud left to them as they/we age. Dad could consume 10 packets of sugar in a single cup of coffee. Did a real number on his stomach, though!
Mom is getting the same way. If it is dessert, it must by good, well if it is sweet, that is....

You can eliminate the drama, by eliminating the good bys; when its time to go, just leave,

One time while visiting a care home, I saw residents consuming sugar packets! I thought "how strange!"

Yes. Sweets are the favorite, for some reason. My mom loved sweets so much, I found her a few times, DRINKING from the maple syrup bottle and screamed bloody murder when I tried to take it from her. We would go to the grocery store and she would steal bananas and ride around the store eating them. Of course, she would never do these things when before the Alzheimer's and always told us she loved us. I missed that part. I never thought she would ever be hateful and curse like she did the months before she passed. I still miss her everyday. It was 2 years ago this Christmas she left us. Good luck to all you caregivers and please take care of yourselves in this New Year.

swright2 you are a saint. My mother was like that and honestly I couldn't deal with it,
not sure how you do it. My mother is now passed and I care for my narcissistic father
who is manipulative, deceptive and demanding, but does not verbally abuse. Thank god.

I'd second what everyone else is saying, just politely walk away when she acts like that. And don't worry about the facility caregivers, they are probably happy to have respite
with your visit and know how to deal with behavior like that. Unfortunately, many
Alzheimer's patients can become combative, they've likely seen it all.

You're doing above and beyond. Kudos to you for caring for such a parent and keeping
your equanimity.

I appreciate all of these suggestions!
I have sat next to her and tried to rub her arm or hug her and she screams DON'T TOUCH ME. I will try to put some lotion on her arms or legs and maybe she will allow me to do that.
SueC - yes, our childhood was a nightmare and I left for college after graduating from high school. She takes credit for getting me into the university which bothers me bc I worked hard to get good grades and she was not an encouraging type of parent but it's part of her narcissism. I am a teacher and she has told me many times she is ashamed of me bc I chose that profession when SHE hated school. This was before her dementia set in. I am used to it now but it did hurt my feelings as she brought it up every time I visited her. I liked school because I felt safe there and admired my teachers.
Moecam - I will bring her some hot chocolate and share it with her. I'm sure she will like that.

It's interesting to hear everyone else's stories. I know I am not alone.

I have nearly always brought something to mom when I visit - she smiles when I get there much like Pavlov's dog because she associates me with pleasure - I not saying this needs to be expensive things & sometimes she doesn't know me other than a familiar face

Right now I find picking up a medium hot chocolate from Tim Horton's is what she likes - I bring 2 plastic Tupperware mugs so we can share - she was always asking if I wanted part of her treat so she feels better when we share - I get a large cookie there to & they will cut it in half for me to share too - I get this about 15 minutes before I get there in case of spillage so she doesn't get burned

Once she starts equating you with pleasure then start saying a low key good-bye with "what would you like me to get you?" so that she will think you are going to get her something BUT that's for next time - try it as it could make her feel when you leave it's for her benefit - good luck

My wife is in a NH because of a stroke which resulted in the lose of use of her right limbs. She is 57, bipolar, and is paranoid about her health. In fact she went to the emergency room 60+ times this year, before the stroke. She doesn't want to be in a NH but i can't physically take care of her at this point. She is beginning to regain some use of her right limbs but still needs 2 people to transfer from bed to wheel chair and wheel chair to toilet. She has begun to walk on parallel bars with the help of 3 people.
I said all this to say she thinks she is ready to come home. She gets angry every time i leave without taking her with me. Either she can't or doesn't want to understand that she's not ready. She outweighs me by about 50 lbs, plus I have been disabled for over 20 years because of 2 failed back surgeries. She keeps telling me that i don't love her instead of trying to understand that she needs more therapy. She has not been home in 60 days and every day but one I have been with her no less then 4 hours and up to 16 hours. We also have a 15 year-old learning disabled son that I am raising. I don't get the yelling, but the guilt trip is terrible.

Swright,
SO sorry that you had a mean (awful) mom. Mine wasn't mean just narcissistic and didn't really want to be bothered with a (whoops) kid. Your childhood must have been hell. You sound so calm and together for what you've suffered. How wonderful you and your sisters are for even having anything to do with her. You will be blessed.

What worked for my mom was the same as most posters--distraction and fibbing.
"I have to go to the bathroom,
I'm going to get a drink of water,
I left something in the car,
The nurse wants to talk to me"......
You get the idea. Since she gets "excited" when she KNOWS you are leaving, I would not bring up the fact that you are exiting.
Start with "I'm going to the ladies room". Discretely take your purse. (leave your coat near the door when you go in  or in the car.) Hopefully she won't follow you.

Enlist the cooperation of the staff to assist you to leave. They're good at that.

Hopefully mom won't chew you out about sneaking out at your next visit.

To other posters;
Yes, my first reaction is-To heck with her-don't go back-don't visit. If she's always hated me then she can be by herself.

But, loving someone (as best as you can) IN SPITE of them hating you, is fulfilling what the Lord has asked us to do. Be the bigger person and show the hater how to love. We can be a model to them of how we are loved by God. Have compassion on their miserable souls, pity them for missing out on a life filled with joy and warmth and having a heart filled with hate.

God can't forgive us unless we forgive others. We need to be compassionate.

What about the Golden Rule? 
Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

Also, let's not forget-these parents have a brain disease that is distorting their views and destroying their actual brain matter. Even IF she meant what she said, she's suffering now.

"The King will reply, 'Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.'
Matthew 25:40

There, but for the grace of God, go I.

Some very good answers here! I also would make a fairly quiet and low key exit. I was sad to think about not being kissy huggy though. I don’t like the idea of it being prolonged and over emotional. However, hugs are so good for the soul! Loving physical contact is a necessity in life and more so for the elderly. It doesn’t have to be a full body hug though. One of the best feelings I ever got as a child was having my mom lovingly stroke my head. I do it to my children and get the same pleasure. And it is obvious when I do it to my mom that she loves it. She leans in to it like a cat! So don’t forget how much they may need that physical touch. It may not be at the end and it might even be as simple as gently rubbing lotion on their hands or feet but that unnecessary and intentional physical contact is really important to validate them as a worthwhile human being.

I have learnt a lot from my experience with our mum, now looking back over past few years of uphill and downhill daily challenges. Mum passed away in March this year. I am now reflecting back on the memories. I liked to think that mum would always be her sweet self till the end, but illness affects us all, with loss of freedom and dependent on others to care for us, is a challenging time for them. That we can't do the things we used to, our bodies are slowing down and that can affect our moods and irritations, so they vent on the ones close to them. We all humans need to vent. That has an effect on their moods daily. My advice is you cannot argue with your loved one, no matter how much you try to reason who is right or who is wrong, they may say things that you cannot reason with, but you will end up more upset and hurt if you get locked into an argument. Try to make the times you spend together creative, rather than talking together too much. I used to tell mum let us say a prayer together, and she loved that. It was prayers that she liked and also tell them that we can pray for others too, everyone needs prayers, even the carers, nurses, staff, need prayers. So that makes them feel that they are not alone in their suffering, that others have needs too. I also used to find a familiar hymn on YouTube or soft music and play it from my mobile phone or ipad, while she relaxed in evenings or sing to her softly.

It has been weeks since I had a good visit with my mother. She is not in memory care, but in a regular nursing facility. She does suffer from bipolar disorder and in the last couple of months her medication needed to be adjusted several times. Visits were not pleasant though there was no screaming and cursing like swright’s mother. That must be very difficult for you and her. I agree with several posters that you should distract her and slip out.
Today, for the first time in a while, we had a good visit. I got us both coffee from the cafeteria and we watched an old movie in her room. Before I left, I wheeled her to the cafeteria so she could eat dinner with her “homegirls”, only one of them still has verbal ability to greet her, but I think they all communicate with each other nonetheless. I said goodbye with a hug and kiss (yes, we have always been demonstrative in my family - we’re Latinos and we live in the South where everyone hugs and kisses anyway). When I left, she said “Take care”. I had to go back and ask her to repeat what she said because I thought I had heard wrong. It has been a long time since she has expressed concern for me. I know that these good visits are rare, and the next visit might be another in which I am sad and crying, but for today, it was good.

Well my first thought is that she needs to have her meds adjusted. My wife has exhibited similar behavior and we as soon as it became a problem outside the home her doctor changed her meds so that it calmed her down. That was only two months ago, and then we pretty much immediately were able to get her a room in a memory care facility. She wants to go home and lets us know constantly, and when I show up it can sometimes be awkward. Anyway, we do not like to see her somewhat over-medicated, but she no longer screams and makes threats etc. So we felt there was nothing else we could do.

DO NOT RESPOND TO ACRIMONIOUS BEHAVIOR.

Thanks for everyone's suggestions. I know she has dementia and that she really does mean what she says when she is cruel. It's something we have lived with since we were little. I was just asking so that when I leave she doesn't disturb the other residents with her screaming and profanity. I am used to it and all that comes with her hatefulness I was just trying to see if you experts knew of a tried and true method. I am so glad I found this forum!!
Donsully - no I am using the handle bc it's easy to remember! LOL

My wife (86 with dementia) sometimes screams at me when I leave and sometimes it's hugs and kisses. She will tell me to never come back, but forgets all about it the next visit. But she also sometimes gets hostile in the middle of a visit, for no reason at all. She's always happy when I arrive for a visit. I realize it's her dementia causing this and I've learned to live with her changing moods.
Incidentally, did you get your handle (swright2) from Senor Wences?

My mom gets mad whenever the Caregiver leaves. She starts to scream and curse. Whenever somebody spends the night she gets mad why they sleep in my brother’s room. There is nowhere else to sleep.

So sorry you're going through this and your sisters too.

Talk with the facility manager. Explain what Mom is doing and make a game plan.

Ask if Mom does the same thing with the staff.

If she doesn't, then perhaps the game plan could be a signal that you want to leave and a staffer will come in with an excuse that you need to leave. Say your goodbyes and leave.

I've been told that dementia can make people turn 180 deg from what they used to be and I witnessed that with my dad. He never ever used a swear word in his life, but apparently would cuss at the nursing staff and get quite verbally aggressive. We were shocked. It's hard for us, but it must be unbearable for them. Always try 'gentleness', it works so much better. The minute we get upset or angry, they get twice as difficult.

my feeling. I would just walk out and let her scream and yell. there's nothing you can do, so don't even try.

Wow, sounds like one of our long-winded regulars is REALLY off her meds today, lol! Please ignore!

My mother sometimes dozed off mid-visit and I would sneak out, but she never got surly or demanded to go home. Distraction worked well, I would give her a cookie or a magazine or little stuffed animal from the dollar store. "Here, Mom, this is for you. I am running out for a while, I'll be back soon." A true statement! She had no sense of time, I visited her for my OWN peace of mind once a week.  She babbled nonsense and non-sequitors responding to me, I wasn't sure if she even understood what I (or she herself) was saying.... One time her ex-neighbor visited with me, and we said, 'we have to go now, they want us to move the car' and she followed us down the hall to the elevator in her wheelchair! "I'm going with you, of course!" Ah, a distant memory after seeing the neighbor popped up!  They spent a lot of time together.... We asked an aide to distract mom while we made our escape, and when I next showed up a couple of days later, she didn't remember the visit with her friend, or by me for that matter,  at all!  

Sounds like your figuring it out, that's great. Treats was a great idea! Brings back memories of when my grandmother was in the hospital, she wasn't eating had no apatite so I started bringing her coffee shakes every time I visited. I became a "thing" we shared for years, well after that particular hospital visit and extended to others and later when she had dementia. She always remembered those coffee shakes and she always perked up when anyone mentioned them. It really became more about me bringing them which was nice for me too because I remember my aunt asking where I got them or what the trick was because GM didn't enjoy the ones she brought as much when trying to put weight on her another time. Hehehe, my GM had a sweet tooth as well though so treats were a good way to go with her as well. Anyway while the treats themselves serve a purpose I think the act of taking them or sharing them, whatever it is (different for everyone) can become the ritual that overcomes the problem, feeling left in this elderly home in this case and picking up on those ques can be key in dealing with these big hurdles. How scary it must be to have dementia and yet know you are being left without any of your loved ones in this new place. The dementia can make them paranoid too and when your brain is doing things you have no control over it must be easy to let paranoia creep in, the fear everyone you know and love is leaving and not trusting they will come back or you will wake up yet you can't fully grasp it all or remember what is happening, doing just what you are and associating good experiences with this new place and your visits, perfect. I would also consult the people there or any other professionals that come to mind about it, tell them what's happening and see what ideas they might offer about how to ease her through this. They must see this all the time and have an arsenal of things that work for families including perhaps what someone else mentioned, having the staff there help with the exit.

You just need to remember for your sanity that her words and behavior aren't really about you or the current moment, they are coming from her disease and as hard as it is try to detach from the personal reaction and emotion. Hope that made some sense... You aren't alone and more people than you realize are sending you emotional support. I bet everyone in earshot when this is going on, everyone of sound mind anyway, knows exactly what your going through, wants to help but knows there isn't anything they can do except stay out of the way. Most have probably been in some form of your situation, think about what you will be thinking/feeling when the new resident of the room next door is doing the same thing to his or her son/daughter. Hang in there and keep up the good work!

How is your mom when you first arrive? That's the main question that should be focused on. If she seems hateful when you first arrive, then that should tell you right there how she really feels. I would listen very carefully to her words especially if she was never a very loving mother. Sometimes parents are hateful toward their kids and they never tell you how they really feel in some cases, especially if it was a stepmom. It may be that she may have never wanted kids for some reason or another because maybe she didn't think she could handle them and now she's in a situation where someone has put her into a memory care facility and her true feelings are really coming out, feelings she may have been holding in all these years. If I were you I would sit down and do some very serious soul-searching and reviewing your past with her and really pay attention to see what kind of life you all had with your mom, especially if she happens to be a stepmom and you really weren't her blood relatives. If you were, maybe she may have impregnated by accident when she was younger and really never wanted kids. This is what happens, when you play you pay. It wasn't your fault if she may not have wanted kids if she was fooling around and got pregnant all three times, as I'm gathering there are three of you. Couples want to full around but they really don't want the responsibility when a baby arrives, which can cause resentment toward those children later on. You couldn't help it you were born if she really does have resentment toward you and I'm speaking from experience, because my mom didn't like me either. She hated both me and my sister who she contributed to killing. Then there's my dad who she turned against us kids. Dad was the other culprit who got off scott free because he did his share in the killing on the way out the door to work and let mom take the full blame. I know what it is to have a hateful parent, not one, but two of them! If your mom says she's always hated you, then believe her and don't go back, I sure wouldn't if I were in your shoes especially knowing I had a rough past with both of my parents through no fault of my own. They both had mental issues and most likely had mental illness. I know mom good and you can just about bet since dad was able to be coerced into turning against his own children that he also had a screw loose. In my particular situation, knowing what I know and having been through what I was through, I wouldn't be a bit surprised if either of my parents would've said some hateful things later in life and I would've definitely believed them if they said they hated me knowing what they put me through because this is when the truth really comes out. This is something to consider if you had a rough past with your mom. 

* One final thing to consider is even if you didn't have a particularly rough past with your mom, she still may not have wanted kids but only tolerated you because of your dad. Sometimes when we love someone, we must take the good with the bad, even if they have some bad habits or if they have kids that do stuff we don't particularly like. Something like this can actually cause resentment toward those kids if they happen to be step kids. If your mom happens to have married a rich man and expected him to go before her, she may be disappointed that because of her dementia, now she's in memory care and can no longer expect to cash in if he goes before her because now the nursing home gets all that money, unless he has something set up to provide for her when he's gone. Sometimes when a rich man has a death or divorce and remarry's and takes his kids into a new marriage, sometimes there is resentment over money but the kids really never know it until later. Another thing that can happen like with my parents  is mom who had nothing married a rich man, my dad. We lived off of his income but I think the real reason why mom was secretly trying to knock us kids off is most likely over the money we didn't know dad had. I'll bet mom most likely expected dad to go first since he had what could potential he have been a very dangerous job on the assembly line so she most likely thought she would cash in and be the only living heir to the fortune because her plan was all of us kids would be gone and the whole entire fortune would be hers. However, God intervened knowing her sick plan and he took her first and now I'm the only one left. See how the tables turn when you have hateful  parents? See how God intervened on my behalf and acted in my favor? Now I'm the only one standing and I'm the only one entitled to the fortune she thought she would kill us all over, and now this first song that comes to my mind is titled, another one bites the dust. I strongly suspect there was probably a problem with your mom that you all may not have known and I  only speak from personal experience with my own parents. If you had a rough past with your parents through no fault of your own, they will more likely say hateful stuff to you later in life. If they kept their thoughts to themselves and just tolerated you but didn't really like you, it can also  come out later in life if they land somewhere they don't want to be and they resent you for putting them there like in memory care. I strongly suspect this as a possibility having had hateful parents myself. If they really don't like you when you're young, they'll hate you when they're old and that's my personal experience

To - swright2
I read all the comments and some of them reminded me of what I did when my infant children would get upset and were unable to control their emotions. I would pop a marsachino cherry in their mouths and hug them while I sang a song to them. Worked every time. I also remember when my Aunt was dying at a young age of brain cancer. Her husband visited her every night and before he left he would hug her and sing their favorite song till she relaxed. A ritual that they got accostomed to relaxed them and they felt their world was going to be alright. Be patient but do use any tactic you can to distract her when you are leaving. Good to hear that the staff is helping out.

Hang in there - this isn't easy on any of us

Love,
RosePetal

The best advise I was given when my mom said things was to ignore it as she doesn't really know what she is saying. I promise you'll survive and will be happy that you got to be with her in her final days.

It does make it difficult if you don’t remember that they loose the ability to function well socially at times. Try not to take it personally and try some of the suggestions here. It is so very difficult for you and your siblings. I thought it was hard until my husband stopped verbalizing at all. That is very painful. Try to find a way to leave that will make you feel more comfortable- and hopefully not “set her off”. It is one horrible disease

Simple "Ignore it" She probably doesn't know what she is doing.

I set my smartphone alarm to go off after a certain number of minutes (20 max). When it rings, I say, "Gotta go pick up the kids or we'll get in trouble for being late. I'll be back, don't worry." If she wanted to know where? "They are just down the street at the church but that alarm meant I was supposed to be there then. Not enough room in the car for all the ones coming home with me tonight and you too, so you better stay here."

My dad has advanced dementia. Lots of times when I’m ready to leave I say I have groceries in the car and I need to get home to put them away or I use the weather a lot as a reason for leaving, or I say I don’t want to drive home in the dark. ( I’m less than 5 minutes away). Sometimes I think the trigger especially now in the winter is he sees me with my coat on and he wants to go “home” too.

LOL...food always works! All the best to you....