My paternal grandparents (both 85) have stayed home since the start of the pandemic. Before, they both had been going downhill physically in recent years. But since then, their decline has gotten much quicker and more noticeable. My grandmother needs constant attention to wounds on her legs (she can’t bathe anymore because of them and she needs her bandages changed 2x every day), and my grandfather, who has bad knees, has gotten a little dementia-ish (sundowning), and is now mainly in a wheelchair after falling and fracturing his hip recently. With the start of Covid, their longtime housekeeper (who I’ve known all my life) began also taking on caregiver type duties, and since then she’s become my grandmother’s primary caregiver and is typically there 24 hours a day, 7 days a week now, after their doctor said sometime in the last year that they should have around the clock care. My grandfather now has a male caregiver since he now needs more intimate help since his fall. Though the lady I know is there the most, there is also another lady who comes in 2 days a week to relieve Doreen (the one I know) at certain hours. I’ve always felt a bit awkward meeting her, because unlike Doreen, I don’t know her. And I expressed that to my dad and stepmom as soon as she began helping, that I would feel awkward meeting her if I were to visit my grandparents when she was there. This has caused some tensions between me and them, so I thought I’d ask on here for help. They’ve called me “cold,” “uncaring,” etc. for preferring to visit when I know it will be Doreen, to avoid the awkwardness. And guess what else? My best friend passed away unexpectedly last April, and my dad went to see my grandparents shortly afterwards. He KNEW I was feeling awkward about meeting the new (then) lady, and he played my eulogy at the funeral for them when she was there. So, what next? She tries to send me a sympathy card. Yes, I appreciate the gesture and that’s very kind and thoughtful. However, I wish my dad could have shown them when it was Doreen, who I’ve known since I was little and have always liked. My dad and stepmom have told me repeatedly that I am being a bad grandson by not visiting on days when I know it will be the caregiver whom I don’t know, and I’ve told them all it is is awkwardness. I’m also not one to sugarcoat things - I always tell it like I see it, and I understand that’s not everyone’s style. I love my grandparents, and that’s the most important thing. So, what can I say/do to ease these tensions and maybe come off as less harsh (to them)? Or better yet, do you have any tips on dealing with awkwardness about visiting my grandparents because of unfamiliar (to me) caregiver(s)?
Thanks,
Jack
I hope that housekeeper is being paid well. If not, she is being used. No one should be putting in 24/5 care.
Grandmoms wounds should also be seen by a woundcare nurse.
These situations are tough on everyone, grandchildren included. But try your best to put yourself in your parents' shoes. They're coordinating your grandparents' care, dealing with shifting caregiver schedules, calling agencies like the IRS, Social Security, and Medicare on their behalves (which can be incredibly stressful), worrying about what happens if one grandparent needs an additional level of care, trying to keep up the house in a way that doesn't make waves. They're exhausted, and they're putting on their coats to go over there as a family, perhaps around the holidays ... and son/step-son announces that he doesn't want to go, because the wrong caregiver is there.
I don't say this to judge you or make you feel bad, but do you see how them having to align family visits around when the favored caregiver is there is just one more headache they really don't need?
I'm also not saying just put up and shut up, but maybe you could be proactive in finding a solution. Pick a day when Doreen will be there, and say "Hey, I know you didn't like that I didn't come along to see them last Sunday, so I decided to go on my own on Thursday. That's a good day for me, and I do think it's important that they see me sometimes. If anyone wants to come along, feel free. I'll pick up grandpa's favorite donuts on the way."
I still agree with the others that it would be best if you just get used to the new person, but if you feel that strongly about it, there are ways that you can take charge and find solutions that may work for everyone. That would be better than just adding to what's already an enormous burden for your family. Find a way to make it easy on them.
Make the effort to be friendly, not to say whatever comes to mind without thinking it through for a moment, and to be a positive and encouraging part of the team.
You will lead a very narrow life if you avoid awkward situations.
Just like any new people we meet along life's path, we have to spend time with them to get to know who they really are and what they're about.
Are you also awkward when meeting new people/friends when out and about, and when you start a new job, and have to meet new people, or is it just this particular caregiver?
This person will always be "unfamiliar" to you until you take the time to get to know her. And the only way you will get to know her is by spending time at your grandparents when she is there. You may want to give it a try. You may just find that's it's really not as hard or awkward as you initially thought.
And your grandparents aren't going to be here forever you know. You certainly don't want to look back and have any regrets regarding your spending time with them,
You can do this. Your not a bad grandson and your parents should help you pave the way to getting to know this CG instead of telling you what you're doing wrong. That gets our hackles up! I'm a tell it like it is person myself so we need to do things OUR way. Figure out what YOUR way is, and then go for it.
Good luck! 😁
Jack