Dad and I have always had a wonderful relationship. We have gone from many calls a day and seeing each other most everyday. After he began accusing me of stealing things etc., it was advised that I step back which sounded reasonable at the time!
That has morphed into NO CONTACT.
My adult children have been and are wonderful they have been close all their lives. My kids keep in contact daily as two are not in same city the one that is visits regularly. Last time she visited him he told her I have ruined his life forever! She asked him not to speak badly of me to her because I am her mother! Is it a possibility that I will never see him again?
I am stuck as to where to go from here. I don’t want to agitate him apparently the sight or thought of me really agitated him! I am trying to come to terms that this is not the REAL him...still?
He lives with his second wife. I have arranged and pay for his daily caregiver so I know his needs are met. I imagine over night care to help the wife will be forth coming.
Really, I just want the best for him but having a tough time adjusting to this NO CONTACT
If these checks can't be done (wife won't do it and/or you can't take him - even a home UTI test could be tried) or they are negative, then most likely it is the dementia talking. All too often those closest are the ones who get the brunt of the negativity/blame. When we took mom's car away, YB did the talking and taking of the keys, but I was the one to get the nasty call day 1 about taking the key and day 2 about why it won't work (I knew she had another key and asked YB to disable the car.) So, try not to take it personally.
I would not give up though. Many times this a a "phase" they go through. Periodically join one of your kids during their visit. If he clearly is upset/agitated with you there, step outside and let the grandkid(s) finish their visit. At some point he may get beyond this fixation and accept you again. Meanwhile, you have your good memories of him - relish those! You can also continue to send cards, notes and perhaps some small gifts. If these also upset him, the wife should let you know (or your kids, if they hear about it) and you could stop those. Phone calls could be tried, but wife may not allow him to talk with you or he may not want to.
You can always hold out hope that "this too shall pass" and your visits will be welcomed once again!
At one AL this niece called the facility about me, so they interviewed mother. The result was that they had to call APS about my reported abuse of her. I guess that made me a suspect. After that I refused to ever be alone with her or even close her door while there. It was hard on my family to go with me and hear the nastiness, but they understood and we saw no other option. Of course I still was called at all hours for every little need or to hear about the staff abusing her and stealing. The facility warned me before calling APS, I think because they did not want to kill the golden goose.
Looking back, I should have limited contact with her much more than I did. I should have worked on resolving the guilt instead of trying to do so much for her. One of the last things my mother said to me was that she never wanted me, but she thought my father did so she kept me. I miss my father, MIL and FIL very much. I do not miss my mother at all.
It does not really matter the reason for the verbal abuse, other than to help you feel a little better. The physical toll on you can be very real. Sadly I also allowed it to also affect my wonderful wife. Take care of yourself and your immediate family first.
Will he have different thoughts of you in time to come, maybe. My mother could be looking right at me and did not know I was her daughter. No matter what I and others told her. When I went out to take the garbage out, neighbors would ask, "How is mother doing today." And I would respond, "All depends who she thinks I am when I get back in."
With Alzheimers, you never know what to expect. My girlfriend's father was a very kind loving father but yet one day, when in a memory care home, he became so angry with her, he began hitting her all over and ended up knocking her down.
Now 12 years since my mother passed, my husband has alzhemers and when he gets a crazy thought in his mind it could last year's. Based on no facts. Anger about his brother in law, he refers to it often. This false thought his mind holds onto, but he can not remember if he ate an hour ago. I have informed all family members of this so that there is not a rif, with them believing what he says, about this or anything else.
So continue the love for the father you remember before his mind took a change. That man is still in there. Try not to be hurt.
Do you have any relationship with his 2nd wife, and if so, how good is that relationship? Can she be of any help?
Med review as advised from JD is a good idea, I would call his primary or neurologist and discuss his recent behavior.
Then he became repentant and apologized for ever saying anything mean. had some better times afterwards although he still kept talking about how much he missed his friends and hated LTC. By the time Covid hit and I could no longer visit for 3 months until one day they said they would wheel him outdoors and we could sit and talk. By then he was pretty far down the dementia hole and I knew that the isolation from Covid had taken it's toll. He was nearly 99 and the first and last words out of his mouth before he died two weeks later was "I almost hate you". After that he wouldn't talk or look at me. And they wheeled him back to his room and then he entered hospice after going on a hunger strike.
As Lealonnie1 said this disease is so cruel to all involved. It makes me sad that this is how I remember his last words after all I did to make his life better for 7 years and how we used to be close. I know it was his dementia and unhappiness that made him say it but still....
I'm sorry you are hearing this from your father and I hope it will turn around. Just say to yourself...his brain is broken. He does sound like he has illusions and paranoia and you have become the bad guy. There is no one else to blame but the one who seems to be in charge, so to speak. Sometimes medications can help...even just a simple antidepressant can. I don't know if you can talk to his doctor about the behavior but it might be helpful.
Step away and get on with life, making your own life quality. Tell the kids you love that they have contact with grandpa and appreciate support they can give, but that you really no longer wish to hear about problems you are forbidden to address; it is only hurtful for you and serves no good purpose.
If you are determined, you can take what knowledge you have to the DMV and ask them if there is any way they can do a driver's test with him next time; in covid-19 times that won't happen either, but hopefully we will not always be dealing with this.
The best way to deal with no contact is to make no contact. For myself that would include my money as well; but that's up to you.
Cherish your memories. Imo, this is NOT your Dad. He's gone. Stay strong.
In way, dementia stages are, to me, akin to the stages that children go through. This is a stage. It will change, it's just impossible to know exactly when. Could be a week, a month, more.
Stick to no contact for a set period of time, then check in with him and see if things have changed. If not, do that again. The change in his mindset can come at any time, it's unpredictable.
You're doing everything right; this is something that is beyond your control. Your father's brain has changed, not his love for you.
Am I suggesting you do this all for your Dad when he isn’t even being nice? No, do this all for yourself. Don’t let blame, anger and hate hijack your life.
As for his wife, be extremely grateful she is there - if he is having these problems with you, certainly her job is very hard. When your Dad rejects you, offer her support — she is navigating an unthinkable crisis.
Animals often isolate themselves at the end of their life. Maybe that is instinct. When one close relative was dying of cancer, all visits from all people were prohibited. That relative did not want people to see him in his end stages. He did not want to be remembered that way. He did not want to say goodbye. At the time I felt hurt, but adapted to respect and understand his choice.
After she had to move to an Assisted Living facility, she was always happy to see us. She became particularly fond of our brother again and would remark when he missed coming to see her (or she forgot he had come).
So, they change and, in some things, for the better.
I can’t recommend life in an ALF/Memory Center- It’s been very hard. I’d prefer that my sister had been able to remain in her home. But, in her case, when she was home, she was worried about people stealing from her.
It seems being fearful of losing possessions is where a lot of the "big" end of life fears get placed. My grandfather did the same thing.
If you have the means to continue providing for his care, I certainly would NOT spitefully cut him off, as someone suggested. I know it's painful to be rejected and slandered, my MIL does it to me, even though my husband and I are about the only family left who will put up with her. You (and your children) know who you are and what you are about, who your father was for most of his life, and how he treated you for most of his life. This is most likely part of "raging against the dying of the light" and at 95 he is unlikely to be persuaded to understand the truth. M. I know it hurts, but for his peace of mind and to spare yourself heartache, staying away is probably your best course of action. Im glad your children can keep looking after him.
My big question is where is his wife in all this? Who she is and what she's about might be a piece of the puzzle.
I would step back after a note telling him I love him, and have always loved him, and will continue to hope for the best for him, that if he ever wishes to see me I am available. I would address this to the husband and the wife. Then I would back away and that includes monitarily.
I certainly could not guess at what got "into" my father. But I am not certain I would honestly care. It is wonderful that he has not cut off his grandchildren, but who knows whether the future will see him do that or not. Dementia can hit so hard that quite honestly the person is GONE, and there is but a shell left, who is not your Dad.
So sorry. There has to be a lot of grief in this, because honestly it is a DEATH before he dies. I think that when these whims hit there is honestly not much of a way to deal with them.
Has his wife spoken to you? Does she have any clue as to what is happening with him? Or does it seem she might be a part of all this?
validation really helps
your reply has really helped a situation that cuts beyond words .
Totally a loss b4 the loss ! I agree in that it is best to back off. I have sent him cards letters all thanking him loving him as he has been a wonderful father but I must remind myself that this is not the man I know !
Strange times however silver lining is the support and luv from my husband and children .
My three kids have a very close relationship which we nurtured through their childhood . Now it has helped us all they all three call and visit when distance outside visits allow .
Thank u again
I have to say I have got my life back never realized how much time I have spent running back and fourth . I miss him
but ... now is my time to embrace my life !
Gd bless u for taking the time to reply
I think Dad needs a good physical. There can be physical things going on that are causing the problem.
Dad is not the dad you grew up with. Sometimes we have to mourn the loss of a person long before they actually die.
My mom is chronically unhappy with me--blames me for the estrangement of our OB (who died 8 years ago) blames me for all the things that 'can't happen' because I won't organize it.
It's twisted thinking. She didn't want a 90th birthday party. Was forceful about it and told me in no uncertain terms not to plan one. (Truth: YOU BETTER DO SOMETHING!!) But I took her at her word and passed this on to YB. He didn't do anything until the week before the day and was amazed that I'd held my ground and not only had not planned anything, I was probably not even going to go if someone planned something.
So, almost last minute YB and YS got something thrown together and in the end she was happy with it.
She never calls me, never returns calls if I call her, if I go to visit I come home with a raging headache. I don't NEED this in my life. This behavior pre-dates any dementia she may be experiencing.
I have already mourned the loss of any relationship we once had. When she does die, I doubt I'll feel much.
Dementia is a horrible thing. If it causes the LO to be angry and mean, esp. Some people are blessed with becoming sweeter and nicer.
I would seek to distance myself, for self preservation, if this relationship is causing you pain. You can't make dad understand--his brain is broken. Try to remember the good times and let those be your solace in this.
I am truly sorry for your situation. It's painful--we lose LO's before we actually lose them.
Also, how long is it since your father's thinking became so distorted?
With dementia, their behavior tends to change from day to day. Your father may wake up tomorrow and forget he doesn't want to see you...........so don't give up and say you'll NEVER see him again, you know? Things COULD easily change. Try calling him on the phone to apologize for whatever you've done to upset your dad. Who knows........it may work!
Wishing you the best of luck coping with such a tough situation.