Do you think that it's fair for my sister to tell me that I need to move to a different city to take care of our Father and leave my husband?

First in the heading, you said she told you to move, then in the body of your letter she thinks you should move. If she told you to move, that is from left field. If she thinks you should move, are you a mind reader? Dad needs more care than one person can provide. When he goes to the hospital again, she needs to tell them she can no longer care for him and they need to assist with nursing home placement. Expecting you to move across the country is a bit much, but I can see where she is overloaded.

Robin's right; there's an inconsistency in what your sister is suggesting you do.

Also, you wrote that your "sister live 11/2 from him". Could you explain this? I'm not sure if it means miles or is a time distance.

In addition, I'm confused by this statement:

"Where I live there nothing for him medical because i live near a military base that were i go for medical." Are you or your husband in the military? Are there no nonmilitary medical facilities at all in the area? What about AL or SNF facilities?

And 400 miles just isn't that far. Depending on the roads, it could be an 8 hour +/- trip, so it's doable.

Beyond the disagreement between the two of you, there is the issue of care for your father. I think instead of focusing on who's done what or hasn't done this or that, the important issue is that you and your siblings find a solution so that your father is well cared form now, when he needs you.

Perhaps each of you may have to sacrifice a bit; you wrote that you and your husband travel a lot; perhaps you could travel to your father's area to help with his care and give your sister a break. That seems reasonable to me.

It's time to be creative in helping your father.

Stop being selfish and travel out to see him at least once a month with your husband. i don't think you really heard what she was trying to tell you in the beginning. She was trying to tell you she needed your help too! Your in this together so even though it interferes with your life as it is deal with it.One day you will be in the same situation and it can come back and bite you in the a**!You are in denial as you are not seeing him and the care he needs. he cared for you growing up now it's your turn to care for him!

You and your sister are still having childhood issues. She has told you that she needs help, that she no longer feels like taking care of Dad alone or even with an aide while she works. She is feeling jealousy over the fact that you have the freedom to travel with your husband and she has neither - freedom or a husband. Tattling to your father is also a childish thing to do, really. Of course, he would tell you not to leave your husband, I'd be surprised if he said anything else! However, that also tells me that he isn't suffering from dementia, or at least not too far gone. So the care is mostly physical, rather than mental. Your sister needs a break, though and she is asking for your help. People who are stretched too thin tend to become abusive. NOT saying she will, but it could happen. You have it in your power to help her out. Now you need to find it in your heart.

Good luck and God bless.

my husband actually suggested that I move to my dad's and stay with him even though, yes, not knowing how long, and he would come see me; I'm the one who just never could bring myself to do it but....if he had not been able to get anyone to actually come stay with him - like he eventually got a grandson to do - I might have - now, having said that, he did talk about selling his house and moving to assisted living, so is your dad still able to do that and would he? sounds like, except it sounds like he's already given up his house and is living with your sister, so even if you were to move would you be moving in with your sister? Are your kids still at home? Did you go while your dad was in the hospital? Before dad got his grandson to stay with him he wound up, not exactly in the hospital, though I don't know why; based on the same thing happening with his cousin, he did, but he did have to go for several weeks and I went and stayed with him and my husband came up and saw me, then even after grandson started staying with him when he was in the hospital I went and stayed. How long was your dad in there? I stayed the whole time - for 2 weeks - and longer than that the other time, by myself - there have been times when we've gone together to see him but usually not in one of those situations since he wouldn't have been able to stay probably longer than that himself though guess could have, was thinking wouldn't have vehicle but dad still had his car but it had gotten in not very good shape so thinking that was part of it, at least that way I would have our vehicle, not that I left very much, at least when he was in the hospital and actually took his the other time. So one thing, not knowing your husband, but you shouldn't lose him over this - although, having said that, even though he would come see me, he did have his times where he felt I was staying too long and putting dad too first, so can understand that too, so might be good he went with you but still going even for a week, if that's not the whole time, still doesn't give you that real feel for the situation that your sister has, like after dad was in the hospital, but not getting the idea your dad is again, yet you say he's just gotten sick again; is he not needing to be back in the hospital or is he and I'm just not getting that? are you sure he's really come out of it before or just came home; he's probably been worse each time and you just haven't realize it. I know dad was. Maybe your brother should, if he doesn't think you should. Maybe you wouldn't have to move - like said, I never did - but maybe you could go more often - how often do you now? how did your sister come to be the one to be his legal guardian and how did he come to have to have one anyway if he's not needing mental help? And I understand you didn't call her when you were there but just how long was that compared to how long she's been having to deal with it? I know when dad got to that point grandson was calling me, too; it was time to get him some more help or at that point I was probably where you are, getting time to seriously consider doing something - just something to think about

my sister live 1 1/2 from my father and hardly went to see him in the last 6 months i have gone to see my dad 5 or more with my husband . my sister doesn't go that often. when my dad fell the person that use to take care of him told us both and i went with my husband right away and spend a week with him.every time there been something wrong with him i go down and she is doesn't. the last time my dad was at the hospital for 3 day and rehap for two weeks . my husband and i went to see him right away and stay for a week. she went one saturday because the social worker needed to talk to her and sign paper and then she left the the next day.that was the first time i had seen her in a year because every time i go to see dad she said she was busy. i know for a fact that she hardly went to see him because on one of my visit he told me he wish that she would come more often and she only live 1 1/2 hr away from him. i live 400 miles away and i go more often with my husband so we see my dad and he can see his mom since they both leave near each other. i been back home least then a month and she want me to leave. she told other family member that i should move and take care of our father. he wanted her to be the guardian because she lives closer to him. my husband was in the military and we moved a lot and i still made time to come and see my parent when mom was still alive.he only been with here for a month i told her that it would be too much for us to take care of dad by our self.since our brother live in a different state and he has financial problem. when i said that we travel a lot i meant to say we take one big vacation for a week and than we go see our parents and maybe a few weeks later we take a 2 or 3 day near by. i went home for a month when our mother was dying i took my kids with me and my husband went to say his goodbyes and came home and we stay.at that time my dad was in a little better health so i took care of our mom and dad(diabetic) and my two younger children plus cook, clean and wash clothes with out no help from anyone. saw her one and later at the funeral. when i went to take care my mom i was 120 pound came back at 100 pound. i didn't leave the house for a whole month lucky that my dad still drove and did the grocery so i would send my son with him to help. my husband was the first one to say to me go and help your mom. at the time i went to help with my mom my husband just retire from the military and we had just move to our house and the kids were at school. so i waited two day for the kids to finish and left the whole house full of boxes and left and when i return with my husband and kids from mom funeral i was so tired, lucky that i have a wonderful husband and he had put all of the stuff away.were i live is called the high desert so when i say i go to a military base for my care no i'am not in the military. I'am a dependent.my father has kaiser and we don't have one near by the closest one his 2 hours away and he won't be able to make the trip.when i took him out when i go to his house just for a half hour in the car he get tire just imagine 2 hour drive to the hospital. i never told my dad of what was going on but he ask me about it because he had heard it from a friend that my sister had told. so my dad ask and i said it was the truth. she told me when dad fell last year( thank god he was fine) that i should move with dad and my husband just need to suck it up. so she moved him with her and we need to put his house for sell and in dad trust he put that she need to do it. so i decided to help her and call different agent to see what the house is worth and she told me she doesn't want to deal with it.so i told her that the house can't stay empty because we need the money to get dad more care since he is fix income. so i talk to my brother about so he can talk to her and he didn't have any luck either. every time we talk the first thing she ask is what am i doing and that she need to go to beauty shop to do her hair nail etc. i never told her that when i was taking care of mom that stuff was the last thing on my mind at that moment. i can't bring my dad to live with us because my husband travel sometime for his government job and our kids live in different state. so i won't have any help at all. all of my sister family live near her. Her grown children and there spouses. i don't have any family near me only my husband.he will be retiring in 6 year and we are going to move closer to one of our kids .every time dad has a accident in the diaper i get the call or if accident in the bed she needs to call me and tell. i've clean my dad so many time when i went home and got it on me by accident and never call anyone. so i just clean it up and continue on.

On one off the post the said that i was in denial about seeing him and the care he needs. the one that is in denial is my sister.i know the care he needs.a month ago when he way taken to the hospital because he had a mild stroke that why he can't walk. i asked my sister if she was going down to see him and she said she couldn't so i told the lady that was taking care of him that my husband and i would try to get there has soon has we can and we did.she was no show until a week later when he was in rehap for 2 days and she live closer to him than me. we were the for 1 week. the phisycal therapist asked the lady that took care of him about his house if it has stairs, tubs. she told him yes to both so he said he couldn't return to his own house.when i got there the lady that care for him told me what the asked, i told my sister and the first thing she said was the social worker said he can go back to his own home. so i told her when is a social worker a physical therapist. So when i found out what happen to him and that he didn't walk i knew he couldn't go home. So i say who is denial about my father care. I do visit my dad so i am not in denial about his care.she gone a whole year without visiting him and she only live 1 1/2 hour away so tell know who is in denial. i had never had childhood issues with her because we are twins and we always got along great until know she think she can make fell guilty about this. i told her that it not going to happen me moving because i would never asked her to do that. someone post said stop being selfish and go see him because someday i will be in the same situation and it can come back and bite me in the A**!. i say to this it won't be my A**! it would be hers. since i always been there for him when he need me. we had the lady that took care of dad for probably 3 years and she told me she only seen my sister 3 time since she has been with dad. so i asked who is selfish me because i visit and when i'am not there i call him 3 times a day everyday to make sure he is ok or is the selfish the one that doesn't visit and only call every 2 days and take a week off from work and not go visit or tell him she off and she live closer. so know she need to make it up to him for being selfish because i did what i need to do for know. i never said that i would never help her but he been living with her for less than a month . come on give me a break i just got home from being at his old home before she move him with her. i need to do stuff at home and do my medical appoinments. i need a break when mom and she wasn't there. the new person that take care of him cooks for him and bath so my sister just needs to give him is med at night and take care of him on the weekends. my dad take a lot of naps because he is so tire (91 year old) and he said he is ready to die. he has a lot of health issues. he is a walking pharmacy.beside taking care of dad she babysit her 3 grand kids that why she is tire not because of dad since he is always sleeping.

i meant to say that she take a week off from work and not tell him that she off.

It has been my experience that there is always one member of the family that does more of the care taking. In my family I have had power of attorney over my aunt(she had no childred and was a widow). Then, my brother and I took care of my mother until she died. Now my brother has alzheimer's and vascular dementia. He lives with me. I also have legal guardianship of my two teenaged grandchildren, who also live with me. I am very stressed! My sister who lives in another state advises me to put my brother in a home. I will not do this unless he get violent. My sister says that I should put myself first. I realize that if I don't care for him he will have to go into a home. It would be nice if family members could get together and each take turns relieving the principal caretaker. However, generally this doesn't happen. Good luck to you, if this gets too much for you seek counseling, it helps to just have someone to talk to.

You are both being unfair. You want the other to do what you are unwilling to do your self. The only solution is to place dad in a facility, but that means both of you have to work together to explain to him, why you need to do so. Whoever has the closest relationship with him should step up and place him near them.

I'm not sure I understand what the big problem is if she even has somebody taking care of him with him being in her home

littlecuban your sister has guardianship so she is the one responsible for his care. ad does not live with her so he must have full time care at home.
asking you to leave your husband and move to take care of dd is a recipe for disaster. Whether you work or not has nothing to do with this.
Your father is currently being cared for in his own home and presumably is able to pay for this. if your sister is paying for some of it it would be fair for you to contribute. Many people arrange their homes so the loved one no longer needs to go upstairs. You said he had a minor stroke. A stroke is not minor if it leaves him unable to walk and incontinent. the choice her is 24 hour care at home or in a facility. from a practical point of view of his care he needs it and either place can provide it.
now I am reading into this that sister is thinking about money which towards the end of a patients life many children do. If you left your husband to care for Dad it would be far cheaper than hiring 24 hour care or a facility. You could do it for nothing (you have nothing else to do) thus preserving the money for inheritance. i may be being totally unfair here but my first response in a family dispute is ""Follow the money"

If neither one of you want to care for your father...because it is a FULL TIME job...SELL his house and put him in a residence. One good thing about this site...is that you can write out all your thoughts and anger, and unload some of the frustration...get good feedback...and hopefully make some very difficult choices and MOVE on! Good luck.

I don't usually nitpick like this but for heaven's sake, LC - 1 and a half what? 1.5 hours? 1.5 miles? 1.5 light years? Use units!

But to answer your question, it is perfectly fair for your sister to express the view that you should do more to help with your father. It is equally fair for you to tell her to get stuffed, if that is how you feel about it. But feeling hard done by because someone is "making you feel guilty" - when what they've actually done is express an opinion that you're uncomfortable with, rightly or not - is daft. Stop resenting your sister for asking and instead offer what help you think is reasonable.

Littlecuban, if you are fortunate enough to not have to work, would your dad be willing to come live with you? It seems to me that would be most fair (if he is willing) since your sister HAS to work to pay her bills. I am single and must work to pay my bills; my sister, on the other hand, has a husband who pays all of her bills... Yet, she refuses to help me with my parents and I am stuck working long hours at my job and then caring for them at night. I resent them for making me do this because they are too stubborn to move to a facility where they can be cared for 24/7, and I HATE my selfish sister who has a husband who takes care of all her needs but will not step up to take any of the burden of caring for my parents off of me. I think you need to stop and consider how hard your sister's life is. However, obviously, you are free to keep living your life just as you please. Lucky you.

Suella, I was agreeing with everything you said... and then this came: "he cared for you growing up now it's your turn to care for him!" I SO wish you and other people like you would stop assuming that everyone's parent(s) cared for them as they should have while they were children/teenagers. My growing up pretty much sucked, and I resent that it is now "my turn". If I am to care for my father the way he cared for me then I should be making his life suck now, too, huh? I won't do that. I will care for him properly. But I will resent every minute of it. Please stop assuming everyone's childhood was as nice as yours apparently was.

It's not selfish not to take on the care of two parents...eventually when they are older, have dementia, or are bedridden...which could be years...YOU WILL HAVE NO LIFE, NO ENERGY, AND IF YOU'RE LUCKY...THEY WILL NOT OUTLIVE YOU!!! If your parents have the money to move to a nice facility, don't feel guilty!

veronica, I thought sister had moved dad into her home

yes my sister has someone to take care of him like ten hours during the day until
she get home. my father pays for that.i am not refusing to help with him if she need me.but her idea is for me to move back to his home and take care of him until he dies.BUT THAT IS NOT HAPPENING............. my father can't come to live with me because he is so weak to travel 400 miles. i was just at his house a month ago with him before she took him to her house. like i said she lived 11/2 hours away from dad and didn't go see him that much. she always had a excuse like i need to do my nail, hair etc.the last time i saw her was thanksgiving 2014 and she hadn't been to his house until thanksgiving 2015 and she only live 11/2 hour away. we tried to go once a month or the longest would be 3 month if something came up a we couldn't make it. we drove 400 miles to see him and my husband mom too since they were near each other. before when dad live at his own home and something happen to him she would call me and you should move with dad and when we drove 400 mile to see what happen to him she was a know show. when things got better she wouldn't call me for a few months until something happens again.Dad old care person that he had for 3 years told me she only saw her 3 times and she is the one that live closer to him. my sister is not paying for my dad care giver he is.i took care of mom without her help until she die. I told her that i would help her with selling the house and she said she didn't have the time to deal with it. she is the one in the trust appointed to sell it. we told her that this would be a lot to take on for her and me because dad is a big men( 200) pound and we are small.but she told us that this was the plan and that she was taking him home with her. i think know she is seeing that it too much. our father sleep all day because he is tire and he say he is ready to die.i know how hard it is to take care of him.i know if my dad was here with me she would never come to help because she would say it to far for her to come because a 11/2 hour was to far for her to go once or twice a month to see him at his house. but we drove 400 miles to see him at least once a month. i am not thinking about my dad money i don't need it. with mom i l left for a month because that who long she had to live.so i took care of mom, dad, and my two kids by my self and the cooking cleaning and house work with out help. my father doesn't want me to leave my husband so i can take care him. he told me i did my job already with mom and he was greatful for it.i know how hard my sister live is that why told her this was going to be a lot of work plus she volunteer to take care of her grand kids too. when mom die i had a hard time because i never seen someone die in front of me she die at home with me that was too much for me to handle.

Instead of going back and forth and finding fault with each other...why don't you tell her that you cannot leave your family to take care of your father. NO ONE would do that. Your father has a home...he can be well taken care of in a nice facility! Our parents don't need us 24/7 at the end of their lives...they just need to be kept clean, well fed, and comfortable. Visiting them is really all you need to do. You need to stop feeling guilty, tell her what you are going to do...and if she want to care for her father it's up to her. I think you should move on. Take care....

My GOD!! No one has a right to demand you abandon your own spouse for an indefinite length of time. I'm sorry, but I am honestly horrified that someone would consider breaking up a married couple an appropriate thing to do.

Do things that make sense, like going out there as often as you can - as you have - and giving sis regular respite, or helping find an assisted living, or even paying for extra respite. But 10 hours a day is more than a lot of people have. Is she worried Dad's funding won't hold up for that help as long as he will need it? Maybe you can help with some other thing like researching Medicaid rules in the state they are in.

Hang on a sec...the sister works full time and there are 10 hours of care going in ...and what about the other 14? who is doing those? I don't think your sister would have the capacity to do a full time job drive 1.5 hours to Dad do some care come home take care of her own house then start over again the next day. She is telling you she can't or doesn't want to do it and she is right to voice that.

Now what you have to do is say I am unwilling to do that too so we need to consider care for Dad. It's not rocket science for heavens sake and I will scream it till I am blue in the face some people were not born to care neither are they willing to give up their lives to care AND THAT IS ALL RIGHT.

The critical issue is getting the right care for your father. So stop squabbling and start making plans for his safe future because right now all this must be making him feel 10 times worse than he needs to feel. Failure to meet his needs is abuse so think about that and make sure he is taken care of - ACT IN HIS BEST INTEREST. that doesn't necessarily mean do what he wants but you have to consider his needs

Jude, sister has now moved him to her house; she's no longer 1-1/2 hours away

Eeek thats even worse so she goes to work which for an 8 hour day is probably 10 hours when you include travel and NOW has to care on top? Anyone who cares and works especially if they work full time in a job will be in burn out in a very short space of time. I tried it but having come home to paramedics being in the house I saw that Mum just couldn't be left. The cost of having a sitter meant that I spent pretty much all I earned on care so it just wasn't feasible. let me see now. I will do a 40 hour week and STILL do at least 40 hours on top and I will give all the money I earned to pay for a sitter ....Oh I think not.

You have to get this sorted .......rather that being critical be constructive

she's not paying for it; he is

He's paying for 10 hours a day. She has the other 14

Hi owns a home...why don't they sell it and use the money to care for their father 24/7 in her home? You can hire night help.

point is; he's paying for the 10 hrs., not her, so she's not working just to pay for his care - but, life, I think selling his home to pay for his care if where the issue is; somewhere up above it says the sister who has him in her home has guardianship over him, so presumably she could that but from something else seems I read seems she's wanting to save the home for inheritance rather than using it now - not an uncommon situation, is it?

hi debdaugher...yeh, don't we all wish that. sounds like they don't have a choice? at least they have that option...which many people don't! thanks..

true, at least he has a house, but doesn't mean she has to sell it but also doesn't mean other sis - frustrated one - has to go, either; guess we'll see - or not - what ends up happening - I really, in many ways, wish my dad had gone ahead and sold his - because if she doesn't sell it now, wonder what will happen when he's gone