Both mid 80s Dad with moderate dementia, will never agree to move, will have to trick him somehow. Mom diabetic, on injected insulin, bouts with chronic diarrhea, barely mobile but mentally ok.
Just trying to imagine how on earth I could ever pull this off, assuming I ever convince/trick them into moving. Maybe have to do it one at a time, separate cars with a crew of helpers? RV with handicap bathroom?
Anyone done this? BTW, flying is not an option.
Maybe if one goes from the ER to a hospital to rehab, then maybe onto a continuing care facility. Wish I had a crystal ball, could be I am worrying over things that might not happen.
I would say you have two options, either getting some kind of specialized vehicle and trying to drive straight through or staying overnight somewhere and possibly using a normal car with stops for bathroom breaks.
Do you have people who can/would help you? That would make it much easier to manage. You really can't be trying to drive and dealing with whatever might go on with the folks. Does your mom know that they need to move near you? Will she support you in whatever you have to do to get dad to cooperate?
The best option (though kind of drastic) might be to get the RV, get dad sedated to where he sleeps most of the way (put a diaper on him), let mom stop to use the restroom and go straight through. Not pretty, but it could get the job done. But I would want at least one other person (and maybe two) to assist me on the way, in case anything happened. Good luck...you will literally have your hands full trying to get them moved.
And Flyer, it may take the crisis to break this open and force the issue. Thanks for the tips.
But let's assume she's keen and it's all set up. A very wise woman, once asked how she managed to stay so calm when driving her ghastly daily commute, said she avoided getting stressed "by not expecting the journey to take less time than it actually does take." [I never quite got the hang of this in my commuting days, I must admit. There was always at least one snarl up where there had no *right* to be a snarl up - but let it be.]
Adapted for your circumstances, then, the answer is not to try to do this in a hurry. Make it a three, even four, day road trip, with comfort breaks, meals, and overnight stays scheduled in. Visit a couple of landmarks. You could tag pharmacies, ERs and so on along the route in case of emergency. See if you can find a group for people with disabilities that does travel or touring guides, so that you know which facilities are best to use, and offer proper wash rooms and so on.
So that's them. You will need a good-sized estate car that you can fit them, their paraphernalia, and their baggage for say one week in.
Their stuff: hire a reputable removals firm that also offers a clearance service and let them do their job. It will be pricey. It will be worth it.
I don't suppose it would be easier for you to move near them..?
And they would not be up to any tourism. Maybe one night in a nice hotel along the way. I do like the suggestion of tagging ERs and so forth along the way. And it would have to be a large van or RV.
All their stuff, that's a whole other topic. There's nothing of any value except for some of Dads garage stuff. Everything else will go to Goodwill, yard sale and junk yard. The house and land will be sold to pay for their care.
I explained to my loved one that she was going into assisted living to obtain therapy and get her meds. That way she could recover and regain her strength and balance. She agreed to that. Eventually, she forgot why she was there and now doesn't know she has a house.
I would write it on a tablet and hang it on the wall so she could read it, but she would forget it, so I would have to repeat it over and over. She would ask me over and over how long she would be there and I would explain over and over that it depended on her progress. That seemed to make her feel much better and I would always praise her for her great work in therapy. In reality, she would resist therapy, fell a lot and had to go into a wheelchair, but I kept being positive, to keep her spirits up. She couldn't help it. She was just declining. I still tell her how proud I am of her progress and how well she's doing. She smiles and it makes her feel good for the moment. The reality of the matter has no meaning to her, so I try to keep her as happy as possible.
Thanks to all for your responces thus far. It's giveen me a lot to think about.
I like the idea of an RV trip home with various family members; it could be considered a rolling family reunion. It might also help keep your father oriented, a concern I would have for a long cross state trip.
I think that with dementia, it might be easier to do it now than later in the event your father becomes disoriented and/or combative. But the question is how to convince him.
I think one of the really difficult aspects of caregiving is that so many of us try so hard to accommodate our parents' needs while still being firm, but it's hard to be that way, and it's hard to be as firm with them as they were with us when we were children. With a child, "no" or "that's not going to happen" is firm, but with our parents, it's more of an opening salvo for a challenge to do what they want.
I wish I knew how to tell them and make them understand that these relationships are two-way; they don't get to make all the decisions about what they're going to do while expecting us to meekly comply. They didn't allow that when we were young.
Your situation really is a dilemma. I thought my predicaments couldn't get worse until I came back here and read your post! And you even have the arduous tasks of long distance worrying.
The other difference to kids (or pets) is that we expect those to improve behavior and judgement with time and training, while the seniors are going the opposite direction.