4 yrs ago he married a woman who is also 92. Everytime we have any kind of dinner, get togethers or go to him to have a discussion she ends up crying, drawing the attention to her. 3 weeks ago my father was diagnosed with aggressive prostate cancer. It's spread to his bones in 10 areas 3 areas are on vertebrae an also to both lungs. He can hardly see, deemed legally blind and she can't hear deemed deaf. She gets upset if I'm not translating every other sentence, which I have to write all down, accusing us of not including her. She starts crying and walks off that just ends all discussions. I don't think emotionally she's going to be able to handle this situation.
JoAnn's idea to take him to lunch and do it apart from her is a good one,
I am sorry about the cancer diagnosis. What a difficult situation!
Given the severity of your father's illness and his age, I think it might be difficult for him to cope with creating POAs while fending off his tearful wife.
You could ask his doctor to insist on seeing him in private, and ask the doctor to ask him whether he wants to spare his wife the POA and health care responsibilities by appointing new proxies. But the doctor won't agree to this if he thinks it's going to burden his patient unreasonably.
On the other hand, he might agree to ask if it's going to make medical decisions simpler. But your father would still have to be up to the job.
Does your stepmother have any family of her own? Where are she and your father living?
They live in a independent living apartment we're in Michigan, she has seven kids 4 daughter's that live in Wisconsin 3 sons one left Friday for Florida for the winter other 2 live 21/2-3hrs away then she has a 94 yr old brother and a 80somthing yr old sister living in the same city and their getting ready to go to Florida to for the winter.
6 years ago she moved to Michigan from Florida. why? is what we all ask each other all the time
Her kids need to know that your Dad is gravely ill. He will no longer be able to provide care for her and is likely, with the cancer having metastasized, to pass sooner than later. It is the job of her children to support her. It is your job to make sure your dad is getting the medical care he needs and is kept comfortable.
I am not sure from your post where they are living and what level of care they are currently receiving. Can your step mum continue to live there? Howis it being paid for? Who is paying?
You need to have a conversation with your Dad about his final wishes, is his will up to date, who is the executor etc.? You may or may not need to get a healthcare POA, if your dad gives verbal permission for you to talk to his doctors, you may not need it.
Who currently is handling their finances? If Dad is blind who pays the bills? Do you or your sister have a list of your Dad's accounts? Are the accounts in joint name? Whose name, you, your sister, your stepmum, her kids?