I am concerned especially because he has always handled the finances, and would not put my name as joint owner on major accounts. Our living trust was done over 25 years ago, with me named as having POA. He is now withholding money from me, for household expenses, instead keeping a stash of cash from which he doles out money. Today I asked him to write a check for my account and instead he laboriously counted out money. It took him an hour! When I said please just write a check, he said he was too tired. I am now suspicious that he can’t write a check on his own. Many of our bills are autopay from his account. He also no longer understands his IRA and wants to take all of that money out at once, which would be a huge tax problem. When I tell him this, he gets defiant. Ten years ago he wrote a check for $12,000 to a woman employee of his credit union, tho they had only spoken on the phone. Thankfully I was able to get the money back. We have been married for over 50 years, live in CA, a community property state.
So if you need a diagnosis, you may need to now employ "therapeutic fibs" to get him assessed by his doctor. We are close to a new year, and he will be eligible for his free Medicare wellness exam. Make an appointment for the both of you. Go to the appointment with a pre-written note to hand discretely to the staff outlining your concerns about your husband's cognitive struggles (and give specific examples) and ask for a cognitive and memory test.
Also while at this appointment try to get him to assign you as his Medical Representative. This has to do with HIPAA and is a form on which he writes in your name and signs it. It allows you to discuss his private medical info with his doctor without him being present. I'm sorry you're going through this and wish you success in getting him diagnosed and protecting your financial resources.
Get an appointment with your bank and ask for help.
Speak with your doctor and explain the situation.
Put yourself first and look after yourself.
It seems like your husband has a lot of controlling tendencies which are being exacerbated by his cognitive decline,
One is to educate yourself about finances-- www.bogleheads.org is a great site for advice about investment and finance. It's not as complicated as you think.
Secondly, you need a lawyer. Get out your living trust and POA and get it reviewed. Find out what you need to do to get your name on all of the accounts so that you can manage them.
Is your husband properly taking RMDs from his retirement account and filing taxes on time?
Are you able to have a friend, neighbor or relative take him out of the house for a few hours so that you can do a thorough search for paperwork and cash without him freaking out? Squirreling away money and possessions is a common dementia behavior. He probably doesn't even remember all the places he is hiding things. I had to do this with my in-laws when it began to dawn on us that something was really amiss with them. My BIL got them out of the house on "errands" while we searched and found their sensitive documents, medical records, bills, and boxes and boxes and boxes of checkbooks that they kept ordering. I also had an uncle who, it was later discovered, had been hiding money in bath towels in the linen closet. I remember reading a story about a young woman who purchased an ottoman from an estate sale. She brought it home and found over $40K in cash stuffed in it, which she returned to the family. So look everywhere, even in very illogical places. If you find any cash I would remove all of it since he is becoming less able to remember.
Just saying you will now need to get creative to work around him without arousing his suspicions and increasing his agitation. Also try to read up on dementia and how the different types create different behaviors and how best to engage with our LOs who suffer from it. I wish you much success!