I care for my 92-year-old mother. She has pain every day. How can I help my mom accept dying more peacefully?

I'm not sure why your mom wouldn't qualify for hospice. The only qualifying criteria is that the patient only has 6 months to live. It is paid for in full by Medicare, so there's no financial check.
With your mother's advanced age, I don't see why her doctor couldn't give an order for hospice. Intractable pain is definitely a qualifying diagnosis.

Try another doctor for your mom. It's rediculous that your mom suffer and you not have any help.

Call a recommended hospice (try Yelp or Google hospices in your area with ratings) and ask them for help.

Same here with our father. He was afraid of dying and didn’t want to be left alone or have his room dark. Hospice was set up and he was given dilaudid for pain and liquid Ativan for his fears and this made him relax .. the preached was called in and spoke with him and assured him somehow that he did not need to fear death ... the preacher asked him if dad was sure he was going to heaven.. and dad nodded yes ... so I guess he felt it to be ok to not fight it anymore ... dad died the next night....he was only on hospice maybe two days.... we wanted to get him on hospice a month earlier.. but he said he wasn’t ready for hospice... we should have done it anyway and just not told him.. when he finally got on hospice we didn’t tell him he is now in hospice... ppl think that if they accept hospice they think they feel like they are giving up now... not so... hospice can offer so much more than home health .. home health will let u know when they can’t do anything more for your parent and will get hospice started... Medicare pays for home health and hospice so there is no reason to put it off... just get hospice set up and just don’t advise your parent of it...they will get her better and appropriate end of life meds to ease her pain and fears.... my dad was not in pain when he passed.. and that’s all we want .. to die free of pain... please don’t wait and get hospice set up very soon. I feel for you .

Try another church. I had a very helpful conversation with a Catholic priest in college and I'm not Catholic. People handle things in different ways. This may be her way. You may have to accept it. Pray for her peace and for strength to accept what you cannot change. Please be aware that you are normal, that you've started to grieve. Is she on hospice? If not talk to the doctor to see if she qualifies.

Hi all churches don't have trained staff to handle this life season. But keep looking for larger churches that may share resources to help you. Playing relaxing music and audio bible playing scripture May help with calming everyone down. Prayer helps too. Google prayers for comfort...and print them to read daily. You can not do it alone. Partner with God. I am praying for you all. Joy comes in the morning every day💪💪💐💐💐😊

Dear Alone,
I hear your pain from across the web. I offer my sincerest thoughts of support and serenity.

My mother passed at 73 after 21 years of battling breast cancer. Towards the end, she had lots of fears too. Most were relating to her not being able to communicate and being in terrible pain. As well as wanting others to not become panicked.

I decided to go home and assist with her hospice set up. I met with the hospice nurse when the care plan was established. I am very sorry that is not available to your mother. It was very helpful and the nurse was amazing. 

What I got to do was engage in all the conversation and questions my mother had as the nurse explained the death process. She was very frank, gentle yet firm that death is a natural process and fighting it is not a requirement.

My mother, ever the control freak, needed some type of control back. For her, it was accomplished by having the nurse go through the organic step by step process of dying. From the first cycle of death pains to the eventual inability to recognize those around her.

For some reason that brought her peace. She needed to know that her family would not need to be the one vigilant for her body at the end. That Drs and nurses would be able to make her comfortable. She needed to know that communicating will be lost far before her actual death. I imagine every person is different and there is absolutely "that special thing" that will reach your mother too.

I agree with getting the pain under control. My mother hated the Phenergan because it made her even more out of it and she was already fearing loss of communication. I suggested switching her to Zofran. It doesn't cause many side effects and doesn't make you sleepy. In addition, the oxycontin was causing her to bloat horribly, so I asked about a patch that would not upset her stomach. She ended up on a low dose of fentanyl (not possible for everyone).

After tweaking some of her comfort measures, she settled into releasing her anxious thoughts and I witnessed her move towards surrendering. I decided to ask all of the extended family and siblings to send me pictures of them with her. Along with a list of their top 10 favorite events shared with her and top ten things they love most about her. After collecting them I made an album book, edited it with favorite poems, pictures of favorite foods and other unique things specific to her.

In all, I think I must have edited together 40 family and friends pages. It ended with something from each grandchild. After her Hospice meeting, I pulled it out. She spent the rest of the day looking it over, remembering, pointing and smiling at how much we all remember of her.

It gave her a glimpse of what we would all be missing, thinking of, honoring and that she would continue to be a part of our lives. Maybe there is something similar you can do. My mother carried that book with her everywhere like a favorite snuggly to the day she died. Whenever she felt sad or scared she pulled it out.

My goal actually was to assist all the people visiting her at the end to have easy conversation. Its hard to know what to say as someone dies and I didn't want visitors to freeze up and make a delicate time uncomfortable. It worked perfectly and tears that flowed were happy ones and ones she understood more easily.

She may not be able to tell you what would comfort her at all. So perhaps you can script the conversations somehow to focus on the beautiful memories she has created for others. Even if that is far and few between, find those and celebrate those now. 

I am thinking of you and as others have said. We are here for you from across the web, albeit not as useful as a hug or helpful as dropping off a hot meal. Thinking of you during this time and times to come.- Pamela J

Pray.

Turn on the TV set and watch Long Island Medium and Mama Medium with your mom. She will see and hear the incredible messages the dead are sending to their loved ones, and she may understand that life DOES go on after death, and there is nothing to fear. The comfort these two mediums provide to people in grief is amazing.......and even those who staunchly believe that there is 'nothing' after we die wind up changing their minds. Actually, it's impossible not to after hearing enough of the wonderful messages.

Best of luck to you.

I don't blame her for fighting to hang onto life, cuz some people haven't made their peace with God. Isn't it kindest to pray with the dying? (Help her ask God to forgive her sins, & take her to heaven). It seems most comforting, to give them this hope of going to be with God.

I’m so sorry your minister isn’t helpful. Could a different minister come to help you.
Rarely did my husband think he was dying, he wanted to be able to get out of bed again right till the end. But he did have moments when he would talk about dying. That’s when I assured him that as a Christian he would go to heaven where he would no longer have any pain or be sick. I told him I thought that he would see his mother, she might come to get him. That it would be wonderful, he would be ok, I would take care of him.
A hug for you from me, you are doing a good job!

You cannot get someone to accept dying. That is something everyone does or doesn't do for themselves. My mother would get all melancholy about not wanting to go on, but she fought like crazy when it came down to it. She was in Hospice for month before dying. She would not talk about dying to the hospice workers. Or me. Or the priest. Toward the end I was persuaded to tell her it was okay to let go. She squeaked, "Noooooo". I just visited. Brought pictures. Held her hand and waited with her. She had nothing nice to say to me, but that's another story. Just be with your mother. You can't fix everything.

Alone:
Assure mom that when she is dead she will be 1) happy with the angels and the people she loves, or 2) her brain will stop working and she won't know she is dead, so will not feel anything. Especially not her present daily pain. Which most likely can be managed by a competent doctor.

I'm pretty blunt, in general, not having been brought up by a loving mother, and having had to mother myself. But have spent some of my own time working with and for the dying.

People have died while holding my hand and I have seen they have nothing to fear. It often happens slowly, gently, with no stress, just acceptance.

Once in a while, as happened to me while working in a hospital, the patient will jump out of bed, go to the bathroom, come out and say she wants to go home tomorrow. Then crawls back under the covers, looks around....and stops breathing.
Whatever happens, accept it. Don't panic or fuss. Just accept.

It sometimes helps dying people to have their feet gently massaged. With a nicely scented cream. Truly.

What, I have to ask, is there for mom to fear? Except the worry she'll miss something when she's gone..... something important or not important, but something in her life. Or maybe not. People are hard to figure out sometimes.

Mom does not have to do anything to die except close her eyes and let it happen. We all, every one, everywhere, go through it. Better to comfort oneself with pleasant thoughts than spend precious time fretting about something that cannot be changed.

In her case, if she imagines herself in a beautiful place, with flowers and sunshine, green grass and sheep in the meadow---she can be there for as long as she likes and feel the sun on her face, the breeze in her hair, smell the ripening fruit in the hedgerow or hear autumn's crunchy leaves......let her take you there, use her own words to paint the picture for you.

Softly, gently, stroking her skin as if she were a baby again, whisper together about the good times she's had. Assure her your tears are for the loss you will feel when she's gone, and not for what she will experience. She will always be with you, and in your heart, and she has been a good mother and a good person and so many will miss her, but that is the way life is. We are given it as a gift to use up and then to move on out, leaving people smiling when they think of us...,,,for years and years to come.

One point, if she won't talk about fear...how do you know....?

I myself, look forward to complete peace, for the first time ever. Would your mother welcome the same?

May your way be eased by the compassion you show now, the light you shed on the darkness of others, and the faces of sun and moon lighting your way.

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Talk to her doctor about getting a pain patch or something similar that will continually supply her with a medication for pain. This will keep it at a lower level or nonexistent and if it gets worse there may be an additional medication that could be given to supplement.
As for being afraid of dying, I think everyone is for the most part. Talk with her about what she fears and why, find out if she would like to talk to a chaplain who could counsel her, I would also buy some books where people have died and come back and talk about their experiences. I have found them to be reassuring.

If you talking about her pain. I have pain from FMS and arthritis I tried cannabis oil without THC (CBD oil) and after a week my pain was reduced by 75%. It’s legal. I order it online from Green Roads which is based in Florida. I take 1/2 ml every day.

Even though your Mom does not qualify for hospice, talk to a hospice agency and see if their chaplain or grief counselor would be willing to come and talk to your Mom about her fear of dying.  Both of the hospice agencies in the town I live in have grief counselors who will visit people who do not have family members as patients.

One thing you can say to your mom is that you will be fine when she "transitions" from this earth. Sometimes they will hang on because they think you need them. A good book is Nearing the End of Life. A guide for relatives and friends of the Dying. By Sue Brayne It might help you

1st thing to do is get a doctor that will address her pain, there is no peace to be found when you are in tremendous pain.

I think I would ask her if there is anything she feels like she needs to do. Any unfinished business as it were.

She knows she is dying, we ALL get that is part of life. If she doesn't want to discuss it, honor that. Talk about life, remember the good times and all the memories you share with her, ask her about herself when she was young and people she remembers that were long gone before you.

I wouldn't want to dwell on my immanent demise either, I would want to continue living until I'm not.

She has told you what to do with her body, let it go, that's all you need to know, funerals are for the living, not the dead. You're lucky in that, my dad thinks he'll live to 140 and won't even say what he wants.

You say your minister...is it her minister as well? If she is a believer she may not be afraid, she may feel something has been left unfinished.

Ppeople got down right angry with me for giving my sister a hard time on her death bed, I was like, sis, do you want me to treat you like your living or dying? Living of course, so when she made a snipey comment, I continued to say bite me, she loved it. You can't live your last days focusing on dying, how terrible that would be if you have your mental faculties.

Pray for guidance and peace for yourself to be able to honor her desire to continue living a life as long as she has breath.

I will have the same, my mom, who was fortunate enough to stay relatively healthy up to her 90, when she first time went to the hospital (in this country first time, in the country she came from she usual went to the hospital for conditions she can easy stay home and they did nothing just keep people there for 21 days) in that country for 13 years living with me, she was so shocked by her conditions that she was saying to me kill me. Because this was in the same time that the doctors asked me a question to put or not feeding tube in her, I asked her, mom you dont want to live anymore? and she clearly said, No I do. So this time she was able to get out of feeding tube and now in NH, with her dementia and other problems its impossible for me to keep her home, but she is full code and she was always denied even to speak about death, so I am just feeling that she is enjoying her life although for me it looks miserable....She does not tolerate pain at all, so I think that if she ll be in pain I will talk to hospice or palliative care to do anything to releive the pain even if it will shorten her life, because she becomes furious on everybody and mostly on me, if she is in slightest pain...Hard.

I would suggest you read Being Mortal by Atul Gawande. It will help you work thru this yourself and also give you a point of dialogue to talk to your mother. She may be a long way from dying, so it is living that you need to focus on. Instead of getting her to accept dying, which no one wants to accept, really, it will give you a framework to talk to her about what she wants for her remaining future, etc. There are also some articles online written by him which pose the questions and framework for discussion if you don't have time to read the book. I listened to it from Audible; it was wonderful. And I agree that she should get an evaluation to see what could be done to help her pain. Don't expect the doctor to do the work to talk about her dying. Unless she has a terminal disease where death is imminent, what would any doctor say?

My wonderful mom fought like a lion for every second of her five days short of 95 years.
I will swear with my own dying breath that my dad came to get her the day she went Home, and that day she was sweetly peaceful and totally lacking of the resistance that had filled her in the days before.
If your mom isn’t receiving a regime of pain management that gives her adequate relief, I’d ask her doctor for a referral to a pain management specialist.
I think when/if someone wishes to talk about his/her future, however they see it, they will.
Please consider talking to a gentle listener about your own feelings. YOUR feelings about her concerns are important as well as hers.
Blessings.

I really don't think that this is something you can give to her. People used to urge me to tell my mother it was OK to let go since her quality of life was obviously nil and nobody could figure out what was keeping her alive, it just reminded her of her imminent mortality and made her more anxious. I used to wish she was like all those little old men and women we read about who say they are ready to die, but she wasn't, she clung to life with everything she had (and by the end she had very little) right to the last breath. But... she was always a fighter, so that was OK too, and I don't think it made her final days any harder.

Talk to the doctor...she shouldn't have to be in physical pain. If she doesn't want to talk about dying that's her choice. Don't make your desire to address it something she is required to do. But do help her out of her pain.

Hospice is a good idea. They are so used to dealing with people who will die soon, that they probably have more experience than anyone else with the different ways that people react. They may be able to provide emotional help as well as the practical things.

Do you have Hospice? If not you may want to think about it.

If you have a Memorial Service who will be there? Just your family. Memorial services take place of a viewing and service usually. We had my MILs between her Wedding Anniversary and Birthday. She was cremated and buried with my FIL in a National Cemetery. We had a graveside service and afterwards a friend had a luncheon at her home.

Thank you for this answer! My mom says she wants to be cremated with no service since she moved to this city with us two years ago and she has no friends. My pastor said the memorial service is for us, the children, and he'll perform it. I've set about planning accordingly as I've learned to be prepared for the next thing thanks to experience and this community.

I don't know that you can. What can you say that would help her? What can you say that the minister failed to say? Your mom doesn't have a say-so in when she dies, it's not up to her. Sure, she'd be more at peace if she were more accepting but many people are afraid to die. If she doesn't want to talk about it that's OK. YOU can be accepting even if your mom isn't. Work on your peace of mind and let your mom figure out hers.