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I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
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VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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If you remind a person with dementia that her mother is dead, then she gets to relive that trauma EACH time you remind her! It's pointless to draw up charts for your mother at this stage of the game; just go along with her idea that her mom is alive and well. Why destroy HER truth? With dementia, it's time to enter THEIR world and stop forcing them into OURS.
I don't think the chart will make any difference one way or another. You are looking at a disease that a chart is helpless against, as is your repeating over and over and over that her mother is not alive. You can handle it any way you like; it will make little difference to her for very long. The best way to handle it is to move on.
She has dementia. The chart isn’t going to work. She’s not going to remember that her mom is dead. The chart would likely confuse her rather than reorient her.
I don't think it'd hurt. I don't think it would solve the problem altogether, either. Your mother will still bring people vividly to mind and believe they are alive - it's more that she is back in 1975 than that she thinks they are still with us in 2019. But a chart would be one way to help reorient her in time, and if you use photos on it so much the better - it could lead to some lovely conversations :)
Making the whole thing a photo chart, with the photos in some sort of date order, could keep DH happy, have the nice conversations, and not need a repetition that the people in all the old photos are dead. A floor to ceiling strip of fabric (or wall to wall) with things stuck or pinned onto it, would be the equivalent of those growth charts for children, and look really nice.
Breaking sad news to someone who has forgotten the sad news doesn't seem kind to me, but, even if he does it, it won't matter. She'll forget it. So, if he wants to continually upset her, I can see him going over the chart and breaking the bad news daily. It doesn't seem helpful or kind, imo. Also, by this stage, reading and processing what one has read seems to also be a challenge for persons with dementia. They may literally read it out loud, but, the meaning does not process to them.
I found that keeping my LO as content as possible was always the right way to go and even if she was wrong in her memory, I went along and tried to make it a positive thing. This included no sad news.
She will not remember the chart She will not remember who has died and when you tell her again it will be like she is hearing the information for the first time, every time. If she asks about her just say that she is away and will be back later. or She went out tot he store. She may be remembering her family and or dreaming about them and with dementia reality and dreams get blurred. Just don't let it stress you, if your mom gets upset by seeing any of the people that she is seeing (if she sees them) Just tell her to tell them to go away. If they don't upset her you can ask about them You may get some new family history. YOur mom just wants to be reassured that she is safe, she was safe when she was little when her mom was looking after her, that is what she still wants.
Often dementia patients can't even follow simple tv show plots. The chart makes sense to us, but it will be like 50 First Dates where the women has to relearn she had a terrible accident every morning. For a long time my MIL (now 84 with memory issues) kept asking where her spouse was. We'd gently tell her he passed and when and she'd get sad and disoriented. Now she doesn't mention it any more even though there's a nice big photo of them together at her bedside. I'm not sure there's a right answer here, more about what you want to accomplish and how much time and effort you wish to invest. Blessings to you!
Sadly, you cannot reorient a person with dementia. The brain is dying and with it memories. Telling them someone is dead makes them feel like it is the first time they have heard it with all of the pain that comes with it. But after awhile even telling them they are gone is more than they can comprehend. My daughters 41st birthday was yesterday. She died 8 years ago. I remember and the pain is there. My hubby can't remember and doesn't have to feel the heart wrenching pain of every anniversary or birthday or the loss of her in our lives. Maybe a "positive" of dementia.????
My aunt is in the very, very early stages of dementia. She knows who's alive and who's dead, but she can't always remember how we're all related to one another. She asked for a chart, I made it, and it helped her at the time. I definitedly would NOT do it if her dementia were more advanced.
My son's MIL had more advanced dementia; she thought my son, her daughter, the grandkids, other drop-ins were dearly loved old friends and relatives long dead. It gave her great pleasure when they "visited" her. No one would have dreamed of correcting her.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Best of luck!
I found that keeping my LO as content as possible was always the right way to go and even if she was wrong in her memory, I went along and tried to make it a positive thing. This included no sad news.
She will not remember who has died and when you tell her again it will be like she is hearing the information for the first time, every time.
If she asks about her just say that she is away and will be back later. or She went out tot he store.
She may be remembering her family and or dreaming about them and with dementia reality and dreams get blurred.
Just don't let it stress you, if your mom gets upset by seeing any of the people that she is seeing (if she sees them) Just tell her to tell them to go away. If they don't upset her you can ask about them You may get some new family history. YOur mom just wants to be reassured that she is safe, she was safe when she was little when her mom was looking after her, that is what she still wants.
My son's MIL had more advanced dementia; she thought my son, her daughter, the grandkids, other drop-ins were dearly loved old friends and relatives long dead. It gave her great pleasure when they "visited" her. No one would have dreamed of correcting her.
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