I have succeeded thus far (yes, proud of myself) in holding fast to holidays & how/where I am going to spend them moving forward. Mom is NPD/BP etc. I have been spending the day before actual holidays with her. Back with my grown kids on actual holiday days. Have told my Mom I need the peace on the actual days and want to stay off the roads. Don't want to spend the days driving. I am going to do this re: Mother's Day as well. See her day before. Instead of a Mom who would say, "Great, looking forward to our time, I more than understand" (haha) she will not be happy (but is she ever)... I don't like feeling cruel, but I know this is right move for me. (I can barely breathe these days in her presence weekly.) I hate feeling like I can't be at peace with this. Last week she asked me where I will be on Thanksgiving. WTH. I told her we do holidays as they come, as we did last year, but that my focus is on the day in front of me. (ambiguous but truth)... I tell her many grown kids & g-kids don't see their parents on actual holidays, but around. Some of my friends see theirs twice a year if they live across the country. I see her every week. When will she ever allow me freedom... or does this just have to continue to have to come from me to me? Can you relate? She will continue to badger & I just dance around & hold firm & change subject.
She doesn't allow you freedom, you just take it. You have been doing the day before for ages. Don't keep making excuses. "This is the way its always been Mom" You are entitled to spend the holidays the way you want. Your profile says Dementia is involved. Eventually she won't know what day it is. Remember, your also a mother and maybe your kids would like to spend the day with you.
Stop feeling guilty for something you have no control over. I am with you, I do not drive further than my own town for holidays. Actually, my daughter lives 4 doors down and she does the holidays.
That's what my mom told my oldest sister when she was apologetic for not making the 2 1/2 hour drive a number of years ago to come and visit mom.
You're also entitled to enjoy the holiday. Visit mom the day before, and then enjoy YOUR holiday with no guilt.
You can’t possibly come up with a better resolution than you already have.
Now make peace with yourself and enjoy EVERY HOLIDAY MOVING FORWARD.