I know it's a 'what if' situation, but I lay awake nights worried about what will happen to my husband if my cancer comes back, and I end up passing away before he does. I take care of him in our home, and hope to do so until..... Our son says he will not have Dad come live with him. Our daughter has a full house of kids, and has no room. We really don't have the money for him to go to a 'facility'. Any advice on how to sleep at night would be appreciated.
You need to talk to your kids about this. They will probably both balk at the idea of having dad live with them (mine all did when I was doing cancer txes) and so I talked to DH about what he should do if I died first. It's completely possible, so he did need to at least think about it.
Do you own ur home outright? If so, it will need to be sold for his care if u go first. I think consulting with an elder lawyer would be good.
1. do a preneed funeral & burial / cremation plan and one that realistically you can buy in full for both of you
2. change any & all accounts (banking, life insurance, any investments) that currently have you & hubs as each other’s “beneficiary of” to instead go to whomever is your & hubs POA. Most married couples automatically have each other as their beneficiary and that make sense when we’re kinda still young and our kids are minors, but not necessarily good as we age. Like say you have a term life that pays 10k to hubs as he’s your beneficiary as policy was done back in 1990….. well he probably couldn’t even be able to do any filing to even get the paperwork started, I’ll bet. So doing a “beneficiary of” change makes sense.
Also By doing “beneficiary of” it allows that asset to pass / pay to the beneficiary without involving probate. Having stuff be beneficiary of removes it as a probatable asset.
The issue then becomes which kid is to be the POA? Unless you have an attorney or a close friend to be your & hubs POA, it’s gonna be one of the kids. Unless you know for sure that neither will step up to be POA. Also give that some thought if 1 will be all bent if you pick the other. The whole Smothers Brothers “mom loved you best” is unfortunately true in many families. I’m a only child and even then had could not help themselves wanted to interfere 2 older cousins that I had to tell & in writing to STFU. You know your kids best…..
As far as what happens if you predeceases hubs, it could be any of us. We all could get hit by a bus, then what? Actually imo your knowing the kids situation AND that he needs caregiving with some degree 24/7 oversight allows you to be way more realistic as to what his future needs to look like. He’s gonna need to go into a facility, and unless you have a ton of assets, like 500k-1M, excluding your home, there’s going to be LTC Medicaid in the future for him as there’s always the risk that you too will need in a facility care. So unless y’all are big $ assets that means Medicaid planning and it’s not ever, like never ever, imo a DIY. You would be a community spouse for how LTC Medicaid runs and you do not need to impoverish yourself for hubs to be Medicaid eligible for him to be in a facility. Only hubs needs to meet Medicaid LTC “at need”requirements. But just how to do this and do it so that it’s all legit for Medicaid in your state needs insight from an CELA level of elder care lawyer. There likely is a pretty smallish narrow list of CELA ones; 1 will be a good fit for you. If the kids truly won’t step up to be POA, the atty will have a suggestion as to how to deal with this. Good luck in your quest.
Or contact her county senior services dept.
I would hope that the son or daughter would come through to assist in making plans so the mother can relax (more) and not worry at night. I feel for her immensely.
Also, help your daughter get more room. She is best suited due to already dealing with kids --who can help. In fact, maybe you should start transitioning to this to help prevent your cancer from coming back from the stress!
If you are so sick you would likely pass first, it would be best to place your husband into an assisted living facility that can "phase him" to memory care as his dementia progresses. Even if you are not likely to pass first, you might consider this possibility when his care becomes too much for you to handle alone. Please look up Medicaid and print out the paperwork, instructions, and qualifications for filing. Fill out as much as possible and keep list of your financial institutions and with account numbers with the paperwork. Then, let your children know you have filled out the paperwork as much as possible so that they only need to fill in details when/if it becomes necessary to file of Medicaid. Make it easy for your children to find all your financial records, health information, legal files... as possible. In case they need to take over for you if you are hospitalized for your cancer or other serious health issue.
There are MANY types of Medicaid programs (also referred to as "plan" choices- IE where I live one of the most chosen is a plan under Blue Cross Blue Shield aka BCBS) that pay for services in assisted living. There are commonly used waivers by Medicaid, used by all states allowing care (HCBS aka Home and Community Based Services, 1115 Demonstration Waivers and 1915b Managed Care Waivers). Then there is your basic, "plain ol' Medicaid" (which is often referred to as State Plan Medicaid) that's also used in some states for assisted living services. There are definitely options to be explored with Medicaid, of course depending on your state and what it offers at the current time you seek those services.
Hope that helps!
Please follow igloo's sound advice and get the ball rolling now to see what guidance you can get from an Elder Care attorney about Medicaid, etc.
Wishing you the best of luck and good health for you moving forward.
Seriously, I know how you are thinking and feeling. A few years ago , I went through a year of breast cancer treatment. At that time, my husband of 50+ years was fading into dementia, and I definitely worried a lot that I might die first. My fear was that he’d have to be placed into a memory care or nursing home facility, Because of his life history and personality, I feared he would experience a horrible end of life.
As things developed, I survived cancer (it’s been 9 years), I was able to keep him at home until he passed away one year ago (married 58 years), and I think our only child would have been there for him had I gone first.
One thing you can do now, is find out what services and resources are available for the outcome you fear. See what can be put into place now. Has your oncologist given you any idea what your prognosis is? Most breast cancers are more treatable than in the past. You are probably not anywhere near back to your “normal” self yet, so this planning is still important. I was able to get four hours of daily help, which made the difference in caring for my husband at home.
I wish you the best. You can do more than you think you can. Whether you should is up to your circumstances.
You need an advocate, because you're worried, you're recovering, and this is a lot to deal with. Some things to try in your area could be a geriatrician, an elder care attorney, a social worker.
Make a plan and a back up plan, put it in writing, have it notarized and file it with whoever and whatever and wherever it needs to go.
The best way to deal with worry and rumination is to get busy and make a concrete plan. Once that's in place, you can enjoy your time together rather than worrying.
Thanks again for your recommendations.