My sister has had serious paralysis issues for 50 years, since a stroke at age 26, but is very intelligent and personally capable. BIL was a good man who was very successful and made a lot of money, but he was difficult and very dominant. Their two sons both have had major issues with him, are both under-achievers in their 50s, and their relationships with their mother (ie my sister) have been very difficult because of this. Both sons live 1000 kms away, but BIL and my sister have two houses (one there and one here where they grew up), and the death was here. They are both here now, but heaven only knows what happens after the funeral later this week. My sister, aged 75, will make her own decisions, and all I can do is be a sounding board and provide any information she doesn’t have. I probably know all the options, but I would be very glad to be reminded of them from personal experience of other people on the site (the upsides and the down sides, and money being basically no object), plus a little sympathy. I have known BIL since I was 12, 60 years ago, and it is hard for me too.
In the immediate future, I would recommend continuing the in home care giving support your sister and BIL must have had prior to his death while your sister considers her options including living at home with care giving support, IL with support or AL. I would recommend either IL with support or AL because of the greater socialization and easy access to additional services as needed.
Does she want to stay in her hometown or go back to where her children live? I had a relative who continued her "snowbird" lifestyle after a stroke, remaining in FL living in an AL but summering in her TN home with care giving support where most of her children and grandchildren were located for almost a decade. When she couldn't handle the travel anymore, she decided to relocate to TN and managed with some family and paid in home care giving support until her death a few years later. Paid care givers came in the morning and stayed the day helping with bathing and dressing, cooking, laundry and other light housekeeping. Family came by to help with supper and getting ready for bed; in later years rotating family members stayed overnight in a guest room.
In any case, major decisions should not be made in the immediate aftermath of a death unless absolutely necessary. Stabilize care in place and then consider the options. When resources are available, there are a lot of good options.
Im so sorry your BIL has passed on. BILs can have a special place in our hearts. Especially ones you’ve known for most of your life. I’ve only one of four left. But the one I basically grew up with is the one I mIss the most and he also had his issues.
My husband feels the same way about the BIL who was closer to him than his own brother.
It’s wonderful your BIL provided so well for your sister.
While your BIL was ill with cancer, how did sisters household function? Was she his caretaker, he hers? Did they have help that will stop now? Are the two sons living with your sister? Do they have spouses with them?
The only universal wisdom I can pass along is it’s often a good thing for a recent widow to NOT make major decisions immediately. Hopefully her sons won’t pressure her while they are visiting. Perhaps they intend to move in with her? Would she like that?
. Each person that passes tugs us forward on our own journey. I know you are glad he is no longer suffering.
Hugs to you Margaret