It's been two long months watching him slowly decline.
So, I live locally and have watched my 89 year old dad decline since my mom passed a few years ago from Alzheimer's.
He is now at the end stage of hospice and I don't think I can be at his home to watch him pass away. It has been a slow gradual process, painful to watch, especially since I watched my mom lose her battle with Alzheimer's over several years and one terribly long year in a memory care home.
My dilemma is that I really don't want to be here when he passes, which could be in a day or two, especially since my older sister is flying in tomorrow who I don't get along with at all. I feel that she can be here when he passes away. Plus she has POA and is a control freak and is bipolar, so I have a difficult time being around her. Suggestions?
Having said that, there are things to consider. JUST MY OPINION.
Your sister sounds like mine, and do you want it bruited about that you "disappeared" at the last moments? She will say she had to "do everything. "
More importantly, you know what your dad wants or will want as the end comes. He may look for you and you may have regrets you were not there.
But, as I typed before, this is your decision Good luck and I will hope for you.
I believe that you should take a few moments with your Dad when he is lucid and tell him how much you love him and tell him that if you are not there at his passing, that it is OK, and that you will be alright, and that it is OK for him to let go.
Don't let any part of your feelings on the matter be guided or guilted by anyone else, they are your feelings and yours alone, and are perfectly normal and understandable. Your Dad knows you have been there all along in his journey and he understands exactly how you feel, you are his daughter after all, they do know these things. Hopefully your sister will now step up to the plate and have her own special moments with her Dad, you have done your fair share., and your Dad knows.
I pray that his transition is swift and peaceful, and do know that you have been an Amazing Caregiver to him. Love and Peace to you and your family during this difficult time.
Everyone says goodbye in their own ways. The social worker explained that to us. I was the very last person with my brother before he died. He died the second that I left his room.
His social worker told me that he was not afraid to die and was extremely independent and most likely did not want anyone around when he died. I totally respect what she had to say.
I feel absolute no guilt not being there to see him take his last breath. He would not have wanted that.
to do. Despite your differences with him or your sister. You won't see him again
after this. Be there for his transition.
She has the right to do what she feels is best for her regardless of what others think. She has been there as the caregiver. Her dad knows that. Everyone has a limit to what they can do.
Good advice. I never had a problem standing up to my brothers. I stood up, said what I had to say then forgot about it. I discontinued my relationship with them.
My opinion never made any difference to them. I didn’t even expect that it would. They aren’t the type to be real men who are capable of apologizing or saying they are wrong about anything.
With the help from a good therapist I reached a point where I no longer needed an apology from them to validate to myself who I was. I sincerely no longer care what they feel or believe. It’s a huge relief.
i only mention this because I feel like you will feel better if you stand up to her. You have enough grief right now, take some control where you can.
As the sister of someone who sounds an awful lot like your sister, I am giving you the biggest internet hug I possibly can.
Anyway, I wish you well on whatever decision you make. I believe that because you mentioned your sister and there are more layers to the problem, that making that decision is up to you. To that end, if you feel close and want to be there for your dad's transition, I think that is priority over whatever you and your sister are going through.
Ggood luck and heartfelt thoughts.
Within a month before she died she said a few things about dying. She said, "I wish I could talk about my death but I don't want to hear it." During her last hospitalization (two weeks before she died), she told me she was afraid. I asked her what she was afraid of. She said, "Of dying. But just shut up about it!" I have audio recording of that.
I was her legal guardian for the last 15 months of her life. So I was the most prominent figure in her life. She hated that place. She said to my brother and me on two different occasions, "This place is driving me nuts."
I spent Thursday afternoon lying in bed with her. She was no longer talking for the prior three days but she was somewhat responsive to me. The hospice chaplain paid a visit on Thursday. He sat on one side of my mom, and I was lying next to her on the other side. He asked me if I planned on being with her when she transitioned. I told him I hoped that would be the case but if not, I'm happy that I've been with her, lying next to her during this week, and I will be ok if I'm not here for her last breath. That afternoon was the first time I openly talked about death with anyone in front of my mom. After all -- she told me a week before that she was afraid of dying.
The chaplain came in dressed in Santa garb. He read a poem to us called, "I'm Spending Christmas With Jesus This Year". I didn't know at the time that this is actually a recorded song. My mom was an atheist. Earlier in the afternoon I read my mom a poem called "Holding On". The poem was written by my x-husband's close friend, after my x died. I read it to her on the 12th. Her death is recorded as Friday the 13th. I read the poem again after I got the call at 7:30 a.m. The date the poem was penned was December 13 (2017).
I spent six hours in my mom's bed that afternoon, stroking her hair and head, and I gave her a facial massage with lotion. I said very little. I left to go to the toilet. When I came back she had a strange smile on her face. Kind of scary, really. Almost like a caricature of my mom. Then I realized that her top denture had slipped down. I removed her teeth. A little while later she opened her eyes, for the first time in three days. Looking straight ahead, trying to keep them open, and moving her mouth. There was a tear in her right eye. In retrospect, the slipping teeth and her eyes opening should have told me that "death was imminent". I recorded this on my phone.
When it was time to leave, I hugged her with my cheek to her cheek, for a long time. I told her I would see her tomorrow. I believe that that was her transition. And I was there.
I believe that no one checked on her until change of shift the next morning.
I am comfortable with her passing and confident that I WAS with her, and especially glad that she is finally out of the nursing home that she hated.
Make sure your dad knows YOU are OK with him leaving. I know we all got together and had family prayer and told dad 'you can leave us, we will be fine'. He hung on about an hour longer and passed between one breath and another.
For me, this was VERY spiritual. But it was my daddy. I could handle it. I was happy for him.
AND, he waited until 45 minutes in the New Year, 15 years ago. He so did not want to 'ruin' the holidays---and he most assuredly did not.
There is no handbook on the 'etiquette' surrounding the very personal experience that is death. You do what makes you comfortable and try to keep out of sister's way.
Please get yourself checked out. Those symptoms are more than stress, I think. Just to be on the safe side.
However, the choice is always yours. If you don't feel comfortable being there (for whatever reason), that is your choice and nobody can fault you for that. You do what is right for you.
I'll be thinking of you and praying for you and your father. I'm here if you need to talk.
i would suggest making your words as you leave each time words of affirmation. Anyone who has been a long-term caregiver knows there’sa certain sense of feeling like your life is on a really long “pause.” And you are more than ready to think about living and health and all those things that truly are important. But I also know that when that time When your dad is gone, and you think back comes about what you said when you left, you want to know in your heart that you said words that you would want said to you by those who care for you.
I visited my dad constantly in the hospital but he died in the wee hours of the morning when I wasn’t there. He knew that I loved him. He didn’t need me there.
I hate to compare animals to humans but I stayed with my cat and my schnauzer because I wanted to be with them. I absolutely couldn’t be there with my greyhound. It would have destroyed me. I don’t feel guilty. I adored that dog and he was well aware that I loved him. All of my animals knew that I loved them.
So as I said, do what you need for yourself and if anyone criticizes you they are heartless.
We can learn from animals. Death is death.
The second I walked out of the room my brother died. I have seen the opposite happen too. They will hang on to see someone before going. My brother waited for his children to arrive before he died.
People know who have loved and cared for them. They don’t have to have someone there to die. If they are very independent they may rather be alone.
I spoke to the social worker about this in my brother’s hospice facility. She told me that my brother was not afraid to die. She said that her grandma was afraid to die and didn’t have any faith so her grandma asked her to remain with her and she did. So it depends on the circumstances.
Let him know it's ok for him to go be with your mom and that you'll be ok.Prayers to you and your family.
I do not have any regrets.
I'm now taking care of my father who is 95 I haven't decided how to handle that yet but I know I will seek out my minister and church family for help. My brother is his POA & finally gets it after years of trying to see how my father is so I will probably let him stay as soon as he gets in town for the final moments.
Do know your father loves you and he will understand and that's all that matters.
I'm a Deacon and am praying for you and your family.
Please reach out to me as I feel your pain!, if you like. ahenley787@gmail.com.
As people have said they do wait for you to leave. My dad was with his brother all day and when he left to go to the store my Uncle passed. When you get home play some music, do something you both enjoyed., get a massage just don't mope around the house he wouldn't want that for you.
They call this, the 'slow death'. Watching your parent, decline mentally & physically is brutal.
Someone said it here, that your parent will wait until family is not present, to pass.
Our family watched, as my Dad hung on for 6 days w/o food, water or medicine (he lived in an Adult Family Home, who took exceptional care of him). Family was there every day. He passed at 5am, when only staff was there. He passed away 2 weeks ago.
Do what's best for you. Your sibling dynamic sounds brutal too.
When your sister get there.....split. You've done all can.
My best to you, my friend.
sorry to hear you had a similar situation. You are fortunate the two of you could work together. We can't believe he is still hanging on bc he hasnt had any solid food for two months and it's been two weeks without milk shakes and several days now without any fluids. Considering he used to say things like if he had a gun he would shoot himself or put a plastic bag over his head, he sure is hanging on. I cant bear to see him wither away any longer so i wont be there when he passes.