It's been two long months watching him slowly decline.
So, I live locally and have watched my 89 year old dad decline since my mom passed a few years ago from Alzheimer's.
He is now at the end stage of hospice and I don't think I can be at his home to watch him pass away. It has been a slow gradual process, painful to watch, especially since I watched my mom lose her battle with Alzheimer's over several years and one terribly long year in a memory care home.
My dilemma is that I really don't want to be here when he passes, which could be in a day or two, especially since my older sister is flying in tomorrow who I don't get along with at all. I feel that she can be here when he passes away. Plus she has POA and is a control freak and is bipolar, so I have a difficult time being around her. Suggestions?
Please reconsider. You might regret not being there.
Ignore your sister. You are not there for her if she annoys you.
Do it for your father.
After all, you are the one who has been there with your father all this time.
Finding a way to cope with your sister?
Sending prayers for you, for strength, wisdom and comfort during this difficult time. Hugs!
my sister of course said i was interfering and being a troublemaker and of course said all these nasty things about me, criticizing me omg it's just despicable. I.m relieved the ordeal is over but now there is the funeral, selling the condo and furniture and settling his bills. She has poa so it's all hers. She loves all the power and control and to feel so important. I barely survived this grueling experience!
I am so sorry for your loss. I am so happy that you followed your heart and did what was best for you.
You absolutely did not need to be there when he died. You are right by saying that you have done enough.
You were there the most by being your dad’s caregiver. Your sister was quite capable of handling his last hours. She was on her power trip. Your dad knew that you were there for him during all of his times of need.
I am sorry that your sister had an outburst. You were a wonderful caregiver to look out for your dad up into the end by asking about medication.
As you said, now comes the grieving and going forward with funeral plans. I surely hope your sister will behave herself. She hasn’t been very kind to you.
Sending you a bazillion hugs! Please lean on this forum for support. Take care. 💗
So now i am going to sit back and tell her she can decide what clothes to put on him, which picture and what to write for obituary, and what to do with all of his belongings which he instructed to give to salvation army. I dont have the need for control and power she does, so she can have it all!!
Everyone who has posted has helped me stay grounded and centered and have clarity on many issues. For that i am so grateful!.
We all feel for your loss and are here for support, if needed. I personally send you prayers and hugs!
May God give you strength and grieving mercies during this time.
You spent 3 months on this journey with your dad, don't let anyone minimize how very much that meant to him or you. You gave of yourself when it mattered the most.
FYI, POA ends upon death, so your sister doesn't have the power. His will should say who the executors(s) will be. If you are named and don't want to do it, you can refuse. Just so you know.
Take care of you and your heart right now, hugs!
It's okay now. I understand we all have shortcomings....and i needed to learn acceptance....to accept even the harsh, bitter, angry, hostile, person he was.
I am getting closer to accepting these things and to where it no longer matters what he could or couldn't be for me as a father...
Now the real healing can begin.
As an RN, I have been, unfortunately, at many end of life events. Some patients will pass when they are all alone. Some patients will pass when all significant others are gathered around. It appears that they time their moments for whatever is most important to them and helps heir loved ones. So go visit with assurances that it will be ok whenever dad passes.
DL
It is sad that the last moments had to be dealing with a moron, but as you have said, the healing can begin now! You did what you felt was the right thing to do and now you can hold your head up and move on. The nicest part is that going forward you don't ever have to deal with your sister, if you choose not to. That can be such a relief! Just because you share parents doesn't mean you have to share your life (going into it isn't for this topic, but I am done with my OB and if I never see or hear from him again, it won't bother me one iota!)
As someone else said, POAs end at time of death, so that part of her power trip is DONE. It will fall to whoever was named as executor in his will. If it is her, so be it. You can probably get a copy of his will and see for yourself what he wanted done and by whom. If he named you, an attorney can handle a lot of what needs to be done, with you signing. If he has named both of you, you can work through an attorney, to ensure you don't have to deal with her. The less contact, the better.
Take a nice deep breath and exhale a nice big sigh of relief!
Be there to answer any pointed questions, and don't let her bully you, you can also go "grey rock" if you must, to protect yourself, he assigned her to be his executor for his own reasons, and leave it at that.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family at this most difficult time. Take Care!
Even if you don't think he will understand or is even listening to you - be sure to say it, because I believe that they do understand. Even at the final moments, especially in the final moments. I have not lost my parents yet (caring for them both now, Mom is in mid-stage dementia) - but I did loose my husband to cancer a few years ago. Being at his side was the hardest thing I ever had to do, but not being there would have been much, much harder.
That is why I know that when it's their time, I will (hopefully) be at their side telling them that it is okay to go.
When mom died I felt my role of caregiver was over, and I did not watch her body being removed. I found the most affordable cremation (cost total $800). No services. No need. She was gone. At that moment of death, she was gone and that is that. But while alive I did my very best with her, and she indeed lived a very comfortable life.