She has chronic conditions feel let down by her. I have looked after her for years she lives by fear. She wont go to a nursing home and the waiting list is 12 to 18 months she wont go to respite ,she doesnt talk what do I do she is holding my life to ransom
With the respite care, you are in a tight spot - it's hard enough to access it in heavily populated areas, let alone a small rural town in Australia. Where's your nearest sizeable city? What would you do with a respite break? Because I'm wondering if you could consider taking her with you, placing her in care for a week (say) willy-nilly, having your time off and then bringing her home again. It'd be more trouble and expense, but at least you wouldn't be waiting over a year because there'd be a lot more choice of care facilities.
If she hasn't had a thorough overhaul for two years it's probably time for one. You want to find out what her heart function is like; how her brain is holding up; and whether her kidneys are basically ok. Any changes in these since the last time they were checked will help you to gauge how she is likely to be feeling in herself. The purpose of the exercise isn't a cure - the hospital wasn't being dismissive, there isn't a cure - but to see where you are in terms of what it's fair to expect of her. She is bound to be fatigued, but poor heart and kidney function also make you feel really *ill*; so what with that and the possibility of problems with the blood supply to her brain I would be surprised if she weren't suffering from depression. Not just the blues, certainly not self-pity, but full-on depression. There are things that can help her with that.
Lecture over: what about you? Step one, you're not responsible for your mother's happiness. Don't dote on her, just look after her: if you keep trying to make her happy you're on a hiding to nothing, because you can't bring your dad back and you can't cure her disease. More importantly, put your son first - well, put yourself first, because you need to be in good enough shape to give him the time he needs and that you want to spend with him. I sympathise with the no job no life no friends thing - it's especially difficult when you're in a small community. What job did you do before you took over your parents' care?
My MIL was put on a depressant in rehab. She was a stubborn woman. At 91 she still wanted things her way but she wasn't able to be on her own anymore. She literally willed herself to die. She went into rehab Feb 4 and passed on the 28th.