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My mother has been living with my husband and I going on 5 years now. In that time period she has had 2 strokes, which fortunately didn’t cause any issues with her limbs but did a little cognitive damage. She has had a heart attack, pneumonia, numerous UTI’s to the point her urologist put a catheter in. Many hospital stays due to dehydration. Last year she had C. Diff twice. We’ve done skilled nursing to get her stronger, home health care, asked her to drink more water, walk around some. With all of that going on, we have included her in every family event, birthdays, holidays and vacations.


We have made reservations to go the the beach for a week, which I have not shared with her. My husband and daughter don’t want her to go, because they want a real vacation. Not one that consist of “catering” to her many needs. She can’t get in the pool, she can’t walk on solid ground much less sand. My husband doesn’t want to be in charge of the wheelchair to push her around on the beach. I have given up all of my interest because when we plan to do something she literally gets sick or falls down and we are at the ER. I try not to think it’s on purpose but it does at times feel that way. All she does all day is sit in her room watching tv, playing on her phone or sleeping. When she does come downstairs with me she wants to talk about the past with my dad (they have been divorced for over 40 years and it was an abusive relationship). When I tell her I’m not going to talk about that stuff, She tells her sister and my siblings on the phone that she has to watch what she says cause I’m just so put out with her. Tells them how tense things are. I have lost it with her when she pulls her toenails off and bleeds everywhere as she is on a blood thinner and is anemic. 😡She literally only comes downstairs twice a day if that.


I know I deserve a trip without the responsibility of all that is her. But I know I will have all the passive aggressive or guilt comments when I get back. Or my sister and her sister will have something to say yet they have been of no help in the 5 years I’ve had her. We tried to put her in AL but she just doesn’t have the money for that. Which by the was 6 months ago and I still get to hear about how that made her feel. 🤦🏻‍♀️ I don’t know what I’m asking for...guess I just needed to vent in a safe place. 😓

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Your family is screaming for help and your attention. Even though you are the primary caregiver, they are hugely affected by having to cater everything to your mother. Believe me, you can get sick and drop dead, and your mother will still be living. You need to find a way to get her into a facility, for the sake of you and your marriage. You deserve your life too. So do your family.
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lealonnie1 Jan 2020
Well said. I think the numbers are horrific; something like 35% of care givers die BEFORE the elder they're caring for!!
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I agree with your husband and daughter, you need a vacation without your mom.

You can enlist your siblings or put her in a respite facility. When she starts her garbage when you get home, yep mom and that is the very reason that I needed a break. It is all about her in her head and that you can tell her is nonsense and you and your family will be taking care of your needs or she will be finding a new address, maybe a nursing home would be the very thing.
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AT1234 Jan 2020
Or leave her there.
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Yes. It’s common for overindulged mothers to wind up in the ER when the caretaking daughter goes out of town. I personally know of two that this happened with during the holidays. I agree, hard to prove or understand how it’s on purpose but it happens.

I would set up quarterly respite on your mom’s dime.

If her other daughters want to spare her the expense and keep her, great, but plan your trips for when she is on respite. It’s not contingent on anyone being willing. It’s about your standing up for what you and your family need.

You don’t need her permission. Rethink having to be wherever she is. I assume she’s free to move if she’s unhappy about you taking some time. I’m indignant for you. Sorry. At least think about it. Enjoy your vacation.

note: I see ITRR and I had basically the same thought. Worth saying twice so I’ll leave it. You go girl.
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Your previous thread indicated that you were looking into AL places six months ago. What happened?
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bolliveb123 Jan 2020
OP says that they looked into it but mom can't afford it.
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You and your family need to go on vacation without her. Make whatever arrangements are necessary for her care and assistance. Your husband and daughter deserve to have a vacation without wheelchairs and restrictions. I did the mom on vacation with me for 10 years. My son and his wife still resent those trips. My mother was particularly difficult. It was her way all the way.
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Vent away! I won’t judge you. I was in your shoes. The only difference is triple the time. I cared for mom in my home 15 years.

I had all the concerns that you do. I hated the passive aggressive behavior when mom didn’t get her way.

Here’s the thing though, your mom is going to complain if you stay home. She is going to complain if you go off. So by all means, go off! Use respite care. Some assisted living facilities have wonderful respite care so families can go on vacation.

Who taught me that important lesson when I needed to learn? My husband. Your husband loves you and wants you to have a life too.

Mom no longer lives with me and the weight of the world is off of my shoulders.

Hugs! It’s hard.
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I hope you’ll go to the beach without your mom, enjoy the time with your husband and daughter, and have a wonderful, guilt free time. And I also hope that upon your return you’ll feel so refreshed you’ll be ready to institute some new boundaries with your mom. She’s a guest in your home, and you’re a daughter and caregiver, she should feel welcome but not able to dictate or dominate. And you should be comfortable and not tense and guilty when you know you’re doing your best. Enjoy the sand and sun!
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DILKimba Jan 2020
AMEN!!!
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Get mother into respite care for the time you and your family go on vacation. When you get back, after feeling what it's like to have some peace of mind and freedom for a while, apply for Medicaid on behalf of your mother and get her placed into a Skilled Nursing Facility asap, regardless of how it 'makes her feel.' How has SHE made YOU feel for all these years of caring for her, reminding you it's never good enough ANYWAY?

I have an extremely passive-aggressive mother myself, to the point of insanity actually. I read a terrific article on that subject last night and am sharing the link with you in hopes that you will recognize the behavior and how it's designed to drive you crazy:

https://www.liveyourtruestory.com/examples-of-passive-aggressive-behaviour-communication/

I have found the article to be VERY helpful in identifying certain behaviors my mother shows me that I DETEST, and how to react (or better yet, how NOT to react and feed the issue).

Go on vacation. Have fun. Place mother where she can have other people her own age to vent and complain to. She'll be fine AND she'll have a whole team of care givers to cater to her. It's a win-win.

Best of luck!
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Takincare Jan 2020
Ccompletely agree
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I have not yet read the other replies, but this is exactly what Respite Care is all about. Making sure your family member is getting care, while the family gets a break.

Who cares what she says after your trip? Who cares what her sister and your sister have to say? One word from them and you take Mum on a one way visit to go stay with them.
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The next time she is in rehab, have her transferred to LTC with Medicaid paying if she can't afford it.

You deserve a vacation with just your family. How can it be a vacation if you have to constantly care for someone. Tell your siblings what you are planning. Ask if someone would be willing to stay with Mom. If no one will, then start looking for respite care in an AL or LTC. Or find someone u can trust to stay with her. If she ends up in the hospital, one of your siblings can handle things.
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You really need to get away without her in tow. You and your family need this time to recharge and reconnect, focus on the family instead of mom and her wants and needs. Taking her with only creates more hardship and work eliminating any enjoyment or relaxation for everyone. You said she doesn't have the funds for AL or skilled nursing facility, begin application for Medicaid now. She may actually enjoy having others to interact with and may be able to stay at the facility as medicare pending. Your local senior services center should be able to assist you with paperwork. Make sure to make and keep at least 2 copies of everything. 1 for your files and 1 for just incase something gets lost or misplaced. It kind of sounds like your husband and daughter are also burned out, but mainly shouting out loud that they miss YOU and what they had in the past as far as a closer family dynamic. Mom knows which buttons to push, she's been doing it since the day you were born. Sister and Aunt attack because #1 they look like heros to mom and#2 it puts you on defensive mode as opposed to offensive ie, fine I'll be moving her in with you for the next 5 years, your turn, tag you're it. Do what's good for you, your family, and mom's care. Sounds like the ER visits may be manipulation, another avenue to the get her into AL, too much of a fall risk at home, especially since she needs to navigate stairs, you can no longer care for her in your home. Do not let them release her into your care, nope, I can no longer safely care for her in my home. What other options do you have? They will be able to place her then.
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What good advice, Takincare!
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What about you, OP? Do YOU want to take her on YOUR vacation? Do you think ONE WEEK out of FIVE YEARS is YOUR RIGHT??

What is “a little cognitive damage”? Has she been formally assessed in terms of her cognitive status?

How old is YOUR DAUGHTER? How does she deal with Grandma’s presence in HER home?

How much does your mother pay for the room, board and care she receives in your home. Who has determined that her resources make her ineligible for Medicaid?

OP, your obligation to your mother is that she be safe and cared for. With her NUMEROUS CONDITIONS, one of her any physicians may well decide that she’d be WELL SERVED in a skilled nursing facility. FIND OUT!

You have to be the agent for change in this morass. You are presently the virtuous dumpster. Do you want to be? If not, do the research- what are your mother’s assets? What are your mother’s ACTUAL NEEDS? OBJECTIVELY, how can her needs be met without impinging on the lives of other members of her family?

YOU have let her care impose upon you for FIVE YEARS. If YOU WANT CHANGE, FIGHT FOR IT. Stop wasting your energies in worrying about what your mother or your sister or her sister say to each other or to you UNLESS THEY ARE WILLING TO TAKE ON PART OF THIS TRAIN WRECK AND GET IT OFF YOU.

DO THE RESEARCH. ADDRESS HER REAL NEEDS. ADDRESS. YOUR REAL NEEDS, and those of your husband and daughter. Act, out of love and dignity.
You ARE WORTH IT.
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Don't worry about what others say, do what is best for your husband and daughter, need a break too.

You can apply for Medicaid for her and place her in LTC, I believe that it is time for you to get your life back, your husband and daughter deserve better.

Others have given you good advice, please consider their comments.
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TBetty Jan 2020
This is the best advice of all. You have been given a lot of excellent advice. Hugs and prayers.
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Please for your family, do this small request.
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Don't you think you will feel better after a good rest in a lovely place with your husband and daughter and SIL and no pushing a wheelchair through sand? (which, by the way, is one of the best metaphors for long-term caregiving that I have ever heard)

Go! Recharge your batteries! You have not had a break for five years!

And then when you get back you will be much better able to bandage her toes without wanting to strangle her with the bandages instead, and to shrug off uninformed comments from people who should try it before they speak.

Giant hugs to you, please please say you will go.
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Go on the trip. Enjoy yourself. Deal with the passive-aggressive behavior on return. The beauty of passive aggressive behavior is that it can be ignored
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GO.!!!
let me repeat that (wish I had larger caps)
GO!
You need a break but just as important your family needs a break!
Find Assisted Living for her that will do a week of Respite.
Arrange the date and time you will bring her. (I suggest adding 2 days to the week. Drop her off the day before you leave and pick her up the day after you return. You can pack and get out of the house without interruption. And you can get back, unpack and do a load of wash before you pick her up.

On the other hand if you really think your sister will have a lot to say about this when you get back ask her if she will come stay with mom for a week, or take mom to her place for a week (plus 2 days)

When you get back..you know you will have passive aggressive behavior so you can deal with it. You won't have to deal with what your sister says cuz either she will have told you no she won't stay with mom or no mom can't come stay with her and those were the option for not placing her in AL for respite.

You might even have the discussion with your husband and with your sister that this might be a bit much for the family and if Al works out for mom it might work into a permanent placement if that is an option.
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kdcm1011 Jan 2020
Plus 2 months ... better yet, plus 2 years ... at sister’s
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No where is it written in the "caregivers rule book" that you must take the care receiver on vacation with you. Nowhere! Let the chips fall where they may when you return home. But you need to learn to go Gray Rock on your mom when she begins pouting etc. Life is hard...period! Hard for you, hard for her, hard for your family. No one said life would always be fun...and that includes you letting mom stay home. She doesn’t always have to be included. Lordy...you’re already giving up most of your life having her live with you. Take a much needed break and then take another one when the chance comes along!! She’s had her life, now take time off before you keel over before she does.
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I was always taught the best defense is a good offense. So tell moms sister and your siblings “My family needs a break after 5 years of constant care and stress. It’s obvious that you understand how difficult it is since none of you have ever stepped in to help. Here are the choices: one of you can come here to care for her while we are gone, or we will be putting her in a respite care facility and they will have your names and numbers to call if there is a problem while we are gone. Unless the house catches fire, we do not wish to be contacted. If you choose respite care I do not want to hear one negative remark from any of you judging my choice. If you choose to come and stay with her “‘May the odds be ever in your favor.” Then allow them to choose. Don’t say a word to mom till they arrive and/or you drop her off. Let her know that aunt sally or her other daughter is in charge while you are away. Tell her you love her and hope she has a wonderful time, and that you’ll look forward to hearing about her adventures when you return and you’ll share yours with her as well. Don’t even tell her where you are going.
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ArtistDaughter Jan 2020
Perfect!
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Dear KimmieK,

PLS arrange for respite care for Mom, so you and the family can go on vacation.You need to build precious memories on your family vacations..

Caregiving wears on your mental and physical health..You have done this caregiving for an inordinately long time..I sacrificed, and learned the hard way, I needed to spend quality vacations with my husband and daughters..My Mom adjusted..And I returned with a healthier perspective/patience level for her needs..

Prayers to you, build those precious memoirs..All deserve, need a rest!🙏🏻😇❤️
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Preemptive maneuver - tell everybody except mom that you're going on a trip for you and your hubby. Let folks know that daughter came "last minute." Enjoy!

Caring shouldn't keep you from having time off - during the week and vacation trips. You should enjoy yourself. If there is fall out, suggest that the complainer take mom on for a bit of caring themselves, like a year. (Yes that was snarky of me, but suggest that the others care for your mom more regularly).
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Do not take your mother on vacation. Our parents have become like children and we can’t always give in. Your family deserves to have you for a while. We have to take care of our primary family first.
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Your mother is not going to be happy if you take her with you on a holiday.
Your mother is not going to be happy if you stay home with her while the family holidays.
Your mother is not going to be happy if she goes into Respite care.
Your mother is not going to be happy if your siblings take her in for a time.
Your mother is not going to be happy if you get a carer in for the week.
So what are you going to do about your mother not being happy? Nothing! If people are determined to be unhappy it is not your problem. You have taken on the responsibility of her care and safety NOT her attitude.
Make some arrangements for Respite in one way or another, and just go on your very brief vacation! Enjoy your freedom.
Furthermore, while you have arrangements in place, why not try to spin the week into a fortnight, even a month. After 5 years of non stop caring for an ungrateful patient you deserve it. You also need to reconnect with your husband and daugter. They have been part of this caring business too and need the break.
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rovana Jan 2020
Wonderful post.
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You need a vacation without your mother! You do not need to feel guilty. Arrange short-term respite care, preferably in a rehab/nursing facility! (Safer thermostat in-home care.) Your mother doesn't have to like it. Let post-vacation anger and accusatory comments roll off of you. She will just have to be mad. Don't waste your energy trying to justify your vacation. Trying to "fix" your mother's attitude and alleviate your own guilt will wear you out and make you crazy.
Go love he beach. You need it.
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All great answers below. I echo and agree with all. I will suggest one more point. Talk to at least one sympathetic sibling or caregiver about what her needs may be. Let them know that SOMEONE, other than you!, needs to be on-call for her if she ends up in the ED. Let people know that your PLAN is to expect the "unexpected" trip to the hospital and have someone in place who can handle things until you get home. DO NOT come home unless she is dying (and maybe not even then!) Its ok!!! you really have done the best by her and it sounds like it's your turn for some good care. Your husband/daughter are right about this. Make a plan, get away, soak up the peaceful sense of being yourself, having fun with your family!
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How can you even question taking her with you. It would be pure insanity and make your vacation hell and miserable for you. YOU CANNOT TAKE HER - DO NOT GIVE IN. Either place her in a safe facility for the time you are gone or hire reliable caretakers who will handle her 24/7. You should NOT feel guilty. She should feel guilty for being so selfish and not caring about anything except herself. Go and have a wonderful time WITHOUT HER.
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It sounds rough, however you do need to be refreshed at least a little. I can understand, if you ask for help from other family members in my experience it only made things complicated. However, in order for you and your family to keep going it is imperative for you to take (notice I said take) sometime off. Even if the family members do a poor job taking care of her while you're gone, hopefully she will live through it. Your family and you deserve breaks and there needs to be a plan for her care when you do. For years we didn't take time off for more than 2 nights, which helped. However you need time to rest up, and mentally care for yourselves. You are probably the only one involved involved at times, even immediate family backs off at times. In order for you to keep going please take the time off to rest and be with just your family. The stress builds and then its harder to deal with the individual and your own needs. Take time off at least quarterly more if you can arrange it. I did both my dad and my mom which totaled 15 years with only my husband's help. The other family members more than likely just don't think about you because you have it handled. This is hard for us to understand. Not all family members won't help, some are fair but most are not in my experience.
Keep trying to communicate with your mom as best you can despite the cognitive difficulties, it helps you. Doing right by her and your conscience does have rewards. Find a way to get help so your own quality of life doesn't suffer so much. I really do understand.
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KimmieK Jan 2020
I am an only child with siblings. My brother is presently moving to Russia. I have one step brother that helps when he and his wife can. Although now his wife is sick. Moms sister is in Michigan, she’s already told me she’s no care giver. I reached out to a private pay company to interview people to come stay with her. Thank you for your encouraging words.
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Your roles have reversed. It might not have felt like it, but parents took advantage of time away from you. The over night at the best friend’s house, the visit to the grandparents because they wanted to see you and even the just go outside and play when you were mopey or bored. Some of those things probably involved some kind of white lie to you. We all need our own time. Your mother is frustrated and scared because of her health issues and taking it out on you. The more you respond and show her your guilt over not pleasing her the more she will push your buttons. This is a larger issue than one vacation. Find some support a caregiver support group or a therapist. I sound like you are at the point you know she is making it a past time to manipulate you and your husband in your own home. Have strength in yourself. You are worthy
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OMG. The toenail thing is way over the top...If anyone needs a vacation it is YOU. You need to put one of those shirts on that says "yes, it is about ME!" and get out of there! All of you need a vacation from this person who sounds like she has some obvious health issues, but she is also sounding like a drama queen. And a manipulator. The hard part for you, being the responsible one is dealing with the aftermath of whatever action you take. If you are going to be stressed and miserable anticipating the grief you'll encounter on return, then it is NOT going to be a vacation for you. And taking her along...gosh, I get where your husband and others are coming from. They need one too. I don't know if there is a way up and out of the hole without some professional help. If mama is cognitively capable then she needs to be talked to and it becomes clear about the options: either she shuts up about the past and talking about you and stops her unhealthy behaviors like ripping off her toenails while on blood thinners, or she will be out. To your darling sister, or to some sort of affordable or subsidized assisted living. If you think you can get it together within yourself...because this is key...your own sense of peace and letting go...then you should get away. Find a respite situation and tell her she's going there and that's it, for the week or whatever. Heck, I'd aim for two weeks! Then you can stay longer where you're going or come home for a week of peace without her being there. Tell NO ONE! Take a nap and regroup! In fact, you could run away even for a day/night to a local hotel...get room service! When is the last time anyone did something for YOU???
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