Mom is currently in an assisted living facility in Oh and has been for a year since Dad passed away. We would like to move her to TX as there are no relatives visiting her in OH. She uses a walker and has some dementia. She is ambulatory but needs help getting up steps, into vehicles, etc. We're thinking that paying a nurse whom she knows from her current facility to fly with her might be the best course. The other issue is it is going to be very difficult to get her to agree to come. We realize change is not in her makeup so thoughts on that might be helpful as well. I am an only child, and in her eyes this whole situation is my fault. Heard this before?
Does she really care that no relatives visit in OH? If your ability to visit regularly and promises of a more stimulating facility are not enough to convince her to want to move, are you sure you shouldn't just leave her where she feels comfortable? If she and Dad lived in OH, perhaps she has friends there who she doesn't want to leave behind.
Not only the quantity but quality of visits will increase - I found after dad was 15 minutes away not over 3 hours that my time was with him not in travelling to him - because we visited once a month there were all the 'jobs' needing to be done for a month such as shopping, bank, etc - now we sit & talk about world events, times with his parents, family etc - these are memories that I will treasure & I hope this happens to you
As to the travelling - number 1 is that you try to be her escort BUT NO SLEEPING PILL RATHER A MILD TRANQUILIZER that she has taken at least 2 times before so that the staff can monitor her reaction especially if going on a plane - in case of emergency she would be out of it - I say this as a former flight attendant - I have seen many older people on planes & most take it as another experience to enjoy - it may be a trial for you but make it as fun for her as you can - bring a packed lunch of all her favourites so might do shrimp cocktail, pate, cheeses with cracker etc - insure your flight is NON STOP so there will be no transfers at an unfamiliar airport for you both - if you can afford it go first class so she has the bigger seats & more attention etc
Try to put this forward as a treat not a trial as this will make her attitude better - point out things like you are travelling with a 5 year old - look at people & try to guess what their life is ... 'so that guy over there is he an executive or a salesman' etc - helps while waiting in airport
Because Dad is only 15 minutes away, I can visit him 2 - 3 times a week and that enables me to observe and reflect on his words and various emotional, physical states. I can discern what he needs and find the appropriate resources to meet his needs. We take him to church with us. I take him to Starbucks, so he can breathes in the lovely aroma, sip his black coffee, and watch the young folks interact with each other.
By seeing him frequently, I have also had the opportunity to interact the staff and caregivers and receive feedback about my Dad. By joining the ALF's Family Council, I have learned more about what is going on with the facility, it's history, it's staff, and advocate for its residents.
Over the past 4-1/2 months, my Dad has improved so much emotionally and physically. As you consider for the best living situation for your mom, your resources, and the season of life that you are in, I hope that you will explore the option of having your mom living near your family in an ALF that can meet her needs.
She had a fall in April 2016 and fractured her neck and smacked her head on the floor leaving big knots on the forehead. Luckily the "boys" were there as she was on her way to bed, and they called 911. I live in California and caught the soonest flight I could.
The surgeon said that the fracture was such that they could try to repair it, giving her still some movement in her neck or they may have to fuse it when they got in and saw how bad it was. Fortunately, the first option was done. Her recovery was long and trying for both of us.
I was a year shy of full retirement age of 66. Therefore, I quit my job, as there was no way I would put my mom in any kind of nursing home. I promised myself and her that years ago. She has some memory loss from the severe injuries to her head and neck, which I suppose could be considered dementia -- but she has not been diagnosed as such. She knows who we all are (all her family members) and remembers things from her childhood pretty clearly, but has no recollection of the accident or her lifestyle prior to the accident. She has had severe arthritis in her knees and elbows, and is very unsteady on her feet, which makes it difficult for her to be alone for long.
After eight months in Ohio, I flew her home with me. There was no way the "boys" could care for her in her current state. She was extremely reluctant to leave her great-grandson, as he has ADHD and some socialization issues. His father (her grandson) also has had ADHD since childhood and has an unusual parenting style, which is not typical and so she worries that he is not properly caring for his son's issues. However, I told her a white lie and said she needed to come to California for awhile until she completely recovered. Plus I told her my son, another grandson, wanted to spend time with her, as he hadn't been able to go visit her in awhile. He was her first, and so it meant a lot to her.
In the first couple of months, she kept talking about going "home", however, that has died down, and she now knows she has to be here with us. I may be unusual in that I love taking care of her everyday - sure I get tired and don't always take proper care of myself, but I am just so joyful to have this extra time with my mom. She loved and cared for me and now it is time for me to care for her.
I am sorry I have made this so long, but I believe, if you can, you should go and fly back with her to your home. Yes, she may have a routine in the assisted living center, but I believe family is better, and as you said, you would be better able to keep her active and get her out more.
I have gotten my mom adult coloring books and washable markers -- she LOVES it and has about six or seven folders full of her "artwork". She also has gotten back to doing crossword puzzles, as she used to. I wish you luck and joy in whatever your decision.
When you move her, flying with her yourself really is the best option, or having someone she knows to fly with her. Find out her preferences for whether she wants to move by car or by air, and anything else associated with the move, and see if you can indulge a few of them. It may make it easier, and she will appreciate your efforts to make her move comfortable.
When traveling with a child, I always try to have something familiar to them: a toy or a beloved blanket, etc.etc. It makes their trip easier, and so try to have things that she likes and feels comforted by having with you on the plane or at least when you land, and in her new home, wherever that is. Maybe have a party for her when she comes to live in whatever you have arranged for her. Make it a happy time.
Just my advice...
Before she does make the move, will she be living with you or another facility? If it is a facility, check out their programs and monthly calendars to ensure she is getting the stimulation she needs physically and mentally. If you decide she will be living with you, consider it carefully because that will change your life significantly.
If you can afford to pay for aides, and that is working, then continue to do so. Perhaps contact family or friends of hers and ask them to pay visits--once someone is in a facility, nursing home or ALF, they often just are "forgotten" by others. You may need to gently persuade them.
If she is already a "wanderer"...that isn't going to get better. And a move to a new state, entirely new facilities (I assume you aren't taking her in with you?) may just be unbearable.
It's hard to long distance "manage" care like this. Perhaps it's time for a visit back to Ohio and see for yourself the situation firsthand. See what you can facilitate for her now.
Best of luck--I know this must be hard.
Is she in a regular AL or a Memory Care unit?
I'd also consider the walking that you describe. Often dementia patients walk incessantly, for no apparent reason. A Secure Memory Care facility would likely have an outdoor area, but, they all still require direct supervision when outside. I'd also consider that as they progress, they may not be as amused shopping, visiting, etc. as she has in the past. Of course, it depends on the person and their progression. You would know what she is still able to do.
I think that it's traditionally viewed as a negative to move a person who has dementia, I think it depends on the circumstances. If you have an ideal situation, I'd consider if that will happen again.
If you do decide to move her, I'd make sure that you have one that will accommodate her lined up. A regular AL often doesn't address the needs of a person with significant dementia.
And, if she's receiving Medicaid, that's another issue, if she moves to another state.
I had to move my LO due to her needing a higher level of care and it went fine.
You don't say, and I certainly wouldn't mean this as a criticism anyway, but when did you last spend much time with your mother? If she is already in need of a wander bracelet then her dementia sounds quite advanced. I appreciate the frustration of it but I really think it can't be in her best interest to move her at this point.
Visits from relatives - especially relatives she's close to and is used to spending a lot of time with; does that describe you? - would be lovely, of course. But it is possible to overestimate their value to your mother. A good facility, caring people on the staff, familiar surroundings and continuity in her environment would all beat a weekly (say) visit from family hands down.
If she is well cared for and content where she is why not leave well enough alone.