My father is trying to care for my 90 year old mother with dementia. My mother has long-term health insurance, a nice policy that covers home care, which we have arranged daily. They take good care of my mom and the time they are there is supposed to free up my father so he can do some things he enjoys. But, instead, he hovers. He calls me at least 25 times a day, starting at 7:00 a.m. to report how she peed, pooped and what she ate. Then he panics at the slightest deviation, a slight drop in her blood pressure, or if she makes a funny face, etc. Yesterday he wanted me to pick up a prescription for him, while the CNA was at the house. He drives. The pharmacy is down the street from his home, but 10 miles away from me. He called me and asked that I do it. I told him I would do it when I got out to do my errands, which I wasn't ready to do yet, I was waiting for the 5:00 traffic to die down. He called me back 3 times and the last time was very irrational and demanded that I do it now, "she's your mother, don't you care?" So, I dropped everything and got her medication, which was a med given at bedtime. (It was 4:45 in the afternoon.) He makes demands on me daily, and the CNAs have called me and told me "don't let him guilt you into doing something we can do." He knows I'm unavailable on Tuesdays until 1:00 p.m. And every Tuesday like clockwork he calls me in a panic about something the CNA can handle. This time he thought her blood pressure had dropped too low. Instead of waiting 30 minutes and taking it again, which was what was recommended, he called 911 and the EMTs took her to to the ER, and of course her blood pressure was normal and she was fine. Then, he wanted me to drop everything and drive up to the ER, pick them up (he had driven behind the ambulance and had his car), and drive my mom home. I refused. I called MedRide and he will have to wait 2 hours until they arrive. He's not happy, but this whole ordeal is consuming my life. I've had to cut way back on my work to accommodate his demands. We have the care set up, it's lovely care with a company we feel very comfortable with. It's also paid for by her insurance. I go with my parents to all their doctors appointments, and help whenever I can or if there is a true emergency. Is being at his beck and call something I am expected to do? As he says "It's your mother, and this is women's work." My dad and I have had a good relationship up until now, but it turns into constant arguing and bickering now and this really isn't how I want to remember our relationship. I'm trying to find a balance. Suggestions?
When he has helpers, he is not to call you. If there is a true emergency, the help can call you.
If you answer the phone while the aids are there, tell him that you can not do that and that the aid will have to do it. I suggest turning your phone off to give yourself periods of peace.
Best of luck!
You don't have to explain why you are not doing it, just simply that you are not doing it. Plain and simple. Or that you can't do it.
Talk to the aids about this so they know what to expect.
What is your dad's condition like? Is he OK? Seems like he might have some anxiety or other issues going on himself. OCD? 25 calls a day? Not OK.
Explain that the med was not an emergency. If it was, you would have dropped everything. But he needs to realize that you can't just drop everything. Really, u did good telling him u would pick it up when u went out.
I would also tell him that as ur Moms husband it is his responsibility to care for Mom. That you are there for him and Mom but as back up. There is no such thing as "womans work" anymore.
He does expect you to be at his beck and call. It's good you've put your foot down sometimes! It doesn't look like a balance will be feasible if this is his attitude. It's not okay for him to pull manipulative guilt trips like "don't you care about your mother?". When it really has nothing to do with you caring about your mother. What he means is "Don't you want to help me the second I tell you?".
I'm guessing they're both resistant to AL. Since dad keeps calling, suggest to him maybe taking care of mom is too much for him to handle, and maybe it's time they moved into AL. He won't like that suggestion, but... inform him that the constant calls, not letting CNAs help, and panicking at the slightest thing makes you think he is in over his head, and you will check out some AL facilities (since he's so busy, you know). He will likely freak out, but... this can be an incentive to stop the antics, or at least tone it down.
Next time he wants something RIGHT NOW that either he or the CNA can handle, tell him you can't. No explanation needed. "I can't right now." Can offer to come by at a time that works for you.
You can’t keep up with his demands. They probably both need to be placed somewhere given their age. Stop stalling. Stop arguing with him. You have had a good relationship until now because of stress related to caregiving. So eliminate the source of stress and go back to being their daughter.
I know it’s hard. I cared for my mom in my home for just about 15 years and my mom and dad in their home for many years. So I get it. I can’t imagine being in your dad’s shoes and doing it in his 90’s!
It’s time for him to have a break from caregiving! This is entirely too much for all of you. I don’t care if he has a CNA at home it is too much anxiety for him to endure around the clock. The CNA can’t do as much as an entire staff can. Please place them both asap. Or at least your mom so you and dad can get a break.
Your dad may be sexist. My whole family was and lucky me, I am the only daughter! I’m being sarcastic of course, I was anything but lucky! My point is that you are not going to change his behavior at this point in his life. You can change his atmosphere though. One thing at the time. Step by step you can be proactive.
If I could change anything I would go back and instead of being lost and complaining, I would listen to the advice given to me on this forum which was to let go! I am telling you because you have the opportunity to make positive changes now.
Just try to set some boundaries; let him know mom is in good hands with the CNA; come up with a action plan, and give him some reassurance that you are there for your mom and for him! Perhaps some anti-anxiety meds.
Just my 2 cents!
Good luck!
If I were you, I'd tell him I can talk on the phone twice a day; once at X time and again at X time. After a month, I'd cut it down to once per day. All the other calls from him need to go unanswered, straight to voice mail. He'll get the hint eventually. Leave word with the CNAs that they are to call you if anything urgent happens to mom. That way, you will KNOW that all the other calls coming in from dad are just worry calls and nothing urgent.
As far as "This is your mother don't you care" and this is 'Women's work" is concerned, tell your father Gee Sorry Dad, I have a JOB to Do Here and I work from 8 am - 5 pm each day & CANNOT be Disturbed. Period. That is what I tell my mother so she knows I'm not at her beck & call all the time.
It's good that you're looking into Assisted Living for both of them. Try to find a place that also has a memory care section/building as well, in case mom needs to go there, that way dad can either move with her or stay in their room at the regular ALF. Most couples do not live together in Memory Care if only one is suffering from dementia.
I can tell you the best thing I ever did, especially as an only child, was to place both of my folks in Assisted Living after dad fell and broke his hip in 2014. He wound up passing away in 2015 but my mother was developing dementia and there was NO WAY I'd be taking her in to live with me, so she's been very well cared for this whole time in the ALF and now in Memory Care.
Try to get through to dad that mom does not require micro-management. The CNAs are there to care for her, and if there is an urgent problem, they will be the first to call 911; that HE does not have to do their jobs FOR them. Sending mom over to the ER every time she has a blood pressure fluctuation is going to create a TRUE crisis in short order!! Sigh.
Best of luck!!!
The next time he has something that "needs to be done now" he wants you to do just tell him you aren't able to right now but you are sure (CNA) can take care of it and after all it's what she's paid for! Maybe going along with his belief only you as her daughter can take care of this and that by dropping everything and doing it is only reinforcing that. He is comfortable with you, trusts you and knows Mom does too and maybe as much as he likes the CNA's he hasn't gotten comfortable relying on them yet and needs a little help making that adjustment. "I can take care of that at the end of the day Dad but if you feel it needs to be done sooner why don't you ask Sally. I'm also wondering if perhaps his world has gotten a bit too small since your mom's decline, all kinds of reasons he might not feel right leaving her but finding him something he enjoys either outside the house or inside (stamps, woodworking, cards with the guys...) something to put some of his focus on instead of all on your mom.
The other thing you could and probably should do is take a long weekend away for yourself but also so you aren't available and he has no choice but to rely on the CNA's who of course always have a direct line to you but if dad calls with nothing from them you can let it go to VM and say you were at the pool or hiking or something. You may be as attached to caring for them as he is to having you do it, I know it can be very hard to let go a little after a big medical event with mom that has had us consumed 24/7 with her for weeks or months. A break now that your parents have caregivers in place you are all happy with might help both you and your dad break some of that cycle.
You should tell him to stop should let him know he can call you once a day, either in the morning or Evening to let you know how things are going.
Let the Home Health Care call you if there is an Emergency.
Twell your Father that having your mom go to the ER is a lot of unnecessary stress on her and let the Nurse decide when it is an Emergency.
You can also set up a camera as I did in my 95 yr old Father's Home to see for yourself what goes on.
HOWEVER, it could be time for him to be put on something like Zoloft - talk to the HomeHealthCare workers and ask them for assistance with your father. They see a lot more of what you are dealing with than the average person. I feel they will gladly offer you advice if you only ask for it.
I think that I would be calling him out when he says his manipulative nasty comments. "Don't you care about your mother?" "Ya know dad, I am done with you questioning my love for my mother based on jumping when you call, so stop! You promised to take care of her, do you not love her because you won't drive the 5 minutes to get her meds?" Turn his behavior back on him when he pulls that garbage. Tell him when he is crossing lines, it is okay to tell him to stop. It can be done softly and firmly, it doesn't have to be confrontational or harsh.
I really hope that you can get them in an AL, he is obviously in over his head, but tearing you up doesn't help the situation. Ordering you about makes him feel like he is in control and he is not, but based on his viewpoint you will never hear him say that, he will continue to exert control by ordering you about, so only you can stop jumping when he barks his orders.
My dad throws a perfect imitation of a 3 year old tantrum when we are battling this behavior, when you aren't sucked in it is really entertaining to watch where they will go to manipulate.
Hugs to you, this is never easy.
Joanne
Louisville, KY
Taking an antidepressant has helped her immensely. She has been on Xanax but her doctor wants her to reduce it because of risk of falls. So far, her anxiety is still very low while we slowly reduce the Xanax dose. She has mild dementia too.
So, so far, the antidepressant has been invaluable for her and me. Just wanted to share that with you in case it helps you.
It sounds like you have an amazing home health team and that they are encouraging you to set limits with your dad. I think you should really follow their advice and their lead on this concerning boundaries. I would recommend therapeutic support for you with someone who truly understands how difficult caregiving and family dynamics are. Maybe try a local socialworker/caremanger who specializes in this area. they might be able to give you referrals.
best wishes
Setting boundaries while CNA around, is a good idea to help Dad accept arrangements you put in place.
Best wishes for all of you!
Maybe your father can NO LONGER care for your mother if this is how he acts? Not a qualified caregiver?
Um. In what sense are you unavailable if you're answering your Dad's panic-stricken phone calls?
BE unavailable! Let the CNAs know that if there's a genuine emergency *they* can text you, but don't answer your father's calls. Change your settings so that your father's calls have a different ringtone and you'll know which ones to dismiss.
Panic is the word. Your father is very afraid for your mother and he wants you holding his hand all the time because you are the next most important person and he wants you there in a huddle with the two of them. No substitute accepted!
That doesn't mean it's necessary or helpful for you to comply with his every request. But instead of butting heads, say "yes" and then carry on with your original plan regardless - i.e. reassure him, and then do the sensible, practical thing anyway.
E.g. with the meds. You knew when they were actually needed (bedtime). You knew when it was sensible to pick them up (after the traffic had died down). Dad only knew that he wanted them in the house, right now, where he could see them so that he could stop worrying - with his poor heart going pit-a-pat the whole time - that there'd be some snag about their collection.
You had quite a lot of options there. Would your father be physically able to get to the pharmacy? - while the CNAs were there, he could have done it himself. "No, sorry, I won't be able to get them until about six. If you want them straight away, go now while the ladies are there to keep an eye on mother."
Or, "Yes, Dad, I will collect them at six o'clock in good time for mother's bedtime. It's all arranged with the pharmacist, I don't think the px will be ready 'til then." The bits to emphasise are the "yes" and the "it's all arranged." Focus on the reassurance.
Try to spot the pure emotional blackmail - "don't you CARE????" - and don't give it a moment's thought. Never criticise your father when he's only afraid, so don't retaliate or get into an argument about it, but try not to react to silly accusations.
You've put me in mind of a fight I had with my mother when I was driving her car, with her in the passenger seat and Daughter 2 in the back. The car's fuel gauge has six blocks. Mother's habit was to refuel whenever it got down to three blocks (with about 200 miles in the tank). The gauge flicked down to three, she wanted to stop for fuel, we were ten miles from home, I didn't want to stop, mother started bleating with anxiety about it, I stood firm, on this went for several minutes until Daughter 2 piped up from the back: "can we just get the f***ing fuel, please!"
Mother and I both clammed up and I stopped at the next service station, so in that peace and quiet followed her intervention D2 was correct. Moral: pick the right battles :)
Thinking ahead, though. How sustainable is your parents' situation, even with the good care, would you say? What are the next steps?
Almost funny when you discover this through observations.
2. This is a ridiculous situation. There are professional carers in the house so there is absolutely no reason why he has to always be there at the same time. Is there any way you could get him to believe the carers have ''secret women's business'' to attend to with your mother, and that he is stopping your mother from participating in that business? Here in Australia, the utterance of those 3 words usually sends men scurrying, ditto for women when it is secret men's business. At least that should allow you to focus on your work during business hours.
3. You are allowing yourself to jump to attention when your father calls. This is called guilt. It is easier said than done, but for your own sanity you need to be unavailable - and stay unavailable - despite his pleas or attempts to guilt you into action. Let the ambulance sort out all the issues. If he has to drive, so be it. Just turn off the phone and do not respond. Do it in small doses - perhaps an hour every Tuesday becomes two then three then four hours, and so forth.
4. If all this fails, then in 1970s terms I am afraid your father must be a manipulative male chauvinist pig. Being at his beck and call is not the women's work he claims, it is straight out bloody-minded laziness and disrespectful of your needs. He made his bed, now he has to lie in it.
Also, because you've stated your Dad seems to have forgotten about your schedule and is overreacting to things, he probably is struggling with cognitive issues and should maybe have a test by his doc. You can no longer interact with your "old dad". He is being replaced by a "different dad" and you need to remember this as you are speaking with him and he is being "illogical". You can't logic him back to his old self. May you have peace in your heart through this journey.