What can I do before she kills me. She don't qualify for anything with the little $2900 month retirement she get. To put her in a facility. Me and my sister left she don't help much.. 3 times in the last 6 yrs she took her for 7 days to her house. 21 days in 6yrs. I hired my mom sister to help Mr with her but she stressed her out after a yrs and she never returned. My 24 yrs son help some but he really don't want to but have no choice since he still wants to live in my house. I'm really getting burned out now. My mom is very difficult to deal with everything is a battle. She don't like to shower its hard to get her to do anything she don't want to do. So I would only go in her room to feed her or put things in her refrigerator that she like. And clean her bathroom. Now the last month or do she has wet the bed. When she soaking wet she must of the time refuse to shower. The medication they prescribed ain't working. Sleep pattern horrible. Now this wetting the bed daily and me having to wash daily to prevent my home from smelling like a convalescent is becoming the final straw. She is breaking me down my health is not good. I live chronic pain from a spinal fusion in 2009. The stress if feel when I hit the door and smell the piss😡 and she lay there talking mess refuse to get up. Multiple times she has to be told to get up. Sometimes she do get up most she don't
I need some suggestions who to deal with this condition. My tolerance is wearing thin.
Contact the County Department of Health services. I believe (maybe I'm wrong)
that no one can be refused medical services due to inability to pay.
Find out what services she might be eligible for, and continue looking for a care facility for her. All of her Social Security will be used to pay for it, and typically, Medicaid should cover the rest, if she doesn't have the money.
I wonder if you're only looking at Assisted Living options. That is very different from Skilled Nursing Facility or Memory Care.
You do not have to be responsible for taking care of her. Does she live with you? If she is living on her own, Social services should do a welfare check on her and if they see she can not take care of herself, I think a solution will be found pretty quickly.
If she is living with you, find any reason for her to go to the hospital. And when she's ready to be released, refuse to take her home with you. Tell them that you are not able to care for her. They will have to figure something out, but she is not your responsibility!
You are burning out! And if you don't take care of yourself first, this really could kill you, and you won't be any help to anyone.
With her $3,000 monthly income, can't you hire someone to come in to the home to help out?
I hope you find the right solution soon!
I’ve read to play music to try to help soothe. I play gently in my mom’s hair. I try to laugh with her to get her more compliant. Ask, instead of state. (It doesn’t work but I try.) Me: Are you ready for your bath now? Her: We can take the pictures to Mama’s house (my granny been dead since 76)
Have you tried a home health aide a few days or weekly? Care.com or the Aging agency in your town/city. Visiting Angels, Bayada, Honor/Home Instead. Please try a nursing home or at least a home health aide. (Turn your phone off when it’s their shift. Really give yourself a break however you can.) Put all of your financials/important documents in a locked filing cabinet first.) Maybe a church/religious organization can give some direction/leads on a caretaker. Also be sure to tell the doctor about all her issues incontinence etc. The doctor might be a resource to help find care. We have OakStreet health and other doctors offices that seem to specialize in senior care. Again, so sorry you have to deal with this. Please find a way to do something that brings you joy and peace.
I’ve read to play music to try to help soothe. I play gently in my mom’s hair. I try to laugh with her to get her more compliant. Ask instead of state. (It doesn’t work but I try.) Me: Are you ready for your bath now? Her: We can take the pictures to Mama’s house (my granny been dead since 76)
Have you tried a home health aide a few days or weekly? Care.com or the Aging agency in your town/city. Visiting Angels, Bayada, Honor/Home Instead. Please try a nursing home or at least a home health aide. (Turn your phone off when it’s their shift. Really give yourself a break however you can.) Put all of your financials/important documents in a locked filing cabinet first.) Maybe a church/religious organization can give some direction/leads on a caretaker. Also be sure to tell the doctor about all her issues incontinence etc. The doctor might be a resource to help find care. We have OakStreet health and other doctors offices that seem to specialize in senior care. Again, so sorry you have to deal with this. Please find a way to do something that brings you joy. Remember it’s your mom’s body but not her.
Trust me, you don't have to do laundry every day. Here's what I do:
I have a closed mattress cover, fitted mattress pad and fitted sheet on the bed, with underpads sandwiched in between each of them. So:
1. Layer One: disposable underpads on top of mattress (to keep stuff from seeping through and stinking it up)
2. Layer Two: mattress cover with zipper.
3. Layer Three: washable underpads.
4. Layer Four: quilted fitted mattress pad
5. Layer Five: disposable underpads
6. Layer Six: fitted sheet
7. Layer Seven: last layer of disposable pads
With this system, the worst that happens when my mother has accidents is that the topmost sheet and disposable pads in the topmost layers get dirty. So, what I do is I throw out and replace the disposable pads on topmost layer (Layer Seven, which mom was sleeping on). If the fitted sheet gets dirty, I throw that in a bag for laundry and replace it with a duplicate. If the underpads underneath the fitted sheet get dirty, then I replace with a fresh layer of disposable pads before replacing the sheet.
For the "laundry every day problem," have a lot of duplicates of everything so that when one set gets dirty, you have another set to throw on in the meantime. If you feel like you have to wash right away because you're afraid of staining or odors becoming permanent, you can presoak the soiled linens rather than launder right then and there (which is what I used to do). That will buy you some time.
Praying that you will find help soon.
she might be ready for hospice.
1) I bought depends and put a pad in the depends so if she urinates it won't come through. It took a while to search for a pad comfortable for her. I have even put pads in her panties so when she puts them on there is reinforcement. Definitely depends with a big pad at night.
2) she also has a pee pot in her room which is just a dollar tree bowl with a lid she can use if she can't make it to the bathroom.
3) She has been doing sponge baths for years. I put water in a basin with soap and bring it to her.
4) I use a large chuck on her bed. Tape it to the sheet. So I can just toss it if it gets wet.
5) Just purchased mattress cover. I plan on putting on two sheets with a mattress cover on the mattress and a mattress cover between the two sheets. Still using a chuck taped on at night. I can wipe off the waterproof mattress cover and not have to worry about changing sheets so often.
6)I use a good spray called odoban when emptying her pee pot and I can spray the room and mattress.
7) soiled clothes not immediately washed go in laundry bags .
8)I live in Oregon and my friends mom owns a house but lives with her daughter, she has dementia. My friend has her on hospice care and there is no financial restrictions. She does not need to be near death. They come in and take care of her but if she needs to go to the doc or hospital she has to deny hospice care then get back on it after her appointment.
Another good friend has dementia. Her daughter is using a trust to deal with her assets.
This is hard. My sister's don't help either. Last night I was really depressed but the hypocrite will leave you with this...as they say on the airplane put your mask on first before helping others ...cause if you don't, you may not be in a position to help others.
Hope something I mentioned relieves you.
When a facility is required (and in this case, it sounds as if it most certainly is), I think there are "spend-down" options across the country, where the state/Medicaid essentially requires a person to put all of their income and assets toward care, which then qualifies them for aid to cover the remaining costs.
Please look up Medi-Cal's SOC program. Or cut and paste this web address into your browser to access a document describing the program:
https://www.sfdph.org/dph/files/CBHSdocs/BHISdocs/UserDoc/MediCalSOCFactSheet.pdf
This is such a difficult situation, and the systems in place don't make it any easier. Please take care of yourself. I wish you all the best.
You cannot manage her care any longer at home.
I do not understand what you are saying / writing about your son / living in your home / house.
Yes, she will continue to do as she does. This is a given due to the disease.
And, her level of need(s) will increase.
You need to place her somewhere.
You cannot handle her level of need.
Of course your tolerance is wearing thin. You do not have any tolerance left.
You must get her out of the home / your house (?) asap. If she is sent to a hospital for a need, she shouldn't be able to return to your home.
Call all government agencies you can - Medi-Caid, Medi-Care, Medi-Cal ... local Board and care. If you do not make arrangements 'soon' - you will not be able to manage / care for her yourself. This is an unworkable situation for all concerned.
I do question, however, what your son is doing. Perhaps he needs to leave the (your?) house. He doesn't appear to be helping at all in this situation. Why is he allowed to live in your home? He's 24. Find a local board & care and have your son pay for some of it. Do not allow him to (continue to) be a free loader. Clearly, he doesn't 'care' what this 'work' and responsibility is doing to you. He needs to 'step up' or 'step out.'
Gena / Touch Matters
If mom is peeing the bed, won’t wear depends, won’t use bed pads and won’t shower, she is past the point of home care, as much as you want to keep her there. I would say the same to the poster who’s LO is taking off the ostomy bag and pooping all over the house. It’s too much for non professionals to handle. So sorry for what you are going through.
However if she’s too far gone, she made need to be in a nursing home full time. They will take her monthly SS check and you’ll have to apply for her to Medicaid in your state to pay the rest. Hospice can help decide if she can get in home care from them or if she needs to be in a full time facility. Hospice will come to your home to evaluate the situation.
Start the ball rolling by contacting your local Area on Aging Agency. Tell them you need help caring for her. Tell them you’d like hospice to come and evaluate.
let us know what happens
Mom is very difficult now. She'll take her ostomy bag off. Poop everywhere. I have to throw out my couch. She hides her soiled clothes so I have to go in daily now and look for clothes with poop on them. She'll leave soiled clothes in the kitchen. Soiled paper towels on the floor.
She's severely dehydrated today and refused to go to ER. When I threatened to call an ambulance, she said she'll go. why is she dehydrated? Because she fights with me about drinking Liquid IV and water. I had to finally hide the Keurig and the coffee b/c all she would drink is coffee. She's getting chemo and will dehydrate really quickly.
I can't afford and neither can she to be in a nursing home. I tried one that was highly rated after she had her surgery for rehab care and she lost weight and I would find with her with no pants on and soiled underclothes. I took her out of there. I'm scared to put her somewhere else, but I cannot afford much with my mortgage and general living expenses. I'm fortunate that for now, I work remotely, but I have a new job starting in july in pennsylvania and she has said she won't go with me. By July, her cognition and memory may be a whole other story, but I'm tired of fighting with her about basic care for herself.
You need a relief even for two hours. Call Alzeimers assoc. there are volunteers who can come and sit for awhile. If you can someone to the laundry once a week helps. I found if I could get someone to do laundry, change bed put kitchen in order , I could be a better caregiver. I found someone on facebook for 20. an hour. and get the laundry, dishes, bed changed floors vacuumed and mopped, it held a lot. Agencies charge a lot, find someone by talking to friends.
Say a lot of prayers, Jesus has helped me, now i need to figure out how to get a good nights sleep. God bless you, it is difficult no matter.
We just talked to doctor about calming him down at night, she said no caffeine or sweets after noon. she said you get melatonin over the counter 6mg to 10mg
extended release. my husband can’t do extended release he chews and would spit it out at me. So I am going with melatonin with 6mg i think if I can get liquid or chewable he should be good. Wish you luck, I am in Webster Ny.
Good luck and sending you good thoughts to get a good nights sleep.
When it happens and we end up in this state, it is time to make a decision to save ourselves at this point.
Speak to Hospice Case Manager about options.
Your Mother needs care. Fact.
But there is no law stating you have to provide this care with your own hands, in your own home (or hers), for as long as she needs, despite the burdon load to you.
You are not enslaved.
Keep up the search for alternatives.
Its time for her to be in a home and you need to figure out who to call to get her there.
As to Sister no more need be said. She has made her own choices; she doesn't wish to do caregiving. I would not, either.
You mention your mother has just under 3,000 per month. That would go to the care facility in its entirety. Then there would be funds likely from Medicaid to bring up to the amount needed/required for her care.
The way to see how to do this is to arrange an hour of time with an elder law attorney. IF you are POA and you should be, the visit to an expert is paid for by your mother. I also hope you got a care contract in place when she was still competent to help make one, so that you have shared living expenses.
It is clearly time to figure out just how to arrange placement. You will need help figuring it out, but I do believe you know it is time. I wish you the best of luck.
The laundry thing...ugh. If she still has any cloth undies, get rid of them and replace with only disposable pull-ups. Get a waterproof matress cover, have her sleep on a chuck. If she takes off her disposable undies she may need to wear an anti-strip jumpsuit.
I'm so sorry you're in this situation. Are you her PoA?
So keep up the research until the new pathway is found.
Call your council, Area of Aging, the Doctor, a helpline, lifeline even. Find out how to obtain an Aged Care Needs Assessment.
Find out what the real options are. For in-home care, for assisted living or long term care. Call your local Care Homes & ask the types of care they offer & the costs.
If Mother's care needs are too high for living in your home, then they are too high. Speak to her Doctor or obtain a referral for a Social Worker service to find out what options are available.
Either for more help at home, or what type of care home is suitable/available/affordable.