Mother’s appearance. Any thoughts?

If she has been doing this for 18 years I doubt seriously if you will get her to change but...
Have you taken photos of her from the back? If so does she realize it is her? (Often with dementia there can be a failure to recognize "self" in a photo or mirror.)
But if you take the picture and she does recognize that it is her it might help.

I have a friend that has her hair cut, I call it the "medium bowl" cut. I and others have tried to tell her that it is not flattering and she should try something else but we have been trying for about 6 years now and she may have gone to a "small bowl" cut then back to the "medium bowl" so...I am not wasting time on it it's her head, her hair..... (I am sure she could pick apart my hair "style" if she wished but doesn't and for that I am thankful)

Edit! Responded to Grandma1954 in correct field.

Sunny, I would see what she is using to brush her hair with and take her to Sally's Beauty supply and get her the best hair brush for her do. I would also try to get her to use a leave in conditioner, infusium 23 is a good one for tangles or even no more tears sold for youngsters.

I highly recommend a stiff boar bristle brush and a detangler wide tooth comb. I have really long, fine hair, tangles easy and these work great. The boar bristle also moves oil from the scalp to the hair, helps if you don't wash every day.

Have you asked her to let you play with her hair? My niece was tasked with getting her 4 siblings out the door for school at 9 years old, she didn't have time to do her own hair and when I picked her up I had to cut her hair it was so matted. Your mom's hair could be beyond brushing and need a good cut.

I am very sorry that people are saying unkind things about her. She doesn't deserve that disrespect. It shows how low our society has become. I would be tempted to say that she was and they better apologize quickly or she would cast a spell on them. Grrrr!

I had this exact problem with my mom (except I didn't realize it was dementia). She went to a local (very depressed) hair stylist who gave her an awful bowl cut every time.

What worked is that she had to have an EEG in the hospital; they needed to wash her hair afterwards and although mom said "no" to a haircut (I knew she was simply being cheap, ahem, frugal) I said yes, go ahead.

The lady did a fabulous job and mom was amazed at how good she looked.

Can you try some trickery?

Oh, I think grandma has a great idea! Take some photos of mom and let her see them!! She may not realize how bad her hair looks............oftentimes we need to see ourselves in PHOTOS to realize how we REALLY look, you know? I know that's true for me. I think I look pretty darn good till I see myself in a picture and think OMG I need to lose 10 lbs at LEAST I look enormous!

Try it.........see what happens!! I think she may be shocked at how wild her hair looks and then be open to a new do!

My mom always had perfect hair, makeup and clothing. She now rarely wears any of her nice clothes, and occasionally buys new things that she will never wear. She can afford it so I'm not worried as it makes her happy. She has lost the ability to properly apply makeup, and she no longer gets her hair done twice weekly. She does still go for color and cut, but not as frequently as in the past. The clothes she wears for everyday are stained and worn.

Her younger self would be mortified by her appearance. There are so many other battles that I let this one go. It just isn't worth it.

I don't know why this happens. I hope somebody will. We have a client at the moment - hair is almost the least of her worries, but it's very similar - she has allowed it to form into a kind of helmet of matted rats' nest. And wonders why it itches.

The trouble is, hair is such a personal and emotionally intimate thing. I'm really not sure about showing her photos - you might cut her to the heart.

If she won't talk to you about *why* she doesn't want to see the hairdresser these days (hair loss (or fear of hair loss)? discomfort? apathy? money saving obsession? fear of looking in mirrors?) you might just have to let it go. Save your concern for glaring at people who are so bad-mannered as to stare and/or make uncalled-for personal remarks.

“She would be mortified….” But now she isn’t.

If this is the worst thing you’re dealing with now, be grateful.

People who make vicious comments will ultimately either learn to be kinder, or will look like the people they mock.

I speak from the experience of being the bookish “ugly duckling” daughter of one of 5 amazingly beautiful sisters, and the caregiver of the only survivor, age 93. She was so attractive and I AM so dowdy that when I took her to her new residence in Memory Care, several people there thought I WAS THE NEW RESIDENT, and that SHE was my caregiver.

She has now survived Covid twice, and although she still has exquisite skin and silky hair, she is no longer the “fashion plate”.

So, NO ATTACKS FROM ME. I grieve with you for who she was. It’s just not enough to upset her for, or to be upset yourself.

“Friends” who would insult her ARE NOT FRIENDS. Those who stare in public are not worthy of your concern.

Maybe if you appealed to her vanity, and told her that she would look younger if she combed or wore her hair a certain way?

Since she has firm opinions on her "style," you'll have a tough time getting her to change. Yes, people may make unflattering comments, but it appears she doesn't care. The comments of others are not a reflection of your care of your mother. My suggestion is to just let this one go.

Hi Sunny, I guess if I was in situation, I would be speak directlyto her friends, if I knew them, stating you know your comments about Mum aren't kind, she has dementia. I tend to be protective...if they know what is going on with your Mum and dementia, then they should be more compassionate and caring instead of judging. I would expect kindness over comments... If it is a situation in a store, I heard someone say oh wow she looks like a witch, I can ignore or approach them ask to speak them tell them I heard the comment state it was unkind and rude fyi she has dementia and its harder than hell for her and me, or simply state My Mum has dementia and your not kind, allowing them the opportunity to feel rotten...which they are...
No one has the right to judge another person...that is simply rude
I think this is a pick your battles issues, and is it important in the grand scheme of things...if your Mum is wearing clean clothes, bathing properly, brushing her teeth, etc, is wearing an out of date hairstyle a big deal, if she thinks she looks and is happy then let it be......if its a matter of personal care, think Teepa Snow had a video on youtube on how to get people to do things like brush hair I could be wrong...If it really bothers you then maybe suggest a spa day with you, full pamper treatment on you you could say " hey Mum you know it would be really fun to get our hair done, we deserve to be pampered don't you think, we could get dressed up go to the salon, get our hair washed, oh remember how great the head massage feels, then we can our hair cut, styled, fingers painted (whatever) then we could go out to lunch, how about it? Sure it sounds like speaking to a 5 year old but its the technique I saw Teepa use...will it work on your Mum don't know but worth a try... I would suggest maybe having an appointment booked with the understanding that it would be okay to cancel at the last minute, if your stylist knows she has dementia she should understand.
I keep in mind Teepa Snow's statement regarding how a person with the dementia is the same person but different...it's true, they are the same person for the most part but things have changed......as caregivers we are their advocates, and sometimes their protectors... ..My Dad struggles to shave properly so he may have 2 days growth on his chin or cheek, he may wear the same outfit 3 days but showered, he doesn't see the mess his pants are in or his shirt with the rip in the sleeve partly due to the fact that since Mum died 1 year and 8 months ago he doesn't give a damn , and he has poor eyesight to boot. I am battling brain changes from a brain injury from a fall plus dementia, a changed personality ( completely different from the old Dad I knew (anger) so I pick my battles, which looks worse pants or shirt, using Teepa's techniques I have managed to convince him that he should change his pants without too much upset.. This man is not the same man I grew up with but he is my father, he worked his butt off for his family, he is difficult, has anger issues, has driven away most of my remaining family, but he deserves help, respect for all he has done for me, kindness and compassion as he struggles with brain changes because he knows there is something happening to his brain but doesn't want to lose the little independence and pride he has so refuses assessment. ..so yes it can be a little embarrassing to take him out with a rip in his shirt or pants that are not looking great, especially in a small town where everyone gossips and knows everyone... but at the same time, I know that it will get worse ( wandering, not knowing who I am, losing ability to walk talk move, eat, drink eventually lying there in a bed waiting to die as the body forgets how to live) . So I look at from the perspective is he dressed for the weather and pick my battles because it could be worse and will get worse...

Maybe many factors behind this behaviour - or a passing idea that disappears to be replaced by a new 'style' shortly.

A few older ladies have told me they cannot reach to brush the back of their hair due to bad shoulders or arthritis.

I have heard peripheral vision can decline with dementia (or strokes) so it could be that only the the front would be visable?

I have heard also that leaning back & running water can become very scary, so that lovely treat of getting your hair washed becomes a sensory problem.

Whatever the reason/s, if you want Mom's hair better styled I think finding a kind, patient hairdresser may be key. Then trickery to get her there. Many assisted living places have their own hairdressers VERY used to the quirks of dementia.

What about 'accidentally' spilling a bottle of conditioner onto the back of her hair then help to fix it (by combing it through)?

My advice, conveyed indirectly: When my mother was in early to early-middle stage dementia and still an independent resident at her facility, she began to look and dress like a stereotypical "bag lady." My husband and I took turns escorting her to the market, to her clinic appointments, etc., and yes, it was somewhat embarrassing for me at first, but my husband always took it in stride and I learned from him to do the same. There may have been a few stares by the public, but my guess is that most people understood what was going on. I'm glad we didn't try to micromanage her choices in this regard. It goes without saying that as dementia progresses, there is more and more that is difficult to accept, so perhaps now would be a good time to start practicing acceptance. My mother is currently late-stage, and I actually look back with fondness and humor on her "bag lady" phase -- which is what my mother would do if she were able.

I think you should let mom do what she wants and ignore the comments.

If you can hear the comments, so can mom.

What I would do is take a lot of pictures of the two of you and then show her and maybe she can see for herself what others are seeing.

But really, right now in this messed up world, with so much more to be worried about, be thankful that mom is alive and healthy and happiness is more important than looks and Jerks making comments.

You might see if both of ya'll can go get a new hair do together or both get the same hair do, maybe she would go for that? Worth a try.

You are not wrong to feel this way, my mother was a hairdresser and later a VP of a bank, after seeing one of her friends go through the dementia process she told me that if she ever got that way to please not put her in a place people would know her or let her be out in public around people that knew her "as she used to be" (we lived in a very small town). She too is very prideful and said she would be too embarrassed and would never want to be seen that way and for people to have those thoughts as their last memories of her. So I get why this is important to you.

Could it be that your mom doesn't know how her hair looks in the back? Show it to her. It might change her mind. See if her hairdresser will ask her why she won't comb the back or allow it to be styled properly. It's understandable why she might not want to wear wigs again. They can be hot and uncomfortable. You could also tell her the comments people make in public about how she looks like a witch and other things. Sure, she'll probably get angry and upset at you, but you'll be doing her a favor and she's your mom.
Back years ago when my father was still living, he had a girlfriend that sounds kind of like your mom. He was in his 60's and she was ten years older. Nice woman, fun, very lively. The only problem was she looked ridiculous but didn't know it. Some elderly women who were attractive when they were young think they still look 30 years old if they can fit into a small size and wear heavy enough make-up. My father's girlfriend was such a woman. So over the top she looked like an elderly drag-queen about to go on stage. My father was mortified because she too got the public attention. He had a talk with her. He had one with the daughter who lived at the house with them too and told her to try helping her mother a bit. His girlfriend did tone it down a little.
Sometimes a person just needs to be told because they don't realize that they look ridiculous. A friend would tell a friend. Think of your mom as a friend.
I had a client who was at the time 77 years old. She had mild dementia, not bad. They hired me just to take her out a few times a week because she hadn't been out in a while. I was honest and told her that I wouldn't be seen with her in public if she refused to wear appropriate clothes and shoes. That she uses a rollator walker and can't wear high-heeled shoes because she won't be able to balance. She got very angry with me, but I told her the truth. That she looked like an old fool out with her senior baby-sitter. Then I told her that I know she's not having any of that nonsense. She let me help her dress and do make-up and I worked for her for six years.
You're gonna have to just bite the bullet and tell your mother what she looks like and what people say in public when they see her. It's for her own good.

It never ceases to amaze me much value our society places on how we look, how much we're worth, who we know, etc.
Whatever happened to manners & common decency?
Who cares whether her hair & makeup are perfect? What about her - her feelings and her happiness? Is she happy? Is she content? Does she even notice how people look at her?
People will always stare, it's natural. Ignore them. Sooner or later they themselves may find themselves stared at for one reason or another.
As one person already posted, practice acceptance. This too shall pass!

My mom most of her life blow dried and curled her hair every day. When she couldn't do it any longer herself, I helped her, and then her caregivers helped sometimes. But we had to do it her way. Exactly. By memory care time, she started to refuse help, so I got her some beautiful hair ties and wraps for her hair. She enjoyed the new look with each, having color up in her hair and having it out of her face. I think she also enjoys the touching involved with someone helping her. You could maybe try showing her photos of other people with ponytails and pretty hair ties to see if she'd like to wear them, since she once enjoyed wigs. And I suspect she doesn't remember how to fix her hair, so someone can help her with it.

My mom was still functioning fairly well with dementia, but in the months before she died there were noticeable changes. She’d always worn smart-looking, attractive outfits and then lost all fashion sense, mixing plaids with stripes and wearing the same outfit each day. She knew she was losing her memory and was actually grateful for my suggestions of “you look so pretty when you wear “this” with “that”....they’d be nice to wear to the store today”. I’d moved in with a cousin who lived near my parents so I could visit them everyday and allow both a feeling of independence. I made up an excuse to bring over and do my laundry at my parents’, gently offering to throw my mother’s washable black slacks (she’d started to wear them everyday without cleaning) or anything else needing washed with my clothes. She literally had to remove the slacks so I could wash them and I would offer a different pair for her to wear. Thankfully, too, she enjoyed getting her hair done weekly at a salon she’d gone to for years.

I get what you are saying. It’s not wrong to want your mother to appear well kept and clean. I would want that too. I want it for myself should I get dementia! But shame on those making comments about an old woman with dementia!

My mother has advanced dementia now but when she was in moderate stages she was unable to perceive her situation as it really was. She would wear items designed for a teenaged girl. Even now she doesn’t “see” that her legs are swollen up like big water balloons and she refuses to wear her compression stockings and insists on trying to wear jeans over her edema. She doesn’t understand that she can’t drive or return to normal. She insists on wearing a light pink frosted lipstick (like the 60’s) that looks ridiculous. She has her hair dyed dark brown at the nursing home salon and it looks like death warmed over on her. She steals things from the nurses station at the nursing home. She thinks all the men “want” her. There is no changing her mind or reasoning with her at all. It’s the disease. She has so little control in her life so my attitude is if she wants dark brown hair and pink lipstick and wants a sparkly tank top so be it. As long as your mom is safe and cared for sometimes that’s the best we can do. But, you can keep trying! Be make sure to tell her friends to back off!

This is both sad and sickening - dementia - and she refuses to "see" what others see. I think there is a very simple solution but I doubt you will listen to it. People like this will NEVER SEE WHAT OTHERS SEE - It is hopeless. You can "attempt" to make her dress differently and be very, very firm with her - but I doubt you will get anything in turn but more problems. My advice is - DO NOT BE THE ONE WHO TAKES HER OUT IN PUBLIC. People don't realize what is wrong and they won't give you an opportunity to explain. Just do NOT take her out in public - either she gives in or she stays home - or finds someone else. Don't YOU be the fool any longer for her. I'd be so embarrassed and ashamed to be seen with this - no way.

Would your mom go with you to the salon if you told her “let’s go have a girl’s day out””. Maybe the stylist could keep her so occupied she wouldn’t notice you were not really getting yours done.

These solutions often lead to more work for the caregivers. Good luck.

Lots of suggestions...just try one at a time so neither you nor your mom get overwhelmed.
There are visual processing changes in dementia that alter how the person perceives the physical world...and their responses to what they 'see' as 'real.'
Accounts for forgetting the back side of her head/hair, shower refusals, 'picking' at self or clothing, etc.
My mom was 'forgetting' the back of her head in terms of brushing her hair long before there were any other signs that she wasn't dressing and grooming herself daily. The perm prevented mats, and she did go to the salon every 2 weeks.
Now it is once a week as she only lets the stylist touch her hair.

Quite understandably, women are really interested in this question, lots of very quick answers. Many if not most women are very very good at picking up many cues from appearance, so the ‘just ignore it’ comments are quite hard to swallow. I’ve seen so many young mothers roll their eyes at the ‘tutu over jeans’ look at the door of the child care centre, followed by ‘she chose what to wear herself’, but you can’t do that with mother.

A couple more suggestions, the first along the lines of ‘remove all the normal underwear and replace with Depends’. Clean out the make-up, bit by bit, and replace it with ‘new fashion’ in less dramatic colors. Lip salve is a good start. And take the ‘valuable’ over-the-top costume jewellery ‘to the bank for safekeeping’.

The second suggestion, for the hair, would be to make a video on your phone, looking at the room in a circle all the way around, with mother sitting in the middle with her back to the light. That way she gets to see the back of her hair ‘by accident’, rather than to prove how awful it looks.

And of remember that worse things happen at sea!

Sunnydayze: Imho, you may not be able to change her habit of wearing her hair in this "style" since she has early dementia as once in a habit, it may difficult break the pattern. However, your idea of buying her a wig may be a good one. It's quite possible that she is only looking in the mirror to see herself with the combed front of her head. Ergo, she will never be able to see the back of her head and she would have to turn her head to get the side view. Perhaps you can take a video shot of her entire head.

You wrote:
"Her vanity still seems important to her and she thinks she looks great. It's all very strange. To get a clear view into this situation, one would have to actually "see" her. I'm thinking it's cognition related, because it's so weird."

Perceptions and memories play some tricks on the minds of those with dementia. Early on my mother insisted her "cousin" picked her up and brought her to the baby shower (I was taking her back home.) When I said that "cousin" was my daughter, YOUR granddaughter, she clammed up. I didn't realize she had dementia at that time (or hadn't learned enough yet!)

In that case, it was just old memories. Clearly if this woman was her cousin, she wouldn't look 20-something when you are about 90! I do wish there were pictures of this cousin, so I could see if she really resembled her.

Anyway, sometime after the move to MC, my daughter wanted a picture of the 3 of us together. Staff member took it for us. Showing it to mom, she asked who those two "girls" were, with me standing right there! Then she pointed to her own image, and asked if that was Nana, meaning her mother. Clearly she was remembering her mother, but didn't recognize her own self! In her mind, she was not that old, she had some other "image" of herself in her head. At some point, based on topics and comments, I could tell she was living life about 40+ years ago. She still knew me, because I would have been an adult then - younger certainly, but I visited enough (and maybe still look "young" enough to her) that somehow the "images" meshed.

My mother was also one to "dress up", so proud of her name-brand bargains from Marshall's and TJ's. Always dolled up with matching shirt, shoes, bag, etc. She also would get her hair "done." Later it was just cut, so it was off her neck and not in her face. Clothes, shows, bags, etc sitting in closets, porta-closets, bags, boxes, totes, dresser, she would wear the same run of the mill items, sometimes multiple days in a row, sometimes with food stains. Somehow the image they see isn't what the brain sees. She'd refuse to consider going through the "nice" items to get rid of what doesn't fit ("I keep my things nice" was the response. Sure, but what good is it if it doesn't fit? I was waved off. Some items came here after the move to MC and brought with it these little white moths and I'm still trying to get rid of! So much for nice...)

Anyway, if she's content, so be it. Her self-image is not what you or we see. If possible, certainly give brushing the back for her a try, if she'll let you. Perhaps make it a game, like playing house, or say you need to practice on hers so you can do a child's.

As for the rude people, give them the stink eye! If need be, just use that old saying "there but for the grace of God go I." So many people today want to make America great again, but don't espouse all the GOOD values and decency of that once upon a time "Great America." Now it's just me me me me and trash others without a care.

Disgusted, I do think it’s a little more complicated than the way you have put it. As women, we are so used to ‘judging’ other people by what they wear, and knowing that we are also being ‘judged’ by what we wear ourselves. We are also being ‘judged’ by the way our companions come across, too, and we know it. There’s a lot written about this!

The badge that says ‘Thank you for your patience with dementia’ doesn’t really cut the mustard when the problem is ‘clown’ makeup.

I’d say a compromise is a good idea – tone down what mother can choose from, as well as toughening up for other reactions. But it is, or can be, a genuine stresser for a caregiver. OP has my sympathy!

Long before dementia, my mom used to say, "Don't you ever let me leave the house looking like that!" Unfortunately, when the day came and I tried to stop her (from looking like that), she just got angry with me. She has gone through many stages. At one time, she was the lady with all the jewelry. She is now in MC and I actually did take her to lunch with 2 different shoes. I did look for matching shoes, to no avail. In that case, I just decided on a more casual atmosphere. On occasion, I will get her to change clothes by acting like we are playing dress-up. The comments and stares will get easier. Put her tiara on(so to speak) and enjoy your mom while you can.

I think people making negative comments are being very thoughtless, rude and unkind - best to be ignored. If she is happy with the way it is then that is what matters, maybe the hair dresser could shape it (just tidy a few split ends mum) so that it looked neater, or show her the back and ask if she would like that tidying - then cut it. But her not getting stressed is the most important thing, it doesn't matter that she would be upset if she knew what people were saying because she doesn't and she is happy with a simple approach.
Regarding a grey wig - why not go for one in a more stylised design and simply tell her you thought she might like to be able to ring the changes, as she has always enjoyed being smart and dressing up she would be able to make a choice between her simple straight and the wig depending on what she felt like - she shouldn't feel upset about being given something so she can ring the changes, you aren't insisting she wears it every day. You could even get not only grey but a pale brown, or blonde so she had a choice.

As long as her hair is clean & neat. A short haircut at this stage the best & most convenient. Hugs 🤗