We’d love for it to be quality time, but we end up being constantly thrown off by questions from our parents (3 of 4 divorced - ages 74 to 79) that seem to come out of their mouths without thinking about the answer first. It’s like they’re trying to connect with us, and we used to have great relationships but now it’s my 79yr old dad asking if I like coffee, which, of course I do. He’s a conversationalist, and i know he’s just trying to start one and re-connect with us, but we don’t think they have dementia. Thanks for any input on this phenomenon, and how to deal with it.
Out of sight, out of mind. You moved out and got on with your lives, and we did the same. It has nothing to do with my cognitive skills. It has to do with being engaged in other things now.
Plus over the years, when it comes to food and drinks, taste do change. We use to be huge pizza eaters, but now that we are older, the pizza menu gets tossed aside. I know that our adult children won't remember that when they come to visit, and want to order a family size pizza.
with him.
dad died 1 1/2 years ago and I miss him and our talks.
work out a visit schedule so you and your parents can have a quality life together.
I hope my kids want to spend time with my husband and I when we get older
When one tries to look for this account the "kitten page pops up"
It sounds like they are trying way too hard to have a connection with you and to be in your lives. And it sounds like you really don’t want to be around them for a great lengths of time. It might be better to stop hosting these visits since it sounds like it is stressful for you. Go visit them several times a year for a weekend staying at a motel so you can control the duration of your visit. That might be a way around the situation.
That you call this a phenomenon is interesting to me. I interpret this to me that this way of communicating with you is new. And that you do not know how to respond / handle it - (which may be obvious - what you are asking us here...)
Educate yourselves on dementia / various kinds and levels by going to Teepa Snow's website. Or call her office. Lots of information on her website. I studied with her for over 1-1/2 years and printed out ALL KINDS of information she offered through webinars.
You dad may feel uncomfortable for any number of reasons, including that, due to, perhaps the beginning of dementia, he doesn't know (is unable to communicate as he used to be able to do). He might be trying to 'hide' the fact that he is confused OR very aware that his brain is changing and he is embarrassed and frightened).
Impulse Control, or the lack thereof - happens to many of us.
Yes, they may speak without thinking. Could be anxiety, excitement, confusion / brain changes.
Consider if / what medications he / she / they are on and how this may be affecting their communication / behavior.
How you handle it.
1) Stay calm.
2) Don't take their 'impulse' responses 'too' personally. They likely cannot help how they are communicating and know that there are reasons for this shift. Be a listener, first.
3) Try reflective listening ...
"Oh yes, I like coffee, would you like something to drink now? I have xxx"
(this isn't exactly reflective listening ... let me try again)
"I'm tired... its been a long trip."
Response: Oh, you are tired now? what would you like take a rest?"
(this isn't exactly reflective listening either)
"I went into the garden today and found a beautiful rose."
Response: You found a beautiful rose?
(this allows the person to elaborate and / or add to what they already said).
While all these are perhaps useful responses, a 'true' reflective response clearly reflects back their own words.
4) It is always a good rule of thumb that when you do not know how to respond (we all find ourselves there, especially with varying degrees of dementia - and words / thoughts / conversation communications can and DO come out in all kinds of ways ... to respond:
* That is an interesting thought, I'll have to think about it and get back to you... then change the subject.
* I never thought of that. (Stop).
* Yes, I agree.
* I don't know, I'll check into it.
Know that it is MORE THAN OKAY to not have 'ready made' responses to anything they say.
Pauses are okay.
Saying I don't know is okay.
If you want to know more about why they are responding as they are, I believe you need to
1) be a good listener;
2) check on meds (physical/mental health and sleep;
3) see if you / they could be medically evaluated (although - for the record, some people with dementia can 'fool' an MD as they often ask very pointed questions and the person can answer ... even the dementia 'test' - a person can do that.
The key is for you to (also) manage what / how much 'energy' of this nature you can handle. It might be better if they stay in a hotel or Air b n b close by vs in your home. You need to take care of yourselves equally as you want to care / take care of them.
Gena / Touch Matters
We use to enjoy their visits, having the grand-daughters here was so much fun. Lot of chit-chat going on. Lot of sight-seeing, etc.
But once the grand-daughters became teens and cellphones got into their hands, and their Mom's hands, forgetaboutit. It was like everyone forgot how to talk to each other.
We did Christmas Eve, Thanksgiving, Easter as a family @ my parents house for many years. 2011 everyone came, 2012 only my sister and one daughter came, 2013&2014 nobody came although my sister stopped by the 26th to pick up her kids gifts.. Very sad because non of us knew that my father would be dying of CHF in 2015. I remember how hurt he was. It's just been me & mom since 2016 and we're not invited to family holidays. I've tried arranging for everyone to come here but always hear excuses from my sister. I did get almost everyone to come the 23rd in 2021&2022 to at least see moms 2 great granddaughters. She didn't recognize her now 14 yr old ggd.
My sister loved my Mom's visits because she would have a list of things for my Mom to do, like clean the oven, rearrange the kid's play wall, go through old clothes, do laundry, clean the kitchen shelves, pull the weeds in the garden, etc. Then my Mom would state how my sister just needed her and how she was doing a service for her and not getting any thanks.
I found my Mom's visits intrusive and irritating. My house was organized the way I wanted it and I valued everything in it. I did not make a list of things for my Mom to do because in my mind, there wasn't anything I wanted her to do, other than just enjoy the scenery (she came (with advance notice) and I did not suggest that she come). Many decades later, I finally had the self confidence to tell her that she was an awful guest. She and I had a heated discussion.
My Mom came to visit, because she wanted to be needed and wanted something to do with a change of scenery. She wanted to talk to someone. I told her that she needed to go visit my sister more often as my sister truly needed her. I'm an introvert and happy to just be.
So, I'm thinking, that is what is going on with your parents. They want to be needed, they want a change of scenery aka adventure, and they want to have conversation.
If this is it, I would suggest the following:
1. If they drive, put out brochures or arrange for ideas for them to do during the day. Encourage them to go out and do stuff. Take a drive in the mountains. Then you and they would have something to "discuss".
2. If they don't drive, arrange for them to do something during the day. If you live in the metro area, maybe they can take the light rail and visit things. Zoo and Botanical Gardens or a walk in an enclosed mall, come to mind.
3. Arrange with them ahead of time, of how long of a visit they will have. Maybe they stay at a motel/hotel for part or most of the time, while they are with you for dinner.
4. If they have hobbies, have material at your house that is connected to their hobbies, just so that they can be occupied and you can have some time to yourself. Warning: they could get through the activity much faster than you planned.
5. Check in with the local senior center, library, etc. and see if there are any "events" that they can attend. If you belong to a church, see if there is a volunteer opportunity that they can be involved in while they are at your house.
I'm sorry. The situation really sucks.
To this very day, I still do not miss those endless, pointless conversations and the intrusiveness of my Mom's visits....and she is now in a Memory Care unit. In many ways, I don't know how I survived those times of my life.
My sister sees it differently.
I am so glad my son has invited me to cruise with him in a few weeks. Both of us have said how excited we are for the chance to spend some time a lone together. Both of us have spouses we love dearly and both are supportive of this trip without them. FYI-no he was not a only child.
It was very nice that you took a cruise with your son though.
Spending time together (as you respond here) is very different from an adult child learning how to communicate with a parent who (may have) has the beginning stages of dementia.
The question doesn't - in the least - imply that the daughter/fiance do not care. They do care, which is why they are seeking support / ideas here.
She would organize my kitchen pantry foods in size order. Which had nothing to do with common sense, so cake flour was next to boxed potatoes, etc bc it looked pretty to the eye. Bedlam to deal with, but hey, OCD you don't argue with.
Mom dug up ADT Security stickers in my junk drawer and adhered them to windows so high up that had no stair access bc "burglars were lurking" everywhere. 20 years later I still can't scrape them off bc I think she used super glue for extra hold.
If my folks were "driving me bonkers" asking if I liked coffee, I'd have kissed the ground and sang Hallelujah. Speaking of coffee, mom had to drink hers SO HOT, she'd put it in the microwave after it brewed, for 2 minutes, so it was literally boiling. One day her cockatiel flew into her coffee cup and burned all the skin off of her leg. Dad had to give her shots of antibiotics daily for 2 weeks to save her life. 🙄
It could be worse. Be glad the phenomenon is not happening often and you still have an oven kno with temperature settings on it! 😁
No one drives another bonkers ... without their permission. In other words, no one 'makes' another do anything. A person on the receiving end allows it.
Learning to set compassionate boundaries critically important to learn.
And, it is important to do so for the safety of all concerned.
My mother is no longer able to travel and she does now have the early stages of dementia. They don’t really fight any more but I dare say both she and my brother long to return to the days when she could travel, even with the fights.
What is quality time to you? It may be way different from what it would be to them.
Ask them about their lives, comment about their activities and how you might be interested in them. Mention that you miss this or that or whatever about the old neighborhood where you grew up, ask if they keep in touch with so-and-so. Let the conversation grow from YOUR interest in THEM.
It's simply a matter of being good conversationalists, and that seems to be an art that too many have forgotten. There are plenty of tips online if you want to brush up on your skills, but the first thing is usually to focus on THEM, not on yourselves.
I know people who cannot catch a breath for half an hour while marching out every last cute action of every grandchild, or their gardening, or (the worst) their golf game the other day. I actually started to go to sleep when Rude Aunt was nattering on and on for 45 minutes about civic matters in a town I don't live near and with people I've never met and have no idea who they are. Needless to say, I try to spend minimal time with such bores.
Quality time to me is exchanging ideas and original thoughts, and it needs to be participation on all sides with all making an effort.
You said that "they're trying to connect with you" - so give them some credit for that ...and, how about making it easier for them and YOU open up a discussion...just maybe, they'll follow YOUR lead! It sounds like they may be bored by you.
* Showing an interest in another is always a 'good' approach.
* I do not see this as being a 'good conversationalist' like at a cocktail party. This is family.
- showing interest.
- listening
- understanding or trying to understand the 'impulse' response behavior (which seems to be the major point this writer is asking about).
It sounds to me like you are reprimanding these young family members.
Why?
To say something about the parent(s) being 'bored' by you is so insensitive and sounds judgmental and mean spirited. When a person writes 'us' on this forum, they are seeking support. Hopefully, in the future, you will consider (how you) your response before you write it.
This is much deeper than 'bored' - it is likely about dementia and aging parent(s) ... and the loss of a parent as one has known all their life... it is about the parent losing a part of themselves, their memory ... and feeling frightened, confused, scared.
This is how I consider questions posed here.
Gena / Touch Matters
And even if neither parent has any mental decline you can still meet them where they're at and just make the best/most out of your time together, because some day they won't be here anymore and you may just end up wishing for one more day with them.
So we are down to visits. I wouldn't take seriously much that I have heard from you above. I think such questions pretty innocent. But if a question feels at all invasive I would consistently answer "I would need to think on that a bit! I will get back to you". It is really the best and most honest answer for such things as "When will you start having grandbabies for us" and so on. They will soon get to recognize that they just asked one of "those questions". The ones that won't be answered.
I think you may be putting a little too much thought into these visits. Too much worry. I think that if your Dad forgetting whether you take coffee, tea or milk is one of MANY things he seems to be forgetting while staying with you, you could be looking at some beginnings of change. But we do get "forgetful" and especially with any anxiety of travel at a certain age. I am 80. I guarantee it.
I agree - this writer is 'over thinking' the situation ALTHOUGH I equally believe she / they are concerned about dementia / changing brain chemistry and not able / clear yet on that being the main issue and concern.
One thing I've learned working with elders (and their families) is that often (100% of the time) the family is thrown into a family-dynamic / situation (dementia) and have no clue on how to handle it / no idea of how to communicate with a loved one with changing brain chemistry.
* they want to (and do) 'talk to the parent as if they parent is 'still there' as they have been all their life.
* they talk logic which doesnt work.
* they argue which adds fuel to the fire
Learning how to respond to a person who may be / is in the beginning stages of dementia requires educating oneself on dementia - and how to respond. It doesn't come naturally, except perhaps for a very very few or those in the medical field.
I'm finding that electronic communication has made me less of a communicator in some ways. Almost always, electronic communication is about removing the fluff and getting to the point (don't waste time!) Oral conversations encouraged whimsy, tangential thoughts and even absurdity. Be patient and just go with the flow.
You'll know the difference with dementia. It's more of a same exact question being asked three times within 4 minutes type
that occurs many times a day.
The below link is Tam Cummings talking about the different stages. Stage 4 is where non-spouse family members typically see dementia impact. It might reassure you with the worry about your loved ones.
https://youtu.be/tansVVDM0fE
Look, I'm about to be 70, and my memory ain't what it used to be. My daughter just said to me on the phone "I haven't had my coffee yet" and I thought to myself "but you don't drink coffee", except I guess she does.
If dad asks an off the wall question, how about "why do you ask?" as a suitable response.