My Father is in care facility. Has been for 10 months. He is determined he's not settling, says he hates the place and is going home. Tells me staff hopeless, steals his things and forget everything he asks. Tells the staff I am useless as I won't get him out. The care facility is very good. He tells lies to try to get his own way. I have arranged to speak to him tomorrow with a staff member present to tell him legally he can't go home as certificates issued by 2 doctors confirming he does not have capacity to make decisions about his care. I have POA for him. The soft soap does not work. Any suggestions as to how to word this?
If he does, telling him, even with a staff member present that he's not going home probably won't do much good.
Has he been seen by a geriatric psychiatrist? Sometimes meds can help in the case of an elder who is agitated and irritable.
Are you able to say "dad, I'm working on it" and not particularly care if he gets upset? That's the key here. Not really getting upset when he rants.
It's not your fault.
What caused him being placed? Was he refusing doctor visits? Living in unsanitary conditions? Those are examples of bad choices that he has the right to make.
Dad is where he needs to be. Most likely, he does what’s known as “showtiming”,and those are the times he seems sharp and with it. But he’s really not. Leave the explanations to the professionals. You are too close to the situation and he intimidates you. You try to placate him and that can make the situation worse. He’s not putting anything over on anyone at the facility. My mother was in a facility. She was angry and delusional and they absolutely knew how to treat her without validating her behavior.
He behaves much better for the staff. They say he's no bother
By the way, my mom had vascular dementia and couldn't reason her way out of a paper bag, and certainly couldn't make her own decisions. Yet she could pass a mini mental exam until about 6 months before she died. It certain kinds of dementia, only a full scale neurocognitive evaluation tells you the whole story.
He seems to blame me for all of this. Or someone else. Always someone's fault.
Please don’t tell your Dad that “this is your home now.” Long term care will never be anyone’s home as they remember home.
We have told our Dad that the doctors need him to stay there for now. We have told him that we love him and are on his side. We have told him that the doctors want him to be somewhere safe. We have told him my brother has guardianship and decides Dad’s living situation and medical help. None of it makes any difference to him.
He is on psych meds, he has vascular dementia, and delusional. My brother has guardianship. Whatever we tell him really doesn’t matter because he changes the facts and his reactions in order to make sense to him.
What I am trying to say is to prepare yourself. You cannot reason with a brain being damaged by dementia.
He may keep saying the same things
after being told the cold hard facts.
This dementia is as difficult for the family as for the person with dementia.