It's been two long months watching him slowly decline.
So, I live locally and have watched my 89 year old dad decline since my mom passed a few years ago from Alzheimer's.
He is now at the end stage of hospice and I don't think I can be at his home to watch him pass away. It has been a slow gradual process, painful to watch, especially since I watched my mom lose her battle with Alzheimer's over several years and one terribly long year in a memory care home.
My dilemma is that I really don't want to be here when he passes, which could be in a day or two, especially since my older sister is flying in tomorrow who I don't get along with at all. I feel that she can be here when he passes away. Plus she has POA and is a control freak and is bipolar, so I have a difficult time being around her. Suggestions?
When mom died I felt my role of caregiver was over, and I did not watch her body being removed. I found the most affordable cremation (cost total $800). No services. No need. She was gone. At that moment of death, she was gone and that is that. But while alive I did my very best with her, and she indeed lived a very comfortable life.
Even if you don't think he will understand or is even listening to you - be sure to say it, because I believe that they do understand. Even at the final moments, especially in the final moments. I have not lost my parents yet (caring for them both now, Mom is in mid-stage dementia) - but I did loose my husband to cancer a few years ago. Being at his side was the hardest thing I ever had to do, but not being there would have been much, much harder.
That is why I know that when it's their time, I will (hopefully) be at their side telling them that it is okay to go.
Be there to answer any pointed questions, and don't let her bully you, you can also go "grey rock" if you must, to protect yourself, he assigned her to be his executor for his own reasons, and leave it at that.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family at this most difficult time. Take Care!
It is sad that the last moments had to be dealing with a moron, but as you have said, the healing can begin now! You did what you felt was the right thing to do and now you can hold your head up and move on. The nicest part is that going forward you don't ever have to deal with your sister, if you choose not to. That can be such a relief! Just because you share parents doesn't mean you have to share your life (going into it isn't for this topic, but I am done with my OB and if I never see or hear from him again, it won't bother me one iota!)
As someone else said, POAs end at time of death, so that part of her power trip is DONE. It will fall to whoever was named as executor in his will. If it is her, so be it. You can probably get a copy of his will and see for yourself what he wanted done and by whom. If he named you, an attorney can handle a lot of what needs to be done, with you signing. If he has named both of you, you can work through an attorney, to ensure you don't have to deal with her. The less contact, the better.
Take a nice deep breath and exhale a nice big sigh of relief!
DL
As an RN, I have been, unfortunately, at many end of life events. Some patients will pass when they are all alone. Some patients will pass when all significant others are gathered around. It appears that they time their moments for whatever is most important to them and helps heir loved ones. So go visit with assurances that it will be ok whenever dad passes.
May God give you strength and grieving mercies during this time.
You spent 3 months on this journey with your dad, don't let anyone minimize how very much that meant to him or you. You gave of yourself when it mattered the most.
FYI, POA ends upon death, so your sister doesn't have the power. His will should say who the executors(s) will be. If you are named and don't want to do it, you can refuse. Just so you know.
Take care of you and your heart right now, hugs!
It's okay now. I understand we all have shortcomings....and i needed to learn acceptance....to accept even the harsh, bitter, angry, hostile, person he was.
I am getting closer to accepting these things and to where it no longer matters what he could or couldn't be for me as a father...
Now the real healing can begin.
We all feel for your loss and are here for support, if needed. I personally send you prayers and hugs!
I am so sorry for your loss. I am so happy that you followed your heart and did what was best for you.
You absolutely did not need to be there when he died. You are right by saying that you have done enough.
You were there the most by being your dad’s caregiver. Your sister was quite capable of handling his last hours. She was on her power trip. Your dad knew that you were there for him during all of his times of need.
I am sorry that your sister had an outburst. You were a wonderful caregiver to look out for your dad up into the end by asking about medication.
As you said, now comes the grieving and going forward with funeral plans. I surely hope your sister will behave herself. She hasn’t been very kind to you.
Sending you a bazillion hugs! Please lean on this forum for support. Take care. 💗
So now i am going to sit back and tell her she can decide what clothes to put on him, which picture and what to write for obituary, and what to do with all of his belongings which he instructed to give to salvation army. I dont have the need for control and power she does, so she can have it all!!
Everyone who has posted has helped me stay grounded and centered and have clarity on many issues. For that i am so grateful!.
Finding a way to cope with your sister?
Sending prayers for you, for strength, wisdom and comfort during this difficult time. Hugs!
my sister of course said i was interfering and being a troublemaker and of course said all these nasty things about me, criticizing me omg it's just despicable. I.m relieved the ordeal is over but now there is the funeral, selling the condo and furniture and settling his bills. She has poa so it's all hers. She loves all the power and control and to feel so important. I barely survived this grueling experience!
Please reconsider. You might regret not being there.
Ignore your sister. You are not there for her if she annoys you.
Do it for your father.
After all, you are the one who has been there with your father all this time.
SO DO NOT GO BECAUSE OTHERS WANT TO MAKE YOU FEEL GUILTY OR BECAUSE THEY WENT AND IT WAS RIGHT FOR THEM!
We are individuals that are not carbon copies of each other.
Please listen to what the wise poster from hospice had to say, as SallyB, said, “Some of us are meant to do this, but most are not. That does not mean there is anything wrong with those who can’t. We are all different.” Thanks SallyB.
We can say goodbye in our own heartfelt way if we are not there.
I like your vigil phrase that "The right person was in the room when the person died." That is comforting. I was in the room with my husband when he died, but asleep (on the floor). Shane1124 mentions being guilt ridden after being asleep when her mother died, but it is more helpful to believe the dying person made the choice.
This is the poem:
Holding On
When holding on another day
begins and ends with your dismay.
Then holding on is letting go
of who you are and what you know.
Make this the moment of your birth
for you are made of more than earth.
Let that which is within you sing
It has no hands but only wings.
(Rick Rever
13 December 2017)
Interesting, in that the chaplain said to us -- birth does not just mean when you were born into this world, but also your birth into the next world.
The last lines -- Let that which is within you sing
It has no hands but only wings.
My mom was a singer from childhood, though not professionally and instead birthing and raising nine children. We all sing. The music in her room was set to the Jazz Classics station, always on. In recordings I've made during my visits you can always hear it in the background. A few days before she died Tony Bennett sang "Somewhere Over The Rainbow", and I quietly chimed in with Tony while lying next to my mom.
(She also loved ZZTop, The Ramones, Al Green, and on and on.)
I was in the room asleep when my mom passed. I had every intention of being awake and in tune to the moment. Mom was breathing laboriously- not panting nor Cheyne Stokes - and I feel asleep to the sound of her breathing. When my brain didn’t hear the sound of her breathing I awoke startled, looked over and mom was no longer breathing. She must have just passed.
I think my mother wanted it that way - for me not to see her take her last breaths. I was guilt ridden for a while but got over it in about a year.
Sometimes the person transitioning from this life makes the decision for you, which is what I am trying to say.
I suggest just being with him and make him comfortable- comb his hair, gently moisten his lips. Put yourself in the moment to give your dad reverence at the end.
Do what you feel is right. He’s your dad and you love him. Only you two know of the nuances in your relationship. Go with your feelings. You’re already showing him respect. Prepare yourself to say goodbye comfort yourself in that you are a good daughter.
I am sorry you are going through all this.
I.ve made my peace and dont feel that i have to be there at the end, and i believe he doesnt want anyone to see him take him last breath.
I am very grateful to every person that has responded because it helped me get clarity about what is best for my well being. Watching this process has been exhausting and emotionally draining. Ten times moreso with my mom bc i was very close to her. I have to take care of my mind and soul now.
Love you all for your caring thoughts and wishes.
I had the same fear as you do. Stay with your father and talk to him, even if he’s in a unresponsive state. Thank him. He’ll be listening.
Don’t run. Please face it.
i personally chose to stay and although it’s one of the hardest things to do I didn’t want dad or mom to come out of their comatose state and not be there with them. That being said I had nightmares for quite awhile as sometimes they don’t always go easily.
You do what your heart tells you. Your daddy would most likely understand 🌹💕.
Hugs and prayers