Well, the Care Business has its challenges, my client got rid of me because the alzheimer husband threw food at me. What do I do?

From one paid caregiver to another ...... just move on. Seriously. He's already made up his mind. Unless you already have a really close, understanding relationship, his filters are on and you tripped one. It's highly unlikely you'll say or do anything to change his mind, and trying will probably just make it feel worse.

Take the lumps, as hard as it is and get past it. Wish him the best of luck and health.

LadeeC when you say filters, what do you mean. I have been there for four months, and I think what it was, or is, is that he is afraid that I am going to contact Social Health and Human Service because both of his parents have no right to be in that home alone. They are in an area, and if they fell, no one would find them. She is living in soaked depends, the son did not allow me to change them. What I tripped, was the fact that the son needs to face reality and he isn't ready to. Now, my next question, before I started because he was with an agency, he gave the woman two weeks. He said starting this week, I could work an addition $275.00 for the next two weeks. He is not for whatever reason giving me any changes, and beyond that, just last week, he gave me an email stating what a great outstanding job I am doing?

So... I start out months ago, going according to their plan. It was a shared care giving situation, and I am thinking they like her better than I which is fine, you are right LaddeeC, how long have you been in this business. Would recommend the least contact with the people the better? When I would write him progress notes, he reallly said (great) on those, but when I would gently write cognitive decline, there were no more (greats). I am paid to be a caregiver, paid to tell the truth, and if Social Services came to their house, they would be put in an assisted living 100%. The son stated, the father likes to go outside. The father is 90 years old. Weights 90 and is so dizzy all of the time, just walks around and tries not to fall. I have been extremely soft to them. I am just hurt, and never get hurt. Why do I get hurt, far more than caregiving. Thanks for your advice.

By 'filters' I mean: He has a set of expectations and biases toward what a caregiver should and should not do, based either on advice given by others or through some personal experience. Filters are a little like blinders. Most people don't welcome any of us trying to break those down. The real problem comes when our communication with each other fails to uncover the filters.

I see a huge red flag that you weren't allowed to change diapers. Say what?? What what he thinking? Saving money on depends? Ugh. That's not only unreasonable, it's unhealthy and one of the FIRST things we have to do. We can't let someone sit in their urine. Geeeeeesh.

I've done caregiving on and off over the years (I'm 60 now), and have been in my current situation for 5 years. I love my work and am good at it, and am fortunate that I work with/for people who are grateful for my level of care. I'm forthright when I speak about my client's condition(s), even when it's hard. That's my role, as I see it. Although the daughter/POA signs the paychecks and could have me be removed from my position, my first responsibility is to my charge. First and foremost. I'm also fortunate that I didn't need a full on contract. We communicate well, together. But with 'stranger' contacts, the more explicit, the better. And I don't think less contact is better. It actually depends on the situation. I see the POA once a week, regularly, but keep her advised either by texting or phone calls about any major changes. Some people don't want that much information, some want more. Sometimes the easiest thing to do is ask, "Am I satisfying your need for information? Do you feel kept in the loop or overwhelmed?"

It sounds to me, from what you've shared, that you were doing your best for your client. Be proud of that. And, it sounds like he's giving mixed messages. Hard to know why. I suspect you'll never know. And I suspect you're hurt because he's challenging the quality of care you've given. It's hard to move on when it feels unjustified. My advice is: don't take it personally. As much as it may seem like it, it's NOT about you .. it's about him. (That's neither a good or bad thing .. it simply IS.)

Best of luck!! And I hope you find a new situation quickly .. both for financial reasons and to take your mind of this one.

LadeeC

Kaydeb, it sounds as the son gave the lady before you two weeks' notice because he was contractually obliged to by the agency he'd hired, not because he was the courteous type. It also sounds as if maybe he's had a cheaper offer? Or maybe he's got a discount from the other caregiver? Who knows.

What it doesn't sound like, is that you have done a single thing wrong. Keep his complimentary email as a testimonial and, as LadeeC says, move on.

If you're still worried about this elderly couple, and if you SURE you're acting in their interests and not just because you're cheesed off with the rude son, you could copy all of the emails, progress reports and so on from your months looking after them in a report to APS.

But you would have to bear in mind that reports coming from former employees with a (justified - but they won't know that) grievance are likely to be viewed with caution, not to say suspicion, at first; so be prepared to be challenged about what you say. It's up to you: how worried are you about the elderly couple? Take advice from fellow paid caregivers, perhaps, about how best to approach this possible course of action.

I don't blame you for taking this personally. It is very hurtful to be let go when you've done your best, even when you know you haven't done anything wrong. It just shows you really do care - and that's a compliment! Best of luck with finding a better situation next time.

People do strange things for strange reasons. As professional caregivers have advised you move on ASAP. He has something to hide and it is not just the dirty depends. I don't know where you are or who you should call but it is your duty to your patients to call Adult Protective Services or similar in your area. You can do it anonymously although he will probably know who did it but there is not much he can do to you. I know it is upsetting when you are doing your best and something like this happens but forget it and move on and don't mention any of this to future employers. there are plenty of families out there in need of responsible caregivers

Well, I talked to S. (the person who let me go), HIS LOSS!! today, and was very factual, and yes I have moved on. I already have a 3/4 time alzheimer woman I see that is my main woman. They were just two people that I saw a need. But wow, I am really wondering. I am not as upset anymore, because I was putting in alot more hours and work and time than he was paying. I was getting yelled at by a 90 year old dementia and 89 pound man, and screamed at by a 85 year old Alzheimer woman that they would have sit in her underwear all week/ not DAY WEEKS PEOPLE. No one cares for their hygiene. Oh, let me please rephrase. The daughter everyother week comes out and cares for her hygiene !!! S. put that in writing, and I have all the emails, and if that went to anyone in charge of adults, there would be a knock at his door, and then all of the sudden my little payment would seem like nothing, and then my incredible sense of being, and wanting them to be loved, would not look so bad. I know that as a caregiver, we are the one's that get the you know what, and also, we get the good to, if we are lucky. Who would I call. I had been thinking long before this happened about calling because when I first started, her leg swelled up, and he told me "what ever you do do not call 911" That was my first suspicion that you know, he is trying to keep this low, because his parents are both really really in need of at least someone helping, *coming out to give her one insulin shot" is what he hired me for They have money. When I walked in and smelled the urine and wrote him and emailed him, apparently that was not what he wanted to hear. He ignored me in October, I wrote very simple weekly updates, and they were very professional, and that was it. The reality is, and I talked to him on the phone, I get it, I understand the pain of having an 87 year old mother with Allzheimer's Disease, but my mother is not sitting in her urine every other week!!! We placed her with much pain after watching her for two years unpaid, and almost losing my house in a long term care facility. It is hard. It is like this man, never showed an emotional side, when I said that to him, I stated, S. you don't believe that you are the only one dealing with this. What makes you think that hiring an agency is going to be any better, you didn't like the agency because you never heard anything, now you don't like the two (me and another woman) because we are telling you the truth, and the reality is, there is nothing that you can say about my work, Your parents have a poinsetta on their dinner table. That came from me. That is not part of the job, but it will hopefully remind them that they are cared for. Not once, in the four months that I was their between 4 - 6 did I ever see one of their children. I would call them, the forgotten parents.
Hopefully, this adult son, will put down his ego, and pick up a few books, on why you cannot leave and Alzheimer's Disease 80 yrs. and Dementia (anger) 90 years parents alone. That is what he needs to read, because before he knows it, his parents will not be there, and there will be this old dumpy house, the I went into, and scrubbed the floors, and the parents would spit at me, (it wasn't their fault, they were ill), he knows, this, but chose not do do anything. Thank you for letting me write. What this did, was really appreciate the daughter of the woman I am watching and have watched for 8 month's whom has Alzheimer's Disease. I realized, how she very much accepts me into her home and appreciates the knowledge that I do have about Alzheimer's Disease, and her daughter and I go up and down on a ride, when the Alzheimer's Disease takes a stronghold, which is every day, you just never know when it is going to be very very bad. Thank you to all.

Every experience is a learning one. You'll take your lessons with you.

I'm not sure where you're located, but there should be some kind of Adult Protective Services or Elder Abuse agency where you can report your experiences. Whether you do so anonymously or not, as caregivers I think it's our duty (if not our legal responsibility) to report elder abuse. Neglect is abuse. It'll take courage, but I encourage you to do it.

Best wishes for a new year.
LadeeC

When it comes down to it LadeeC it is just completely sad. Remarkable to me. Thank you for all of your comments and advice.

I wanted to update you all on the situation with these two clients that were married 80 with Alzheimer's (Advanced) and 90 with Dementia. I called Adult Protective Services in Washington State TWO WEEKS AGO, and even tried to contact the supervisor, and HAVE YET on the 9th of January to receive a call back.

My concern obviously, is that no human should sit in their own waste for days on end, and I know from the count of the heavily soaked depends that she was changing them maybe once a day if that. No baths occur except now every other week by the daughter. They are basically abandoned, and that is a form of neglect.

I feel I have a responsibility to inform the state, and or when the son tries to hire an outside provider, if the person that he hires is certified they will have a duty. But what the son does is get the minimum help, and states all he wants is for someone to come in and make sure they take there medication and that is it. They do not have a chance to go to the back rooms where the urine is the smell that overtakes people.

Any advice if APS is not reacting. I have someone within the system that I know works there but really want to do it the correct way.

Thanks for everyone's help and encouragement.

And yes, in our state unfortunately 84% of the adult children are guilty of this for monetary reasons, and this couple has assets in the form of real estate. It is so sad, as I am also an adult, and my parents are almost in the same situation, but they are in very good hands, but at a cost. That is the money they worked very hard for, I do not understand some children, I just do not.

Call APS again. If you're waiting for them to call back - after the Christmas and New Year rush, too - you'll wait a long time, is my guess. Good luck, hope you get hold of somebody helpful x

And depending on your state, you may have a Senior Care Ombudsman.