My dad is making plans to move and has become very hateful, how do I get through this?
I posted about confronting my dad about his hidden plans to move, now he is really making arrangements, ie uhaul, place to stay, what he is taking, get boxes, etc. I have decided that if he is really as miserable as he claims then who am I to stop him. I want to be able to choose and have made the arrangements to be able to have my choices. He on the other hand expects everyone and anyone that he ever bought anything for or helped in any way, to now start paying back for what he did for them in the form of letting him move in to their home. If he is told that is not an option he goes on the attack. He asked my husband and myself if we would help him move to our city as he was getting a divorce and wanted to start over, okay, we will help. Brief history or maybe not: 20 years ago he got involved with a young woman, two kids, husband and decided that he would pursue a relationship there. She left her husband and he hooked her up as his mistress, house, cars, boats, horses, fancy vacations and and and...He eventually was found out and wife said choose. Yep, you guessed it the 30 years younger thing. He then alienated all of his friends and family, she was a master manipulator, could not take all if his money with others buzzing warnings. He willing went down that path, told me to never f****ng call him again. Fast forward, he is a 73 year old obese, unhealthy, incontinent, broke old man who has an aversion to a toothbrush. Awful. So of course she finds another victim and he is left with nothing. I could not but agree to help, I was an unwanted child and both of my parents made it a point to instill this knowledge in me as far back as I can remember, so I have a hard time saying no when someone is all alone, I think of the times when I so wished I had someone to help me, I by the way am a well adjusted, happily married woman and feel that I am strong because of what I faced, however the soft spot, stupid spot, whatever you want to call it about helping anyone who asks, with boundaries. So, unknown by us, he had planned to come live with us at our expense and pay the ex-wifes bills. I had made it very clear that we would help him in anyway possible as long as no money was going to help her in any way shape or form. She is younger than me and has her own children, I watched as she drained him of everything he ever had, so she gets nothing more from us. Over the years we have had to pay rent, buy him glasses and other things.
So, current day, we pick him up, move him to our city and 4 days later (He was sick and living in squalor) he ends up in the hospital and SNF for 60 days. During this time is when we found out about him paying her bills, stopped that. Because of his condition and the past relationship, AL was the obvious solution, I found one that has young people running it, he is still 18 in his head, he could self pay, they let him have his dog and all of his NEEDS would be met. Now he is leaving, going back to his previous town and saying We forced him to come here then abandoned him. OMG, I can not wrap my mind around the venomous hate directed at my husband and myself. Is this because of the dementia or just his personality or both? He is looking to me to haul him around, take him to lunch all the while telling everyone that will listen what a no good, lying F****ng b***h I am. His caregivers are telling me I have to take him back because he doesn't have the stamina or eyesight to get there safely and since I forced him to come it's only right. Not happening, he will die back there, no one to care or help, I can't help him commit suicide. Why do I feel crazy about this and is it wrong to want him to just leave me alone. He constantly tells me he is going to do what he wants, when he wants and how he wants. Okay?!?!? All I see are narcissistic behaviour and bad choices but, these are nothing new. I do love him, i just don't want to be treated poorly by anyone, much less by someone who obviously could care less about anyone but himself. Do i intervene or just wish him luck, he has made me feel unhinged with all of his nonsense. Any advise?
Stop taking him out for lunch, if you visit him leave as soon as he makes a nasty comment. His caregivers are wrong, you do not have to take him anywhere. You arranged for a safe place for him to live. If he does not want to live there that is his problem not yours.
I feel heartbroken that he is in the situation he is in, yet I know it is his doing.
I will not help him move, I just can't, knowing what condition he was in when we picked him up, I know he will die and maybe that's what is unhinging me. Senseless tragedies.
You need to decide whose life you are living your life for...him? or you? You are not his parent, even though he thinks he is 18 years old. You are not his parent. Its not your job, and he is not going to change.
But, you are causing harm to your family and to yourself, and you have to stop doing that.
When his wife found out he was seeing someone else, she demanded he make a choice.
Now YOU chose.
The problem with guilt and how you feel trapped, is that he is using the guilt you have acquired (for not taking care of yourself in the first place) against you.
This is the trap that you need to crawl out of, otherwise, he will pull you down with him.
I feel heartbroken that he is in the situation he is in, yet I know it is his doing.
I will not help him move, I just can't, knowing what condition he was in when we picked him up, I know he will die and maybe that's what is unhinging me. Senseless tragedies.
Guilt, oh yea, I feel guilty that I didn't tell him no, I feel guilt that I just want him to leave me alone and I feel guilt that I just don't like him or how he makes me feel and behave. I mean the harsh boundaries I have to set with him, it's things that I never thought i would have to do, I can not even let him in my home because he will pee all over the bathroom, obviously intentional.
You can't.
Let him go. I wouldn't lift a finger to help him. (B/c I get why you are what you are, I'm the same way, a "fixer" and most things can't BE fixed or the person with the problem doesn't WANT it fixed.)
Try to wrap your head around the fact that he can do as he pleases. Continuing to let him bash you, verbally, is just tacit acceptance of what he is--an abuser. You sit there and take it, and feel guilty b/c he's mad and unhappy. It's very convoluted, I have a similar situation with a brother. BUT, when he gets angry and out of control, I leave.
Does he have dementia or is he really just a Ba$$ta6d? Could just be his personality.
Anyway--let him go. Don't interact with him more than you have to and let him live his life the way he wants, healthy or no. Some people, they prefer to be trainwrecks, they really do. It's sick and wrong, but they still choose it.
And you'd be surprised how long people living in hoarded filth can live.
There are really 2 types of guilt.
One is an outer, socialized guilt...we may feel bad if we lie, etc. etc.
The other is our own relationship with how we feel on the inside...when we don't take care of ourselves, when we allow someone else to hurt us, etc., we become separated from our true feelings and we bottle them up. And, that separation is also experienced as guilt on the inside. And we feel bad about ourselves!
That inner guilt is a BIG button that people can push in the direction in which they want us to go. But you can begin to undo that inner guilt by witnessing yourself taking care of yourself and your feelings - as you have begun to do by setting boundaries and not making his problems, your problems.
In other words:
We begin to feel 'guilt on the inside' when we don't take care of our feelings on the outside. Our bottled up emotions become a storehouse of guilt. We feel bad about ourselves. People can sense this. These then become the buttons which people will know how to push when they want what they want.
Is this clearer?
PS: Thank you for asking for clarity. :-)
You can't help having regrets. "Non je ne regrette rien" is a fine song but utter hooey in real life. But the real trouble with regrets is that you can end up spending all your energy kicking yourself for what has gone before, and not saving any for concentrating on the here and now.
Who are these "caregivers" who reckon you should meekly transport poppa back to his original sty? Is anyone with any seniority or powers of decision-making coming up with this "only fair" theory? Are we actually talking about their wishing to terminate the contract? And are you hearing this from them, or via your father?
Because the here and now is that your father is safe, well cared-for - goodness! - he's even enjoying the company of people who cheerfully agree with him when he's having a rant, and who doesn't like that? - and he is largely prevented from being a menace to himself or others. Sounds to me like it's working, no? So what would you be fixing?
Unless and until you are presented with an option that will *certainly* be better for your father than the current arrangement, or forced by the ALF to move him, just fold your arms. If he insists on dragging his suitcases all the way down the interstate, at least it won't be your doing.
And I'm glad to have caught up! You mean it turns out your brother *wasn't* looking forward to his moving in, rolling out the red carpet, hanging out bunting, after all? Well, well. That must have come as a surprise.
MidKid58, I know all of those things and yet here i am. I am having a hard time not trying to help him. My husband told me that "I understand that you want him to have some peace and happiness in his last days but, maybe he is happiest when making others miserable and you need to move back from his reach."
So today is a new day, 70+ degrees and I can do this. I know I can.
Any advise about tomorrow 🙄 it does get easier after identifying the "why" right?
I have read so many posts that have been so encouraging, thank you all for the love and advise you share.
Countrymouse, I'm not sure what happened with my brother, I think that my dad is trying to manipulate him and he had a pretty intense surgery 7 weeks ago, my dad did say I don't know why it takes him so long to recover, anyone else would have been recouped weeks ago. He just milks this kind of thing. I just looked away, the lack of care about what is happening that he is still so very sick and Drs saying another 6 to 8 weeks to be back on his feet. This attitude may have been the breaking point. We are no longer young and it takes longer to recover, that self centered, narcissistic daddy dearest would even accuse him, it's because he wants something from him and can't get it, when he wants it, so brother is a bad guy. He really hurts his own cause by trying to bully his middle aged kids into asking how high when he says jump. Ught, I'm worn out by it all.
I don't know your exact situation, of course, but many times adults who grew up in a dysfunctional family or a "broken" home want desperately to earn the approval and love of a parent they didn't get that from growing up. They persist even if it is clear that parent is not capable of providing that love or approval. Nothing gets fixed and the adult child is exploited and even more unhappy.
I'm glad you went to the heart doctor. Check those things out! But the kind of professional help that would do you the most good right now is a psychotherapist. You deserve support and help healing from the bruises of your upbringing.
Detach from Dad. See him less often. Detach a little more. Turn his finances totally back to him, and if he wants to pay the exwife, it is none of your business. Stop paying for things for him. His decisions, his money -- but not yours! Detach. This is not your problem to fix. You've done amazingly well to have a successful marriage yourself. You are obviously a strong, resilient person! Use that to your advantage.
Detach from Dad. Be grateful for the support and understanding you get from your husband.
So having to deal with something I never saw coming has been a derailing experience. I cherish my husband and the life we share, he has been my rock through this nightmare. He has told me that I need to do what's in my heart all along, praying that I would find my balance before I was devoured. Close call it seems. We both believe that there is a reason I have had to travel this journey. I do know that after yesterday I will find "no" much easier. I may have not been clear about what is happening in the here and now, as I felt like I needed to give history so I didn't get lambasted for being a cruel, uncaring daughter. The issues really do stem from his day to day bad behavior now, not the last 50 years, even though that does taint the current behavior. When you live your life for others, you do want to help someone with a second chance or even a 3rd. That is where he got me, I want a change, i missed that it wasn't to change. I really did think he wanted to change and start working at being a caring person. Yea, dummy me. He knows how to work me like a violinist can play a fiddle and make it sound like Chopin. I do feel so much better about backing away and disconnecting, it is hard when you know they are dying. But I don't want to be taken out with him.
Good luck!
But hubs is still stressed out over every thing...
Thank you all for the love sent my way. It is so needed and so appreciated. I am blessed to have found this website.
IsThisForReal, you have received gobs of amazing advice!!!!
Hot tears rolling down my face!
Your story with your dad sounds just like mine 😲💕😉
FOG big time!! Once identified though makes it all so very clear. Baby steps girl...it gets better!
I still get puzzled though how I feel like I love my dad so much while he still makes me so crazy in the head😳
Sending you hugs dearie💜
Please listen to her! She got her dad into a nice AL. He left. She tried to care for him. He resisted care. She left him to his own devices and APS stepped in (Bella, correct me if I've got this wrong).
Now he's getting the care he NEEDS, not necessarily what he WANTS. There are times when you have to step away. It doesn't mean that you don't care. It means that you don't have the ability to force care on your parent. The State DOES!
Sometimes, you have to step away in order for the folks who have power, the "authorities" to tell our elderly parents what HAS to be.
Hey, we're just kids, right? What do we know!?
Hope you don't mind me saying this, I LOVE YOU!!! 😘
Yes, you got it all right except it wasn't APS... when he went to ER after he went back home, I asked for a social worker, pleaded and begged for help saying I cannot be in charge of my dad anymore. I did make it clear I wanted him to be safe, warm, and well fed but I was just not the one to do it anymore. It was the hardest thing I have ever done... being so ran down and fed up with his bad choices while loving him in the craziness. As I stood there talking with the social worker, I could feel all of you invisibly standing with me supporting as I was spitting out my words. The FOG was coming after me but I kicked it in the you know what!! The home health nurses got set up coming to check on him throughout the week...he didn't like it and eventually asked to go back to assisted living! Hallelujah, it was unbelievable!
I believe IsThisForReal is becoming stronger because of all you sweet, caring and knowledgeable people here. I am forever grateful, AND I am still learning and get strength here every day!! The sting in my heart doesn't hurt as much.
I keep re-reading all the replys here, I love them all 💗 and all of you!!
Going to see if I'm smart enough to copy all these!
We have needs going forward (taking care of kids, ourselves, our retirement). Our parents are responsible for THEIR OWN NEEDS. WE are not responsible to pay their way, nor are we responsible to make up for their bad life choices.
How many of us out there are that perfect?
Sometimes what we think of as love, is really obligation--or more likely, guilt. My mother raised us on guilt. It produced 6 very messed up kids. I only recently stopped feeling any guilt over her choice and the consequences of those choices as not being my fault.
I have no FOG about mother. I love her, but that isn't my motivation to help her. It is common courtesy, no more. When she is difficult, I walk away and take a break.
It sounds like you have a plan in place and can let go of the rest. Big hugs to you.
Tot, I think so, I just see such a physical decline that I had to put my foot down. It's never the ones making bad choices that get killed in the car accidents, it's the innocent in the wrong place at the wrong time, I would not be able to live with myself if I didn't stop him.
Thank you for the hug, they are so appreciated. Hugs back