My husband and I would like to bring his mother to our home to live. Where can I seek training to qualify as her caregiver?

Hi blong82264. I admire you so much for your willingness to take your MIL into your home and be her caregiver, plus go through training. You strike me as someone who has a huge heart. I don't know about your current situation, such as what you do for work... and I'm not sure about Genworth.

But I do have a couple of questions. We overlooked how much our lives would change in bringing an elderly parent into our home. I think a lot of folks on this forum are in the same boat. At the time, it seemed like the right thing to do. We were so preoccupied by her needs, that we did not consider ours.. You say that your MIL will be much happier with you and your hubby, but have you fully considered your happiness in the equation? Have you considered the impact of having her move into your home will have on all aspects of your life - emotional, relationships, financial, privacy, etc?

😂

Are you new to this site, by any chance, Blong?

You'll have to forgive my levity. I'm just imagining cups of coffee coming out of people's noses all around the world when they read your post.

It is very sensible to think of training for the role you propose to take on.

It's just that we need to go back a bit.

Caring for a loved one, on your own, at home, with or without training, and giving up your job to do it...

Why is this not a good idea? Let me count the ways...

It *can* be a good idea. It can work. It's just that - what are we guessing? - 99 times out of 100? - if people had known in advance what they discover halfway through they would never have taken the job on.

Bear with us while we get our questions lined up.

I don't know anything about the training part.
but depending on her short term memory...how bad is it? (and it slowly gets worse)
because ~besides~ any other medical condition....this will be very challenging.

as the dementia increases, so does bad judgment.

I used to be able to communicate with my mom when her memory was about 10 minutes long. now her memory is maybe ONE SECOND. so what ever I tell her goes in one ear and immediately out the other. and she will tell you "she is just fine"...she has no problems. and her judgment is bad. If she lived with me, I would have to watch her 24/7.

I have a simple, three word answer: Don't do it! Mom's condition will just be getting worse and her needs will just be getting greater. While she would be happier living with you now, her safety and your happiness need to be considered as well.

I don't drink coffee, but Diet Coke shot out my nose when I read your post----ouch!

As far as training, I don't know--every state has different requirements to fulfill in order to be paid for in home CG.

Having said that---
MIL is IN a facility now? Can you not just make that a better environment for her? I know you are probably the kindest soul on earth to think that this move would be "best" for MIL--and maybe, just maybe, it would be.

Are you operating on guilt? A feeling of obligation? There are SO MANY folks on these boards who are desperately working to GET their parents INTO some kind of ALF so they DON'T have the burden of FT caregiving. Read a lot of posts....some are absolutely horrifying.

Quitting your job will be huge. You're trading 40 hrs per week for 24/7 hours per week. Much less pay, a ton more stress, MIL will not get "better", only worse, that's the truth.

Take an hour and troll through these boards, esp the one on depression and caregiver burnout.

I think you sound amazing. But naïve.

If after all you read, you're still convinced mom would be better with you, then I wish you all the best.

blong82264, your Mom-in-law is in Assisted Living for a reason, it takes a village to help take care of a person who has Alzheimer's/Dementia.

It is not unusual for a resident of an Assisted Living facility or a nursing home to not be happy where they are. And the same would hold true if you brought your Mom-in-law into your home. The only place Mom would enjoy would be her childhood home back when life was fun and simple.

You will find that before you know it you would be doing the work of 3 full-time caregivers. You would be exhausted from the lost of sleep,and from all the physical work involved. And 40% of family caregivers pass away leaving behind the love one they were caring. Not good odds.

Regarding your employment. Most people who contemplate leaving their job don't take into consideration the net worth of any benefit that they receive. The net worth of company offered health insurance is enormous. Matching 401(k) and profit sharing if offered by your company. Company sponsored life insurance. Paid vacation days, paid sick days, etc.

Will your husband be helping? He probably said he would, but would he bathe his Mom, probably not. Would he change her Depends, doubt it. Would he run out to buy groceries, hope so. Would he take Mom to her doctor appointments? If you are home sick and can't help Mom, will hubby take a day off to do all the things you would be doing?

Some believe that hiring professional caregivers would help the situation. Yes, it would be a great help but only if Mom-in-law can budget for the cost. My Dad was paying $20k per month for his 3 shifts of caregivers. Assisted Living was much more reasonably priced so Dad decided to move there.

Blong.. I nearly choked on my sandwich reading your post..You truly are a saint to be so thoughtful for your MIL it all must seem ok now but have you thought long term when she gets worse is your husband willing to take on any of the responsibility of his mother..Sorry to be putting a damper on your situation. I am talking from experience my MIL moved in with us 3 years ago she it was the worst step we ever took but due to situation at that time we had no choice. 3 years later I have nobody helping me hubby totally has lumbered all the responsibility on me althou its his mother..We hardly have any marriage left his mother has got physically worse & I am burnt out feel like I have aged so much in the last 3 years. I really suggest that you think about this long term if I had a choice back then I would have said NO WAY!!!

Someone else asked a similar question about a month ago, I think that you need to look at it.
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/i-am-going-to-need-to-move-in-with-my-aging-parents-and-possibly-quit-my-job-can-i-receive-compensation-439331.htm

I am going to say the same thing that I said to that person:

As an adult child who quit her job and moved in with her mother after her father died, I advise you NOT TO QUIT YOUR JOB & NOT MOVE your MIL in with you. While my Mom was able to perform all of her ADLs up to the day that she went to the hospital, the stress of being in the same house as her 24hr/day, 7/week, 365 days/year had taken its token on my health--physically, mentally, emotionally. Yes, It saved us money because we had our "OWN Assisted Living Facility" in our house, but in the long run, it is costing me more in health insurance payments, doctor visits, therapy, and inability to return to work after being out of the workforce for 10 years.

You state that your MIL is in Assisted Living now. How much assistance does your MIL currently need to complete her ADLs (Activities of Daily Living, such as getting dressed, bathing, feeding oneself, walking, etc.) and Ancillary or Independent Activities of Daily Living--IDLs (such as writing checks, paying bills, shopping, driving a car, making decisions )? (Who is MIL's Durable POA and POA-Health Care?) If she needs physical assistance, are you strong enough to be able to transfer your MIL by yourself or is your husband going to be performing some of his Mother's cares or transfers from a chair to a bed or toilet by yourself?

Is your home handicap accessible or are you going to have to remodel it so that you MIL can get around easily? Is she going to sleep on the first floor of the house? Her ability to climb stairs will get worse and worse. If she becomes unsteady on her feet and needs someone to supervise her, will you be sleeping in the same room as her or is there another bed room on the first floor? Is the bathroom equipped with a walk-in shower big enough for a stool? Are you willing to put rails on the toilet to assist your MIL in standing? Look at your house from the view point of someone sitting in a chair. Your MIL may not use a wheel chair now, but if she has to, your house needs to be able to accommodate it. {Added: YOU may need to put a ramp on the front of your house if your MIL cannot climb stairs. Outside stairs are the hardest for the elderly to climb up or down.}

Are you prepared to give 24hours/7 days a week/365 days a year concentrating on your MIL's needs and wants and rarely being able to spend any time on your and your husbands needs and wants (unless your MIL gives you permission to do so and if her health is such that you can leave her alone for a few hours)? Are you prepared to sleep with one eye and one ear open are all times? Are you prepared to have your decisions questioned (even after you and your MIL have agreed on the same decision)? Are you prepared to not be able to go on vacation whenever you want to?

Do you and your husband have enough money in your savings accounts and mutual funds to be able to pay for your own health insurance (and car insurance and life insurance, etc.) for how ever long you do not have a job?
Since you will not have a job, you will NO LONGER be able to add to your 401K or to your former employer's retirement fund.
If your husband gets sick and cannot work or is killed in an accident, what money will be used to pay bills?
[If you do not have a job, you will NOT qualify for the current Affordable Care Act tax breaks nor can you purchase health insurance on the Marketplace website as you have NO INCOME. So you could end up paying $1,000+/month for health insurance.--unless you are covered under your husband's employee health insurance.]
Is your current job a "brick & mortar" building to do or can you perform your current job using your laptop? How will you stay up-to-date in your current field of employment if you are not employed? The longer you are NOT employed the less likely someone will be to hire you.

Any money that your MIL gives to you for taking care of you might be considered as a "gift" by Medicaid and might be counted against her 5-year "look-back" period. Unless you have a contract with MIL that you will provide care for a certain amount of money.

The first 7 years that I lived with my Mom were "good" years as Mom could take care of herself and we got along fairly well and occasionally had disagreements. In July 2015, Mom changed and she started to question everything I did --even if she and I had spent 2-3 hours sitting together making decisions about how to pay bills, etc. She started to have "small" delusions, I had to change from sleeping in the basement to sleeping on the same level as she did and I had to get up every time she got up (Q 2-3 hours) as she was unsteady on her feet. I couldn't leave town for a vacation as she would not allow me to do so (even overnight visits or attending conferences for the weekend were " forbidden"). In May 2017, my Mom was hospitalized and then she transferred to a long term care facility. She is now residing in their Memory Care Unit and requires a wheelchair and mechanical lift for all transfers. I could never have given her the quality of care at home that she is getting now.

Before you make any final decision to move your MIL in with you, your husband and you need to sit down and list all of the Pros and Cons of having your MIL live with you--financial, emotional, mental, physical and psychological. Read some of the posts on this website to see what others have had to deal with as their parents got older and needed more and more care.

Please think realistically about what your MIL's future needs might be and what your ability to care for her might be before moving her in with you. There are so many other options that might be just as good --or even better-- then moving in with your parents. If you decide that you want your MIL to live with you and your husband, there are several posts and articles about how to adapt to an additional family member on this website. Good Luck & God Bless!

I would suggest 6 actions:

1. Search for similar posts, read them, itemize the problems, issues and solutions, and think about them and discuss with your husband. Develop solutions, by you and your husband, family if any will participate, outside agencies as WILL be necessary.

Be sure to include respite time for yourselves. And be sure to cost out the planned expenditures for private duty care, ambulettes, etc.

Also consider and cost out any adaptations, retrofits and/or additions you would have to make to accommodate MIL in your home.

2. Include in that last all the negatives, how you would handle them, and what you would have to sacrifice and how that would affect your lifestyle.

3. Read Jeanne Gibbs' posts. She's been a home caregiver with a remarkable attitude toward having done it as well as developed coping mechanisms. PM her and ask her for advice.

4. Consider and plan for mid-course corrections, after identifying everything that could go wrong, change and/or require a different approach.

5. Find local caregiver support groups; join a few if possible, and listen to problems others had and how they (tried to) resolve them. Take the Alzheimer's Assn. Creating Confident Caregiver course, identify and separate the problems and discuss privately how and if you could handle them.

6. Think about all of this for a few months before making a decision.

It can be done. I know someone who kept her husband with Alzheimer's at home for the 13 years from inception to death. She brought in a caregiver and the two of them managed the care themselves. But that's not the kind of situation that everyone can handle. You need to be prepared for extremely personal tasks when incontinence sets in, for the various stages of dementia, including but not limited to aggression.

I agree about researching others. Know that it will be an incredible strain on you in a variety of ways: mental , physical , financial, emotional. Are you close enough that you can use her current doctors? Can you afford in home aids to help? Do you have stairs and mulitple bathrooms? If you decide you want to do this . I dont know about classes but get one of the aids to show you how to lift properly so you dont hurt your back. Maybe take a cpr class.

If this is what you want to do, Go For It.

I agree with the others. Don't quit your job. Don't let MIL move in with you. But if you do, make sure that your husband, her son, does 90% of the work, you 3% and outside help the rest. Please pay attention to what we are telling you. Somehow this letter seems made up, like it was for a term paper or something.

I live with my elderly grandmother and continue to work full time. I juggle being her caregiver and working and I wouldn’t have it any other way. Work is an escape for me.
It’s very stressful caring for someone full time in your home or theirs. It’s dreadful at times, giving up your freedom and personal space to care for a loved one.
Listen to the wisdom and experiences of others on this site, even if you choose to become a caregiver.
Would I do it again if I had known the stress and anxiety involved in caring for my grandmother? Yes. But watching her decline has been heartbreaking.

What a wonderful gift of love and sacrifice you are bestowing upon your Mother in law. If you have that much love you can do it.
Why not volunteer at the facility she is currently at and shadow them in her care. That will give you more knowledge of her situation and how they offer care to her.
I wish you the best and will be praying for you. This is a sacrificial labor of love and I believe that you can do it.
But, know that at times it will be difficult, but God is a very present help in times of trouble. And we can do all things through Christ who gives us strength.

Sweet lady, you would not need training, aside, perhaps, from reading a book entitled "The 36 hour day" a resource for taking care of a memory impaired loved one in you home...Be aware that nothing you do is going to necessarily be understood by your loved one...She may well be very contrary. You WILL be exhausted and frustrated and sooner or later burned out. If funds are available, leave her in the assisted living place. If not, perhaps she'd qualify for Medicaid.. (Ask the facility to have an assessment done on her.) Go to you local county social services and present your situation to them..

Meanwhile, be grateful for the gifts of the spirit, which you obviously have: Love,
joy, peace patience kindness goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.
But my advice is: Don't do this to yourself..

Grace + Peace,

Bob

My siblings and I take care of mom, who has short term memory loss, and it's a chore with three of us. One of us goes morning and night to make sure mom takes her meds and has a decent meal. She is a joy to us but it does put a limit on what you can do with your life. My sister and I are retired and would love to take a trip but then you have to find someone you can trust to show up twice a day and do what we do. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad to have my mom and double glad that I'm retired and have the time to look after her needs but I would like to travel without putting the whole watching mom deal (I don't want to call it a burden because it really is a privilege) on my sister. It's very hard to get someone to take care of mom so we can both go away because she doesn't need around the clock supervision. If you take mom out of the living arrangements she's in now it may be hard to get her back in when you need to do so. Just visit her often where she is. Chances are she won't remember anyway. I have people that visit mom tell me that she says she hasn't seen any of us in a while but of course everyone knows better than that.

All I can say is this: take off your rose-colored glasses and listen to the wisdom in these posts!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have been caring for my husband for nine years. It is soooooooo confining, soooooooooo demanding, and he is an easy going person.

If you don't have to do this, don't do it!

ARE YOU SURE you want to do this? Are you ready to spend about $100 a month or more on diapers, gloves and incontinence products? Are you willing to give her bath yourself (and if you have a bathtub chances are you will have to get that changed out to a standing shower because they eventually won't be able to bathe in a tub). Are you willing to change her diapers frequently because she forgot how to use the bathroom? My mom has end-stage Alzheimer's and I can get her on the toilet and she will just fiddle with her diapers and everything else..and not go to the bathroom but will later saturate her diaper. How do you feel about cleaning up her feces and it runs down her leg and goes into her private parts so you have to wash all of that out?--and if you do not clean out their private parts will that feces will cause a urinary tract infection which can kill them and definitely make them go crazy.  Do you know how stressful it is to keep doctor appointments if she did not have her bowel movement on time, constantly worrying she will just take a dump in the office. Sorry to be so blunt but that's how it is. Oh and they will be old, confused, feeble, high risk for falling in your house and you won't be able to get them up. Your ENTIRE LIFE will be sucked up into that role as caregiver. That means forget taking care of yourself. If she is in a living facility, my best advice is to put her in a nursing home. Get her on Medicaid and do it. If you do not, you will be spending many many many thousands of dollars of YOUR OWN MONEY on her care. Now I exercise my mom daily but her posture got so bad I got a physical therapist to evaluate her walker and I got a special one for $600 called Dolomite Alpha Advanced Walker--Medicare does NOT approve this kind of walker, so I paid for it with my own money. She can walk over a quarter of a mile with it easy with this device, but not with a regular walker. As for sitters, it will cost you $20 an HOUR just for someone to sit and watch her. A Certified Nurses Assistant is about $35 an hour (hands on care) and the government pays NOTHING. Now don't get me wrong I love my mom and I am very thankful I still have her with me. Every single day I really suffer taking care of her but I know one day she will die and I will never see her again. Every single night when I finally tuck her into bed I tell her good night and I say "I love you" and kiss her cheek--she really understand that despite how bad her Alzheimer's is and when she smiles it is the most precious thing in the world to me. But I am also saying the effect caregiving will have on your life. And chances are your family will not help you. I get no help from anybody.  I keep my mom awake and moving during the day and she sleeps all night. That takes a LOT of work. You CANNOT just let them sleep all day or you will have Sundowner's which makes them extremely crazy at night.  DO NOT USE MEDS because psychiatric drugs make them MORE UNSTEADY which risks falling.  And that's another reason why I kiss my mom's cheek at night and tell her I love her and good night because she understands that and she knows it is bedtime and believe me she really sleeps all night--but I have to struggle to keep her awake during the day and MOVING. But I do love my mom and I will not be able to cope without her. Perhaps it was that role as caregiver that made me this way..she 100% depends on me as much as I do her.  that is how your mind copes with the daily seven-day-a-week struggle of caregiving.

I couldn't help but comment as this is the SAME question that I asked last year - except mine was phrased - mom wants me to quit my job to take care of her - along those lines - and after this year has passed I have to tell you I am so glad I held my ground - I did not quit my job, nor did I allow mom to move in with us. Her health is stable but her mind is growing worse.

Please, please please whatever you do - LISTEN to the comments here - do NOT quit your job and turn your life upside down to care for your MIL at your home. If you must - take some time off from your job and spend your days at your MIL side at the place where she resides now - and see how you feel at the end of your day - exhausted, overwhelmed, frustrated? If she's grateful and kind and caring - then she'll be thrilled to see you walk thru the door each day - if she's anything like my mom - she'll tell you to shut up and get out before the week is done.

Bless you for your kind heart - but please do not ruin your life thinking that this is only for a short time. My mom wanted to move in with us 8 years ago - I would have been dead by now if that had happened. I'm sorry to be so blunt...but I only speak the truth from my personal situation.

MIL needs to stay where she's at.

Please please do not do this. Let her stay in assisted living as everyone said you will have no life and quitting your job is not a good idea . Think long term finance for yourself
My husband has alz and only caregiver work full time and no way will I give up my job. You will be isolated with no one to talk to and have a decent conversation you will become resentful

Hello, Before doing anything I would call Genworth. I just had a family member that had them for LTC. They refused to pay a family member to care for her. Also, you can submit mileage. But it may only be for Dr appts. I would check. Good luck. But they were awesome at claims. I'd also recommend getting yourself on the HIPPA form so you can talk to them about claims. Good luck in your quest. I know how hard it is caring for a loved one and wanting the very best.

You have received great advice from people who have been there. I will add one thing: once you move your MIL out of assisted living, it will be incredibly difficult on her if you have to move her back in. Caring for her is only going to get more difficult. Another thing to consider is that changing the routine for someone in her situation can cause more problems than it solves. If she is adjusted to her current arrangement, uprooting her would almost certainly be hard on her.

Dear blong ... please come back and let us know what you decide and how youre doing.

Best wishes to you no matter what your decision is. Either will be difficult.

Don't do it!
My mother has lived with us for 10 years.
It only gets worse and more draining on the marriage. I cannot stress enough, leave her in capable hands.
I worked in a assisted living home. We were very caring towards residents.
She will be safe and you can visit as often as you like.

I thought my mom would be happier and safer with us and she was for "two seconds". The loss of independence and the disease itself, vascular dementia and a personality disorder took away all happiness eventually especially after we moved into a newly built house for the 3 of us. A move is very hard on those with memory issues as she was not diagnosed at the time but it came less than 6 mos later. Mom is in AL Memory Care and wants to move and is still unhappy even though she is as independent as one in her situation can get without her only child, me trying to keep her mind going and engaged. It was a good move as it gave my husband and I time to reconnect after a hard 3.5 years of having her in and out of our homes. She was safe which left room for us to travel, go see our kids and grands who live out of state and just be alone. He unexpectedly died of a heart arrhythmia in May and I am so glad she is where she is. I could not have taken the pressure of caring for her and my own emotional needs while I grieve his sudden absence. Caregiving is much harder than it looks on the surface. Best wishes for your decision.

I did not read all the responses, but the long term care policy my inlaws have says in large letters that family members can be trained to qualify as paid care providers by the contract. Then, in fine print, it specifies the training required (which costs hundreds of dollars) and states that the reimbursement is limited to 25 days over the life of the contract and will be reimbursed at HALF the amount an unrelated caregiver would be given. Definitely not worth it.

We moved my mother from assisted living into our home a year ago. She has moderate Alzheimer's, doesn't see well (nearly blind), and can't hear! Well, it's worked out. She doesn't want to be a burden, and she rarely, if ever, complains. She told us once that she was in heaven at our house.

Now, onto the care part. My mom requires little care which is why we were not happy paying $7000 a month for aides to administer her meds. I'm not sure how much training you need, but look up Teepa Snow. She has on-line classes. Also, the Alzheimer's association has day long conferences in various parts of the country. My sister and I went to one a couple of years ago. It was extremely helpful.

If you do this, please get someone in daily to help. This will allow you to get out and about by yourself. Even if your MIL can go out with you, you need time to get away. Make sure you have time for yourself. This is not something that should be done alone. My husband and I have someone come in 3-4 hours a day. This gives us much needed relief and we can carry on with our lives in addition to having mom live with us. In the beginning, I would take mom with me on my errands, but after she started saying, "I'll just stay in the car," I knew she wasn't enjoying it.

One time I went out to take the garbage to the end of our short driveway, and when I came in, Mom had fallen. So, she can't ever really be left alone. Her companion is much more diligent than I am accompanying her to the bathroom, etc. One does need to do housework, and you can't spend every moment with her. If you think you can, you are wrong! I thank God every day for the help we have for my mother.

Another thing - last week mom's caregiver went to her son's graduation across the country, and she was gone for a week. My mother really started to seriously sundown while she was gone. My thought was "Oh no, here we go. Need to up her meds." As soon as her companion returned, mom was herself again. Just that little change in routine was very hard on her. I had no idea how much mom depended on her.

Do not do it. My MIL has been living with 8 plus years. We thought it would be short term but she’s still with us and going strong. I have so much resentment, anger and guilt for feeling this way. I’m a prisoner in my own home and see no light at the end of the tunnel. Anti-depressants help me but they won’t fix the problem.

First I want to say you are an AMAZING person for wanting to take this on!

I think that unless you are REALLY STRONG this is not something that should be taken lightly.

  You should figure on having a ton of assistance, and not just you and your husband. 

If you are not getting the gist of this, you are being told NOT TO DO IT! For many reasons. I believe your MIL is right where she needs to be. 

My MIL isn't happy anywhere, she talks about suicide, she talks about pulling her own plug, she is very mobile (for the time being) and can feed herself (again, for the time being), she doesn't sleep and that poses many additional issues. She is very sensitive to "noise" including my 4 yo granddaughter who she has "threatened to choke" and, of course, this "threat" was unacceptable to me, again, for other reasons. 

It can be VERY expensive, checking for UTIs, Dr appointments, ambulance trips to the hospital, your health, your husband's health., etc. The list goes on and on. 

I personally would make a list of pros and cons and read read read. This forum has a lot of great insight, great people, great suggestions and a whole lot of experience!