My father is number 1 on her health care proxy, and I am number 2. He has serious control issues and is refusing to allow me to see or contact my dying mother. I don't know what to do. Any suggestions. He lives in NY and I am a Registered Nurse that lives in Virginia.
Better for YOU to have legal responsibility for both of them than he have the ability to tarnish your mother’s remaining time.
Pull together a list of any reputable sources of observers to his conduct, reports and reasons as to why he was barred from previous nursing home, etc. “Forewarned is fore armed”.
If you are ABLE to do mental shift from being angry at him to pitying him, it may help you to deal with him as a nurse rather than as a daughter, and doing so may be helpful moving forward.
Hoping for the best for you and all involved.......
How does your mother feel about this? If someone shows up and asks her opinion, will she say "no, its all fine". (My dear aunt would never "go against" her husband, although he was a mentally ill tyrant with dementia.
Is your dad mentally ill; does he have dementia or both?
Have you considered taking legal action to gain guardianship of your mom?
So she has 24/7 care even without the extra caregivers, yes?
Did APS have any suggestions as to how to prevent your father with dementia from interfering with your mom's care?
Perhaps the Ombudsman for the facility coukd help? Have you spoken to the director of the facility about your ability to visit?