She refuses to accept that I am two houses down and a phone call away for anything that she needs done. She has also become somewhat disrespectful to my wife and seems to have become passive aggresive. Any suggestions as to how I can get her to stop trying to prove that she can still do the things that she used to do when younger?
There is not much you can do.
You can wait for some catastrophic event that will limit her mobility more and possibly place her in rehab and eventually in Long Term Care be that Skilled Nursing or Assisted Living. (or caregivers in her home)
Now if you were to have indicated that mom has cognitive issues either diagnosed dementia or just "MCI" (mild cognitive impairment) you, if you are her POA might be able to have her placed in Memory Care but you do not indicate there is a memory problem. So the fact that she is cognizant you are limited as to what you can do.
I am not quite your mom's age and I also do things I should not do from time to time. And I can tell you that it is because
1) I can be stubborn.
2) I hate asking for help. My daughter works, her husband works and the eldest grandson is in college, they are all busy the last thing they need is a list of things to do for me.
Part of asking for help is the admission that you are getting older and no one wants to admit that.
The one suggestion I have is pick a day of the week. Whatever day is easiest for you.
That day will be "mom's day"
Go over that day and do some of the stuff that needs to be done. If nothing needs to be done spend a bit of time with her just talking. Maybe she tries to get things done so when you do come over she can spend time while you are not busy doing things for her.
But some projects defy even Senior Physics, and then I have to ask for or hire help.
This is unlikely to work. She probably has some cognitive decline as evidenced by her personality changes.
Do yourself, your wife and your mother a favor by hiring a helper/companion like a "Visiting Angel."
No one around me will do it for less than 12 hours/week, and we (my sisters and I) have no idea what that person would do with mom for 12 hours!
please pop in daily and fit cameras so you can watch her from afar. Try a two way communication button where she knows she can just press for support, should she need it.
I look after my 94 year old father and your heart yearns for their strength as you watch them decline, so please keep your mum as active as she can be, safely, without restrictions. Plus you need to stay strong and guide all family around you, it is a tough place to be in and unless you’ve been there friends and family members do not really understand. So you need to take care of you too….it’s so important.
So it would be nice to SEE if she's lying on the floor somewhere, or just sitting in her chair.
May I suggust that there are connections (assumptions) made in that sentence that maybe your Mom disagrees with?
"She refuses to accept that I am two houses down.."
Mom knows where you live.
"and a phone call away.."
She knows that too.
"for anything that she needs done".
THAT. Stop there.
She doesn’t WANT you to do it.
Hence the anger.
No-body likes to be bossed around, made to feel old or useless, have their daily work taken away.
I'm sure your intentions are good - Safety.
Maybe discuss with Mom what she wants to stay independant with, what chores she would like to do with someone's assistance & what tasks would be sensible to delegate.
Eg Choose her grocery items, light dusting independantly.
Order groceries with someone to help, wash the clothes with help.
Delegate grocery delivery.
Delegate mopping floors.
Anyway just ideas.
If Mom has become like a teenage risk taker, up ladders or walking alone at night you have a very different situation.
This to me sounds like a son who is propping up his mother's fantasy that she is independent, when she is clearly not independent.
You don't want to become her go-to for every little thing. It's unnecessary and will create burnout really quickly.
Mom being disrespectful to your wife could be related to cognitive decline or dementia. I think you and your wife should assume that and not take it personally. If you think it's intentional, then look into boundary setting to help her cut down on it.
Best of luck.
No elderly person wants to be totally dependent upon someone else. If you are not there at the moment at her beck and call, then the moment is lost. In elderly people, we learn quite quickly that if we don't do it now, we may never remember to do it, until it is too late.
What I suggest is that you help her redesign her space, so that everything is within her reach. Any high shelves, just make them inaccessible so that she cannot store anything there.
About being disrespectful to your wife, that is something you do need to take care of now. When did it start? What does she say? Your Mom might be trying to draw a line so that she knows where she in your priorities. It helps your Mom's confidence to know that you are there at her beck and call. However, she might be trying to be your #1 woman. Unless you are planning for a divorce, set down clear boundaries about what you will and will not tolerate between your Mom and your wife.
If she is unsafe in her own home, you might have to make the hard decision to move her elsewhere. Elsewhere is NOT your home. Do NOT do that to your wife, unless you are planning for conflict and a potential divorce.
Not necessarily true.
I agree never move mom into your home and if she needs facility placement do it sooner rather than later.
I visit my mom weekly - she lives 1 hour drive away. I take her around town for her errands and chores. My husband has agreed to help monthly with repairs. This is working for us for now. In the future, I expect to visit mom twice a week as her vision/memory gets worse. When she needs me 3 times a week, we'll talk with her about other home arrangements (someplace closer).
My FIL decided to crawl around on his deck, wearing shorts and scraped up his legs really bad. He is now hospitalized with cellulitis and the antibiotics are not working. It may very well be his cause of death.