My father has gone from a care home to a nursing home where he will spend the rest of his days. How should I deal with feeling guilty?

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My father has gone from a care home to a nursing home where he will spend the rest of his days. How should I deal with feeling guilty?

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My Father has always been my rock and the only person I have ever looked up to and admired. He is now in a nursing home where he will spend the rest of his days. This has been over 5 years of caring for him and finding the best Care Home and then Nursing Home that I feel would provide the best possible care that he needs, where he would happy and safe where people do this work because they genuinely care. I don’t know if everyone feels like I do, but to put your parents care in to the hands of someone else, to me is the hardest thing that I have ever had to do. He’s my Father and have to know he’s safe happy and really cared for. So I’m one of these people that has to know absolutely everything, research, ask questions etc. before I leave him in someone else’s hands. I do think from what I’ve seen and heard that a lot of children put their parents in to Care and Nursing Homes , they are off their hands and so don’t really bother about their parents because someone else is now looking after them. I feel completely lost without caring for him at home and I feel guilty about everything even though it wasn’t my decision at all it was the hospitals decision because it wasn’t safe for him to live alone in his own house. I would have carried on caring for him solely but it was the right decision for him and he is happy. But I constantly feel guilty, but I have felt guilty about everything my whole life. Does anyone else feel and think like me?

Guilt Parents Parkinson's Disease Relationships

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You say he's happy so there is nothing to feel guilty about. You miss him and you miss the job of caring for him. That's not guilt. It's grief. I suggest that when you are not checking up on him, which is important for you and him, you try to find other activities that will satisfy your desire to help others or that will at least be of interest to you. I'm not sure anything will ever become as meaningful as caring for my mom in her final years, but I continue to try. The most helpful things for me have been to make art, be with other people, and to garden. Those are the things I neglected a little bit while caring for my mom. Take care of yourself.

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Reply to ArtistDaughter

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Thank you so much for your reply. It is so helpful listening to people that are or have been in the same situation. Yes you are so right about doing things for myself as I have withdrawn from my own life. Friends , interests and activities, and have become very very lonely and isolated. Because it’s stupid I know, but I don’t think about myself while my Father is in a Nursing Home because I feel selfish. I do think sometimes is it a good thing? or bad thing? How close you are with your parents , but I wouldn’t be any other way. My whole life as the eldest child I have fair to much responsibility from the age of 10 years old. I was brought up as a CHILD ADULT, even close friends and family have told me since my Father has been ill, ‘Samantha you have always had far too much responsibility from such a young age. Oh Samantha will do this or sort that out, and that’s why I find it so hard to think about myself first for once. Thank you for your reply and support. Samantha

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You are the caregiver of your mental health, you have nothing to feel guilty about.

Unfortunately, it is the buzz word of the 21st century, used without understanding its true meaning. You did nothing but support and do the best things for your father, you should feel proud, there is no room for guilt. It is counterproductive and will keep you stuck within a prison with invisible bars, all self-created.

Visit him and be happy that he is safe and well cared for.

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Reply to MeDolly

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Guilt is out of the question. Unthinkable. Guilt requires evil intentions. Guilt requires causation. Guilt requires that you could fix or change something and refused to do so out of evil intention. That hardly describes YOU, does it? Guilt is for felons. It is a kind of hubris to expect you yourself to have god like power and endurance and an ability to fix things. You didn't cause it and you can't fix it and you are doing things to the best of your capability. Your admiration of your father makes me believe that he must have already long ago told you he doesn't want your body heaped still living upon his funeral pyre.

I, like you, was lucky in having wonderful people for parents. And a wonderful brother. And I thank goodness my brother had wonderful care his last year and one half. Every time I read extended care disasters here I thank all the powers that be for Pacific Senior Living in Palm Springs. I never SAW such dedication and love in a staff that was expected to have not just a job, but a vocation, and who did have just that.

I think you and I were lucky in finding great care. I think it is rare as hen's teeth. I think we are rare in having stellar parents and loved ones who were our heroes. You sound like me..................thankful. Quite simply THANKFUL.
My best out to you.

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Reply to AlvaDeer

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Sadly a family in Florida whose loved one died in a facility may not feel as you do

71 yr old man found dead at rehab center in Florida

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Sammy, I’m glad you successfully found a place you feel good about for your beloved father. You’re doing exactly what you should be doing, acting as his advocate and still a caregiver in his waning days. No parent could ask for more. During my mother’s nursing home time, we had numerous staff members tell us they’d never do any other type of work as they considered it their life’s calling. We remain grateful for their compassion and commitment. Please don’t waste precious time on the useless emotion of guilt, spend it instead holding dad’s hand, reassuring him of your love and care. I wish you both peace

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Reply to Daughterof1930

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Thank you so much for your reply. I am the eldest of three, my brother is a raging Heroin addict and has been since he was 18 years old, and my younger sister who has drink and drug problems is and I hate to say it the most nasty , spiteful person I know. She has seen or visited her Father coming up to two years. So I have had to make all the enormous decisions regarding my Father on my own. So that is why I am always second guessing myself, have I made the right decisions and I feel guilty about absolutely everything. So reading your message is great support for me. Many Thanks Samantha x

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My Father has been a constant source of support throughout my life too. I have met many others describe someone as their rock. A term of respect & solidness.

Yet I don't feel it's right for me to use. To me, rocks can also appear unchanging & unmoving. While us humans change & move location through our lives. Actually.. maybe rocks DO sometimes move. Get moved by the forces of nature.

I am now picturing this steady, noble rock.. Rolling slowly down a hillside. Coming to rest near a beautiful stream for it's next stage.

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Reply to Beatty

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OMG I love this. I just love it.
I am such a fan of rocks. When I go visit my DD in Washington State, where she lives footsteps from Puget Sound, I DAILY walk the shores looking at rocks. When we lived near Yosemite I watched the rocks.
I HAVE three PERFECT rocks after a lifetime of looking, and I hold them and think on them, and their long lives.
Beatty-----------what you wrote touched me to the quick.
Thanks!
(Someone asked me what I would do on my last day. Pretty much wander looking at rocks and driftwood, how the time wore down to the beauty I see in them.)_

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Thank you for this deeply meaningful post. Being a father of 4 and having lost my first wife to brain cancer a few years ago, I can't help but reflect on your devotion in light of my personal situation. I love all of my kids and grandkids dearly. But since my first wife passed away (I was her personal caretaker for 15 years), 3 of my kids have all but rejected me. I don't blame them; they dearly miss their mother and were shocked by my remarriage. I always hoped that when my time comes, my kids would take care of me and think about me as you do your father. But I just don't think that will happen. I can hope, however. And I will continue to try to mend things. Your thoughts have given me much to ponder.

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Reply to Mike1959

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I hope those 3 kids realize soon that everyone needs companionship and that your remarriage does not diminish what you had with their mother. There really is nothing to mend on your part. You are now taking care of yourself, which is a very good thing.

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Samantha, it's unfortunate when parents grow (too) old and can no longer care for themselves. Like AlvaDeer, I'm old, and of course I hope my husband (94) and I (87) never need to be "placed". That said, I'm a realist and I know that day may come. I do not want our family to spend even one minute feeling guilty if/when it does. As AlvaDeer says: guilt is not the applicable "g"-word.

We love our adult children, especially our 63 Y/O son, with whom we are very close. He and his wife still work F/T but will retire in a few years. They have worked very hard for many years and have earned their retirement. We want them to ENJOY it, however that evolves for them. One thing for sure: providing hands-on care for us will NOT be on the agenda! We seriously hope that they will NEVER feel guilty about helping us choose a good facility (within our means) if our care needs exceed what can reasonably be provided in our home.

As a quintessential introvert, I would not expect to be completely "happy" in a care facility, but I've had my life. I hope that I would accept placement, if necessary, with at least a modicum of grace. (Please, if possible, let me have my own room though!)

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Reply to ElizabethAR37

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Yes. THIS. Elizabeth if we end up in the same place for a nursing home we would love one another. We could sit and stare and say nothing, just pound away on our laptops! My daughter is 62. She has a bad back and bad hip and is working still, taking care of special needs kindergarteners who are often completely out of control. Her hubby, 70 is retired from teaching. She will retire asap if she can kill me off, later if she can't ha ha. I am saying she doesn't feel she can afford to stop working now. Were I to leave before I give it all away to ALF, she could retire. I DO think about that. The one thing she does KNOW is that never, and under no circumstances, would I ever allow her to move to be by me (she's three states away) no to move me in nor to move in with me. I would never have such a thing. Her some is mid twenties now, through college. This is some of the most free quality time she and hubby will have together before they TOO enter the realm of hurting everywhere (or most places) and worrying about her own aging safety. Like Elizabeth, I want my own room. If not I want HER for a roommate. If not that I will raise hell; I am good at that I am told. Until they give me the good drugs.

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Please try not to feel guilty. You will soon realize that you made the right decision. We all go through that phase questioning our choices for our loved ones.
Unfortunately, we cannot decide how end of life years work out. There is a huge need for assisted living because we are not qualified nurses or aides.
Visit often and become your dad's advocate.

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Reply to Onlychild2024

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I am facing a similar situation. Although my 95 YO father is not in care yet (we are in painful application process), I’m already feeling guilty about even thinking about placing him. But I also know and believe that this will be the best for him. We cannot give him the time and care he needs while we try to maintain our lives and jobs. I appreciate someone’s comments above that you are not feeling guilt but rather grief. This makes much more sense of the emotions we are dealing with. I hope and pray that my dad accepts the move and feels cared for in the same manner that I care for him. So much worry and anxiety ahead for me. But I hope you can rid yourself of the guilt and understand that you have been an amazing and caring child to him.

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Reply to DJBeach

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Samantha, as the oldest of 5 children (with parents who could not cope well), I, too, had far too much responsibility from a very young age. Like you, I was robbed of a childhood. That being said, you and I have a greater challenge in building a life that is "other" than focusing on meeting the needs of folks. But, it's so imperative that we do so. You are given a life to live, and to remain stuck in guilt or a feeling of selfishness when considering oneself: Truly isn't a badge of Honor. I found that some much needed therapy at around age 50 yrs., helped me see that I was going to need to work hard to get self-definition, to actually reflect upon my goals for myself, to acknowledge that I was failing myself with isolation or saying "no" to activities. You, too, sound like an ideal candidate for some liberating therapy that would yield Self Definition. And, if you (like I) simply cannot resist that strong impulse to help others: Become an Advocate for a child in the Protective Services system, get yourself on the Board of a terrific Animal Shelter, tutor some struggling 2nd Grade readers in a nearby elementary school, work at a Women's Shelter, etc. You will be around people and make new friends. To say "stuck" in our old Adult Child role can become rather self-pitying. I know, because I have been there.

My father has gone from a care home to a nursing home where he will spend the rest of his days. How should I deal with feeling guilty?

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