It's been two long months watching him slowly decline.
So, I live locally and have watched my 89 year old dad decline since my mom passed a few years ago from Alzheimer's.
He is now at the end stage of hospice and I don't think I can be at his home to watch him pass away. It has been a slow gradual process, painful to watch, especially since I watched my mom lose her battle with Alzheimer's over several years and one terribly long year in a memory care home.
My dilemma is that I really don't want to be here when he passes, which could be in a day or two, especially since my older sister is flying in tomorrow who I don't get along with at all. I feel that she can be here when he passes away. Plus she has POA and is a control freak and is bipolar, so I have a difficult time being around her. Suggestions?
However, the choice is always yours. If you don't feel comfortable being there (for whatever reason), that is your choice and nobody can fault you for that. You do what is right for you.
I'll be thinking of you and praying for you and your father. I'm here if you need to talk.
Make sure your dad knows YOU are OK with him leaving. I know we all got together and had family prayer and told dad 'you can leave us, we will be fine'. He hung on about an hour longer and passed between one breath and another.
For me, this was VERY spiritual. But it was my daddy. I could handle it. I was happy for him.
AND, he waited until 45 minutes in the New Year, 15 years ago. He so did not want to 'ruin' the holidays---and he most assuredly did not.
There is no handbook on the 'etiquette' surrounding the very personal experience that is death. You do what makes you comfortable and try to keep out of sister's way.
Please get yourself checked out. Those symptoms are more than stress, I think. Just to be on the safe side.
Within a month before she died she said a few things about dying. She said, "I wish I could talk about my death but I don't want to hear it." During her last hospitalization (two weeks before she died), she told me she was afraid. I asked her what she was afraid of. She said, "Of dying. But just shut up about it!" I have audio recording of that.
I was her legal guardian for the last 15 months of her life. So I was the most prominent figure in her life. She hated that place. She said to my brother and me on two different occasions, "This place is driving me nuts."
I spent Thursday afternoon lying in bed with her. She was no longer talking for the prior three days but she was somewhat responsive to me. The hospice chaplain paid a visit on Thursday. He sat on one side of my mom, and I was lying next to her on the other side. He asked me if I planned on being with her when she transitioned. I told him I hoped that would be the case but if not, I'm happy that I've been with her, lying next to her during this week, and I will be ok if I'm not here for her last breath. That afternoon was the first time I openly talked about death with anyone in front of my mom. After all -- she told me a week before that she was afraid of dying.
The chaplain came in dressed in Santa garb. He read a poem to us called, "I'm Spending Christmas With Jesus This Year". I didn't know at the time that this is actually a recorded song. My mom was an atheist. Earlier in the afternoon I read my mom a poem called "Holding On". The poem was written by my x-husband's close friend, after my x died. I read it to her on the 12th. Her death is recorded as Friday the 13th. I read the poem again after I got the call at 7:30 a.m. The date the poem was penned was December 13 (2017).
I spent six hours in my mom's bed that afternoon, stroking her hair and head, and I gave her a facial massage with lotion. I said very little. I left to go to the toilet. When I came back she had a strange smile on her face. Kind of scary, really. Almost like a caricature of my mom. Then I realized that her top denture had slipped down. I removed her teeth. A little while later she opened her eyes, for the first time in three days. Looking straight ahead, trying to keep them open, and moving her mouth. There was a tear in her right eye. In retrospect, the slipping teeth and her eyes opening should have told me that "death was imminent". I recorded this on my phone.
When it was time to leave, I hugged her with my cheek to her cheek, for a long time. I told her I would see her tomorrow. I believe that that was her transition. And I was there.
I believe that no one checked on her until change of shift the next morning.
I am comfortable with her passing and confident that I WAS with her, and especially glad that she is finally out of the nursing home that she hated.
Anyway, I wish you well on whatever decision you make. I believe that because you mentioned your sister and there are more layers to the problem, that making that decision is up to you. To that end, if you feel close and want to be there for your dad's transition, I think that is priority over whatever you and your sister are going through.
Ggood luck and heartfelt thoughts.
i only mention this because I feel like you will feel better if you stand up to her. You have enough grief right now, take some control where you can.
As the sister of someone who sounds an awful lot like your sister, I am giving you the biggest internet hug I possibly can.
Good advice. I never had a problem standing up to my brothers. I stood up, said what I had to say then forgot about it. I discontinued my relationship with them.
My opinion never made any difference to them. I didn’t even expect that it would. They aren’t the type to be real men who are capable of apologizing or saying they are wrong about anything.
With the help from a good therapist I reached a point where I no longer needed an apology from them to validate to myself who I was. I sincerely no longer care what they feel or believe. It’s a huge relief.
to do. Despite your differences with him or your sister. You won't see him again
after this. Be there for his transition.
She has the right to do what she feels is best for her regardless of what others think. She has been there as the caregiver. Her dad knows that. Everyone has a limit to what they can do.
Everyone says goodbye in their own ways. The social worker explained that to us. I was the very last person with my brother before he died. He died the second that I left his room.
His social worker told me that he was not afraid to die and was extremely independent and most likely did not want anyone around when he died. I totally respect what she had to say.
I feel absolute no guilt not being there to see him take his last breath. He would not have wanted that.
I believe that you should take a few moments with your Dad when he is lucid and tell him how much you love him and tell him that if you are not there at his passing, that it is OK, and that you will be alright, and that it is OK for him to let go.
Don't let any part of your feelings on the matter be guided or guilted by anyone else, they are your feelings and yours alone, and are perfectly normal and understandable. Your Dad knows you have been there all along in his journey and he understands exactly how you feel, you are his daughter after all, they do know these things. Hopefully your sister will now step up to the plate and have her own special moments with her Dad, you have done your fair share., and your Dad knows.
I pray that his transition is swift and peaceful, and do know that you have been an Amazing Caregiver to him. Love and Peace to you and your family during this difficult time.
Having said that, there are things to consider. JUST MY OPINION.
Your sister sounds like mine, and do you want it bruited about that you "disappeared" at the last moments? She will say she had to "do everything. "
More importantly, you know what your dad wants or will want as the end comes. He may look for you and you may have regrets you were not there.
But, as I typed before, this is your decision Good luck and I will hope for you.
i personally chose to stay and although it’s one of the hardest things to do I didn’t want dad or mom to come out of their comatose state and not be there with them. That being said I had nightmares for quite awhile as sometimes they don’t always go easily.
You do what your heart tells you. Your daddy would most likely understand 🌹💕.
Hugs and prayers
I had the same fear as you do. Stay with your father and talk to him, even if he’s in a unresponsive state. Thank him. He’ll be listening.
Don’t run. Please face it.
I was in the room asleep when my mom passed. I had every intention of being awake and in tune to the moment. Mom was breathing laboriously- not panting nor Cheyne Stokes - and I feel asleep to the sound of her breathing. When my brain didn’t hear the sound of her breathing I awoke startled, looked over and mom was no longer breathing. She must have just passed.
I think my mother wanted it that way - for me not to see her take her last breaths. I was guilt ridden for a while but got over it in about a year.
Sometimes the person transitioning from this life makes the decision for you, which is what I am trying to say.
I suggest just being with him and make him comfortable- comb his hair, gently moisten his lips. Put yourself in the moment to give your dad reverence at the end.
Do what you feel is right. He’s your dad and you love him. Only you two know of the nuances in your relationship. Go with your feelings. You’re already showing him respect. Prepare yourself to say goodbye comfort yourself in that you are a good daughter.
I am sorry you are going through all this.
I.ve made my peace and dont feel that i have to be there at the end, and i believe he doesnt want anyone to see him take him last breath.
I am very grateful to every person that has responded because it helped me get clarity about what is best for my well being. Watching this process has been exhausting and emotionally draining. Ten times moreso with my mom bc i was very close to her. I have to take care of my mind and soul now.
Love you all for your caring thoughts and wishes.
This is the poem:
Holding On
When holding on another day
begins and ends with your dismay.
Then holding on is letting go
of who you are and what you know.
Make this the moment of your birth
for you are made of more than earth.
Let that which is within you sing
It has no hands but only wings.
(Rick Rever
13 December 2017)
Interesting, in that the chaplain said to us -- birth does not just mean when you were born into this world, but also your birth into the next world.
The last lines -- Let that which is within you sing
It has no hands but only wings.
My mom was a singer from childhood, though not professionally and instead birthing and raising nine children. We all sing. The music in her room was set to the Jazz Classics station, always on. In recordings I've made during my visits you can always hear it in the background. A few days before she died Tony Bennett sang "Somewhere Over The Rainbow", and I quietly chimed in with Tony while lying next to my mom.
(She also loved ZZTop, The Ramones, Al Green, and on and on.)
I like your vigil phrase that "The right person was in the room when the person died." That is comforting. I was in the room with my husband when he died, but asleep (on the floor). Shane1124 mentions being guilt ridden after being asleep when her mother died, but it is more helpful to believe the dying person made the choice.
SO DO NOT GO BECAUSE OTHERS WANT TO MAKE YOU FEEL GUILTY OR BECAUSE THEY WENT AND IT WAS RIGHT FOR THEM!
We are individuals that are not carbon copies of each other.
Please listen to what the wise poster from hospice had to say, as SallyB, said, “Some of us are meant to do this, but most are not. That does not mean there is anything wrong with those who can’t. We are all different.” Thanks SallyB.
We can say goodbye in our own heartfelt way if we are not there.