After my mom passed away my dad went into a depression. He depended on her to feed and guide him for the last 50 years. I told him he could come stay with us until he’s strong and I would help him back to feeling okay enough to live independently. Well.. 8 months later.. my dad depends on me making him breakfast every morning lunch and dinner. I was happy to do that for awhile but whenever I mention learning to do these things on his own he ignores it. Like he can’t bare the thought. Then he’ll tell me he has all these plans and never takes steps towards them just sits in his room all day watching tv or on the computer. I know he is depressed. He talks to a counselor every other week. Sometimes it feels like manipulation. I’m burning out!! My health has been declining since taking this on and I’m just looking for advice and opinions here. Thank you
Give your father referral to a good counselor. Clearly the present one isn't working.
Tell your father that you have to get on with your life now, and you hope he will do so as well.
You will need to make a choice for your own life. And if you decide to STAY and do as you are doing in enabling this behavior that is one CHOICE of yours. If you tell Dad a date in one or two month time when you are leaving that is another choice of yours. You will, as an adult, have to assume responsibility for your own choices.
You did not create the problems of aging and you cannot fix them. You have a right to your own life, but you will have to CLAIM that right. It doesn't just land in your lap. I am sorry to be so blunt, but I find that sympathy often blocks our ability to get the facts. Again, this is YOUR CHOICE. If you yourself need a counselor to help you make this choice, then do avail yourself. I wish you and your dad the very best and am so sorry for your sad loss.
I had a father like this, Mom did everything for him. I told my brothers long ago that I would never care for him. My DH is very capable of doing for himself. Our mothers did us daughters no favors in spoiling our fathers. You tell him what my SIL says to my brother "I am not your mother" when he is acting like my Dad. If you are getting breakfast for everyone else then why not Dad too. But, if he gets up late or earlier than your family then its "the cereal is in the pantry and milk in the fridge. Please clean up when ur done" I don't eat lunch as such. Your doing something or going out "Dad there is lunchmeat in the fridge and bread in the bread box."
Dinner your getting that for everyone, why not Dad. He should be making his bed and keeping his room straighten up. Cleaning up after himself.
My GFs daughter is always involved in something. I asked her how does she do it. She said she suffers from depression and keeping active helps her stem it off. I would get Dad to the doctors for some depression meds. Then I would tell him time to go home. You need to get back into a routine. You need to learn to take care of yourself. You could stop in daily making sure he is OK backing off little by little. Maybe making a call once a day checking on him. But do not be at his beck and call.
Is he on any meds for his depression/anxiety? If not, maybe time for this suggestion. This could help him make the transition.
He's not going to allow you to have your life back so you need to insist on it. You're not responsible for his happiness. You shouldn't be his solution.
Sounds like Dad is semi-paralyzed by depression and the habits of a lifetime. Before you burn up and out, see about getting better physical and mental health management. Consider assisted living in a small facility (small house setting) or having care come to him in his home (still owns?) He's used to being cared for, there are people to do that for a living. Arranging this care may be one of the best ways to support your dad.
Make breakfast for yourself if you eat breakfast, if you don't don't make breakfast for him in either case. He can pour a bowl of cereal and pour milk on it, he can toast bread....
If you are home for lunch, same thing he can smear peanut butter and jelly on a slice of bread, can heat up a bowl of soup, heat leftovers from dinner the night before.
Make dinner for the family, make what you want don't cater to him. Make 1 meal.
And dad washes dishes, cleans up the kitchen.
Dad starts doing his own laundry.
And just like when you were a kid dad starts doing chores,.
And the kicker...dad starts paying his fair share of all household expenses. If it is you, husband and dad then ALL expenses are divided by 3. Mortgage, utilities, newspaper, property taxes, food, maintenance costs.
And have a serious talk about dad moving into Senior Housing, or IL or AL facility.
OR another way to go about this...
If there is a Senior Center near by get him involved there.
If you can since he talks to a counselor each week make arrangements to talk to the counselor yourself and tell them what you have expressed her and see what they have to say about how to go about motivating dad.
One couple used the self check out where the wife was doing the scanning and bagging while husband stood there Lol
Or assisted living where he gets 3 meals a day without him having to lift a finger . Housekeeping and they do his laundry. They will also give him rides to the doctor .
He’s refusing to learn. He doesn’t want to , he wants you to replace his wife . He’s used to being taken care of , so he goes to a facility that will cater to him .
Time for you to take your house and your life back. It's been long enough now and your dad is a grown ass man, who should have learned long ago how to fend for himself, but as long as you continue to enable him he will never learn.
So time for either an independent or assisted living facility. There he will be around other folks his own age, and will get some if not all his meals made for him, and who knows he may just meet a woman his own age that would replace your mom in doing everything for him so you'll be off the hook.
It will be a win win for all involved.
So start with the word NO, and see where it takes you from there.
It is not that difficult to feed ourselves. Or learning something new i.e. basic cooking class is good way to get out of comfort zone.
Just be honest, tell Dad he should go home. Don’t do his shopping or food prep. He is able to do it like any adult.
Will you do it for next 20 years?
But I understood why Dad was that way. Mom wouldn't allow either of us to touch anything in the kitchen. Thus, when I got married I didn't know how to cook, still don't (I am in my 70's now), so that fear is still ingrained. Same with laundry, housecleaning, etc.
For my Dad, he moved to Independent Living at a senior facility and loved it there. All those chores that he was afraid to do were being done for him (for a price). Except for wearing plaids with stripes when he got dressed :)
You are going home.
I am not your wife.
I am not your maid.
Time for you to make some changes.
I will help you hire a cleaning service & set up meal deliveries to get you started.
Maybe this is a baby step before going into AL ?
Do whatever you can NOT to be his everything! Or even his anything. You can put a stop to it right now, and I hope you will.
maybe a change of routine
leave food out for him and go out
if he leaves it there it away of give it to him later
if the depression isn’t too bad
thing is with elderly parents -the more you do the lazier they become
I had it with my dad
And he turned into an invalid -
my sister took over when I was having burn out - and with her no nonsense approach made him do things
now he’s stronger than before and actually happier because he. Can get about and I tell him im
not helping him with x or y because he needs to move and do things for hi
self- I actually told him he turned into an invalid and couldn’t even get out of the. Chair anymore not moving and bones seizing up and he was shocked
hey-
why not a day out - small trip so he has to help get organised and change of scenery
was there something he liked doing
or even a tea outside in the park in a flask
to get out in the real world again
depression is a terrible condition
have you anyone in the family who can act like my sister and help
( it wasn’t easy btw - my father initially said he was being bullied - now he acknowledges her help and is grateful)
My sister told me I needed to stop doing everything for him and let him do stuff- sometimes you have to be a little cruel to be kind
good luck
My stepdad did everything for my mum, following her stroke, and wouldn't let her do anything. She became weak, infirm and frail, unable to even make herself a cup of tea. I hated that he stole her independence while she was too vulnerable to do anything about it. Before, my mum had been an advocate for the elderly at the sheltered housing complex she managed, and promoted their independence.
Earlier this year, I had to cut my stepfather off when it became clear that I was doing too much for him and he was becoming incapable. It was the right thing to do, even though he was angry with me, and I can now see that he is more independent again.
He needs to be told, straight, exactly how much of a toll this is taking on your own wellbeing. He needs to know that you have a life to lead, one that does not revolve around taking care of him.
You need to point out that the things you are doing he is capable of doing for himself.
Then, stop.
Stop making his meals, stop cleaning his clothes, stop tidying up after him. And tell him that it's time for him to move back home (or into IL).
If your dad needs care, you could help him to arrange it, but he must be responsible and pay for it.
If your dad doesn't care about how his refusal to take care of himself, or even learn how to, is affecting you, then why should you care about how he feels? You have a relationship with your father, but the care shouldn't be just one way.
Also do that with his lunch. Take out what he eats and put it on the table and say 'Dad I need you to start making your own lunch too. It was never the intention for me to do these things.' Something like that.
I hope that is helpful.
It IS his history and life pattern(s). This sounds entirely normal, esp with a man who is older, depressed, grieving, and perhaps has some mental decline, if not dementia.
The question I consider: Why would you think he wouldn't 'expect' breakfast as he is accustomed to receiving? Or anything else he is used to getting?
He is not able to differentiate between the 'who' is providing with the 'I want" and "I need" and "I am used to ..." behaviors / needs.
Yes, as long as you continue this behavior, you will continue to burn out.
What has to change? Your behavior - first your mind set by understanding his behavior from HIS point of view.
How you do this__________________
* His basic needs need to be managed by you learning how to set boundaries.
* You talk to him with kindness and compassion with clear boundaries, i.e.,
"I will xxx" when I can (serve breakfast). . . "I understand you want xxx".
"Do not 'throw it in his face' that his wife is gone and things are different now. This will not serve either of you.
* As you can, hire a caregiver or support person to help you care for his needs.
- Compassion is as important as clear boundaries are. Or find a volunteer.
* No, he won't want to or be able to do things 'on his own' as you expect.
He is grieving, perhaps w/ mental decline ... and doing the best he can. Being depressed is HARD for anyone; it is harder for him losing his grief and FEELING his needs are not be met, while depressed.
You'll need to find a balance between what you will do and how, and find ways to support him to move through how he feels:
* could be a caregiver to play games with him or take him out for a walk / lunch.
* Spend time listening to him / his needs ... so he can 'get it out' (doesn't mean you will do what he expects / is used to / wants. Giving him SPACE to express how he feels is also a way to support expressing his grief, even though he may not associate the two as 'the same' (processing/benefit).
Take care of yourself___________
If you continue to allow him to 'burn' you out - realize that it is YOU who is allowing the situation / circumstances to feel burning out. (It isn't him).
It is up to you to make decisions and they can be made with compassion and boundary clarity. "If" he cannot understand what you say / boundary setting ("I'll get to it 'soon") then just let him be ... and get to it when you can.
I am not sure about the counselor although it might be advantageous for you to speak to that person for feedback / support. And/Or get your own therapist. This is YOUR life. You need to flush out / process /change your 'm.o.' about what you feel are your responsibilities, perhaps including feeling guilt and learn how to assert yourself with compassion. It is a dance and a needed skill to develop.
Mostly, you tell your father "I understand ... I hear you... offer reflective listening (reflect his words back to him). Him feeling HEARD is huge, regardless of his expectations wanting 'how it used to be.'
Once you state your position ("I will do xxx soon") - stop talking. Often the hook is a person explaining... keeping that conversation going (guilt and feeling ungrounded) when that is not necessary. Smile, hold his hand, then do what you need to do.
Learn to re-direct him. Watch Teepa Snow's webinars, read her books, watch her You Tubes. She is one of the best in helping family learn how to communicate with an family member losing cognitive functioning/declining.
Sounds like you need help (caregiver) and/or wondering if it time to consider an AI facility for him? These are very difficult / hard decisions. Bottom line: Take care of yourself so you will be there to support him.
Gena / Touch Matters
It must be a cultural thing because I find this odd. Even my grandad, who was born at the beginning of the last century and died 30 years ago, could make meals and knew how to take care of the home and others. He had been a miner and, later, worked in a factory. He was the main breadwinner, especially as there were 9 children, but when Nan had dementia, he was more than capable of looking after her.
It's so hard when they have been married a lifetime. My mother told me of a story she read about 2 birds who were together; when one passed the other bird dove head first into a bucket of water. The bird was so distraught.
Eight months is not that long. You didn't mention your father's age. When my dad passed suddenly in grad school, that first year I took mother everywhere with me. Coffee, New Hampshire, friends beach house, conferences, Church volunteer work.
It was ok after a while. I wouldn't make any sudden moves. But, maybe he could "tryout" a place for 30 days before he sells or moves permanently. It's not uncommon for the men to meet a woman right away because they are lonely, enjoyed being married, and there are so many more women at Senior events then men.
Men love their laz-a-boy chair and the large screen tv. That's all they need. Women's needs are different; the women fare better than the men and the men give up too easily, they can't help it.
What about if you both planned a vacation to look forward to in the near future and make a plan while on vacation?
He thinks our 4 daughters will take care of him. They have adamantly stated they will NOT.
AS long as you make yourself the answer, you will always be the answer.
1 - Get him a referral to a psychiatrist to evaluate and treat his depression - probably needs medications.
2 - Ask him to join a grief support group - I like GriefShare - to deal with loss of his wife and her support. Make this part of an agreement to live with you.
3 - Start a series of discussions of what he needs to be able to accomplish to live independently. Make a list of tasks he needs to learn - or pay others to do for him. Make "learning" part of the agreement to live with you. Decide with your dad (and with your spouse if you have one) a date when dad will move into his own place.
Explore senior living or AL (very near to you so that it’s easy for you to visit) asap.
If he goes back home, I think you’ll still somehow bear the burden of decades of dependent living.
I’m sorry for your losses. xo
He was comfortable with your mom taking care of his every need and you jumped in and continued the lifestyle to which he was accustomed to. Time for tough love.