My cousin currently has our other aunt who doesn't live far, come over to prepare breakfast, lunch and dinner along with giving meds, once in the morning and once in the evening. She doesn't stay all day as she lives close enough to come back prior to dinner and her pm meds. My cousins concern is that her mom is left alone often and wants someone to be there majority of the day. Recently she asked me if I wanted to move in since I am currently in the process of looking for a place to live as my lease is up here. She said she would compensate me by allowing me to take up one of the bedrooms (rent free) and pay me $2,300.00 which $300 would be for me to buy the food for her mother. Well, I must mention that my husband also has dementia and I already am caring for him. No big deal. Now her offer also seems like a good idea as I wouldn't have to pay rent and will be able to save money.
Now, recently she called me saying that after speaking with her husband, he advised her that giving me free room and board + paying me a salary to care for her mother who has dementia is ridiculous. She said she will not be able to pay me any amount as the free rent should be enough. I expressed that with the $2300.00 if I used that to find my own place would get me a better place then this little bedroom I am being given.
The problem I am having right now besides the pay issue is that she pops this to me when I only now have 30 days from having to leave my current residence. Almost as if she planned it for me to have no options but to except her offer. I told her if I didn't take the job, she would have to pay someone else to watch her mom. She is a loud talker and will not hear anything I have to say. Except to tell me that I don't need to take the offer if am having a problem with it.
So should I accept this offer of watching her mom and moving into this little bedroom with my husband and no compensation for the care of her mom except free room and board. Which really I still would be saving money with not paying rent but, is it right of her to do this or should I just hurry and find another place to live.
Isn't there a law about live-in caregivers? Any advise anyone can give me would greatly be appreciated.
Sincerely,
Carolyn
Why is she so greedy?
His condition will deteriorate and so will your cousin’s. He will need more help than you can imagine.
Don’t go near this situation. Once you’re in it, you’ll have a hard time getting out. They don’t need your help! If they’re billionaires, they can hire a whole staff to take care of cousin.
You might find this explanation of the rules for applying room and board to the minimum wage interesting.
https://www.dol.gov/agencies/whd/direct-care/credit-wages/faq
Think about whether this is a job you’d do for minimum wage and that you’d expect to take less than 7.5 hours a WEEK to accomplish? If your husband was in day care or in the hospital you’d have no obligation to be in the house other than your hours, right?
Why would you want to work for someone who has already shown their willingness to drop your compensation and unwillingness to negotiate. They have shown you who they are. Believe them.
The very fact that you are considering this means you should perhaps talk to a therapist who will help you identify and defend healthy boundaries. You should also read posts under the topic Burnout on this forum, since that's where you'll be destined.
"the pay issue" ⚠️
"will not hear anything I have to say" ☠️
Hmm. So I read what cousin wants, a changing deal to suit cousin & what cousin says & no listening.
Where is Asking how much supervision/assistance you realistically give? You need to have a life too, leave the house at times etc. Where is Discussing a fair price/arrangement with you? Where is Listening to you for what will suit your end of this?
Set up an honest two-way conversation. If this is still a monologue - being talked AT, it's a non-starter.
It all sounds way too casual. Being hired as a caregiver or moving in as a homeless, helpful niece? Do you then quit your job or vacate the premises? Too vague.
I’d be afraid that the use of a bedroom in exchange for caregiving would soon turn into a 24/7 responsibility. Trapping you.
IF you are seriously considering it: I suspect she needs you more than you need the free room. I might be inclined to say no to see if your cousin dramatically sweetens the deal. Seems ridiculous that supposed billionaires would need you to sacrifice on their behalf.
So many red flags.
But OP, you should get paid for helping. Free rent isn’t enough. If you end up helping a lot, for free (in my case, and in many people’s cases, for years for free; A LOT of helping), you’ll end up angry and exploited like me.
She indeed trapped you by making you think you would get $2K/month and now has yanked any monetary compensation from the deal. (For the record, I don't think $2K/month for doing you don't know what a reasonable offer, either.)
Do you really want anything to do with this conniving cousin? Don't you see what is going to end up happening?
How old are you? How old is your H? How old is this aunt? Did you quit a job to care for your H? Are you collecting SS? Is your H? A pension? Just trying to get an idea of your overall financial situation to understand why you would be so desperate to consider such slavery.
Related or not, there are Labor Laws concerning live-ins. I think you better check out what they are. You are an employee and deserve to be paid. Its not a 24/7 job, you get time off. In hindsight, you could have stored your belongings.
If you think this is a good deal for now, be up front and honest. That you will gladly stay with Mom for a free room but when you can afford a place of your own, you will be moving out. Because in the long run, you can't care for two sick people indefinitely. But I would not even do this unless you are able to stick up for yourself with cousin.
I predict you'll seriously regret going through with this. Your husband has dementia--he will only get worse. Your aunt has dementia and she will only get worse. You, you get to stay in a bedroom ... for free. That's it in exchange for you giving up your life for what may be for years.
I lived with my mom for 13 months with her dementia before she died. The isolation you'll experience because she couldn't be left alone--ONE PERSON--I cannot imagine if you're basically trapped with TWO. My sisters' (imagine this being your cousin) narcissistic behavior destroyed my health for years.
Your cousin has already changed the terms of payment--a MASSIVE red flag. Your cousin has manipulated you into giving up your home over this. I'm sorry, but you're better off moving into a new place and simply tell your cousin NO.
no... cousins hubby laid out the plans... let them figure out how to take care of mom... you will burn out sooner than you think...
does free room n board give you privilege to kitchen, laundry, bath, and yard? Or will you be considered Cinderella?
or agree for a short period and keep looking for a place to rent.
If you saw a job offer that read:
Live-in nanny wanted Work hours: 24/7. Benefits: free room and board. Pay: zero.
Would you accept it?Oh, btw, child is 200 lb. mentally ill, handicapped and 80 y.o.
Let me introduce myself. I'm new here and so far, I love what I've been reading. Anyways,
My name is Carolyn I'm 56 years old. I currently care for my husband who is 63 yrs old who suffered a stroke several years ago.
My husband was a mechanic who was the owner of his own shop and worked that during the day, he also worked a graveyard job as a diesel mechanic.
One night on his way to work, he suffered a stroke while driving. He ended up crashing the car into a light post and when the police came to the scene, they automatically assumed he was drunk.
He was unable to respond to what the officers were asking of him and they took it as if he was that intoxicated. One of the officers went to the passenger side door and pushed my husband out the door and he fell on the ground from that, they handcuffed him and took him to jail.
They phoned me and said to come by the station as my husband was detained due to DUI.
I actually believed them and was a bit upset. When I got to the station, they informed me that they had him taken to the county hospital just to have him checked for possible alcohol poisoning.
So I went to the hospital and they told me he hasn't been checked in yet. I went around the corner and spoke to the paramedics who transported him and they said he's laying on the Gurnee awaiting to be admitted but they have more serious people they have to attend to first.
Once in I was able to see him. As I was speaking to him, his face started melting like wax from a candle. I called the nurse and she rushed in and doctors etc. flooded the room and took him for a cat scan.
Then I was told that he had suffered a major stroke and it didn't look good as he had a brain bleed from it.
Anyways, today he is alive and is walking however, with his left side being deficit.
I felt you should know my husbands back ground to better understand my situation.
This is why I stopped working so that I can take care of him.
Where we live is So Cal in a city called Rancho Cucamonga. Yes rent is crazy expensive. That's the reason why were moving.
My cousin asked me if I needed extra money, that I could watch her mom and provide her with company, meds and food prep. I would bring my husband with me everyday from 6 am to 6 pm. then home we went so that I can pack etc.
She was paying me 2300.00 to do this. Then she asked if I wanted to move in after my lease is up at my apartment so that I can save money on rent and she'd pay me 2300.00 and to me that sounded perfect.
Well, one month before my move date, she did pull a bait and switch on me. Now, I have no furniture and no time.
Where I feel that my only option is to move in, in order to save money and find another place. She thinks I'm not paying rent when actually, with her withholding my 2300.00 that is in fact like me paying rent.
I asked her if I could just work as before but not live there so that she could pay me as before. She said "I CANNOT PAY YOU ANYTHING" I'm giving you free rent!!! So, there is no talking to someone who's yelling.
So there you go, that's everything. My husband has dementia, and he is in the early stage. I feel that I rehab him from his stroke, I can handle this too.
Who knows maybe I'm loosing my mind. I'm just tired and cant fight this fight anymore.
This is how she (your boss) deals with everything. She will silence and cow you into submission. Is she already doing this? How were things when you were receiving $2300 and going home at night?
You quit your job a few years ago, and you are only 56. What is your financial future? What kind of payments does your H get? What do you live on?
There must be a way for you and your H to live which isn't slavery such as your cousin wants. Once you enter the slave cave, it will be very difficult to remove yourself.
Unfortunately your husbands condition will probably continue to deteriorate. Will you be able to care for two people who will need more care?
Free rent sounds great but I wouldn’t do this especially your cousin sounds like she could be difficult and you wouldn’t want to ruin a family relationship over this. Hopefully you can find another living arrangement for you and your husband.
Good luck.
But remember OP, once you move in you’re kind of responsible for her. You can’t just leave after 6 months. You must find someone to replace you, or call APS.
Cousin wasn’t honest to you OP, about paying you. But it would be good for you to be honest too: stating clearly your plan is only 6 months. If she needs a lot of help, they might prefer someone to move in with long-term plans.
If you took this slave job, you would be jumping from the frying pan into the fire.
Move to a cheap neighborhood. At least for a while.
Rent a room from some one's house.
Take in a roommate if you still have your own place.
Move out of California. Check out the rents in other states. Nevada, Idaho, Arizona, Texas, for instance.
Find another job. So many places are hiring. Even a minimum wage job would be heaven compared to slavery.
I got bamboozled into taking care of my disabled sister for three years in exchange for free room and board. It did not work. When I moved away from the situation after I went through all of the challenges of having her placed in a group home, everybody benefitted except for me and daughter. We left with minimal savings and had to start over from scratch.
How is it that your cousin feels that she has so much power over you that she can yell scream and bully you? Did she pay you for your services when you were doing the hours that you preferred? I would look for a place for you and your husband and to heck with her and her nonsense. Let her deal with her mom's situation the way everyone else has handled their elderly parents. People like your cousin work at doling out work loads for everyone else while she goes scott free to do what she wants.
And another heck no to free room and board with no pay. Check the labor laws. Live ins get paid and time off. Your cousin is using your living situation to manipulate you.
Talk about caregiver burnout!
$2000 a month breaks down to $66.66 a day or $2.77 per hour. (24 hours in a day)
I am sure you can get a job almost anywhere for more than &2.77 an hour.
Check your States website for labor laws.
PLEASE do not do this to yourself or to your husband.
(Grandma1954 07/23/23 10:03 am)
6 months is a LONG time. Do not fool yourself into thinking that it's ONLY 6 months. 6 months of hell is an eternity. Tell her (maybe by text or email since you're not allowed to talk) that you can't possibly do this.
You are not THAT desperate. You CAN figure out and enact a plan. Start now. Move to a less expensive area and start a new life. With your hubby. Good luck with his condition. Hopefully his decline will be slow and manageable.
Best of luck.
If you get enough $$ stashed away, you might be able to move on and buy your own place and not pay a landlord anymore. Worse case scenario, you aren't happy there - you have some rent money saved up - you give her a deadline when you have all your ducks in a row to move out. Then she can hire someone for in-home care 24/7...and she might be willing to pay for the care you provide her mom.
She has already shown that she can change her mind and is willing to (pardon the term) "screw you". What you have written also tells me that she does not realize how much work it really takes to take care of a person with dementia. It is definitely mentally demanding (dealing with the person plus what she and her family expect out of you) and will eventually, if not already, become physically demanding. If she were to hire someone for the amount of time she is asking you to be there, it would be over $60,000 per year, and they would have the option, without emotion, to leave.
If your cousin were to officially put you on the payroll, there would be taxes that both she and you would have to pay, which will be taking a huge hit on the amount of money you have left and increase the money she will have to pay. In addition, once you start, you will find it hard to get out of the situation because you already have an emotional attachment. She sounds like the type of person who would just alternately railroad and ghost you just to get her way. Just don't accept her offer. You don't need that in your life especially since your husband already has dementia.
For you, I would suggest that you look into a government program that can help you provide shelter and food for you and your husband. Please enjoy your husband while you and he are still able. You don't say whether you are a senior or not, however, either way, there are programs that will help you and your husband live a decent, no frills life.
Your cousin is looking for an easy inexpensive fix for her mom. This can't be you. Find your own home for you and your husband. Let her find someone else to control and short change for the care of her own mom. Don't do it!