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I am guessing that if your father won't use a walker, he won't react politely to the idea of a wheelchair?
It would be a great pity if he couldn't continue to enjoy his weekly restaurant outing, though.
Can the three of you present a united front and tell your father that you are getting a wheelchair to use to and from the car, and it's that or bust?
In the restaurant itself, for getting to the table, to the rest room or whatever, there are ways of supporting a person which a physical or occupational therapist can teach you. But it's really your father's co-operation that the three of you need to work on. I'm afraid you'll have to gang up on him.
Although I didn't have the same problem, we did experience a wonderful side effect from using a walker and the portable oxygen concentrator:
People went out of their way to not only hold doors but offer assistance with the concentrator, getting in and out of the car and the restaurant booths. Once I was wrestling with getting the rollator in the back seat of my smallish car. Two young men (30's or so) came over, picked up the rollator and put it in the car. Never asked if I needed help, just took over.
People thanked my father for his service (he usually wore an AF cap) as we entered the restaurant, visited the buffet, walked back to our booth, and left the restaurant.
Other veterans thanked him for his service as well as initiated conversations.
Samaritans paid for our meals. We never knew who they were, but it was heartwarming that people reached out to help someone who was challenged in his old age, but still got out and about.
So agreeing with Countrymouse. Either he has to use the walker or a wheelchair or he doesn't get to go. It's just that simple. CM had a great idea of consulting a PT or OT for ideas.
My FIL was in much the same condition about 4 months prior to his passing. I was his primary CG, and hubby was recovering for about half that time from a serious shoulder surgery....dad wanted to eat out AT LEAST twice a day--it was one of his only sources of outside interaction--but it was exhausting for me. Get him to the coffee shop by 8 am---he'd get a ride home. Get him to lunch at noon, then dinner at 5. I put my foot down after less than a week. Got a friend to pick him up for the coffee shop and I made dinner every night with enough leftovers he could microwave lunch.
I am only 5'2". He was 6'4". If he fell, I had to let him go, no way I was going down with him. He was frequently bowel incontinent--and that was just gruesome, in a restaurant. I'd clean up what I could, and then tip the poor souls who had to "really" clean.
Finally, no matter what, I simply could NOT facilitate dad's wishes. I think he gave up at that point. If he couldn't eat out, or eat with us (45 min RT from his home everyday, up to 3 times per day) he wouldn't eat. He never walked with a walker but did have to have oxygen on 24/7. If we had suggested a wheelchair he would have pitched a high holy fit!!
I do feel kind of sad, 14 years later, that I simply could not comply with his wishes to be 100% independent and eat out all the time--but when you are receiving 24/7 at no cost...and you're wearing your caregivers to a small nub of a person--you just cannot be that choosy. I just wish my DH had said something to be supportive to me in this time--he refused to ever deny his dad anything.
In respect--I do not know how I alone could have made it different, or better. I did make sure he got to the coffee shop everyday, and made sure he was eating healthy meals, and his wounds and healthcare were the best they could be, but he died a sad, depressed man. Not my fault, just sad.
How about you get a fold able wheelchair and add a name sign on it.
Call it (something like) (insert his name) rocket (insert his name) the flying scotsman (insert his name) up, up and AWAY!!!! Something to do with the work he did or where he is from may be.
Tell him you now all have bad backs and cannot do the lifting to the degrees you have done. We get more stubborn as we get older. I expect he is scared of losing what little he has left. Trouble is, without help he has already lost it.
Be frank with him. Since he won't use a walker and has fallen the past 3 times, he can't go if he refused to use the walker. Then call his bluff when he refuses the walker while he is trying to go out to eat. It might take a couple weeks to figure out that you are serious.
We had a similar problem, but instead of going to full-service restaurants, I switched to fast food or take out. Drive through, or pick up the food ahead of time, and then drive to a park, beach/boat dock view, or somewhere with a view. They still get an outing, but you stay in the car. Or sometimes we sat at a park picnic table. It didn't seem fair to the restaurants to take a fall-risk there. Total disruption of business and other diners if a fall takes place, somebody is likely to call 911, then you have a team of medics and everybody staring.
See if you can get therapy in to evaluate him. They will tell him he needs a walker and will fit him for the right one. He can get one thru Medicare. He may do what a stranger tells him. Otherwise, you all need to be firm and tell him no walker no outing.
Does he use his walker at the AL? Does he fall a lot at the AL? When he does fall, is it due to loss of balance, weakness in legs, etc.? I'd try to figure this out. I don't disagree with insisting that he use the walker or else he there's no dinner outing, but, I would check to see why this is happening. Does he forget? Is he convinced that he doesn't need it? I know that with my LO, she started refusing to use her cane, then walker, despite falls. As it turns out, she was forgetting why she needed it. Frequent instruction to use it, helped, but, if not, she would either forget or convince herself she didn't need it.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
I am guessing that if your father won't use a walker, he won't react politely to the idea of a wheelchair?
It would be a great pity if he couldn't continue to enjoy his weekly restaurant outing, though.
Can the three of you present a united front and tell your father that you are getting a wheelchair to use to and from the car, and it's that or bust?
In the restaurant itself, for getting to the table, to the rest room or whatever, there are ways of supporting a person which a physical or occupational therapist can teach you. But it's really your father's co-operation that the three of you need to work on. I'm afraid you'll have to gang up on him.
People went out of their way to not only hold doors but offer assistance with the concentrator, getting in and out of the car and the restaurant booths. Once I was wrestling with getting the rollator in the back seat of my smallish car. Two young men (30's or so) came over, picked up the rollator and put it in the car. Never asked if I needed help, just took over.
People thanked my father for his service (he usually wore an AF cap) as we entered the restaurant, visited the buffet, walked back to our booth, and left the restaurant.
Other veterans thanked him for his service as well as initiated conversations.
Samaritans paid for our meals. We never knew who they were, but it was heartwarming that people reached out to help someone who was challenged in his old age, but still got out and about.
I am only 5'2". He was 6'4". If he fell, I had to let him go, no way I was going down with him. He was frequently bowel incontinent--and that was just gruesome, in a restaurant. I'd clean up what I could, and then tip the poor souls who had to "really" clean.
Finally, no matter what, I simply could NOT facilitate dad's wishes. I think he gave up at that point. If he couldn't eat out, or eat with us (45 min RT from his home everyday, up to 3 times per day) he wouldn't eat.
He never walked with a walker but did have to have oxygen on 24/7. If we had suggested a wheelchair he would have pitched a high holy fit!!
I do feel kind of sad, 14 years later, that I simply could not comply with his wishes to be 100% independent and eat out all the time--but when you are receiving 24/7 at no cost...and you're wearing your caregivers to a small nub of a person--you just cannot be that choosy. I just wish my DH had said something to be supportive to me in this time--he refused to ever deny his dad anything.
In respect--I do not know how I alone could have made it different, or better. I did make sure he got to the coffee shop everyday, and made sure he was eating healthy meals, and his wounds and healthcare were the best they could be, but he died a sad, depressed man. Not my fault, just sad.
Call it (something like)
(insert his name) rocket
(insert his name) the flying scotsman
(insert his name) up, up and AWAY!!!!
Something to do with the work he did or where he is from may be.
Tell him you now all have bad backs and cannot do the lifting to the degrees you have done.
We get more stubborn as we get older. I expect he is scared of losing what little he has left. Trouble is, without help he has already lost it.
Good Luck
Claiming that you youngsters are too decrepit and feeble is also extremely cunning. Fabulous ideas from Buzzy :)
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