He is not suffering from any dementia etc---he is just a very cruel man---I have tried to help him as my mother passed away a year ago...he is now dating a woman---he is a narcissist....I just can't get it out of my head that he tried to strangle me---I'm a 50 yr old woman...help
I'm sure this really hurts since you thought he'd changed. Glad you're going to get therapy to help you deal with this.
You owe him NOTHING. And you never have to see him again. It is totally your choice. Draw the boundary line and just keep away from him, no convo or confrontation needed.
Good luck.
Even if a narc or cruel father decades before, I wouldn't rule out dementia now. There are many types that affect behaviour first, not always the well known symptoms of short term memory.
You have suffered trauma. I am so sorry this happened. You may still be in shock if recent. Please consider talking to a councellor to support you throught this.
Starting immediately, I would NEVER be alone with him. Ensure your house locks are good & warn other members of your household to never let him in.
Go to the Police - inform them of the incident & get a restraining order.
If you say you couldn't possibly do that - think of it as helping him. If he is suffering from a medical condition (Fronto-temporal lobe dementia, brain tumour, change of medication) this is a good way for this to be discovered. Of if he is well - just an Ahole, let the law deal with him. He absolutely needs to know that abuse is not ok.
I would get legal advice on splitting the family business. I would be going my own way asap.
The road may not be peaceful for a while - but I wish you safety & the strength to travel it.
This man is an abuser. He isn’t a father in a loving and supportive way. He may be a biological father but he is a father in name only.
You owe him NOTHING! Leave as soon as possible. I would sleep in my car, crash on a friend’s sofa, go to a shelter before staying with him.
It’s sad that Covid may complicate things but please check to see what is available to you as an option. Don’t allow anything to stop you from leaving.
File a police report. Get an attorney and request restraining order if possible. You must have proof of being in danger.
My daughter dated a violent man at her university. He was charming at first but showed his true colors later. It got very ugly. She had to get a restraining order to help protect herself from him.
Watch your back. The most dangerous time is when leaving or shortly afterwards. Leave when he is asleep or when he isn’t there.
Please keep us posted. Sending good thoughts and prayers your way.
This is not a ‘forgive and forget’ issue for your family or your family business, and he is not being ‘nice’, he is covering his tracks. Property will get dealt with when he goes to jail – before or after the murder.
You should have reported him to the police. I would consult an attorney. Are you part of the business structure? Who inherits the business? The reason suggested the attorney is to see if anything could be done if you are an heir to the business to see that you get some kind of compensation before you walk away from this man AND the business.
Contact a battered women's shelter for group counseling. There are lots of them. Google it. Here is one.
https://www.liveyourdream.org/get-help/domestic-violence-resources.html?utm_term=&utm_campaign=DSA&utm_source=adwords&utm_medium=ppc&hsa_acc=3468286777&hsa_cam=1028813436&hsa_mt=b&hsa_net=adwords&hsa_src=g&hsa_ver=3&hsa_ad=243315305225&hsa_tgt=dsa-393349388571&hsa_grp=54252895567&hsa_kw=&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIndmk6brr7AIVjsDACh2jpgNKEAAYBCAAEgJ9I_D_BwE
The only person who can change this is you. Forgive, thats a long time away. You forgive for yourself but forgiveness does not mean you then get involved. You can forgive but never forget.
Do not ever try to caregive for this man.
My abusive brother is dead. We did NOT come to 'terms' before he died, I had not seen him in 12 years prior to his death.
My mother asked me if I felt 'terrible' b/c I had not forgiven him. I told her what one therapist had said to me.
'Christ said to turn the other cheek, He did not ask us to stand there and be slapped to death'.
This ONE statement changed my entire outlook on my 'responsibility' to mend a relationship that could not be mended.
GET OUT--before he kills you. Stay away and work on having relationships that are not toxic and cruel.
I'm so sorry for what you're experiencing. To be abused by those who should love us is so hard to deal with.
You've gotten great advice here--please take it.
I am a Christian. I am a practicing Christian, who in the past has been deeply, deeply involved in my church. I grew up in a family active in church.
My mom was a woman of deep faith. But, as my sister so eloquently said at her funeral, she never used her faith as a "cudgel". She expressed her faith in deeds, rather than words, and taught us, her 3 daughters to do the same.
When I used to teach confirmation class, I warned each class about "Christian bullies". People who use their faith as a "cudgel" to "beat" you into what they want. And to quote scripture while someone does that doesn't make it right.
For anyone saying "to forgive is Christian", I say this: Jesus also spoke about the responsibility on the part of the person to be forgiven - and that part is "repentance". Even He told the sinner whom he forgave to "go thou, and sin no more."
For someone who is unrepentant, who fully intends to continue the sinful behavior, to seek forgiveness is being a hypocrite. As a Christian, the price you are expected to pay in return for being forgiven is to try and live your life more like the example set before us by Jesus - to "go thou and sin no more". That doesn't mean to continue the behavior.
For those who say forgiveness is for your healing as well - maybe. But maybe forgiveness is as simple as removing yourself from the abuse and not wishing vengeance on your abuser. We are called as Christians to "love your enemies, and pray for those who persecute you". It's not "like your enemies, and hang out with those who persecute you."
My mom loved telling me how ‘worthless’ my brother felt due to being ignored by me after I decided I had enough of his crap. She told me this when he was living. She continued to tell me after his death.
Mom had difficulty accepting the reasons why he was ignored by me and others. God knows I truly tried to help him.
We can’t help those who reject our offers to assist them. They have to want to make positive changes in their lives.
I told her that she needed to comfort those he hurt instead of buying into his distorted views on life.
My brother had a way of getting inside mom’s head and convincing her that he was the victim.
Eventually I learned to walk away from mom when she started her shenanigans.
My therapist told me that mom was great at attempting to manipulate me and not to allow her to do so.
First of all, I will NOT argue the word of God. It has been settled many years ago.
The question here was - "HOW DO I GET OVER THIS"?
The question here was not - "WHAT DO I DO ABOUT THE ABUSE"
Not one time did I mention to the OP that she should just take the abuse.
Again, The question was "How do I get over this? My response was, "to forgive."
To heal and "get over this" you have to first, forgive. I know it is easier for some than it is for others. It's a process for some.
Steph007
I believe you must forgive your father in order to heal. It may be hard but do "what is best for you."
I am sorry that you have been through this.
Also, I read where you stated that you believe your father is getting some dementia. If he was abusive to you recently, this could very well be the reason. If so, he needs help.
Stay safe. Blessings
"I am not questioning The Word: only what man has made of it."
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but just a reminder that calls to ‘be kind’ to someone who has abused you is a gaslighting tactic. It furthers the idea that the abuser is deserving of considerations that his or her victims are not.
~Meg Pillow’s Doppelfanger on Instagram
Please do not put yourself in harms way again, not for a parent, a friend, a lover.......nobody. Nobody has the right to raise a hand to us, nobody. Don't use the bible as a reason to put yourself in harm's way either, because God wants us to take care of OURSELVES and to honor the beautiful bodies and the minds He gave us.
If you are able to find a way to 'forgive' your father for the egregious crimes he has committed against you, that's great.........as long as it doesn't involve dealing with him in person and putting yourself in harm's way again in order to accomplish. Forgiveness is for YOU and your peace of mind, nothing else.
Best of luck.
This father is abusive now, and he raised his daughter in abuse. Those who are raised in abuse often think they deserve it, that it is their fault, and they stick around for more and more abuse. They often are condemned to continuing the cycle of abuse into their own next generation.
That this abuse may have links to his own past, or to his failing mind, doesn't factor for me at all. Psychiatrists may understand; Gods may forgive. That's THEIR job description; not mine. For myself I would try to help the victim who is being abused to move as quickly and as certainly out of harm's way as possible.
Would anyone tell a victim of child sexual abuse to forgive his or her abuser? Really? To me that is utterly incomprehensible. And one being victimized IS further victimized by being told to forgive. It is like telling someone with cancer that they can heal themselves, and then, if they are unable, to tell them that it is their own fault they are dying. It is piling victimization on victimization in my mind. But that's just my humble opinion.
Three of whom ended up in a shelter for battered women and children.
Trust me when I tell you that it is so hard to see a friend bruised with broken bones.
One ended up with permanent brain damage. The husband happened to be a man who attended church every Sunday!
It’s despicable for a man. (boyfriend, husband, family member, etc) to abuse a woman!
"For it is written."
"Man can NOT change the word."
"It has been forever settled."
: ) Be Blessed People
Remember, we are here to be helpful to one another rather than to preach or to use bible references suggesting someone continue to allow themselves to be abused, etc. under the guise of 'forgiveness'. Or to suggest that we mortals can interpret the bible exactly as God or Jesus intended it to BE interpreted. We cannot. We can use the bible as a frame of reference, that's about it.
And before you get all flustered & accuse me of being this Mean & Horrible Person who is Against You, that's not the case. Just pointing out the OTHER side of these 'bible' stories that people seem to take literally 100% of the time and use as 'an answer' across the board to everyone's dilemma.
Have a nice day.
And some faiths would even OK abuse. A daughter who brought dishonor by choosing to marry someone outside her own faith could be done to death by her husband or brothers in some faiths. A DIL could be thrown upon the funeral Pyre of her husband. God must not enter into the law of man. It is against the law to assault another. Whether one chooses to forgive or not forgive shouldn't figure in what to do about that. What to do about that is to protect yourself.
And whole new "books" and Chapters of the bible being found to this day in the caves of the "Holy land".
Interestingly, even our "amen" has little to do with God. As I understand it it started as a Hebrew word used in settling a "deal" as with our "shake on it". Many men (and women), many cultures, many beliefs, many Gods and Goddesses, and of course each will claim HIS own to be the ONLY one. In Indian tribes each tribe called itself "The People". Every other tribe was something "other" than a full person, something LESSER.
Diversity is to be celebrated. A wonderful thing in which we each honor every other man's right to his own belief, his own god (or lack of one), his own "book" of truth. But Assault comes under the LAW.
A christian is NOT a "doormat." If an innocent christian is being bullied, harrassed, attacked, ect., it is ok for them to defend themselves, as long it is done in decent and in order.
That does not make them a bully or a hypocrite.
Just because a "christian's" view is different from someone else's, does not mean they are using their faith as a "cudgel" to "beat" you into what they want, as someone suggested.
That may be what "religious people" or a "cult" does but that is NOT what a "chistian" does.
Be Blessed : )
Do you really believe what you wrote just now? It’s truly sad if you do. You are describing a ‘fairytale’ world. That world doesn’t exist.
Of course, there are lovely Christian people that sincerely believe but there are also evil people who claim to be genuine Christians. They aren’t. There are people who aren’t believers of any particular faith who are good moral people. This is reality. Fairytales are make believe.
I know a woman whose husband went to church every Sunday in an expensive suit, then went home and gave his wife black eyes! I would say that he qualifies as a Christian bully!
Thank God that she decided to stop being his doormat and divorced him!
Legitimate churches do not condone abuse of any kind. The pastor at my church has said that women should leave their husbands if they are in an abusive relationship.
These men are beyond ‘anger management’ therapy. They beat their wives and children and no one should ever be beaten.
So please tell me that you will rethink what you have written and move forward with a healthy attitude instead of quoting selective biblical scriptures.
Maybe you were taught to believe these things by others. Be an independent thinker and reconsider how you feel.
Wishing you all the best in life. This is not a personal attack. It is simply a discussion and hopefully you will see how serious this matter is.
Particularly if caring for him will put you in ANY danger.
(I put Physical Abuse, Emotional Abuse or any Mental Abuse into this group)
Next time, if there is a next time you IMMEDIATELTLY call 911
Tell the dispatcher that you are being physically harmed, and you fear for your life. Leave right away if possible if not go to a room in the house where you can lock the door and be safe until the police arrive.
DO fill out a police report.
DO get a restraining order.
DO appear in court if it goes that far.
Do not have anything more to do with him, this man does not deserve to be called a father.
If you had a daughter or son that was involved with someone that did this to them what would your advice to them be? Why would it be any different for you? Is it "just" because half your DNA came from that gene pool?
I responded to his/her post for the same reason, I "assume" that everyone else did. To offer her "MY" advice, "MY" opinion. However, some took it upon themselves to argue "My Opinion" is "wrong" because it is not the same as "Their Opinion." Ha, some has went as far to tell me that I should share the same views. (Honey, people are always bashing me if my opinions are different than theirs)
As if that was going far enough already, they went on to bashing a christian.
People on here have openly confessed to what they believe. NOT once have I bashed what they believe nor have I ever tried to convince them they were wrong.
Guess what??? If the table was turned and I was the one asking for some advice on here, responses to me would be (just saying as for an example as what I have observed here) it is ok to smoke you some cigarettes, drink you some wine, buy beer for my mom, curse my neighbor, through my mom out the house (who is suffering from mental disorder), don't take no junk from my dad, cheat on my husband, throw my MIL in a nursing home, don't worry about my 90 year old grandmother in a Nursing Home who hasn't seen family in months, tell them a piece of my mind and you get the picture.
Then everyone on here would be okay. Thinking everything is alright. No arguements
No, I am not living in a fairyland and I believe every word I have said. If you don't that is fine with me. That is your business.
There is really no need for folks to come here to call me names and try to argue with me because I really don't care.
If you "TRULY" live for God, you will be persecuted, HATED, talked about, cast down, cast out, etc. Guess what? So was Jesus.
However, I would not suggest you mess with a child of God. The bible says, "Touch not my anointed and do my prophet no harm."
Now, with this being said, I'm DONE with any comments here.
Be blessed and enjoy this beautiful day we have. : )
Maybe one day you will look back and see things more clearly. I hope so.
Best of luck to you. I wish you well.
Again, I stress that my words were never meant as a personal attack so please stop being so defensive. I simply ask that you recognize other points of view.
You are entitled to your opinion just as we all are. I respect that. So we can agree to disagree on this matter.