I volunteered to help my 94y/o mother do taxes and bill-paying online because she has poor eyesight due to macular degeneration and forgetfulness. I've done this for 4 months and have everything organized. The problem is that my mother seems to think I am either being dishonest or incompetent. I thought she would relax and not have to worry about these things but it seems like not being in control makes her even more anxious.
Perhaps you could help her do them her way instead of changing things she is comfortable with. Just a thought.
No, she did not get to 94 because she made good decisions for herself.
She got to 94 because she's damn lucky. Or because she has good genetics and didn't get sick with cancer or some other terminal illness at a young age.
She's not still independent though. The stealing and incompetence accusations about the adult child who is trustworthy and who actually helps her, is a real indicator of how not independent she is.
If she needs something to be in charge of let her organize the paperwork for the taxes but tell her that the tax guy needs to get her the most money back and the best deductions.
She can also be in charge of setting up her kitchen putting the cans in order or get her into a hobby - painting something easy organizing paint supplies. Gardening organizing the supplies. Try and get her mind off the money part. My example - my daddy was so worried about his money he wanted it at the facility he was in and I told him he could not have it but it was safe under the house and no one (I would whisper) knew where it was. I took a picture of a box under the house and told him the money was safe. Blessings
Then leave her in the mess she makes. Let her explain to the IRS when she gets audited. Let the electric company turn her lights and gas off for lack of payment. APS will come and she will have to accept help then. Or accept placement in a supervised living facility.
I am sorry to say that many adult children are living in constant crisis mode waiting for the other shoe to drop with our parents. For the next catastrophe to happen. Many times the only thing for it is to let it happen.
Usually things have to get a whole lot worse with an elder before they can get better and any actual plans can be made to suit their growing needs.
Take a step back and let her do it her way for a while.
I would supply her with printed information as to what you are doing, that seems to calm them down, don't forget they did not grow up in the digital age.
My mother is 98 and she still wants to see her checking account statement, so it is sent to her, my brother and I view it online if need be.
I don't do any online personal banking either.
Sometimes MeDolly, we have to let the other shoe drop with our elderly parents. Otherwise no real plans for their futures and care can get made.
Don’t make it obvious you’re doing it.
You can lie: example:
”I didn’t do your taxes. It turns out that from age 94, the government automatically does it for you.”
Your mom isn’t thinking straight: she’s forgetful. You must decide what’s best to do. You take over.
YOU know whether you’re doing it “dishonestly or incompetently”. If you know you’re doing it right, just continue.
Just a thought.
Has mom been seen by a geriatric psychiatrist or neurologist, or neuropsych for evaluation?
For some folks, repeated reassurances can be enough. For others, medication can help.
My mom’s vision wasn’t as good as it used to be, plus her tremors from her Parkinson’s disease didn’t allow her to write very well. She missed being able to send emails back and forth to her brother in another state. As her Parkinson’s disease progressed she couldn’t use her laptop.
My mother mourned for her loss of ability to function as she did before. Still, she liked being updated on situations and was grateful that I was able to help her.