What do you do when your Mother won't listen?

How's this one for you, Winnie? My 84 year old mother has significant COPD but does not yet "qualify" medically to use home oxygen. Her standard pocket-type asthma inhaler wasn't working sufficiently for her any longer & she was using it "willie-nillie" whenever she felt like it & completely ignoring the dose frequency printed on the prescription & the box the inhaler comes in. Her doc switched her to Advair.....she complained bitterly about the $300/mo price tag & when her last bone density scan came back at FOUR TIMES the bone mineral loss than normal, the doc was fine with taking her off of it fearing the inhaled steroid was contributing to her osteoporosis issues. He placed her on Dulera....why, I don't know, because if she was refusing to refill a $300/mo Advair Rx, she ADAMANTLY refused to fill the $1000/mo Dulera script. Next, we moved on to Spiriva, which actually worked very well for her but, again, she refused to refill the second month of medication because it was $385/mo. She doesn't have a prescription insurance card or Medicare Part D so her medicines come out-of-pocket. I convinced her doc to switch her to a nebulizer medication, just like they use in the hospitals for acute shortness of breath/asthma attacks. Although it was the same medication that she had been getting (and not doing well on) in her pocket inhaler, I thought the fact that it was given just like the hospitals that the medication might work better & longer for her. Plus, I knew that she would be delighted that the medication cost only $4/mo through Walmart! I discussed with her the cost & the fact that the treatments take 10-15 minutes to complete. She stated that the cost was to her liking and she "didn't have any problem" with the length of treatment.

Yeah, well, that's where the fairy tale ends. She refuses to sit & do a complete 10 minute nebulizer treatment cycle. She won't take more than a minute or two of the treatment & then refuses to "go back later" & finish the treatment. She's prescribed to get 4 treatments per day but won't consent to do more than 2. She always has a myriad number of excuses *why* she won't do more than 2 minutes of the treatment....it takes too long....I can't hear my TV over that thing....I had to stop so I could go pee....When you gave it to me, you didn't tell me I had to take the WHOLE thing (which, of course, I did).....I stopped so I could let the cat out.....I stopped so I could let the cat in.......That's more medicine than I should have. If I finish it all, it'll be an overdose.....blah, blah, blah.

So, what do you think happens? Yep, she gets short of breath......and then it's MY fault & every 2 minutes I hear about how terribly short of breath she is & how horrible she feels. I try to point out that she would feel better if she completed a full treatment but, of course, I'm completely WRONG about that. So I try to point out that the Spiriva worked very well for her but that she refused to allow refills because of the cost. What?! I never said that! And she spends 10 min dressing me down for "putting words in her mouth" & "lying". I tell her, fine, I'll go to the pharmacy tomorrow then & refill your Spiriva Rx for you. But, no. That won't do. She has 6,000 excuses why she won't renew the Spiriva.....including that it costs too much!! When I throw it back at her that I just told her that she refuses to fill the Rx because of the cost & she denied it, she gets even angrier & tells me, "You don't know what you're talking about! I don't know where you get this stuff that you say!"

And here I sit today having NO idea what I'm going to do in regards to her breathing meds. She gets short of breath on the cheaper ones & complains about that. I get her one that works better but is expensive & she complains about that. Nothing I do makes her happy, she's as demanding as hell, won't lift a finger.....even calls me from 2 rooms away TO CHANGE HER TV CHANNEL on the remote that's sitting next to her & has NO gratitude whatsoever for the life I've given up to care for her. I hate to say this because it sounds horrible, but I've gotten to the point that I regret ever bringing my mother to live with me.....especially now that I have no legal recourse to get her OUT because she's "too competent" & can refuse a facility.

Sorry, about the rant. Just am a 24/7, lone caregiver and, if not for Facebook, this forum or the "social interaction" I get running her to appointments, I have no one to commiserate with.

I could have written your post. If it's important I put my foot down and force her - today I forced her to the doctor and to have a housekeeper come in. If not I say something a few times let it go ( and go have a drink myself). I'm frustrated right now because my mother won't do something a simple as using a purse she can use cross body so she has free use of her hands for a cane! Watched her weave over the yard tonight from everything being loaded on one side of her body. How hard headed is that?

OzarkOlly, I feel for you. The dementia your mother is saddled with is something we dealt with as my dad declined in his own home. There is nothing you can do, in explaining things to your mom, that will work. There is no gratitude from her because she doesn't see the whole picture, only the last three minutes of so of her distress...She denies ever hearing advice or making decisions against her own best interests because she doesn't remember anything in the past. So save your breath and sanity, and take the very wise advice we were given: Go along with her, distract her with other things. Don't tell her the cost of things, if you can help it. My dad would sit and go through his checkbook every day asking about this check and that. We would explain a few (every day the same ones!) very reasonably and then try to change the subject. Family stories and questions...ice cream...etc. I hope you can get her a part D next year, if she is still with us! If she does get to the point where she needs a trip to the hospital for breathing treatments, talk to the social worker there about placement for "rehab," and then just don't take her home again. You must say you are not capable of providing her care because she doesn't respond to you at all. She truly needs to be in a care facility that will no-nonsense manage her drugs for her. They won't discharge her home if she is not able to care for herself. You can then be the dutiful loving daughter who visits and brings smiles, not the one who can't do anything right at home.

We finally had to trick our dad into a memory care facility for his own good. He was wandering in the night looking for my deceased mother, ringing doorbells at 3 AM, etc, calling the police. We told him he needed rehab for his back and legs, and to get regular meals (because he found reasons not to eat at home, even though my brother and I visited three times a day for food and meds) and then he would be home again....a lie. Neither my brother nor I would ask him to live with us because he wouldn't abide by any of our requests to shower or wear Depends. That may sound terrible, but he would have killed us if we had to be with him 24 hours a day.

Get your mom to her doctor, sending a letter for him/her to read before the appointment with all the details he or she needs to know. It's hard to get a doctor to diagnose dementia, I know, but there are medications that might calm her down and make less disagreeable, IF she will pay for them! ;-) You should not give up your health and life to keep your mother at home with you if it is not working. Our dad died in November, and we are only now getting our own lives back as we deal with his stuff and the sale of his home. He would have been horrified to know how badly he treated us when he was not himself at the end. Good luck to you. Take care of YOU.

And this advice goes to edsuska, too!

We need more information to give you good answers. Won't listen about what? How does that make more work for you? Do you live with her? What are her medical conditions and what do you do for her? Give us more details and you'll get some good answers I'm sure.

Erika, my gosh you have your hands full according to your profile. Sorry to read that your Mom has a heart condition/stroke at such a young age of 72. What are her limitations?

There will be times that you will need to put yourself in your Mother's shoes to understand the frustrations she is going through at her young age. She should have been out enjoying her retirement. If your Mom had a stroke, did she have rehab of any type? Did it help?

Does she actually hear your request and understand them? Or is she experiencing memory issues due to her stroke?