My mother is Non English speaking. I have been helping her since I was a child, paperwork, and as an adult even more (medical, organizing services, basically everything apart from housework). She is a known verbal abuser. I'll keep the history brief; she's known for major lies, never apologizing and poor boundaries. She has alienated others, friends, family, over time.
She's 80. She spent many years alienating my kids from me. The full extent of this has only recently been revealed.
My plan was to become qualified as an accountant and run my own business. I was a past IT person working long hours for a company. The plan was that this would allow me to attend to mom's medical and other appointments, and set my own schedule for work - more flexible. I had read books about still doing the right things for difficult parents, because it's good modeling for your own kids and other reasons. I was also trained, from childhood, to "attend" to her needs.
I have my own home, but it was a while away from mom, and I had to complete an accountancy placement where I met with clients via Skype during covid, and sometimes in-person. So, I stayed with mom at her house for this, because the in-person part was very close to mom's house. I also made regular trips to mom, but because she's 1.5 hrs away, I would often stay for a few nights. She will NEVER come to you, and on the rare occasions she did, all she did was find something to criticize.
During my work related stay, she kept opening my door despite briefing her that I was at work from 9 to 5. I eventually got in trouble by my manager for this. Additionally, she would never let me sleep; she would make noise between 10pm to 1am, including after she came home from the poker machines (gambling).
One night, after having worked a 14 hour day, she yet again woke me up at midnight, and I had been asleep for 3 hours and woke up in sleep drunkenness mode and yelled at her for 10 seconds. I went back to bed and completely forgot about the incident.
A few days later, I was arrested by police for trying to kill her. She told them this. Luckily another party was present and confirmed I had not done this. BUT, I complained to police about having been arrested, and they took a vendetta against me and then gave me 3 bogus charges which were all Struck Out by the court eventually.
Mum also had me kicked out of her home a few days after the police arrested me. I then spent one year in the courts, administrative hearings, and when the actual proper hearing eventuated, again, the judge said this should not have come to court. I failed all my subjects and now have to re-do my course from the start, and I lost $50, 000 (I did get my legal fees paid back, but I also had a job and I lost my job and had to live off my savings for over one year now). I then suffered many health issues, all documented.
I admitted I had yelled to police straight away. I explained the constant disruption my mother was causing me, esp to sleep, as it's a survival need. I know the yelling was poor behaviour, but even mom said to police that it was a "one off". No physical altercation occurred, to be clear.
One year and three months have passed, and today I got a postal letter from mom "demanding" I go back to her and provide her help. Apparently she can't cope and has no-one left. I am the only person whom ever helped her (I'm an only child). No apology, nothing (I saw her police statement and it was 80% lies, nothing about money but other lies such as "she never helps me" despite having list after list here of the help I've given her for a lifetime). Had another person not been present, as a testimony, I could be in jail for trying to kill her.
Her letter demands I go back there and help her - that was it, basically nothing else.
I am not going back.
Has anyone else suffered this level of issues ? And do you have any opinions.
I'll add -- Move, change your phone number, and disappear entirely. You don't even want her to be able to call the cops again and give them your whereabouts.
Stay away, live your own life free and clear of such terrible drama, and silently wish your mother well with her life. Do not respond to 'demand letters' to return to care for her. It would be a very risky proposition for you to do so. Remember what you said, "Had another person not been present, as a testimony, I could be in jail for trying to kill her."
For that reason ALONE, you cannot deal with your mother anymore.
Wishing you the best of luck sticking to your guns about caring for YOURSELF now!
Don't help her
You have no obligation to accept her abuse. She can figure it out or fail, that is what her choices have left for her.
As far as demanding help, HA, not gonna happen. I always tell people that use that crap on me, 1 year old to 100 doesn't make a difference. I can't hear you when you use that tone. Either ask politely or I can't hear you. Your mom, as mine does, thinks she has the right to be ugly, nope!
You got this, keep your boundaries and don't buy into her ugliness or pleading. She has shown you that she would happily destroy you, believe her and remember, she CAN NOT BE TRUSTED, EVER!
She can demand all she wants but you don't need to respond. Pick up your life and move forward. She had shown who she is and you can't live with that. Never live with that.
Thanks so much, yes RETURN TO SENDER, will be the plan for any other letters xxx
Short answer: Seems wise.
Long answer:
Stepping in again to help.. if you want to be rational about it - what would a risk analysis show for the following *Adverse Events*?
- Verbal abuse?
Frequency: High.
Effect: Medium-High? (damage to relationship + increase stress)
- Financial risks?
Frequency: past once, but future unknown ?Med
Effect: Severe
- Legal risks?
Frequency: past once, future unknown ?Med
Effects: Catestrophic
Risks of NOT stepping in to help?
Frequency & Effect of stepping out will depend on your thinking. Possible thoughts/feelings of guilt or regret... or maybe not. Maybe acceptance you did what you could. Acceptance it is time for Mother to find other solutions now.
Thanks so much !! xx