HI, I am not sure If its OK to ask for emotional support and or advice.
But I am close to losing it...and my fight for my partner almost because he doesn't fight for himself...
His father is dying. Had cancer for 2.5 years now. He went on holiday...treatment was delayed by 8 months due to covid...long story short.
Now stage 4 bowel cancer. Has a stoma/colotomy bag and catheter. Can barely hold his phone due to weakness so moving or sitting himself up even is impossible.
He had hospital bed... hospice doesn't seem to be an option as we live in Spain and it's just not how it works here unless you are very rich/privileged.
Now the reason I'm freaking out is because my other half has cared for him, been there 4 to 5 times a day for 5 weeks. Slept there a week or almost 2 right after the catheter was placed 2 months ago. 13 days ago we caught covid. My sister in law who lives in Wales flew over here to care for him... she stays and slept in his house the past 10 days of course because convenient for everyone. In meantime in which us 3 were isolated not allowed to leave our property. So my partner could not care for him. Good job of sister in law.
Now she has said he needs to stay overnight from now on . I agree he can't be alone overnight. I have seen him today ...doesn't look good at all. and doctor said it mostly like will be weeks before he passes...not months.
But I am 4 months pregnant. Got tendicy to thrombosis have to inject myself with clexane to prevent blood clots. And got herniated disc which sometimes acts up badly causing bad sciatica. I have generalised anxiety disorder... we don't tell the fam this but they know I am prescribed valium approved and recommended by the gynecologist and physiatrist together to keep baby safe from panic attacks. Not been taking it as much as with our first child I have more control now and feel I simply can't allow myself to break down...I now am a mother after all. I was afraid of needles last pregnancy, I've conquered that fear now too. So as a person I have grown hugely.
However...I have been spotting the second half of isolation. And today. Some pink I wiped away. And brown dicharge in my pad I've had 5 times a bit in the last week. No actual flow usually comes out when I cough...I do cough quite a lot still because of being just post covid...
I feel I need to go hospital check up tomorrow.
But sister in law laid the law down earlier that luke has to take over his old and her past 10days duties care for his father... but...as a pregnant woman...not having the greatest stable body or stable history I'm really worried with this bleeds and said to him that we should have mentioned our concerns about her solution...or order that My partner has to stay there. He will maybe see his son half an hour a day....for as long as his father lives...which could be 2 days...or 2 months. No weekends off nothing... and me maybe 2 hr a day.
I reckon I might be told to not lift our child for a while because of the bleeding. And possibly been told to have bedrest...
Even me going to the hospital tomorrow seems to be an issue because how is my husband supposed to care for his dying father and 1.5 yr old at once ? We don't have people who can help us.
But we do have a nurse coming. Only 1 h every morning. From tomorrow
I feel it should be also nighttime live in care. Or half a week nighttime so I get more rest...and my man too because when he is sleeping there he has to get up lots to help his father...which knackered him out last time he did that for 2 almost 3 weeks.
I know he has money...his...sort of GF even said that its odd he doesn't just get private care because he has the money she says...he says he doesn't
and was also an alcoholic heavily, untill cancer treatment. Due to the loss of his wife and my bfs mother 12 years ago. He drank about 2 to 5 bottles of wine a day. Everyday. Often first glass at 11 in the morning. If he not cancer the alcohol would have. Also has narcissistic traits
Before sis in law got here My bf had been caring intensely about 2 months. First week of them 2 months he slept there or 1 two weeks can't remember exactly. before the catheter was placed he went over 3 times a day. And after the week of sleeping there he went there 5 times a day. Only seeing our child of 1.5y old 20 maybe 40 mins a day awake. And leaving me to stress and worry about weight I shouldn't be lifting. Which I really now shouldn't do because of spotting and pretty severe cramps.
Also as he was told by his sister he has to.sleep there now...he will see us even less...and bond less with unborn child and me...it just feels wrong. Or is it ? We don't have fam or friends to really to help us out.
Your bf needs to take care of himself, you and his child. Yes, it's nice of him to help his dad. What is sister doing towards his care in the future?
Do you have nursing homes? Can he go to one?
First & foremost, it would be best to find out if he has any money to pay for live-in care. Sometimes family members will try and force another family member to care for them so they won't have to pay for care and when the sick person passes, they will inherit more. It's unfortunate, but true.
I don't know much about healthcare/elder care in Spain, so I tried to look up some articles. I came across this one. Perhaps some of the names of the home healthcare agencies mentioned in the article could help? https://www.reuters.com/article/us-health-coronavirus-spain-elderly-idUKKBN28H0JO
I'm sorry that you are going through this.
That he is not Superman. Even Superman could not be in two places at once. Your BF cannot be caring full-time for his Father at the same time as caring for his child & meeting his father/husband duties. He will cause much stress to himself & inadequate care to those he loves.
It is a common desire: to be the Hero. But the best heros recognise their abilities, use their thinking skills as well as their muscles & heart.
He will need to stop trying to be the Hero & ask for help from non-family. Nurses, care workers etc for Dad. Paid baby-sitter maybe for your child. Neither of you are on a dessert island. Reach out & find people, learn to trust them & develop supportive networks around you.
Children + elders need a village to support them.
If there really is no help for his Father at home - what other choice is there? He must take his Father to a hospital to be cared for. It is not 'defeat' but common sense.
I do wish you health & peace through this very hard time in your lives.
Once you know the state of your pregnancy, then you will have an idea of next steps. If you have to go on bed rest, then that is what you do. Your husband will either have to pay for some one to help with your son, or your FIL will have to pay for in home care.