My heart breaks every time I go to see my husband who has been in memory care for a week. Any advice?

Remember why you placed him to begin with: "He is angry and agitated all the time. Yells at me constantly." Keeping DH home was no longer a viable option and that's why you placed him in Memory Care in the first place: to keep him safe & properly cared for, AND to keep YOU sane and safe at the same time.

There are TWO people here that need to be kept safe and well cared for: you and your husband. When dementia strikes a family, everyone suffers, not just the person with dementia. You are going through this WITH your husband, meaning YOU need care and attention too. You can't be subjecting yourself to his anger and agitation all the time at home, b/c that's no environment for YOU to be living in, walking on eggshells constantly in your own home. Yes, it's 'not his fault but the fault of the disease', but nonetheless, the 'anger yelling and agitation' was causing YOU grief and had to be remedied.

That said, you remedied the situation by placing your DH in a safe and secure environment. That doesn't mean HE is particularly happy about being there. He needs time to adjust to the new environment, and you need to allow him that adjustment time w/o hovering around worrying over him. Naturally, your heart will hurt to hear that 'he hates it there' and 'wants to go home', but the vast majority of folks with dementia insist on 'going home' even when they LIVE in their own home of 50 years or more! #Truth

Stay away from the Memory Care ALF for a little while to allow your DH to adjust to the new place and to make some friends and get familiarized with the activities and the new routine. Call him ONCE a day on the phone and let the rest of the calls go to voicemail, that's my suggestion.

When you do visit, keep the visits brief and upbeat. Bring him some snacks and small gifts, sit outside in the garden or watch a movie together. You can even take a nap together if he's up for it.

Remember this: everyone loses when dementia comes into the picture. He may not ever like living in the Memory Care ALF but he has been afflicted with dementia, so it's a lose-lose situation for EVERYONE now. This is the best of a bad situation for both of you. Taking him back home, as others with NO FIRSTHAND EXPERIENCE will recommend is never an answer because living with an aggressive and angry/yelling dementia patient is NEVER a good idea. Your safety is #1. Don't forget that. Dementia patients have been known to pull knives and beat up their loved ones due to brain damage that's out of their control and why Memory Care is the right decision for patients with such issues.

You did the right thing. I had my mother in Memory Care AL for nearly 3 years and know just how you feel. She had such great care where she was, I can't say enough good things about the staff in her MC ALF. If I had it to do all over again, even with all the heartache she gave me, I'd place her there again in a New York minute. She was safe, well cared for, as happy as SHE was able to be, well fed, and kept busy for the majority of the day. She'd NEVER have gotten that experience at home, that's for sure. One person can never replicate what teams of caregivers do on a 24/7 basis.

Wishing you the best of luck getting past this adjustment phase of DH's placement.

Go get him!

Suhoke: Many patients ask to go home, but he is in the right place. Perhaps as others have said, give it some time for him to settle in.

Make a list of all the reasons why he must stay where he is. Make a list of all the problems you would have keeping him at home. Look at those lists frequently and be grateful he is being well-cared for. Eventually, he will settle in.

Here's what I've observed over 3 years at my mother's memory care. The majority of residents are women. There might be 2 -3 men max in the building, often of vastly different levels of impairment. The majority of activities are geared to women's interests and activity level--crafts, cooking projects, picture puzzles, sing-alongs, watering flowers, folding laundry. During meals, the men are intentionally distributed to different tables rather than seated together. There are group activities to watch a movie, but never any group activities to watch sports matches or the news. All this adds up to no male bonding or friendships, while some of the women form bonds with each other as they are able. A more able man, who can still converse and understand other people's reactions, becomes popular among the women, and romances may form, but usually the men have much less social interaction. If the man is less able, less interactive, he is very lucky if he has a woman pal who is concerned for him. Staff (almost all female) are very intimidated by male residents who are mobile, tall or big, loud, demanding, resisting care. I've seen female staff scream and run away from a male resident who was walking toward them. Female staff learn quickly which residents are difficult, and they tend to avoid the difficult ones as much as possible. Male residents are more likely to be perceived as agitated and dangerous, while a female resident would not be perceived that way, even if they exhibit the same behavior.

Hard to say but don’t see him as often we often forget about ourselves when caring for a loved one.

In addition to the very good suggestions for dealing with the hard choice to place a LO in a care setting it’s important to make sure the setting is providing all it promised. With the help of siblings, I placed mom in an assisted living facility. We provided a radio so she could listen to operas. At each visit, staff had changed station to rock and roll. Attempts to stop this we’re frustrating ending in “there’s nothing we can do.” It was clear that this very large facility had little control over staff. We moved her to an AL where she was content for 12 years until her passing. POINT: be a detective. Look for reasons for a LOs discontent other than the expressed wish to “go home.”

You're right, friend. Placing a loved one is a gut-wrenching decision, but not made lightly. I placed my husband in MC 8 months ago and he still occasionally packs up and wants to come back home. The staff tell me this is very common, and one of the worst things you can do is take them back home for a visit and then try to get them back to the MC. It's too much emotionally for either of you to deal with. So don't be guilted into doing that.

I'd also encourage you to ignore the "advice" of people who like to make snarky remarks that cause you to doubt yourself or feel more distress. There are lots of supportive folks out there and you will find them. The Alzheimer's Association can tell you where to find support groups in your area. They are wonderful!

The bottom line is, give it some time. It's a big adjustment for you and your husband. My mistake was taking my hubby out for lunch or a drive nearly every day in the beginning. It established, in his mind, that he was just visiting and not like the other residents. I've learned, slowly, to listen to the staff and take their advice if it makes sense to you. They care about your husband, too, and they've got the benefit of experience.

I hope this has been helpful. Hang in there. You are not alone.

Unfortunately, with Lewy Body Dementia, he WILL need more help than you can provide on your own. Moving Mom to Memory Care was the best decision for her AND us. Mom started wandering and her personality changed almost overnight. A GOOD MC will become their home. A place where things always happen at the same time and where he will always have the assistance he needs.

Like others Dad was told to only call the first 2 weeks and others went to see her. She adapted really quickly and after a few weeks began calling her room her HOME
My mom is on hospice now and in a wheelchair or bed 24/7. NO way we could have done this part at home💜

"Take Me Home". by Phil Collins.

I’m sorry you’re going through this, such a hard transition for you both. Your husband is blessed to have you looking out for his best interests even if he can never acknowledge that. Don’t discuss taking him home, it’s an endless looping conversation that will only frustrate you both. Change the subject as often as it takes. I hope this phase will pass soon and I wish you both peace

It's natural for him to want to come home. Try to stay upbeat and explore the facilities with him. Go while there are activities and see if you can join in until he starts to get acclimated. Can you sit with him at lunchtime and help him engage with other residents? Listen to his concerns and try to mitigate them. Seek out a well liked aide and ask for help with this. Make sure his room has many of the same comforts of home. If he has hobbies, try to give him access to them.
Ultimately the goal is for him to feel safe and secure in his surroundings. In time, that will happen - but if it doesn't - look into alternatives such as in-home care or another facility.

There are many people on this forum who truly love the person they had to place. For these, it’s heartbreaking to watch your loved one struggle with placement and then watch them deteriorate day by day until they sometimes become someone who neither looks like or acts like the person they used to be.

I suggest daily visitation if possible. You are your husband ‘s lifeline and he may come to accept placement if he sees you frequently and you keep him up to date on news and family matters until he slowly fades away. And this method will also help you cope with the inevitability of your decision. It’s hard but he will eventually adjust if you are there for him and take him out of the facility and back into the real world as frequently as you can.

I have had experience with 4 different homes, they all said the same thing, back off for a few weeks, let the new resident get acclimated to their new surroundings.

All of my LO's wanted to go home, it is what they do, complain and try to manipulate others to get what they want.

99% of the people adjust, make new friends and join in on the activities. Hopefully, he falls into that catagory.

Time. It takes time. The first few weeks of my mom’s placement, I wanted to bring her home every night. My husband just could not visit. He was more upset than I was. But time is a wonderful thing. She has been placed 3 months. She has adjusted to the routine and rhythm of the environment, has begun to trust the aids, and ( unfortunately) completely forgotten my home where she lived for more than 5 years. It was, by far, the hardest decision I have every made. Give it time, if you can. Hugs!

My mom packed everything including wall items for a month straight. She begged to get out. My heart broke. I got online counseling.. it took 16 weeks to wrap my brain around moms memory care situation. No easy way through this dementia. Mom adjusted and eventually was able to move to an assisted living vs memory care unit. She is happy again. I am relaxed. She has Lewy Body. So sorry.

Let him settle in and get used to the people, the routine.
He will find someone that he will connect with that will become a "safe person" for him.
I always said when caring for my Husband I was ruled by 2 major organs in my body. My HEAD and my HEART. I just had to make the right decisions with my Head and hope that my heart would accept some of the decisions.

It would be quite unusual, and actually much sadder, if he weren’t saying he wanted to go home at this stage of his adjustment.

Why? Because it would indicate passive acceptance of a drastic change from his former life to his present one.

You are very likely suffering far more, because you are fully aware of your loss, and his.

Try going every other day, calling, brief (BRIEF) face timing- “ooops, there’s the door bell..”.

His work right now is adjusting to his current surroundings and allowing his caregivers to become part of his team. If you are there too often, for too long, it may be more confusing to him to figure out who does what.

You are feeling the natural feelings of a loving spouse. Try to stay in the moment whe you visit, excuse yourself immediately and leave if he becomes uncomfortable or belligerent, and allow his caregivers to do what they’re trained for.

Hardest thing I ever had to do when we placed my mom, but she soon thrived and loved and WAS LOVED by her caregivers.

It will happen for your husband too.

Suhoke, one suggestion that most Memory Care facilities make is that you don't visit for 3 weeks, thus giving time for one's love one to settle in. You can telephone him.