My father with dementia forgets he is divorced. How do I approach this?

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My father with dementia forgets he is divorced. How do I approach this?

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My father with advanced dementia forgets he divorced my mother (over 25 years ago) He is obsessed with getting his family back together. He calls her so frequently, she has blocked him. He doesn’t understand why. He calls me often too, to ask about her, and why he has to live alone, without his family. How do I explain this to him, so he can understand, without destroying his world?

Alzheimer's & Dementia Marriage Relationships

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If someone can't understand an answer and that answer causes them to relive pain over and over again, I think that would just be cruel.

A simple response and a redirection, as so many of you have stated, is definitely the way to go. No one has to suffer needlessly this way.

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I have found personally and in talking with the charge nurses that honesty is quite often not the best policy with dementia patients. It is the same thing in trying to argue with them.

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Lmoyne, explaining things to my dad has not been useful for several years. Instead, what works best for him (and several of my new friends in his memory care facility) are the fibs I tell him (and them) whenever he or they ask to do the impossible. Usually my fibs consist of something like "Yes, we can do that first thing in the morning, but first let's have a good meal and/or get a good night's rest." Each individual with dementia is different and depending on the stage your father is in, therapeutic fibbing and redirecting may or may not work for you, but even if it doesn't work well now, it may work in the future. Best wishes in your journey.

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Even though he probably doesn't have the mental capacity, you could show him the divorce decree. I know that sounds foolish since his broken mind won't be able to absorb it, but perhaps he has other "family" that can get back together. Worth a shot.

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I disagree with almost all of the answers here. I don't believe in lying to people with dementia. I would tell him the truth: that the two of them were divorced 25 years ago, and they're no longer together. I would keep saying that every time he brings up her name, clearly referring to her as his "ex-wife."

He maybe longing for human companionship, rather than for his wife per se. His ex represents stable relationships and family life.

I do agree with creating a memory book for him with photos, etc., to keep near his bed. This could be reviewed during visits.

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So you would this even if it hurt him time and time again? Or made him irrationally angry? Wow. Ok. Different strokes for different folks. What is actually being suggested by the other is therapeutic fibs.

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You may want to buy a cheap phone for yourself. When he calls that number, pretend you are your mom. Tell him you are caring for your mother (his mother-in-law) and as soon as possible come back.

I do agree that Dad needs a nurse day/night. It is not safe for him to be on his own. Having a nurse or aide there may even suffice his need to have his wife near him. He may just be missing her because he needs help and she was the one whom he would look to care for him in the past.

Good luck. I am living with my 88 year old mom for the past 2 years and she has not been happy one of those days. I am not even sure she has dementia. My family and I believe she is just wanting to be queen bee and be waited on. It is worse than having toddlers. I wish us all good luck and I would take being a mom over caregiver any time. Stay well, take care of you and I pray that Dad finds peace and be happy in his years left. Blessings!

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good ideas posted. The second phone for the ex wife is a good idea but i would say just give dad the number of a new phone and let it go to voicemail- why should the ex wife have to hear it.
I am also concerned why he lives alone if his reality is effected. He may decide to leave the house and go look for the wife. Too dangerous.
Maybe make a photo album of the 2 of them that he can look at. And then have written captions which include " before the divorce. or "now you live apart" But clearly he will never remember that

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I believe the OP said somewhere that he lives in AL so not alone and not without some supervision.

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You're between a rock and a hard place here.
I had this problem with Mom BEFORE she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. She and Dad divorced in the mid-80s. We lived in GA, I would get calls 2:00-3:00am or later in the morning. My siblings would not have anything to do with Mom crying and the "what did I do"? They had been married 35 years! I was the only 1 of 4 who would, even if it was 3:00am and I had to get up for work in 2 hrs, take her calls and many times she threatened suicide! I finally told her if she did go thru with that, she can and will go to her grave knowing that I hate her for doing it.
Ended up that she remarried to the gentleman she was engaged to when she/Dad married (Koran War era). Love at 1st sight, truly with Dad.
Mom would constantly compare my step-father to Dad to the point I finally had "the" talk with her. She wasn't married to Dad and my step-father had loved Mom since he met when they were teens, they are now in assisted living due to Alzheimer's now and he still expresses his love for Mom to everyone!
Dad will always be a part of Mom and of course the 4 of us siblings. I finally decided to make a small family album which started with her grandparents, parents, Dad, his family thru pictures of her kids all grownup and her grandchildren. Then I placed her next phase of marriage in this album. All these pics have the story next to them so she can read who everyone is and their relationship to Mom.
If I were in your place, and this is me talking about me.
I would talk with Mom about what you're going thru, IN DEPTH. Have Mom get a cellphone that is extremely basic. Have Mom do the greeting, give Dad the new phone number. Mom can place that phone on do not disturb, he can leave a voicemail, Mom can delete whenever. She changes her current phone number to give family and friends with the understanding that they are never ever to give to Dad. Make sure it is unlisted and 411 cannot give out too.
Dad can call, leave voicemail to his heart's content. Mom will not be getting his calls on her new number.
When he says she never answers, make up any excuse needed as to why i.e. I called her cellphone carrier and they're having issues, the phone company is having an issue in her area and they don't know how long it will take.
You are allowed to lie to keep him happy.
You'll run into obstacles, but you'll be able to come up with the answer with practice. Mom is visiting friends out of State, on a cruise.........
I would try my best to put his mind at ease until he asks again. IF he is in assisted living, have the staff disconnect the phone in his room for the night. They can tell him that new rules are in place for the night. If it is an emergency they will make the call to you for him. If he is still in his own home with in-home care, they can do the same thing.
I hope this may help.

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Since he is in AL maybe you could tell him your mom isn't able to be there with him righ now because she is in a different facility that can care for her medical needs. The place he is in is what he needs and the place she is living is what she needs. She isn't able to speak on the phone right now but as soon as she's able you know she will call him, meanwhile you are visiting them both (or another sibling spends more time with mom while you stay with him, whatever works) and keeping her updated on how he is doing. As others have said, with advanced dementia he may remember some of what you say and he may not but he's living at least partially in another time and working with that rather than trying to fight it will probably get you further and be easier of everyone if you can find a way to do that. There is something comforting about knowing that the relationship and or breakup meant so much to him that it's where his mind is going, even if it's to "make amends" or get his family back together, it says something about how important that is and always has been to him whether he always showed it or not and it may even say something about the personal responsibility and desire he has felt for that.

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Why do sooooooooo many people think that caring for an elderly, incapacitated, dementia is such a difficult task. It disgusts me to see and hear people complain how "stressful" it is to "provide care" for elderly family members. Caring for an elderly, disabled, dementia family member is somewhat similar to caring for a young child. What is our world coming to ????

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walk a mile in my shoes before judging, thank you

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You have to realize you CAN'T explain it to him. Right now it seems you have the problem. My mom tried to MAKE my dad remember. It can't be done.

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Your Dad has dementia to the degree that he thinks he is still married to your mother … and … he lives alone???? Does he live ALONE ??? A person with dementia living alone is a catastrophe begging for an opportunity to explode. First of all, he needs to reside in a protected environment. After that, the family can agree upon "scripts of answers to his questions" in order to help him feel comfortable when he has "concerns." Also, family members should visit him sufficiently so that he does not feel abandoned. I had the same experience with my ex-husband when he developed dementia. He thought we were still married and I went along with it totally for four years until he passed away recently. With dementia, they do not have the capacity to understand things they cannot remember. As his dementia increased and as his health declined, I was the only person whom he was "sure" of. He slowly stopped asking about everyone else. Your mother was "cruel and selfish"" to "block" your dad from calling her on the phone !!!!!

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You and your ex-husband were so fortunate to have a relationship that allowed this and fortunate you are the person you are, my parents too had a very amicable divorce, were able to spend Christmas together with us kids and their significant others when they had them. However not all divorces are like that and we have no idea what went on in this marriage or what caused and happened through the divorce, somethings are just too hard or too permanent to come back from so to say the OP's mother was "cruel and selfish" to block his calls seems unfair and going a bit too far. Up until that point I so identified with and appreciated your response.

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I always made up a simple lie. The simpler the better for him to understand. Her phone lines don’t work, she has gone to visit friends. Along those lines. He won’t remember what you tell him and the next time you speak to him chances are he will ask again, after awhile this will stop because he will have moved onto different memory loop.

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Lmoyne,

My Mom divorced my Dad after 25 yrs of marriage then married my Stepdad.

One day when I visited her NH she was agitated. She asked where my Dad and Stepdad were. They were both deceased. I ask her what the problem was. She said somebody needed to come pick up her 3 little girls me being one of them and one of my sisters deceased. That the 3 little girls were driving her crazy.

I told her my Dad was mowing the lawn and Stepdad was at the grocery store.

I told her I would take her three little girls home with me. She was fine with that. She said she needed to take a nap. I left trying to figure out in what realm Mom thought she, Dad and Stepdad were caring for her three little girls. She thought she, Dad, and Stepdad all lived together. The divorce was messy and Dad hated Mom and Stepdad. I had to sit in my car and clear my head before I drove off.

Lies, fibs whatever you want to call them by this point just came natural and rolled out of my mouth without much thought.

Your Dads mind is in a time pre divorce.

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she is lucky to have such a loving dedicated daughter

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Try and Be there more for Dad, even if it is on the Phone. Try and Make it as Light and Sweet as Possible as of Telling him you are Checking more into it. I am More concerned that your Dad with Demetria is Living Alone a t Home. Keep an eye on this at this stage of his Dementia which could even lead into Alzheimer' down the Line, Where he Should Never be Left Alone at Home. Even no with No one with him, He could walk out that door and get lost, "Looking for her."

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Distract, distract, distract. Fidget blankets, sports, news of other family members, crafts. You never know what will stick. Look up 100 things to do with a dementia patient.

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Oh lordy, I hope I don't ask for my long-divorced husband (50 years ago)! To ask for my second, now deceased husband would be understandable, we were happy. My first husband now has Lewy Body dementia and is in nursing home, but as far as I know hasn't asked for me.....and we would not recognize each other as we haven't seen each other in 20 years.

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This obsession may tell you what decade he now lives in -- maybe around the time of the divorce, when he was disappointed they couldn't work things out, or maybe not too many years later when he realized there were aspects of the marriage he really missed.

Sometimes in advanced age, cognitively-intact people can obsess about 'making things right' or 'repairing relationships' before they die. Usually the people on the other side of those broken relationships have their own issues. Sometimes we can broker a conversation of mutual apology, sometimes not, but it's rare that a divorced spouse would want to 'come home' to live with the person again. And yet, so many elders imagine that this is what they want.

With dementia, the situation is different. There's still that late-in-life desire for making amends, but quite often their day-to-day (imagined) experience is back 40 years ago. Occasionally a long-divorced spouse is persuaded to come back for a visit, and the person with dementia doesn't recognize them - because this person looks 70 and the spouse they miss 'is' 30.

Even if you were able to make him understand that he was divorced, he would have trouble retaining that info ... and it doesn't solve the problem of wanting to rectify the situation.

Therapeutic fibs can help in the moment -- she went to the store, she's visiting her brother, she got a job on the other coast and won't be back til Christmas, or whatever.

But he probably also needs to move forward on whatever is underneath that desire for 'getting his family back together'. Can you -- or the facility chaplain, or a counselor -- help him express what he really wants? The underlying need could be forgiving himself for his part in the separation ... or it could be that he needs to forgive her for not being here with him now ... or it could be that he's lonely and misses the closeness he remembers (accurately or not). If the underlying need is not expressed, no amount of therapeutic fibbing will 'solve' the problem, even though it is enormously helpful in the moment. And even though I heartily agree that it's worth doing, over and over, in order to reduce anxiety and agitation.

If you can find the magic words to relieve the underlying need, this behavior can go away on its own.

It's a tough thing, even for folks who are cognitively present. Good luck!

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You can explain this to him so that he understands by reiterating his reasons for the divorce; and then you can do it again, and again, and again...

The point being that even if he could understand what has happened, he would not be able to retain that information.

Obsessed with getting his family back together... Is there anything you can do or talk to him about on that subject? Who else is there apart from you and your mother? Are there other family members you could talk about and divert his attention that way?

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Dear Country Mouse: With a dementia patient ... they do not have the capacity to "comprehend nor remember" explanations even after the explanations are repeated many times. That is part of the disease. It is good for families of dementia patients to "learn" about providing care for their loved one. There are learning opportunities available within cities, counties, and communities. An excellent learning opportunity I had the privilege to attend was "Virtual Dementia" presented by Department of Aging and Disability Services and Area Agency on Aging. It is a very good learning experience for all family members caring for dementia patients. When my husband with dementia would ask me the same questions ten times in thirty minutes ... I had "script answers" (canned replies) with which he was comfortable. NOBODY should EVER tell a dementia patient "I told you that five menutes ago" .. etc .. etc because "that answer" slipped into oblivian very shortly after it was spoken. That is just part of the disease and no amount of trying to help the dementia patient "remember" will work" (maybe for a few minutes or so) but they will continue asking the same questions. When my husband would ask about people who had died, I had a "script" ... example: Husband: "How's your mom and dad doing."... Me: "Mother and dad both lived a long and healthy life and they both passed away in their sleep." Husband: "I don't remember that ... why didn't anybody tell me they died?" Me: "Honey, you have been sick for a while and when we are sick, oftetimes we have temporary memory loss … and that's why that right now you don't remember some things .. but .. you are doing much better now and you are getting better and better every day .. and ... you are receiving the best medical care and treatment ... and one day soon you will remember things that you forgot when you were sick."
It worked like a charm …. every time … it was a logical and sensible "answer to his questions" and he was satisfied with it. However, often he asked the same question in 10 or 15 minutes so I gave him the same answer and he was satisfied with it. They need to feel that they are doing well and that they are loved.

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My father passed 6 years ago. A few months ago my mom came up with a story that he is having an affair which is why he is not here. We haven't discussed It lately. It feels a little nutty at first for sure. I just say hmmmm and oh and nod, or, tell me more about it.
How is your father with advanced dementia living alone and caring for himself?

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He's in Assisted Living - he feels "alone" because his wife and family aren't there, I think.

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Obsessive thoughts are part of the package, and they often live in the past as though it were yesterday. You need to try to reorient him and tell him the date, year and the year of divorce. You can also divert his attention like keep the television on. If he is able to walk, take him outside and let him exercise.

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Ooh. I'm not sure it's a good idea to try to reorient them. Their brains aren't functioning properly and when you correct someone with dementia you are possibly just confusing them further and causing additional frustration.
It would be like me telling you the Earth has 3 moons. No really, 3 moons!

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In some cases writing the information down so one can read it anytime the question comes up can help make a difference. I've done this for my mother, and it helps save a lot of repetitious questions (along with my voice and patience!).

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Jacobsonbob …. writing down the answers to frequently asked questions is pointless unless you present the patient with the written answers each time the patient repeats the questions. Shame on you for a negative attitude about her repetitious questions. She cannot help herself. Soooooo, you are "using your voice too much" by answering her repeated questions "repeatedly" and "your patience is bein taxed by answering questions repeatedly." Why can't you just be a nice guy and "extend yourself" to help your mother feel more comfortable instead of being so selfish, impatient, etc. You need an attitude adjustment. You would benefit by attending "Virtual Dementia" .. your eyes and your mind will be dramatically. You need a more compassionate attitude.

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The brain is such an amazing and crazy thing! He's not going to understand or remember reality, not matter how many times or ways it's explained to him. So, I guess little fibs are in order.

Does he have her phone number memorized? Is there anyway to keep him from making those calls? If he has to look up her number, can it be changed to some other number, that maybe he would get a recording stating the day and time?

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My mom passed away almost 21 years ago. Dad woke up in September and demanded to know where she was! He probably had a TIA in his sleep because prior to that he remembered she was dead. Now, he at times thinks she left him. Back in the mid 70's she did contemplate divorce (his alcohol problem) but she didn't. It's difficult to know what to say to him. When he asked why she left I said I didn't know. He said he could understand her leaving him but not her kids. It was so sad. You cannot explain it so he will understand. He doesn't have the memory or ability to reason now. The therapeutic fib is probably your best bet but even that doesn't always work. Go back in time when your parents were married and try to concoct a story. Would your mom go visit her parents? or a sister? Perhaps saying she did that will help. But it seems like he has a "sense" that she is gone (why do I have to live alone?) . God bless you as you go through this difficult time.

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Could you phone your mother and ask her if she could find it in her heart to comfort him at this point. She married him because she loved him, and she would be blessed for providing comfort at this stage. She needs a 'story' about why she can't come now, and another story about why she can only talk on the phone at a particular time in the late afternoon (or whatever). It might help him, and possibly even her. I got closer to my first husband after he was dying of cancer than I had for 25 years previously. Knowing that the end is coming helps a lot to make old problems recede into insignificance.

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Does he remember conversations from day to day? If not, tell him your mother has agreed to come back, but it’s going to take some time to get her affairs in order, pack, etc. Her phone has already been disconnected, but she’ll be there soon. It’s an awful lie, but the truth isn’t going to calm him, as he will never understand it. When they get agitated like this, all you can really do is try to step into whatever reality they’re living in at that moment and go with it. Say anything and everything. Whatever it takes to calm him. Also, talk to his dr about anxiety/depression meds. I am NOT a “drug ‘em senseless” kind of gal, but dementia seems to be a terribly distressing way to live. If I’m ever stricken with this horrible affliction and meds could help me live more peacefully, I’d want them all!!!

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Really not much you can do. They get stuck on something and won't let go. There will come a time when he will forget her. But in the meantime...huh.

Telling him over and over they are divorced goes thru one ear and out the other. She is a longterm memory and he is now in that part of his life. Like said, may have to fib a little.

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Yikes. Welp, one of the charge nurses at my moms MC had to play role of his mother on phone for quite awhile. It worked. She was long deceased.

I am so sorry. I don't know if helpful or not, but that's what she did.

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Bless that woman’s heart! Therapeutic fib isn’t a bad idea.

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My father with dementia forgets he is divorced. How do I approach this?

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