I am a 57 year old women who has been the primary caregiver to my mother, who is 82 COPD on oxygen 24/7. I have decided to to move in to be able to assist her more. I am aware of the transition that it will be tough, she is ready for help. I bought a 30 ' trailer to put on her property to allow for some space. I am nervous and scared all at the same time. I have decided to sell all my belongings and settle that the house is her space , she has agreed the yard and outside will be mine.
What suggestions and ideas does your experience suggest, I do to make this easier.
My mom is still strong mentally but not physically. She know that this is what is best as she would never give up or move out of her home.
I really appreciate any and all feed back.
Thanks Diana
I think it's important to distinguish allowing your parent to control his or her own affairs and allowing him or her to control you. I'm happy to let my mother manage her own affairs. I'm not prepared to let her manage my affairs. I am working hard to not let her manage the way I do things for her. I don't appreciate being nagged or micromanaged, both of which she's prone to doing. I'll give you an example. We were leaving for the library a few weeks ago (me driving her car, which is easier than mine for her to get in and out of). She told me we needed to stop for gas. I was okay with her telling me this, as my sister had been the last one to drive the car, so I didn't know the gas was low. I told her I was going to take the back route to the library to avoid the traffic. She put in "After you stop for gas." I said very firmly "MOM!!!" Letting her know that she was pushing my buttons.
My sister and I have both told my mother that she is not entitled to play the "parent" card. We are adults and we are helping her out of the goodness of our hearts. If I were to give any advice to an adult child moving in with a parent, it would be the exact opposite of what kathyt said. I would say "Insist on being treated as an adult. If your parent starts speaking to you like you're 10 years old and acting like they're entitled to control your every move, call them out on it. Stand up for yourself or you won't make it through without a lot of bitterness, anger and resentment.
It is a wonderful idea to let parents have as much control as possible. The truth is, however, that many are no longer able to run the show. When it comes to dementia, reasoning is one of the first casualties. The best a caregiver can do is try to take over control silently so it doesn't rock the boat too much. This is easy to do with some things like paying bills, but harder to do with more personal things like medications.
I do know that we can't blame caregivers for wanting to control their own lives any more than we can blame care receivers for it. We can't expect someone to lose control of their own life and happiness so that the receiver can feel better. That is not a good trade-off and is actually very dismissive of the personal needs of the caregiver, who is often also a senior citizen.
Something I've noticed, and maybe it's just me, is that when advice is given to put more into the physical part of caregiving, it is usually given to a woman. I wonder if I have done the same. I wonder if it is we think women are naturally more serving than men. (Or maybe it's my imagination.)
That said, I often need to argue with her when she goes down a path that doesn't make any sense. She doesn't have full blown dementia but her judgment and memory are not what they used to be. I try to do it in a respectful way, but not because she's a parent. It's because she's a person. I talk to kids respectfully too, and store clerks, and everyone else. Hell, I even apologize when I accidently bump into my dog.
Yes the guilt trips are many, I have also had to let sibling know that they are still needed and that just because I live with her, that they can drop the ball. They still don't do much, but I am finally getting my sister and younger brother to see that this is really difficult.
I would also not assume that everyone will feel that "although it seems like you are giving up a lot, you will gain so much more by doing this." That's a very individual thing, depending a lot on the quality of the relationship between the parent and the adult child. That may be your experience, but it isn't everyone's. It isn't mine, for sure.
My husband also worries that my son is going to get his pick-up...even though he can't drive (he's partially blind from a stroke) and I have my own vehicle that I drive.
My husband is possessive with his tools...even though he can no longer use them and it is necessary for us to use them for repairs and jobs around the house...no one uses them properly...always a complaint!
He thinks someone is taking his things...even if he had the object last and he misplaced it! He thinks someone is stealing his money...even though I give him very little to carry in his pocket because he can't manage it!
He just can't understand that my son is helping me...and I don't think he can even understand that I am overloaded and need help. It is a really stressful situation for me and for my kids. I find myself trying to keep him away from the kids so I don't have to listen to his complaints.
Just things to ponder before moving in with parents that have dementia!
So, if the house is her space, does that mean you won't be doing the cleaning and laundry and cooking? If you are going to sell everything you own, why don't you just move into the house with her? Trailers are not usually insulated enough to live in during the winter and will be expensive to heat and cool. As mom's illness progresses, will she need more assistance?
Well, I wish you luck. And make sure you check on the legality of living in a travel trailer in your mother's backyard before you do anything else.
I sat her down this morning, to talk to her about it, told her I wasn't happy with it and that her other daughter who was here last night said, "I'm going call before I bother to come other again, if she's been drinking I just won't come over..
So I made her aware that she is pushing people away by her behavior. Surprising she acknowledged the problem, and stated she will work on it,heard it before, but maybe if I can get my brother to tell her why he doesn't come over she will do something.
I don't know sometimes I get frustrated, and other times I feel really bad, she hates
getting old she was always VERY independent.
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