We’d love for it to be quality time, but we end up being constantly thrown off by questions from our parents (3 of 4 divorced - ages 74 to 79) that seem to come out of their mouths without thinking about the answer first. It’s like they’re trying to connect with us, and we used to have great relationships but now it’s my 79yr old dad asking if I like coffee, which, of course I do. He’s a conversationalist, and i know he’s just trying to start one and re-connect with us, but we don’t think they have dementia. Thanks for any input on this phenomenon, and how to deal with it.
So we are down to visits. I wouldn't take seriously much that I have heard from you above. I think such questions pretty innocent. But if a question feels at all invasive I would consistently answer "I would need to think on that a bit! I will get back to you". It is really the best and most honest answer for such things as "When will you start having grandbabies for us" and so on. They will soon get to recognize that they just asked one of "those questions". The ones that won't be answered.
I think you may be putting a little too much thought into these visits. Too much worry. I think that if your Dad forgetting whether you take coffee, tea or milk is one of MANY things he seems to be forgetting while staying with you, you could be looking at some beginnings of change. But we do get "forgetful" and especially with any anxiety of travel at a certain age. I am 80. I guarantee it.
I agree - this writer is 'over thinking' the situation ALTHOUGH I equally believe she / they are concerned about dementia / changing brain chemistry and not able / clear yet on that being the main issue and concern.
One thing I've learned working with elders (and their families) is that often (100% of the time) the family is thrown into a family-dynamic / situation (dementia) and have no clue on how to handle it / no idea of how to communicate with a loved one with changing brain chemistry.
* they want to (and do) 'talk to the parent as if they parent is 'still there' as they have been all their life.
* they talk logic which doesnt work.
* they argue which adds fuel to the fire
Learning how to respond to a person who may be / is in the beginning stages of dementia requires educating oneself on dementia - and how to respond. It doesn't come naturally, except perhaps for a very very few or those in the medical field.
You said that "they're trying to connect with you" - so give them some credit for that ...and, how about making it easier for them and YOU open up a discussion...just maybe, they'll follow YOUR lead! It sounds like they may be bored by you.
* Showing an interest in another is always a 'good' approach.
* I do not see this as being a 'good conversationalist' like at a cocktail party. This is family.
- showing interest.
- listening
- understanding or trying to understand the 'impulse' response behavior (which seems to be the major point this writer is asking about).
It sounds to me like you are reprimanding these young family members.
Why?
To say something about the parent(s) being 'bored' by you is so insensitive and sounds judgmental and mean spirited. When a person writes 'us' on this forum, they are seeking support. Hopefully, in the future, you will consider (how you) your response before you write it.
This is much deeper than 'bored' - it is likely about dementia and aging parent(s) ... and the loss of a parent as one has known all their life... it is about the parent losing a part of themselves, their memory ... and feeling frightened, confused, scared.
This is how I consider questions posed here.
Gena / Touch Matters
Look, I'm about to be 70, and my memory ain't what it used to be. My daughter just said to me on the phone "I haven't had my coffee yet" and I thought to myself "but you don't drink coffee", except I guess she does.
If dad asks an off the wall question, how about "why do you ask?" as a suitable response.
And even if neither parent has any mental decline you can still meet them where they're at and just make the best/most out of your time together, because some day they won't be here anymore and you may just end up wishing for one more day with them.
We use to enjoy their visits, having the grand-daughters here was so much fun. Lot of chit-chat going on. Lot of sight-seeing, etc.
But once the grand-daughters became teens and cellphones got into their hands, and their Mom's hands, forgetaboutit. It was like everyone forgot how to talk to each other.
We did Christmas Eve, Thanksgiving, Easter as a family @ my parents house for many years. 2011 everyone came, 2012 only my sister and one daughter came, 2013&2014 nobody came although my sister stopped by the 26th to pick up her kids gifts.. Very sad because non of us knew that my father would be dying of CHF in 2015. I remember how hurt he was. It's just been me & mom since 2016 and we're not invited to family holidays. I've tried arranging for everyone to come here but always hear excuses from my sister. I did get almost everyone to come the 23rd in 2021&2022 to at least see moms 2 great granddaughters. She didn't recognize her now 14 yr old ggd.
What is quality time to you? It may be way different from what it would be to them.
Ask them about their lives, comment about their activities and how you might be interested in them. Mention that you miss this or that or whatever about the old neighborhood where you grew up, ask if they keep in touch with so-and-so. Let the conversation grow from YOUR interest in THEM.
It's simply a matter of being good conversationalists, and that seems to be an art that too many have forgotten. There are plenty of tips online if you want to brush up on your skills, but the first thing is usually to focus on THEM, not on yourselves.
I know people who cannot catch a breath for half an hour while marching out every last cute action of every grandchild, or their gardening, or (the worst) their golf game the other day. I actually started to go to sleep when Rude Aunt was nattering on and on for 45 minutes about civic matters in a town I don't live near and with people I've never met and have no idea who they are. Needless to say, I try to spend minimal time with such bores.
Quality time to me is exchanging ideas and original thoughts, and it needs to be participation on all sides with all making an effort.
She would organize my kitchen pantry foods in size order. Which had nothing to do with common sense, so cake flour was next to boxed potatoes, etc bc it looked pretty to the eye. Bedlam to deal with, but hey, OCD you don't argue with.
Mom dug up ADT Security stickers in my junk drawer and adhered them to windows so high up that had no stair access bc "burglars were lurking" everywhere. 20 years later I still can't scrape them off bc I think she used super glue for extra hold.
If my folks were "driving me bonkers" asking if I liked coffee, I'd have kissed the ground and sang Hallelujah. Speaking of coffee, mom had to drink hers SO HOT, she'd put it in the microwave after it brewed, for 2 minutes, so it was literally boiling. One day her cockatiel flew into her coffee cup and burned all the skin off of her leg. Dad had to give her shots of antibiotics daily for 2 weeks to save her life. 🙄
It could be worse. Be glad the phenomenon is not happening often and you still have an oven kno with temperature settings on it! 😁
No one drives another bonkers ... without their permission. In other words, no one 'makes' another do anything. A person on the receiving end allows it.
Learning to set compassionate boundaries critically important to learn.
And, it is important to do so for the safety of all concerned.