My mother moved in with us after my father passed and she fell down a flight of stairs (luckily no broken bones). She did not pay at beginning while I worked to get her home (several states away) ready to sell. I did all the work while working full time. I was not paid for anything (including cleaning out her home). After the sale, she did not offer to pay anything on a monthly basis. She has plenty of money and very good insurances including long term care guaranteed. 2 of my 3 siblings (all sisters) have fought me about her paying anything to help with expenses or cover her use of the space in my home. (2 bedrooms and private bath). They have told me I owe it to do this free of charge or mandated I pull up expenses from before she lived with us and compare to now so she would only pay the difference. I have stated that if she were living on her own, she would have a mortgage, utilities etc but to no avail. My mother hasn’t offered and acts oblivious to any drain this might be causing. (She has her full faculties). I’m missing work due to the stress this is causing. I’m angry and don’t know how to resolve this without creating a bigger rift within the family than the ones that were already there.
One last note. We are blessed to have a nice home and great jobs. I feel as if my siblings think that since we do have these things (we have worked very hard to get to where we are) no extra money is warranted. It’s not about the money. It’s the idea that my time and space are worth nothing in their eyes. None have contributed with anything since day 1. One sister has been there emotionally but that’s the extent.
In AL there will be activities and social opportunities, too, that you are not able to provide. She can build community there. Whatever you do, keep receipts for EVERYTHING! Best wishes.
We allow a rent free situation so that resources can cover caregivers which gets expensive quickly. And will be necessary to keep in a private home.
Also I am no longer on speaking terms with one sibling who refuses to help with anything to do with our elderly parents because 1) she refuses to help with their needs which are basic and not specialty and 2) she suggested allowing the parents the opportunity to move in with her at market rent AND having them pay caregiver expenses. AND she still wasn’t going to help them.
Regardless of your outcome is sadly you may find permanently strained relationships with your siblings if their were never conversations previously to your mother’s downturn.
I have a mother at 88 and father at 92. Did well medically until Christmas 2020. Now both need basic help. And it’s just myself and boyfriend and paid caregivers involved. Have 2 siblings that could help but won’t. I caregive 3 overnights a week to reduce cost and it is costing me a lot as unpaid. However these are my parents and I find peace knowing I am doing what I can to allow them to stay out of facilities. And your mother likely didn’t charge you as a child. Your compensation can be knowing you did what was best her last years.
So thank you for housing your mother. If she is of sound mind it’s not unreasonable to have a conversation relating to finances but at that age your mom may become stressed and feel like a burden from the topic. It’s difficult. If you are not financially burdened another alternative, if she is of sound mind,is you could consider amending her estate planning. But the cost of attorney and further stress with siblings may not be worth it. I know now my last years with my parents will be at the cost of not having relationships with my siblings in the future. Unfortunate but reality. This is where you realize you may have grown apart from your siblings as adults. Good luck. Make sure you put your mother first. She has less time left and you will need and want peace. Not ugly burden memories.
My Mom's LTC insurance has a dollar amount cap per day and also for lifetime benefits. For her current Memory Care cost , her policy covers all but $200 each month, after she private payed for the 1st 90 days. But based on current costs, the policy will have payed out all they will in 5 years. Then she will be back to private pay. She has had to private pay for an extra caregiver when she needed more help after a couple of falls/hospital, also as she had maxed out her daily rate from just regular memory care costs, and at $28/ hr it adds up quick. You don't want to start using the policy too earl if you don't need to, then have less choices when you need LTC
So....if you are not finding her living with you a burden, either financially or emotionally, I'd let the money thing slide. Now she should contribute something to the household, if she can. Help with meals, laundry, entertaining the grandkids etc, based on her age/condition. You are giving her a place to live, not being her entertainment director or maid.
Dissues now, and research the LTC choices in the area, and her finances, and at what point you would not be comfortable with her living with you anymore. When she needs help dressing, bathing, toileting, dementia issues. When you can't leave her alone, or vacation?
If living with her constantly is too much togetherness, find a solution. Like she spend 3 months with each adult child, or finds a close senior living apartment or IL/AL.
My only sibling left town claiming she didn't like winter (nor her family meddling no doubt) and moved thousands of miles away. Prior to leaving the righteous little you know what told me that if mom and dad had some issues, that I should just put them in a home, as I was entitled to a life of my own. Well, here we are nearly 20 years later. Situation a bit different as my employment is low pay and I am living under THEIR roof, rent free...however I feel I more than earn my keep for helping with their major needs...there to clean poop off the floor and laundry which we all know is women's work; to cook, clean, pay attention to safety issues, make appts, advocate, hear, explain (dad is deaf) and so on. I figured that was my rent and then some, and because I do feel a family obligation to help as I can. However last fall the stress of it all and working caught up with me and I nearly died. My health situation took much out of me, and now I could use some help! The sibling couldn't care less, but makes twice weekly phone calls to her daddy to remind him how she loves him. He is naive and clueless. Our mother wouldn't be conned, but she has dementia. I do think it takes a long time, but once you adjust, if you can, to the siblings not going to do a thing, it will make you do what you need to do to make the circumstances you are in as tolerable and comfortable for all of you. Wishing you the best....
When the bills are high because we can not open windows when it's nice because of her allergies, I just let her know and she's very happy to pay any and all bills.
We cannot burn wood in the winter cause mom is on oxygen 24/7.
The gas bill gets high and like I said I let her know and she's there to help.
We have a different scenario than yours. But I would think and hope that your mom would not take advantage of you.
If things are that bad between you all, I would suggest that she go live with one of the other sisters or pay the amount that you are asking. It's not good for you to be angry with them. If mom would not pay the bills that she has caused to go higher and paying nothing to live there. I would be angry also.
I'm sorry I can't help solve your problem. And I know through my own experience that there is usually more going on. My advice would not help.
I would just pray for God to help me, what ever I have to deal with.
However, you and others have said things like "Use some of her finances" to pay these increases and/or to pay for hiring help. While this can be done in cases where the LO has set up POA and is cognitively impaired, thereby activating the POA, this isn't the case. Per OP's original post:
"(She has her full faculties)"
In this case, the mother would have to agree to use her funds to cover these expenses.
My 2 brothers love my mother and me very much but they are too far away to help. We are in 3 different time zones.
On the advise of our attorney, my Mother now pays us monthly a "reimbursement" for her care. It is not taxable to me. What she pays us is a fraction of what she would pay in a long term care facility. As a family, we are fortunate to all agree on this arrangement. Also none of us siblings really need the money at this point in our lives so that lifts a huge obstacle out of the way. Yes it is an incredible burden on my husband and me and yes, I sometimes resent it.
My mom will be 90 in September.
If this is getting to be too big an issue for you, see if any of those other siblings are willing to take mom into their homes, or better yet, would mom consider moving into IL. In IL she'd have access to other seniors her age, have activities she can join in. Depending on the IL facility she may have 2 - 3 meals/day, housekeeping, transportation to shopping and medical appts. This would ease your anxiety and mom would be in a safe environment. You and your siblings would still be there for her needs.
My parents took the responsibility on themselves and moved to IL - while still in IL they gave me their POAs to act as their agent and soon thereafter I took care of their finances - paid their bills. I started accompanying them to medical appts as they could never exactly remember what the DRs said. They were both more than willing to pay for gas occasionally. Eventually they needed to move to AL living because of dads continual falls and then dad had to move to LTC where he died a few months later. Mom continues on in AL and I continue to handle her finances.
Find a solution that works for you and mom. Know that if mom isn't happy she is going to complain to siblings - so the siblings will chime in - however unless they have a solution other than you need to do - then ignore them.
The easy solution if Mom is causing stress is to help her find another place to live.
If you love having her live with you, then you have to confront her and share your concerns, set up a budget, and tell her if she wants to stay she will have to pay monthly.
Regarding your sisters, you are an "only child" if they don't help you or your Mom. They don't get to have an opinion.
It sounds like you didn't discuss finances prior to your mother moving in, so it's important to do so now. You need to think about and write out what you want to say, and BY ALL MEANS know ahead of time what you believe is fair for your mother to pay. Be honest, loving, but non-emotional. If you let your emotions enter in, it will not go well for you or your mother.
I hope this helps.
Your mom needs to help with the expenses plain and simple .I would have a serious talk with her about the living situation and expenses. It seems everything is on your shoulders and for that I would not give the rest of the family any say about the matter. You have every right to get compensated. I would encourage your mom and you to consult with an Elder Attorney. You are a very kind daughter to take your mother into your home. I hope everything works out for the best and you find a solution soon.
Time for a family meeting, even if by Zoom to ask who is available starting tomorrow.
Your siblings will only get worse and expect you to do more ~ mine started in a similar way and ultimately left my mother penniless. And emotionally, it took its toll on me then, and to this day. They will make you the bad guy now or later due to their jealousy of your success and happiness. Act now. Protect your own sanity and create a clear boundary. You have worked hard to create your life, protect it because you deserve it. Mentally prepare for sibs to never “play fair”.
Your mother sounds as though she would thrive in a senior apartment with people her age all around. My parents were in an age-in-place so they didn’t have to move out when health crises occurred.
Find a senior housing specialist if possible (good ones are no cost to you). Have your mom tell them what she would want to have and have them work together. Have your mom sign leases and contracts with movers. Get her out.
I did all of the housing associated tasks with my parents and was rewarded with having siblings turn me into the county for financial exploitation (unfounded), telling my parents lies to undermine their trust in me and ultimately, they participated in draining my parents resources to their own benefit. And heartbreakingly in the end, very sadly, they caused such great stress to my parents, to a point which I often wonder had it been better if I had walked away years before.
Mine ultimately ended up being a damned if you do and damned if you don’t because I cared deeply.
With your siblings current stance, I don’t see how your “rift” will lessen - take great care of you now.
Best wishes
I think she should be paying you regardless of whether you actually need the money or not.
I hope it all goes well for you.
My family went through this issue several years back, Mom stayed at my brother's house she and Dad GAVE to them. (.) She stayed there for four months then found a senior apartment nearby. They have the family home and contents... when my sister and I moved her into a very good memory care facility... they were notably absent in the process. Mom and Dad went through all of their resources and traveled in a motorhome cross country for several years before Dad died... almost like he planned it that way.
Folks; No one is entitled to inheritance!!!! I had to work for everything... so should people coming up after me. If there is something left, great. Leave it to them if you like.
PS: Establish the expenses incurred in your Mom's stay and present it now, before she dies and you have a family issue. Good luck to you.
You need to be concerned about what’s right around the corner. Insure that all your mother’s paperwork (will, advanced directives, DPOA, etc) and finances are in order. Then maybe make a plan for senior independent living with some sort of step up care. Or make a plan for her to pay you for your expenses and pay for any home care assistance she might need.
When I stepped up to manage and oversee my mother’s care there were some people that seemed to have a lot to say about what I should be doing although they wanted no responsibility. I had to ignore that and make decisions on what I thought was best for me and my mother’s health and safety. I was the POA - not anyone else. Make that long range plan ASAP because worrying about the “rent” for now is only a temporary bandaid to what might become a huge headache in the future.
Don't worry about your siblings as what ever arrangements you make with your mother, let your siblings know that they can make the same arrangements and mom can live with them.
You should let your mother know that you love her but you feel used that you did everything and wasn't compensated for it when she has plenty of money to have done so.
Let her know what amount you think it was worth and for the time she's already spent staying at your house room and Board free.
Since you don't need the money, you can have it all written up the amount and what it's for and have your mom date and sign it stating that the money will be paid to you once your mom has died before the inheritance is given out.
I assume the inheritance will be divided equally amongst you and your siblings.
Then, let her know that she has a choice in regards to the future.....
#1
She can continue living with you, for Total $$$ Amount. Have a list of what will be provided, rooms, food, cookinh meals, cleaning, taking her to her appointments, ect.
Choice #2
You will help her find her own Senior Apartment, ect to live in.
Choice #3
Go to Live with one of your other Siblings
There is absolutely nothing wrong with you getting reimbursed for your efforts since she is more than able to do so.
I find it totally selfish and unfair for your mom and Siblings to have not suggested what would be a Fair Amount.
The only reason they haven't is so they'll be more money left for their inheritance.
You are more than late to be bringing this up but better late than never and SHAME ON YOUR MOM AND SIBLINGS!
Juse because you have more than they do doesn't mean anything, you worked your butt off as it wasn't handed to you on a silver platter.
Be Fair and don't worry about anyone's feelings as they have already shown not to worry about yours.
your siblings have no say in this matter...period. It’s your home, your rules. If mom doesn’t like it then she gets to pick which child to live with. You teach people how to treat you is the saying Dr. Phil uses. Set your boundaries and don’t allow them or mom to trample on them.
Hit them all with some hard facts - stats are useful at this stage. Say you have worked out how much it is costing to keep an additional adult and send them a break down, all of them, so there is no interpreting/misrepresenting. Compare what it would cost to pay commercially for what you do. You will surprise yourself and them!
Be prepared for a change and if this involves another sibling taking your mum, then good! Even if it was temporary it would demonstrate that it is never easy to accommodate another person - even if it is your mom. My guess is they will not want that and then a compromise can be met.
Being taken for granted and guilt tripped is horrible. Stand up for you, no one else is.
Good luck! xx
As for your mom just sit her down and explain that it is respectful for everyone to contribute for the day to day expenses. If that is not expectable to her feel free to move in with one of her other children. There is no debating about it. When the bills come in we will have a sit down and each will pay their share. If she does not the locks will be changed on the door as she leaves.