Mother wants to drive again. Thoughts?

Question

Mother wants to drive again. Thoughts?

Follow

Share

My mom hasn't driven in over 7 years. She hasn't walked in 4 years. She stopped being able to transfer into a car about 1-2 years ago. She's completely bound to a wheelchair or bed.

She's going off the rails today about how she's going to take the bus to the DMV to take her driver's test. I told her she's going to be very disappointed. I wouldn't put it past her to attempt to go. She is totally capable of lying to her home health saying she's just going to the store or something so they'll put her in her scooter. Then she'd end up at the DMV with nowhere to go.

Drives me bananas. She has slight dementia but not bad and it's not progressing. She just fixates on stuff, and this isn't the first time she's fixated on driving again. Maybe in a couple days she won't be fired up about it. But I honestly don't know.

I just want it to stop. It's making me anxious as hell even though I know realistically she'll never drive again.

Driving Mobility Mom

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

47 Answers

Most
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First

1 2

I think her dementia will eventually worsen, and you shouldn't let her drive a car at all, no matter how much she fixates on it. Can you get her a mechanical cart with no motor that she can drive around the yard instead?

Helpful Answer (0)

Report

See if there is any medication that might help. Make sure there is NO way she has access to a car. As to going to the DMV, tell her they are closed for "repairs, renovations", etc. Use excuses. Also tell her if it would help that the doctors will NOT authorize her to drive. For a senior to give up a car is tantamount to a death sentence. It would be for me. I will be 88 and am disabled but I safely do drive and out to eat and go to the store but take the car away from me, and I'd make sure I was gone to my maker within the month. It would kill me and as long as I drive safely and people ask ME to drive when they visit, I will drive. Also you can add major construction on the way to the DMV.

Helpful Answer (0)

Report

This is probably going to sound odd but you probably know her better than anyone else. You need to divert her attention. Tell her something you know will make her angry at you or will surprise her enough that is occupies her thoughts. Nothing diverts the mind more than anger or division or surprise. Something like Mom, was I adopted? Or Mom, have you ever thought about writing a book, you have some very interesting things you could tell. As they say divert, divert, divert.

Helpful Answer (1)

Report

Call the DMV and ask them how they handle it. I’m sure you’re not the first with this concern. You may be able to put her name on a list of people not to grant a license to, but they might require a doctor’s note to do so. It’s probably all just threats.

You could also offer to take her and then make sure the DMV understands her limitations, pass them a note or something.

I wish you luck. It’s like playing Whack-a-Mole.

Helpful Answer (0)

Report

I just heard the DMV has almost no people - all is done via computers when you arrive - so I would NOT take her - bad idea - won't work.

(0)

Report

I have learned so much from the Caretakers zoom meeting that I attend .. My man, in his reality, believes he can drive again , too . I let him know I heard him and response with “ it might take a long time to schedule an appointment . Then change the subject.. It usually is enough for him to let go of the thought for a while . Fibs are your friend. There is so much under the surface that does not show when memory issue crop up . It may only look like a mild issue but it might also be dementia. You might want to look up this word . It’s Anosagnosia. I was sure my guy was just in denial but as time past I understand so much better what he is going through . He has lost the person he was . In HIS reality ( with his broken brain ) he truly believes he is fine . He can no longer play golf , he can no longer use a phone or his laptop or the new remote controls. Driving is out of the question and he has balance problems , too. I was so angry with him all the time . The meetings have helped me understand that HE can not change what is happening to him , but I can change how I react to him as he slides down the slippery slope . . I hope this helps . There is help out there , you are not alone .

Helpful Answer (4)

Report

aj6044: Imho, her brain (even though she only has "slight dementia") may no longer possess the capacity to recognize that #1 She hasn't driven in 7 years and the much LARGER factor #2 She hasn't walked in 4 years! She hasn't considered the fact of how she would even get to the bus stop or how she would navigate upright to get on or off the bus. Perhaps her statement is nothing more than a fanciful hope.

Helpful Answer (2)

Report

Tell her you can't take a bus to the dmv because you have to have your car with you to do the test. Tell her they won't give the test to her because she can't walk. Or ask her questions to think about - You haven't been walking in a long time, do you think you can walk to the living room right now? Can you walk to the car? Do some leg exercises to see if you can get strong enough to walk and then we'll talk about dmv. Do your best to change subject or get her to say she can't walk to the car, so can't drive a car. Maybe even toss in a little danger to the conversation - what if your legs didn't work well when you tried to stop and you ran over someone? Wouldn't that be horrible???

I assume she only uses the scooter to get around inside the house, right?? If she can get out the front door on it, I would definitely block that path so she can't go outside.

Helpful Answer (3)

Report

You might get her a study book for the written driving test and tell her she has to read it and take tests while she is getting her legs working again. Has to pass a written test and be able to walk to show up at the dmv. Might keep her mind busy for a while.

(3)

Report

Driving means freedom and independence, I remember 16 as a coming of age. Even oldsters see it as freedom and independence and as rebellion against the youngsters.

I hope she doesn't end up at DMV - such a toll on you - but the DMV people would probably talk about it for a long time.

Remind her that her doc said she was no longer able to drive (whether he actually said it or not.) I basically badgered my father into giving up driving - I brought up the subject a lot as mom wouldn't touch it with a 10 foot pole (talk about passive/aggressive payback). Anyway he finally voluntarily gave up driving and the race was on to donate the car. However for the next 2 years he complained that I made him stop driving. He brought the subject up to his dr and her response was "Richard, we talked about you driving." That didn't stop his complaints. After 2 years he finally stopped the complaints.

Ahhhh - good times! (LOL)

PS. Sorry but my whackadoodle sense of humor sees your mom at DMV being graded on her scooter driving - what happens if she flunks that? - Sorry just had to share.

Helpful Answer (4)

Report

Can you just disable the car? Tell her the car is broken and can’t be repaired.

Helpful Answer (4)

Report

well first i would let the home health care people know to NEVER put her in her scooter so that she could possible leave, give them instructions that you need to be contacted first before they can do anything. if this doesn't satisfy her, then they need to tell her that the DMV is temporarily closed due to the virus (which in some cases, those places are closed). It sounds like she should not be in a scooter where she can get out of the house at all. Can someone put her in a car and drive her somewhere just to get out of the house? like a drive in the countryside, etc. and better find some kind of release because if she has beginnings of dementia (even though you say its not getting worse).....it could be especially if she is fixating on things to no end. it will get worse as their mind takes a detour in another route and might be lost there for an hour or so on the same subject. wishing you luck.

Helpful Answer (4)

Report

Perhaps, you could agree with her that it would be nice if she could drive, BUT first she needs to make sure that her legs are strong enough. Could she get PT for strengthening and then would she realize that she cannot drive?

Helpful Answer (2)

Report

PT has to be ordered by her physician in order for it to be covered by insurance. A private citizen cannot just call up a PT and get therapy for a non-diagnosed medical issue. I'm in favor of a solution that does not add any type of time or financial burden on the caregiver adult child. Therapeutic fib is best: "Sure, I'll call them tomorrow." Then change the subject. Repeat as necessary.

(5)

Report

I went through this with both my parents. Until the day my Dad died he was determined he was going to drive again. My mother keeps asking for her car. She is on the dementia unit in a Nursing Home. I just agree with her and say the car is right out in the parking lot. Then I change the subject. She also can’t stand or move about when in a wheelchair. I know there is no chance and when Dad was alive get to a car. Stop worrying. It is best to just agree and change the subject. My Dad was the worst because he had been an auto mechanic but had Parkinson’s so was unable to attach the battery cable when he was still somewhat mobile.

Helpful Answer (3)

Report

If you know “realistically she’ll never drive again” it isn’t about driving. It might be useful to figure out what’s really causing the anxiety.

In the meantime, I share my husband’s gift: “Duck.” It’s a reminder to let frustration/angst run off my back like rain slides off a duck’s back so the duck stays dry.

Find husband, say “duck” and he understands all in a single word.

Husband says “duck” and I have an ally.

I do deep breathing with a “duck, duck, duck” mantra to restore inner calm (before the d’s become f’s … just sayin’)

Helpful Answer (6)

Report

I suggest deferring. I’m sure you are already a master at this. I told my mom that the car was broken, and we were waiting for mechanic.

Helpful Answer (3)

Report

I'm coming to this question a little late, as there are already some good responses. This type of desire is so common among older people who have lost their independence...whether they are far into dementia or just a little bit. My father did not have much dementia, but he had lost his judgment about himself to some extent - thinking he was more capable than he really was. His repeated desire was to "buy a little house" and live in it. He'd talk about how he could afford it and get some of the nice women (from the assisted living) to work for him there to help him out. This, of course, was not realistic, as I would have to help him arrange all of it and I'd be the one in trouble if one of the caregivers didn't show up or quit. It worried me a little and I'd feel badly for him being stuck in a more institutional living situation. BUT, I know it wasn't something possible. I'd usually just acknowledge the desire - like "That would be really nice, wouldn't it?" "It would be great to have your own place again." Fortunately, my dad wasn't so fixated that this repeated and repeated, it was just every so often. If the person repeats a LOT, I'd suggest an appt. with a geriatric psychiatrist and/or her neurologist to discuss symptoms and symptom relief. That sort of repeated fixation may be a sign of the patient's anxiety and might be relieved by some low-dose medication.

Helpful Answer (6)

Report

Where is the car and where are the keys? How about removing both with the guise of 'borrowing' the car for a few days.

Helpful Answer (5)

Report

What you want to stop is actually you saying "I want to learn how to manage my overwhelm, anxiety, fears, etc." so I can be centered and calm to communicate with my mother" while managing my own health needs and well being."

* Clearly, she won't change because her brain will not allow her to.
* You need to learn to take breaks / how to manage your overwhelm, learn what your triggers are and take action as soon as you are aware they are activating.
* While you may believe it is 'slight' dementia, it sounds much more serious than that to me and/or other brain functioning deterioration is going on. You need to find out / to educate yourself so you can understand how to manage how you feel / communicate with your mom.
* I understand it is 'a broken record.' We all go through it in our unique ways with our elders - family or friend. I do believe the 'best' way to handle it is to learn to give yourself SELF-COMPASSION and then be aware to give this to your mom - practice.
* It is important to learn how to 're-direct' her attention when she gets fixated. Say, okay I understand, and then change the subject/her focus. This is what medical professionals do in a memory care unit ('redirect' + engage). It is a learned behavior so give yourself time and self-support while practicing.
* And, I believe the 'best' way for anyone to manage this is to take breaks and learn how and what you need for 'self-care' = so you limit or stop the 'drives me bananas' which is more than understandable.
Gena / Touch Matters

Helpful Answer (8)

Report

If she has dementia, she can't drive. Ask her how she is going to get in and out of car? How is she going to use foot pedals? Just keep asking questions and entertain her thoughts.

Helpful Answer (2)

Report

Keys must be changed (if she has keys) so they don't fit in the car.
* Part of the car engineer must be dis-engaged so it doesn't start.
* Alert local police of this situation.
* Call DMV to have DL taken away (needs MD authorization)
* If this woman talks about driving, she is not thinking logic (she can't) so asking her the questions you pose won't matter. Re-directing her focus is what will help her, and the daughter.
Gena / Touch Matters

(7)

Report

See 1 more reply

The problem is not so much your Mom's fixation, but the anxiety it's causing YOU. It "drives me bananas" and it's "making me anxious as hell". You say your Mom has slight dementia and it's not progressing. I think that's a mistake to think that. Dementia just doesn't halt; it progresses. I'm going to be honest here. My Mom also started to fixate on things periodically that would "drive me nuts". She would do things obviously dangerous to her (like repeatedly buying throw rugs to put around the house, go up and down the basement stairs "backwards" holding onto the railings to steady herself to do the laundry, trying to drag a hose off the hose reel to water her garden, etc). She also had "slight" dementia.

What helped ME cope with her behavior was visiting MY doctor. He prescribed a very small dose of Xanax that I took in the morning before visiting my Mom for the day. It took the edge off my anxiety and helped me calmly interact with Mom and appropriately distract her fixation on whatever. My brother lived with her and he was just passive aggressive and either ignored what she wanted or gave into her demands to take her shopping (so she could get more throw rugs, etc). I also had an understanding husband of 40 years to vent to. Caregiving the elderly is not easy. My longtime PCP understood that. I am and always have been a worrier (anxious) and caring for my Mom for 10 years kicked that into high gear. She's been gone 5 years now and I still have my prescription. I rarely take it, but I know when upcoming events will trigger my anxiety and stress, I will preemptively take one pill.

I'm not saying everyone should take pharmaceuticals but that is what worked/works for me. Make an appt with your doctor and ask his advice. Talk therapy alone wasn't doing it for me. Elderly people want to do what they want to do, not realizing it's no longer physically or mentally possible. We caregivers must adjust OUR reactions to THEIR perceived reality. Hugs to you.

Helpful Answer (11)

Report

You may have the Dr give her a urine tests because sometimes it can be a UTI Urinary Tract Infection to make them act like that.

Helpful Answer (2)

Report

What I did was to call DMV and asked them if I could bring her in and then they would ask her a couple of questions then denied her a license. My mom was 90 at the time.

Helpful Answer (4)

Report

I think she should get right up in the person's face at DMV who denied her a license that this is age discrimination, pure and simple. I have an uncle who is 92 or 93, still going strong, on a fifth marriage, and drives a car, too. He has his children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren over on Sundays for Sunday dinner. I hope I get to live to be 92 or 93, still going strong like my uncle is.

(1)

Report

being fixated on something is a sign of increasing dementia. My mom had this thing for locks to the point of mania. She would unlock everything. The only way I "fixed" this was to take her to the park every single day and I used a specialized walker and she would walk a quarter of a mile everyday--like magic she would be calm. Mom was bedridden the last 3 months of her life. She literally forgot how to stand and could not focus on that task. Keeping her moving preserved her ability to walk for years.

I'm sorry your mom lost her mobility. She lost a lot--and it makes caregiving a lot more difficult. I had to induce a bowel movement three times a week or mom would get impacted. Like clockwork -- and she did it in bed because she was unable to get up. THAT is why I kept her moving as long as I could as I walked her daily for five years. If it was raining outside I would take her to an indoor parking lot and literally counted 1,000 steps which was the equivalent to 1/4 a mile. Although it was owned by the city I really was not supposed to do that--BUT nobody said anything, and I HAD to walk my mom to keep her moving. The parking lot was under camera but I think the city understood so nobody said anything.

Mom died age 90 and 3 months. Among her host of chronic illnesses in addition to severe Alzheimer's, was insulin dependent diabetes, hypertension, rheumatoid arthritis (she has the RA factor), hyperlipidemia (due to diabetes BUT I could not give her statins due to her liver disease), chronic kidney disease and liver disease. It's pretty rare someone with insulin dependent diabetes to last that long but of all litany of her illnesses, I kept her sugar in perfect control. I knew what to do with her insulin like clockwork and mom died with perfect skin and TWO YEARS on hospice. Not once did she ever need psychotropics or narcotics. The best treatment for RA is keep them moving. and meat is the worse thing. A feeding tube kept her comfortable (that takes TONS of care--she forgot how to eat and drink and that was a struggle in itself), so she did not die of dehydration--and she died from the complications of her IDDM -- Alzheimer's did not kill her at all. TWO years on hospice.

OH GOD I miss mom. She was my life.

Helpful Answer (1)

Report

AJ, I am sorry to point out the obvious, but she may have passed into a more advanced level of dementia. She's completely unable to drive but is insisting on going to the DMV.
Although, the fact that she knows about the DMV is a complicating issue.

I agree, the issue here is your anxiety over all of this. Who is on your team, ie, do you have a therapist? They can help you problem solve for how to deal with your mom. They are objective; you are emotional. It might help a lot.

Maybe this will help?

https://www.aplaceformom.com/caregiver-resources/articles/redirect-a-loved-one-with-dementia

Helpful Answer (3)

Report

They do get fixated as stages of dementia advance. Arguing only makes it worse. Let her just talk because you know her driving will never happen. Maybe talk about favorite places she used to drive.

Your anxiety is the issue right now. I try to think of a "script" to respond with or just change the conversation.

Both my aunt and my mom have dementia so believe me I know about anxiety and stress. I do a short yoga routine every morning and a bible podcast every night. Do something that brings you peace. Pray before a visit with her.

I feel your pain but she will not change.

Wishing you peace and calm.

Helpful Answer (3)

Report

The DMV office is closed for renovations. The DMV office is closed due to Covid. The DMV office closed down and can you believe the nearest one is 40 miles away. Pick one a day.

Helpful Answer (10)

Report

Virus Schmirus

(0)

Report

Driving seems to be the last control on freedom. I agree that telling her, sure let's make an appointment to get a license will appease her for a time but that does not solve the problem. Don't take the keys away, take the car away. Period. Ask your mother this question - would you like to explain to another person how you killed their loved one with your car? Would you rather spend the last years of your life knowing that you have killed or injured another person with your car? Because that is what people will remember you for when you are gone. They will forget all of the great and wonderful things you did in your lifetime and remember only that one tragic decision you made to drive when you should have given the keys and your car to another.

Helpful Answer (2)

Report

Keep giving her reasons not to go to the DMV: COVID has DMV closed, it's not open because of staff training, it's a holiday.... Also try diverting her to another subject or activity. If she gets agitated, talk to her doctor about a very mild anti-anxiety agent.

Helpful Answer (4)

Report

DMV will do what you want them to do. Just call ahead of time and talk to them, then they will add it to her name so when you walk in and they pull up her name they know she's not going to get a license.

(2)

Report

Arguing with her wl cause her to fixate more on proving you wrong. I agree with one of the other posts. Set the appointment up for her to take the test, keep her mind on other things if she misses reset the appointment. Make sure mom has all her necessary papers together just in case she remembers. If she can't transfer from her wheelchair to a regular chair it is my guess she won't be able to get her license to drive. Maybe if she fails on her own she will realize you are right, or she may become more agitated. Best wishes, I hope for the best.

Helpful Answer (1)

Report

This has happened now and then with my mom but seems to be happening more often lately. My brother just says “no Mom that’s not happening” my response is “do you really think it would be a good idea?” She will ask why not and I will tell her that I don’t think her reaction time is good enough after the stroke and or her eyes aren’t good enough right now (she’s getting injections in them to pull fluid/inflammation off) then I say “ but if you want to I will set up that special test you need to take” she doesn’t want to drive badly enough to do that. The test I’m referring to is one they refer stroke, brain injury and other victims of major medical issues who need PT and have not been cleared to drive by their doctor or PT. It was offered by my moms speech therapist when she was rehabbing her aphasia after the stroke. Somewhere in there as much as she wants to drive and wants to believe she can become more independent again she knows that ship has sailed and she doesn’t really want proof. I try to let her decide though that she shouldn’t be driving with some gentle guidance. The other tact we took back before we got rid of her car was that if she should have an accident wether or not it’s even her fault we her children could be sued because we knew she had had a stroke, hadn’t been cleared by a doctor and allowed her to drive, that often gave her a way out because she didn’t want to cause us any trouble, hahahaha.

As someone else said driving is such a symbol of our freedom even for someone who can navigate getting around easily without the ability it’s hard to accept giving it up. For your mom it must be even more frustrating and even frightening not to be able to even get on her scooter without help but if it comes to it maybe you will need to let her know that she will need to prove she can get to the car, transfer herself and work the pedals/controls all on her own before taking the road test, maybe she can do this but maybe she knows she can’t she just hasn’t thought about all of that before being able to actually drive. Sometimes we forget there are steps that lead to the activity we know we can do…

Helpful Answer (1)

Report

My mom does the same. Thinks she can drive but no longer has the cognitive ability to do so. No safety awareness whatsoever, would be lost quickly, and can’t remember much. Big danger to herself and others.

Ignore her comments, smile a lot, and redirect/divert like crazy. Talk with the home health agency and let them know under no circumstances are they to put her in a car or allow her to leave unassisted, at least without contacting you first.

Sounds like time to consider moving her to a good assisted living facility very close to you. Check with her doctor about her diagnosis - see if they will give her a mini cog and determine her level of competency at this point.

I pray you have DPOA and GPOA. If not, see an attorney about what you can legally do to help her.

Check out www.TeepaSnow.com and the Alzheimer’s Association for great help and advice. Don’t try to take this journey on your own.you need all the support and advice you can get.

Such a difficult situation. I know…

Blessings to you

Helpful Answer (2)

Report

1 2

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

Mother wants to drive again. Thoughts?

47 Answers

Recent Questions

Popular Questions

Related Questions