It's been two long months watching him slowly decline.
So, I live locally and have watched my 89 year old dad decline since my mom passed a few years ago from Alzheimer's.
He is now at the end stage of hospice and I don't think I can be at his home to watch him pass away. It has been a slow gradual process, painful to watch, especially since I watched my mom lose her battle with Alzheimer's over several years and one terribly long year in a memory care home.
My dilemma is that I really don't want to be here when he passes, which could be in a day or two, especially since my older sister is flying in tomorrow who I don't get along with at all. I feel that she can be here when he passes away. Plus she has POA and is a control freak and is bipolar, so I have a difficult time being around her. Suggestions?
You have been caring for your father for a long, long time and this final ordeal is too much. You don't want to be there.
Your sister is arriving tomorrow, you don't get on with her, and you don't want to be there.
So that's two good reasons to make yourself scarce. Is there any reason you might want to stay?
I.ve had enough of it all. Every visit i would hear how lonely and bored he was. He read 4 different newspapers every day, did his word puzzles, played black jack on his ipad, watched lots of tv and would tell me things about ending his life. I would visit even though he would find a way to demean and criticize me.
Most of the time i would cry all the way home.
Yup i.ve had way more than enough! Thank you for helping me acknowledge it!
I’m so sorry you are going through this. Hugs!
POA stops at death. Hopefully u and sister can plan his funeral together. If not. and she takes over, let her. After that, the Executor will be in charge once they have Probated the Will. To handle money and creditors, Executor will need a short certificate. Telling u this in case sister is Executor and tries to "take over" before she is allowed. No will, then someone needs to go to Probate and become Administrator.
The funeral is already arranged bc my dad had it all set up with the burial place etc. And his parents and my mom are there. He even has details of everything in ghe condo he wants donated or given away.
She is executor and has financial poa so with her manipulation, egocentric and other self serving manners, i have no doubt she will try to do something out of line. She has a twin sister that she is estranged from and has had no contact with since before my mom passed. Twisted family dynamics. I.m on okay terms with her twin but hurt that she didnt ask me to join her family for cmas day at least....
The sister with f. Poa wont tell us who the local attorney is, she is such a brat. So who knows how it will all work out. I.m just ready for it to all be over. I don't mean for that to sound brash but it has been exhausting since my mom passed.
Thx again
You've already been through this with your mother, so you know end of life is rarely as depicted on TV. So, if you decide you just can't be there to watch your father die, then say your goodbyes now, and let your sister and hospice nurse(s) be there physically. Just because you may be out of the room doesn't mean you are not "there." That being said, please do not let your relationship with your sister influence your decision. Make up your own mind and let your sister know.
It's o.k. if your emotional journey ends before your father's physical journey.
All the best to you and your family!
If your father is aware and would miss you, I believe you should rethink this, as it is you who would be left with feeling sad about being unable to be there.
If your father is not aware much at all who is there, and is quite medicated, then I think that it is safe to say that you were there for him when you needed to be, and can rest easy about not attending if you wish not to.
The answer to being around Sis is to go grey rock. Be kind, be slow, be simple, be repetitive, be as seldom beside her as you are able politely to be. Take the high road. You will not regret it.
Say your final good-byes to Dad and let him know it is ok to go, that you will be fine. I did that with my Dad, he was in a coma state, and he passed in the wee hours of the morning. His caregiver was with him, and she had called me. For me, I believe my Dad didn't want me to witness his transition.
Sorry to hear about your loss and thks again for sharing. Peace, light and love to you
I am truly sorry about your dad and this situation you find yourself in. Please do what you feel comfortable with. Flyer has some very good advice.
Much hugs!
Thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
I have a difficult sister as well. Let her be there and you leave. Sounds like you’ve done the lion’s share. She might throw a fit but tough for her.
As far as the estate, at least in Ohio by law they HAVE to notify all parties involved so you will be able to find out who the attorney is etc. but she can be a jerk and wait. My idiot step sister waited 3 years, I think hoping her sick brother and or my mother would die in the meantime.
I wouldn't let your sisters presence be a deciding factor of anything. If you want to be there, then be there. If you don't really want to see it, then don't. Only you know what you can live with.
I’m not tormented by the fact that I wasn’t there, but I wish I had been there when they passed.
I was there when Mom took her last breath - and her pacemaker made her take a deep breath. The nurse was so upset because she was unable to turn it off in time.
I was there when my Father saw my mother before he passed - I shall never forget the joy on his face! He had outlived Mom by 7.5 years.
I was there when my DH stared at the ceiling, all over the ceiling - his family was large and they must have all come for him - he was enthralled by what he was seeing! And I witnessed his first wife coming for him as well. He outlived wife #1 by 33.5 years.
I wouldn't trade a single moment of what I was blessed to witness.
I reminded myself that even a rose doesn’t last forever.
sorry to hear you had a similar situation. You are fortunate the two of you could work together. We can't believe he is still hanging on bc he hasnt had any solid food for two months and it's been two weeks without milk shakes and several days now without any fluids. Considering he used to say things like if he had a gun he would shoot himself or put a plastic bag over his head, he sure is hanging on. I cant bear to see him wither away any longer so i wont be there when he passes.
They call this, the 'slow death'. Watching your parent, decline mentally & physically is brutal.
Someone said it here, that your parent will wait until family is not present, to pass.
Our family watched, as my Dad hung on for 6 days w/o food, water or medicine (he lived in an Adult Family Home, who took exceptional care of him). Family was there every day. He passed at 5am, when only staff was there. He passed away 2 weeks ago.
Do what's best for you. Your sibling dynamic sounds brutal too.
When your sister get there.....split. You've done all can.
My best to you, my friend.
I do not have any regrets.
I'm now taking care of my father who is 95 I haven't decided how to handle that yet but I know I will seek out my minister and church family for help. My brother is his POA & finally gets it after years of trying to see how my father is so I will probably let him stay as soon as he gets in town for the final moments.
Do know your father loves you and he will understand and that's all that matters.
I'm a Deacon and am praying for you and your family.
Please reach out to me as I feel your pain!, if you like. ahenley787@gmail.com.
As people have said they do wait for you to leave. My dad was with his brother all day and when he left to go to the store my Uncle passed. When you get home play some music, do something you both enjoyed., get a massage just don't mope around the house he wouldn't want that for you.
Let him know it's ok for him to go be with your mom and that you'll be ok.Prayers to you and your family.
The second I walked out of the room my brother died. I have seen the opposite happen too. They will hang on to see someone before going. My brother waited for his children to arrive before he died.
People know who have loved and cared for them. They don’t have to have someone there to die. If they are very independent they may rather be alone.
I spoke to the social worker about this in my brother’s hospice facility. She told me that my brother was not afraid to die. She said that her grandma was afraid to die and didn’t have any faith so her grandma asked her to remain with her and she did. So it depends on the circumstances.
I visited my dad constantly in the hospital but he died in the wee hours of the morning when I wasn’t there. He knew that I loved him. He didn’t need me there.
I hate to compare animals to humans but I stayed with my cat and my schnauzer because I wanted to be with them. I absolutely couldn’t be there with my greyhound. It would have destroyed me. I don’t feel guilty. I adored that dog and he was well aware that I loved him. All of my animals knew that I loved them.
So as I said, do what you need for yourself and if anyone criticizes you they are heartless.
We can learn from animals. Death is death.
i would suggest making your words as you leave each time words of affirmation. Anyone who has been a long-term caregiver knows there’sa certain sense of feeling like your life is on a really long “pause.” And you are more than ready to think about living and health and all those things that truly are important. But I also know that when that time When your dad is gone, and you think back comes about what you said when you left, you want to know in your heart that you said words that you would want said to you by those who care for you.