My elderly Mom, with dementia , has lately began to make these little confessions, they seem minor to me, especially in the world we live in. But, due to her innocence it is something she wants to tell me and try to rectify, not realizing the person's involved have passed. Also, lately she keeps saying, "I miss my husband."
My mother has also rewritten her life's history. A woman whose idea of good parenting was terrorizing her children into submission has suddenly turned into their "mother, father, and best friend." Her 20-something husband is now her godson. I stopped challenging her when I realized that reinventing herself is the only way she can live with her conscience. She lies with such sincere expression that anyone who doesn't know her as well as I do will swear everything happened the way she's telling it. ... A legend in her own mind, lies told a hundred times have become true; and her reality.
Then out of the blue a few months back she was very agitated and you have to know mother and I have NEVER EVER spoken of this before or since nor will we. She told me she knew her cousin had abused me as a child. All water under the bridge she said.
Well it might have been to her but that was the final straw in any meaningful relationship that was ever going to be possible. I look after her now but that's all I do. I don't hate her but I really don't want to be her carer any more and if Social Services give me any more hoops to jump through or obstacles to traverse I might just walk away from it all.
All I can do is try to figure out how I can live with my own attitude from this and be responsible for my own behavior: a big enough job!!
I would encourage your mother to believe if she raises the issue of facing difficult questions, that the situation was indeed a choice, that she made the right one decisions, and then find a way to reinforce her abilities as a mother. Make her feel good about herself. She's asking or telling you because she values YOUR opinion.
So now I am the caring daughter (not without my own bag of resentment as can easily be read on this site where I vent) and from time to time my mother brings up things: including what a terrible thing I did...leaving home..!
I have decided to let her whitewash her own past and I let her yak yak. All she wants to do is try to validate herself anyway. She clearly has no interest in me, my past, my feelings, etc. It was ALWAYS about her. And now she is still making stupid, impulsive decisions, and unwilling to look herself in the moral mirror.
I've become numb and uncaring, really. It's about duty for me.
I can't challenge her, change her, or anything like that. She's just another old person trying to make sense of her life without really taking responsibility for any of her actions. I feel sorry for her but man, I've lost a great deal of respect for her.
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