Mother's Day Gift?

My Mom is almost 90 years old, is suffering from the end-stages of dementia, and is completely dependent on others for her total care. For almost 4 years, she has lived in a facility, but recently entered a nursing home where she is in the care of hospice.  

I do not know if I will have the gift of celebrating another Mother's Day with my Mom. But today, we had the best Mother's Day together I can ever remember!

Dad and I went to the Nursing home to celebrate with Mom just after lunch.  I had a cup of coffee cooling for her to drink with her peach crumble dessert. As soon as she said "I'm full", I brought out the Mother's Day cards, gift bag and camera to record the event.

First, she intently studied her cards as I read them to her, provided a much appreciated "Awww!" and pulled my face to hers for a kiss on the cheek. Priceless. These are the moments I live for. 

But the grand finale was the opening of the gift bag. It took quite a bit of instruction, assistance and encouragement for her to pull out the tissue paper to discover what was inside. But once she finally managed to pull the little packet out of the bag and saw the contents, there were no words to describe the pure, childlike joy that she expressed. Her eyes sparkled like a toddler when they first glimpse what Santa left on Christmas morning.  

I'd shopped for her Mother's Day present at Build-a-Bear Workshop. My Mom loved kitties, and someone had provided a Build-a-Bear kitty for her a few months ago. This kitty, named Buttons, is her constant companion.

So, back to the present.....Pajamas and a night robe for her kitty. That was what was in the bag. That was all. But to Mom, it was everything.....the best gift ever! She turned to me excitedly and asked "when is your birthday?!"  

Dementia plays such tricks on the mind....and to her, seeing a gift, and me, and cards....it must be my birthday. But isn't this just her mothering instinct kicking in? She would have done this for me...given me clothes for my doll, and cards with sentimental words inside about how much I meant to her. The tide has turned, and now I have the opportunity to see her experience the pure, simple joy of receiving something that would mean something special to her.  

I reminded her that it was Mother's Day, and the present was hers. That didn't faze Mom, or depress her excitement at all. Dad and I assisted Mom with dressing Buttons, her kitty. The PJ's looked adorable! Mom was able to help thread the arm of the robe onto the Buttons, and Dad loosely tied the robe's belt to keep it secure.  
Mom kissed, talked, hugged, laughed, admired her kitty's new clothes, and finally fell asleep in her wheelchair, gently cuddling Buttons like a newborn baby (she did look fabulous in her new pajamas with matching robe!). Mom had the most contented smile on her face, and Buttons had a few stains on hers from the loving kisses she'd received.  
 
When Dad and I arrived back home, I wanted to call everyone I knew to tell her about Mom and her kitty's new Build-a-Bear clothes. But I did not want to risk anyone thinking it was silly or stupid. "Why didn't you take her flowers?" "Why not a big box of chocolates?" It is a struggle to discover something that will reach through the darkness of dementia and touch your loved one in a meaningful way. Flowers are beautiful, but they will soon wither and be tossed in the trashcan. Chocolates will taste good, but are empty calories for one who needs nutrition to heal from countless skin tears, and will further damage teeth that are barely able to chew soft food. But a smartly dressed kitty will provide endless days and nights of loving companionship.  

I chose clothes for Buttons as a gift for Mom because Buttons, her favorite stuffed kitty, is ALWAYS by her side. Buttons comforts her when she becomes agitated. Buttons is always there when I am not able to hold her bony, arthritic hands. Mom always took care me....and now Mom has Buttons to care for!

A bit late for Mother's Day, but for future gift ideas: I gave my mother a 'dementia clock' which is a large digital display of the day of the week, the time, morning/afternoon, and date. Very large (not obtrusive) and clear - can be seen from far away. I told her it was called a 'retirement' clock for when everyday is a Saturday. She loves it and when she asks 'what day is it?' she'll say, 'oh, let me look at my clock!'

give your mom all the love you can give,she will remember that forever,alan

Great ideas here!

I got my mom roses and arranged them in a nice vase and gave them to her last evening when she was here having dinner. Today I'm making dinner again but I'm giving it a special twist for her by making her favorite food which is fried shrimp. I got them at the sea food store fresh off the boat and cleaned them yesterday. She was thrilled and can't wait for dinner later.

Thank you for all of your answers and ideas. I made my mom a Mother’s Day gift: When I was in grade school I loved to make silly little books and give them to my mom and she loved them and saved them. For Mother’s Day this year I made her a book inspired by a fill in the blank book I saw online and it is about the reasons why I love her. It reads like a cute simple story / gift book that she can enjoy alone or I could read with her. I put it together on pretty craft paper and washi tape I already had. I know she will love it and it came from my heart. Thank you again for all of your input. All of your help is making it easier to accept her condition and to celebrate her in a way that makes us both happy on Mother’s Day. I know she may not “get it” when she opens it and that’s ok because I know we can enjoy it together on a quieter day. Thank you again!!!

All good suggestions, dealing with the same thing... Best thing to give her is your time... She won't remember, but you will... I also do mom's laundry, I pick up a few tops or a sweater here and there. I want to make sure she looks nice.

The ladies that are at skilled nursing where I go love flowers, magazines with lots of photos - pretty dresses, or dogs, cats, birds. If your mom can still read (you'd be surprised!) there are books especially for those with dementia with lots of pictures and the type is a bit larger - not too many words, but not juvenile, either. I actually went to a conservation seminar and one of the tables was giving away lovely illustrated books about trees, and how useful they are, with lots of kids animals and birds - I even enjoyed reading it! Does your mom have any dietary restrictions? If not, get her a small favorite food item. Does she have a favorite color? A blouse or sweater or even soft socks in her favorite pink or purple - even with designs on them - might be perfect (and usable!). Do you know her favorite songs? There are multipage cards or stuffed animals where you can record your voice saying you love her and/or a favorite song that plays when you open the card or squeeze the stuffed animal.

Treat it as another day, just like all Holidays

I have this issue as well. These are all very good ideas, thanks! If your mom is able to get out how about a manicure? I like the idea of the blanket with pictures.

Best gift ever was a rosebush she could see from the window of her room in AL. She would often look at it and it brightened her day as well as leaving something for other to enjoy. Glisse1121

give her love and kindness,the best thing any body could give, thinking of you alan

Give her whatever you think she will like but "stay in your lane". You're the GIVER: you can't dictate how she is to RECEIVE it.

Flowers!

Walmart can make a blanket with her loved ones' photo on it. My daughter did that a few years ago for her grandmother.

You can always give a cd of what her favorite music used to be..also making a photo album of past memories is great too

Flowers. She'll get great pleasure from them, even if she can't remember who gave them to her or on what occasion.

Mom got sun catchers for her last Mother’s Day. She loved the bright colors. And her beefcake fireman calendar. THAT was her favorite!

From Shutterfly, get the blanket that you can create a collage of old pictures of the previous family’s events. My late mom loved her blanket. https://is.gd/0YHtNn

Well, for Mom, it was flowers, and arranging for her to go to the hair dresser at the Assisted Living. And clothes , more because the home's laudry wore out all her stuff. But a new top in her favorite color, would at least get used, and she would pluck at the blouse's hem, as she looked at the colors.

Now for Dad it was always candy. He had the worst sweet tooth his entire life. It was the one an only thing that never changed. I took him coffee and a donut every time I saw him, but chocolate would really get his attention. ,,,He also got a major kick out of one of those card that plays music when you open it. I think he must have driving the nurses at the home out of their minds, showing it to them.

We usually got flowers or a small box of chocolates, along with cards (which she loved). The floral arrangement she liked the best was a cute puppy, all made out of flowers, in a basket. As her dementia got worse, she also loved small stuffed animals. Prior to that, books of all kinds were our "go to" gifts. We found out that small, temporary type gifts (candy, flowers) were best in her case as the "good" stuff could go missing.

Take a picture of the two of you together, or one from the past, and frame it and put by her bed.
You might even make up a little story about the picture, based on a memory from the past.
For instance "once upon a time, Mary (insert your mom's name) took Emily(insert your name) to--------Fill in the blanks.
It could become a "bedtime story" ritual you do together each night.
Since past memory is the easiest for those with memory issues to recall, an old event would work well.
You're a sweet daughter to want to celebrate her Mother's Day.
As Maya Angelou once said, "We may not remember what a person did, but we remember the way they made us feel".
Sending a hug to your tender heart.

Our mother doesn't use things any more. She's in a very nice AL where they do everything for her. Get things that visually stimulate your mother.
Examples could be a large colorful flower arrangement in a nice wicker basket with a handle wraped with & pretty ribbon & bow. (we get my mother fake ones. They look very real & will last a long time). Get one real fragrant flower like a rose, carnation, with the stem attached, etc. She can smell this if she can put it to her nose.
Pictures of her with your family in a non glass & light mulitple picture frame to hang on wall close to her or set on a table. Pictures should be large enough for her to make out the images.
Get a large book, not too thick & be light in weight, that has nothing but full page photos of beautiful landscape images from around the USA, everything thing from mountains, forrests to sea side.
We try to get our mother things that she would possibly recognize in some way. She loves pretty embroidered end table cloths, flowers, etc. She loves little puppies & couch pillows. My wife made her a pillow with images of different puppies. She has it on her bed all the time. She often carries it with her on her rolator, showing it to people.
Our mother loves two large light plactic edged framed pictures on her wall of the front of an Italian country cottage & other picture of an Italian rural country cozy street side cafe.
There's so much any more that mother doesn't remember but there's many times bits of memory seem flash her. Short term memory is not very prominent. Long term is even worse now. But she knows & loves us.
We will probably get her the large basket of flowers this year plus goodies. She loves chocolate, peanut butter, vanilla sugar wafer cookies.
So, we try to do and get her things that stimulate what memory we know she possibly has. At least that we know she likes.
Important note...face to face intimate interaction with our mother has always been key in our relationship. We point out all the nice things she has. What a great pretty place she lives. Anything we can do to relate to and share. As she has progressed, we can see how things change in what she likes, dislikes or doesn't care. About a year or so ago we had to find things in her room because she was hiding them. She didn't anyone to steal them. These were things she liked the most. Today she doesn't hide things, but she will keep them close to her on her bed, etc.
Blessings

Does she like colorful picture books? I like the idea of socks too. I give my MIL those warm socks with the rubber non-slip pads on the bottom. How about a nightgown? I also like the idea of the dementia clock or anything that will help out. I got my mom a tray to attach to her walker years ago.

My Mom is 91, and in dementia care in advanced stage. The CVS in town has a sock rack that carries themed socks for the different holidays and seasons. I keep her clothes etc. all year as she needs and anything else that comes up. Anyway, I picked up several pairs at Halloween, with pumpkins, black cats etc. and they were such a big with her that I've continued as the holidays roll around. She loves the colors and pictures and helps her a little identifying what time of the year it is. Kind of like a walking calender. One other thing I found was small stuffed cats. She always adored her cats over the years and terribly misses them and their love and company. I've given her few small stuffed ones that she adores. In her altered reality this was a perfect solution. Hope this helps you. We are all on a journey with no road map and not enough Kleenex. Best wishes to all of you. Happy Mothers Day to those of us who are now the ' mothers ' to our moms.

My mom is almost 90 and still lives at home. She doesn’t want stuff and is allergic to flowers. I live over 1000 miles away from her so... The last few years I have had things done at her home to help her. I had a toilet replaced. The garage door opener fixed. Painted her bathroom when I visited, etc. I was the driving force at getting her some in home assistance a few hours a week. She has someone come in for four hours once a week to do light cleaning, cooking, shopping, she gets her hair washed and her toenails done. She also gets some companionship out of it and it gives. My sister a break.

My Mom has been in MC for 4 years now. One of the things I've given her that she really likes is a clock that's basically made for dementia patients. It gives the day of the week, date and time. Just google clocks for dementia patients and it'll pull quite a few.

We never did much more than give a gift or flowers for this Hallmark sort of holiday. I kind of keep my eyes open...this year I picked up a really beautiful vase with some tall pink tulips (silk) that I found in a TJMaxx when I wasn't looking for anything in particular. It looks like they are in water and I may be asking for trouble...but we'll see. We're also about to finally try getting some in home help, and I am cautiously optimistic about the aide getting her to shower. But in hopes of that we got her a beautiful new pink terry bathrobe to at least put on after showering to help her be covered up and drying.

I get my mother a pretty bouquet of flowers. I try to do this though out the year and also include a special treat on holidays that she doesn't get often. Even though she doesn't remember they are from me I know she enjoys them. Each time she looks at them it is like the first time seeing them and always remarks OHH! such pretty flowers, where did they come from?

Good thing...Bad thing. She will not know Mothers day from any other day, But truthfully shouldn't EVERY day be Mother's day, Father's day, Grandparent's day, Children's day...and so on.
My Mom died when I was pretty young and every day I wish she were here, my Dad died a few years after she did and again every day I wish they could both see me/know me as an adult. So to have 1 "special" day is nice but to treat them the way you would on their 'special" day every day is more of an honor.
Spend time with Mom, spend time with Dad and enjoy the moments you have while you have them.
Bring Mom a smile, hold hands, give her a hug, a kiss and a thank you.
Even if she was not the greatest Mom YOU have learned something from her. You either learned to be like her or how to try to avoid the pitfalls. YOU learned to be loving and caring or you learned how not to be mean, spiteful, needy and vindictive. Take these lessons and pass them on.

I have the same situation with my mother who also suffers from Dementia/Alzheimers. I struggle with knowing what to do on holidays, birthdays etc. But I go ahead and still celebrate with her as if she is still her old self. I find that bringing her a little something still brings her a smile (even though she doesn't understand what it is for) somehow it makes her happy and brings a smile to her face even if it is just temporary. It makes me feel like I still have a connection to her and can celebrate her special day. Even if it is just a small bouquet of flowers she will look over at it and smile and say "what pretty flowers". So if I can bring her some joy and happiness even if it's only in spurts it makes my heart happy for her.