My Dad is 75, still physically active, but getting forgetful and complains of dizziness. He is lucid most of the time but has a drinking problem My mother died last year. Dad is living alone in the woods, 7 miles from the nearest small town. He only gets $880/mo SS, and refuses to apply for food stamps or other assistance. The only asset is the residence he's living in, and it's going downhill from lack of maintenance. I live 2500 miles away, and have a busy career/family life. Yet, we want to do the right thing, and can spare money to provide a trailer or other separate living quarters at our house. A complicating factor is that he has 2 dogs he won't part with, and my husband is adamant that he would allow only 1 more dog in addition to our own dog.
The other option is to get him a smaller place in town in the area he currently is in--but there is no money to do that until we sell his present house. And we can't sell that property unless he's out of there. There is no way he would qualify for AL through Medicaid--he's definitely still legally competent and not disabled. Just a stubborn cuss who still wants to live independently, but is lonely and declining. And broke. He can never make it through the month on SS, and is always trying to hit me up for an extra 100 or 200 to get him food or pay utility bills. Thoughts or advice?
Moving an elderly person, especially such a long way, is very traumatic for the person. Just moving him into town as you described would be traumatic enough.
However, if you do decide that there isn't any alternative and move him near you know that you will be responsible for him for the rest of his life. His issues and problems will become your issues and problems. At 2,500 miles there's a buffer. If your dad moves closer to you there will be no more buffer. If you are ready to take this on is your dad ready to move all that way? Getting him ready to move all that way and getting him and his dogs all that way will be extremely stressful.
If he refuses find him a smaller place in town, get him set up there and then sell his house. You will need to make numerous trips back and forth to get all of this done so make sure it's what he wants before you start packing him up.
Try to find a workable solution before you move him closer to you. I know you want to do the right thing by your dad, you are a good daughter, but you have to consider your life and your family's life too.
We moved my low-income mother in with us. Her disability was some slight forgetfulness and impaired vision from a stroke. We last 28 months. Indoubt and Eyerishlass are right on the money - you will be completely responsible for him the rest of his life. It will take over your life.
We moved Mom just two hours away from where she'd lived for 40 years, a place full of family and a few friends. (Once Dad died a lot of friends disappeared.) Even being two hours away made it difficult to get people to see her. All of her social interaction was through me or with me. She let me do everything for her. And I did everything unthinkingly, convinced if I didn't do it she wouldn't. Guess what. She's been in an independent living place now and is doing a lot of the things she wouldn't do when she lived with us.
Look for financial assistance in whatever community is nearest to your father now and research everything before you move him in with you.
I am inclined to move him into separate living quarters with me, but set boundaries and give this arrangement a preliminary go short term. If we need to move him into his own place around here, at least he would be near me, closer to my brother and we will have hopefully sold the property back in the East to have a cushion of funds. He was a very good Dad to me when I was growing up, caring and attentive. Since he still enjoys being active in things like gardening and biking, and is engaged with the world in terms of reading newspapers and magazines, I think it's imperative to get him out of the isolating circumstances he's in. I have looked in that area for affordable housing, and just don't see any in the rural, small towns within a hour or so of where he currently is.
This community is great for resources and support!
I personally don't think you will get dad out of his present home willingly till he's carried out.
I know you want what is best for him and feel gratitude for him being a good father to you but you can not make another person's life perfect just because it is the right thing to do.
Please don't do anything unless Dad wants you to.
Would he let you help him fix up the house. You say he is hitting you up for money. Stop it right now you are an enabler. He can't just stop drinking. He is lonely because he misses your mother and probably always will. he loves his dogs and they are his family too. If he's short of money help him apply for help and if he won't so be it. Visit and go with him to do the application, it's not easy at any age.
I am still capable of thumping on counters and sticking up for myself but maybe he needs a hand. It is always good to have an ally when dealing with authority who may not be very friendly. He's got his own place, likes his garden but would be miserable in a trailer under the eyes of you and hubby. Please don't rob him of his independance.
I agree with Veronica. Do research for him, put him in touch with his local agencies, help with communication, but don't do it yourself. There's a very fine line between helping and interfering, and you'll get no thanks and a world of trouble if you indulge in the latter.
Help him find low income housing where he lives now. He may need paperwork that helps him to qualify and possibly be on a waiting list. Once you find that, put him on the list and get his home listed and sell it as a fixer upper. Yes, it won't sell for as much but then again, you aren't the ones who didn't maintain it. You need to take a step back and act as an objective person who is not the one who created his current living situation. Local agencies can be VERY helpful. Do not …repeat let him move in even though he was a great dad. You're life as you know it will be over. And your brother will go merrily along as though nothing ever happened. Funny how it's always the daughters who feel so guilty but the sons usually (not always) don't. Take a cue from him.
Honestly, were it my dad, I'd call DSS to see what, if any services he'd qualify for as far as an aide went, or I'd hire a care taker, a handy man for repairs, slip him as much money as he needed to get by on when he needed it, let him keep his his house, his dogs and his booze, and know that I did the best thing for him and his personality. My dad would have withered and died any other way and I know it.
If you move him closer to you, trying to change him or 'cure' him of his bad habits, and setting a bunch of 'rules' will be a disaster. It's too late for things like that.
Go with your gut.
Last year, while my Dad was reeling from my mother's sudden death last March after 54 yrs of marriage, he spent 3 months with us, and it worked out fine. I was able to get him hearing aids and dentures, which he has needed for many years. I think that kind of attention is what he lacks in his current isolated living situation.
He is getting interested in finding another lady companion, and I keep assuring him that the odds are in his favor in his age group. Again, he would have a lot more opportunities for socializing here, where we are in town with a senior center, etc. I have no interest in controlling his life, and would like nothing more than getting him back on his feet, stabilized, and off to another place of his own when finances will permit (if that's what he wants).
Tell you what, if we make the move with him this spring, I'll report back to the community how the experience has gone. Again, thanks to all for their input.